"What? What have you found?" said the boss, looking at the stone.
"Just as I suspected. This is a very rare stone indeed. Boss man, do you know how much this is worth?"
"What are you implying?"
"This is a genuine portion of...hammerite. It is one of the most precious stones on this planet. Notice its shiny surface."
"Sir, it looks like the material I am made from. Reinforced steel and titanium."
"No, it's hammerite."
"If that is hammerite then what am I?"
"Gobshite. You see, boss man? This stone can be broken down and used as a paint for metal railings. It is expensive and well sought after. We can put this to a test to see if it is the real thing. Scientists say that if you place the rock on the floor, the carbon in its structure will be strong enough to support your weight, and it will hurt. Go ahead and sit on it."
The site boss sat on the stone and grunted.
"My goodness, Wingclipper. It hurts. It really, really hurts. I can feel it in my buns. Can we be absolutely sure?"
Wingclipper passed the stone to 234.
"234, listen. File, run program, rehearsed message from yesterday. Repeat twice."
"This is genuine hammerite. I cannot argue with this fact. This is genuine hammerite. I cannot argue with this fact. Hold on. Sir, my hard drive is saying an illegal program was just activated."
"As you can see, my assistant has thoroughly assessed the specimen using lasertronic envisioning. It has been confirmed as authentic."
"What does that mean?"
"It means it is that which what it looks like I said what it is."
"Is this entire cave filled with hammerite?"
"Yep."
"So I have to change the direction of the pipeline?"
"Or cancel the project entirely."
"Then I must drill deeper and go around it!" his voice echoed throughout the cavern, releasing a few fragile loose rocks. He slapped Wingclipper on the back with a big hearted friendly thunder clap. Wingclipper trod on 234's foot in agitation, right at the same time as men at the cave entrance started screaming.
* * * * *
The racing river sported a grizzly bear clinging to a branch, pulling itself on to the bridge's far side having fallen in. The workmen saw that the bear tried to hop across the gap but struggled under its own weight. It slipped over the edge and fell in face first like a drugged up lemming, crawling along the bridge towards dry land where it was rescued by a reindeer and a buzzing ball droid.
"So you changed your mind?" said Elwood.
"I knew you would fall in."
"How did you not get wet?"
"I'm a reindeer. I can fly, remember? Ok, there was another bridge but you missed it."
They saw the cave entrance by the reservoir and a crowd gathering to witness their arrival. The workmen looked on in a state of trepidation.
"Ride me."
"Excuse me, Ro?"
"Get on my back."
The workmen watched the bear climb on to the reindeer and vanish into a thicket. The two moved awkwardly through rows of trees lining the banks as shots were fired. Suddenly the trees ended and they came to a steep muddy slope before the cavern. Rodeena's heart sank. Wingclipper was nowhere to be seen. Not even that stupid robot had showed up. Elwood watched her face change.
"I don't like it when you pull that poop face. What's wrong?"
"I can't morph back."
"What do you mean? That's your primary skill. You can't mind read or clairvoyeur your way out of this. Think of something quick."
A group of workmen ran to the top of the bank followed by the rest of the workforce. As the numbers grew, Elwood and Rodeena recognised three campfire poachers in the crowd.
"Sonovabich! Sonovabich!" they called out.
Rodeena looked at Elwood.
"I told you they spoke Russian," he said.
More Russian-esque dialects broke out and joined in the ruckus, and at the last moment a person mounted higher ground and raised their voice to a superior volume.
"Behold, workers. You are witnessing the arrival of the great bear and the reindeer."
"There he is! What is he doing?" said Elwood, watching Wingclipper grace the limelight.
"Whatever he's doing, it had better work," said Rodeena.
Wingclipper stepped off the mound of rubble and proceeded to push his way through to the summit of the bank. With the swagger of a galactic hero and the confidence of a dignified lion, he stood, feet wide, hands on hips, gyrating subtly.
"Workers of the pipe. What you see is the coming of the venerated Eastern bear and its female counterpart, the horny goddess. The emblem of your country is joining forces with the reindeer, to convince you to end this project and forfeit the site deposit into the accounts of your protectors, the beloved galactic military. Behold, I have in my pocket a magical artefact. This precious hammerite stone is one of millions in that cave that you are about to obliterate with your construction. The bear and the deer goddess have returned to reclaim their rightful cave. Watch for yourselves and see the miracle."
As Wingclipper slid down the slope, Bink veered towards the reservoir and disappeared under the surface.
"Speak, oh great bear. Speak to your people."
Wingclipper held his hands towards Elwood's bear head, wiggling his fingers as if settling magic dust.
"Don't drag me into your crazy plan, you son of a bitch," said Elwood.
"Sonovabich! Sonovabich!" replied the campfire poachers. The rest of the workers chanted the words in unison. Wingclipper held out the rock for Rodeena to take. She raised a leg to grasp the stone and the crowd mumbled in tenseness.
"See the goddess take the hammerite stone. See how she beholds its greatness. Even unto her it is a precious thing, a marvel of natural rock that -"
Rodeena pelted the stone at Wingclipper and it knocked his hat off.
"You're a pain in the ass for putting us through this mess. Why couldn't we have just frightened them with an explosion and left? But oh no, we had to put on a grand show. A show designed for your praise and reverence."
In the midst of Rodeena's irritation, she slowly felt an uncontrollable wave wash over her body. In seconds her mutant scaly skin and hair returned, along with the bluish green natural shade to her body, her tail and her gemstone between the eyes. It glowed with a crystal ray. The workers gasped.
"As you can see, workers. The goddess can take many forms. She has decided to change her shape into that of a reptilian female beast. Watch as, without expending any effort, she causes a spaceship to magically come into existence."
Rodeena scowled at Wingclipper, who returned a cheesy grin, a wink and pistol fingers.
Then, a huge rushing sound of water disturbed the crowd and they looked over to the reservoir. A gargantuan object, a cross between a lipstick case and a tampon, rose from the surface and spilled tons of water. It veered towards the shore and the crew ran during the diversion. 234 stomped his way through the workers and marched over to the others at the shore. The ramp lowered and they saw Bink hovering at the top beckoning them on board. Rodeena, Elwood and 234 walked up the ramp into the ship while Wingclipper faced the awe inspired, anticipating work force. The site boss went to the shore and over to Wingclipper.
"You spoke to our animal gods. You even built a ship big enough to rescue them. We will stop building the pipeline. Instead, this site will become a shrine to the miracle we have witnessed. You shall be remembered as...Noah Doolittle. Farewell, Doolittle. We shall sell this surplus of precious rock to rebuild our economy and live in permanent luxury and prosperity."
They shook hands and Wingclipper boarded the ramp. With a hiss and a jolt, the ramp closed. The Chromium Bullet levitated to a safe height before igniting its rocket boosters, accelerating exponentially until becoming nothing more than a faint dot passing the sun. The reservoir waters were blown onto the site, flooding the machinery and electrical equipment and rendering the place useless. T
he site boss smiled at the prospect of beginning a new chapter in his life. He looked at the sea of men gathered along the shore.
"Redundancies all round," he said.
The men cheered and threw their hats.
* * * * *
Within weeks, the locals got word of the story and preserved the cave and its partially constructed pipeline as a site of significant religious and cultural interest, or a tourist shrine. A monument of a bear, a reindeer and a bisexual fossil hunter / action hero stood at the foot of the muddy slope. A plaque read, "Sonovabich."
In celebration of their cancelled project, the bear people of the snowy land decided to turn their interests to greater riches by never building a pipeline ever again. Instead they allied with the Western nations, invaded the desert people and stole all of their oil.
* * * * *
Wingclipper downed another beer and threw the bottle into the depressurised trash. He put the ship on autopilot, made sure 234 was recharging and temporarily offline, and sneaked to Rodeena's door. He eyed her through the gap, removing her clothes and putting on a fresh pair in front of the mirror. Wingclipper began to regret drinking the really strong beer too quickly. Inside, Rodeena held a top against her chest, swaying her hips to and fro. She heard an object collapse against her door, wretch and sigh. Vomit began to pour through her keyhole and through the crack in the door. As the vomit trickled into her room, Wingclipper gurgled and fell asleep against the doorframe. Rodeena wrenched the handle but she couldn't get out.
* * * * *
Written by Richard C. Parr
* * * * *
About the Author
Richard C. Parr was born in 1986 in England and lives in Nottingham. He has travelled to 20 countries and runs a blog at HumanEmbodiment.com.
Contact Me
Email:
[email protected] Twitter: @HumanEmbodiment
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