To stay in recovery.
I was scared shitless the last day of my program, even though I wanted nothing more than to go home to Briggs. To sleep in our bed together. To hold her anytime I wanted or needed. My counselor said that was normal for everyone to feel scared to enter the real world again. That it would have been weird if I didn’t feel that way. It was easier to stay clean in a controlled environment.
Briggs found us a four-bedroom, three-bath house with a pool and a huge backyard. She had it fully decorated by the time I came home. The house was beautiful but not nearly as beautiful as the smile on her face when she jumped into my arms the day I was discharged with a treatment plan that I kept everyday for the last four years.
We christened every corner of our new home, making up for lost time.
Twice.
We had more money than we knew what to do with, but I was getting restless needing to do something. I started sketching again, after years of being so fucking high, and numb. It not only affected my body but also my creativity. One day out of nowhere, I was drawing a sleeping Daisy on the couch beside me and for some reason her tattoos were my main focus in the sketch.
When she woke up I asked her what she thought about me getting my license to become a tattoo artist. She smiled, replying by kissing all over my face and sucking my cock like a goddamn pro in approval.
We opened a shop not long after. I tattooed and she handled all the managerial, customer service bullshit that I didn’t give a fuck about.
Her uncle had come to visit us a few times, checking in and keeping tabs on us I imagined. They still had a weird dynamic, but at least he was trying to be around in the only way he knew how. During his visits, we never talked about the past, but it was always lurking just around the corner. I would be lying if I said that seeing him didn’t trigger the demons that I had managed to keep at bay. I think a part of him knew that too.
“What's your favorite thing to do, Austin?” Briggs whispered, looking deep into my eyes as she wrapped her arms around my neck.
Bringing me closer to her.
I immediately caged her in with my arms around her pretty little face. Slightly pulling back her hair at the nook of her neck just like she loved. I leaned in close to her mouth, biting her bottom lip and huskily rasped, “Fucking you, baby. That's my favorite thing to do.”
We were happy again.
And more in love than ever.
“Prove it,” she challenged.
I didn’t have to be told twice. It was after hours, and we owned the fucking place. She was counting inventory and decided to sass me with her smart-ass mouth.
Her body was perfectly proportionate with mine as I stood in between her legs. She looked up at me with adoration and yearning. The heady expression that I could never get enough of had me losing control. I roughly grabbed the back of her neck and plunged my tongue into her eager and awaiting mouth. It went back and forth between us, each giving the other what we craved. She clutched on to my hair and I pulled on hers, beckoning her head to fall back and give me the liberty to assault her neck.
I ran my nose from her chin to her collarbone, kissing all over her breasts.
“Who’s my girl?” I baited, knowing she loved it when I asked.
Her nipples were already hard when I pulled down the front of her dress, waiting for me to take them into my mouth. I sucked and gently bit one while my hand caressed and fondled the other. Her breathing escalated and both of her soft, delicate hands gripped my hair as her hips gyrated forward on the edge of the counter, on the brink of falling.
I heard the rustling of my jeans as she unbuckled my belt, pulling out my hard cock. My hands went around to her ass, as I effortlessly picked her up off the counter. Sliding her panties to the side and slamming her right down onto my cock before she even saw it coming.
In one thrust, I was balls deep inside her.
Home.
We moaned in unison, both appreciating what the other was giving. She fit like a fucking glove, tightly wrapped around my cock. My arms leveled her up and down, thrusting her onto my shaft.
“Fuck… you feel good.”
Her g-spot was hitting the tip of my cock ring so perfectly and precise.
“Let go a little, look at me, I got you, you’re not going anywhere.”
She loosened her hold and hitched in a breath when she looked into my eyes. I braced my forehead on hers and we never once took our eyes off each other. I knew it took all her willpower to not let her eyes roll to the back of her head.
Within seconds, we were both gasping and breathless for air. Her moans were getting louder and heavier. I could feel her come dripping down my ass. I fucked her harder and with more determination. Wanting to feel her sweet pussy come on my cock. Within minutes, neither one of us could take it anymore.
We both came together.
Hard.
I kissed her one last time before placing her back down on her feet. Holding her upright till she balanced on trembling legs.
“I want you to give me a tattoo,” she said out of nowhere, looking sincerely into my eyes.
“Right now?” I replied, tucking my cock back into my jeans.
“It won’t take long.”
I walked toward my chair, patting for her to sit.
“Where and what would you like, pretty lady?”
She grinned, grabbing a piece of paper from her purse, sitting in the chair, lifting up her dress to point on her lower abdomen.
“I want these dates in numerical numbers.”
She handed me the piece of paper with a serious face.
“You want this date from a week ago and this one from almost a year from now?” I asked, confused. “Why?”
“It’s the day I found out I’m pregnant and the day the baby is born.”
I jerked back. “What did you say?”
“Your baby is in my belly.” She smiled.
“How?”
She cocked her head to the side with a snide smirk. “Well… when a man and woman really love each other they—”
I laughed, “You’re on the pill.”
She shrugged. “Sometimes it doesn’t work. This is one of those times.”
“You’re sure? Like positive? One hundred percent?”
“I went to the doctor and she confirmed it. I’ve just been trying to find the right time to tell you.”
“We’re going to have a baby?” I questioned again, needing more confirmation.
She enthusiastically nodded with tears in her eyes.
“I can’t tattoo you, Briggs. You’re pregnant… But you’re going to have my baby?”
She beamed, and I pulled her into my arms.
Finally holding everything we ever wanted.
<>Briggs<>
“I love this room,” I said, lying down in the guest bedroom with Austin’s head on my stomach, looking around the space. “I actually thought this would be our first baby’s room when I bought this house,” I added, scratching his back.
“First?” he replied, peering up at me.
“I want four or five kids, Austin. So we will probably have to be buy a new house, but we’re good here for at least another two.”
“Is that right? Do you hear your mama? Already talking about giving you siblings. What do you think about that?” he asked my stomach, kissing it.
He started having conversations with the baby growing inside me since the day he found out I was pregnant, two months ago. Everyday he talked to my belly, it didn’t matter what it was about. He said the baby needed to learn his voice so it would know who its daddy was. Every night he sat with his head on my stomach, just to feel close to our child. It was the sweetest thing I had ever witnessed.
My heart was so full on most days. I could hardly take it.
When Austin first got out of rehab, I was scared that he was going to relapse again, but to my surprise every month it got a little easier. He never missed his weekly meetings, and he talked to his sponsor often. He
told me his triggers were always there, but as the years went by it was easier to ignore them and take them for what they were.
The past.
His future was with me.
End. Of. Story.
We hadn’t told anyone I was pregnant yet. I think we both wanted to enjoy it being just ours for as long as we could, knowing that his family and friends would soon want to be involved in everything they could. They had become like my own, taking me in and treating me like one of the family.
“That reminds me.” He got up. “I’ll be right back.”
I rubbed my belly while he was gone, loving the feel of something growing inside me.
Our love.
“I got you something,” Austin said, lying in the same position he was in before he left.
He handed me a box with baby animals and balloons decorated on it. I opened the lid and there was a soft pink baby blanket, a few pink, purple, and white baby onesies, all with sayings on them. I held up the pink one, it said, “Daddy’s baby girl.” The purple one said, “My other girl.” The white one made me laugh, it said, “Party at my crib 2 a.m. B.Y.O.B.” There were a few bibs with similar sayings on them. But it was the photo album that brought me to tears. It said, “You’re all we ever wanted.”
“Austin,” I wept, unable to form words with all the emotions coursing through me.
“I drove by a baby store the other day, and I couldn’t help myself. Don’t cry, babe.” He wiped away my tears. “I know she’s a girl. I feel it.”
I sniffled. “This is the worst thing you could do to a pregnant woman. I’m going to be crying for days.”
“Then I’ll be wiping away your tears for days.”
“I never thought...” I expressed, getting choked up. “I mean I hoped, I prayed… I just never thought you would make it back to me.” I started crying harder, imagining life without him.
My biggest fear.
Losing him again.
“I’ll never leave you again, baby. I’m not going anywhere. I owe my life to you. In every sense of the meaning. I love you.”
He kissed me, grabbing the onesie that said, “My other girl.” Placing it on my belly.
We sat there for the rest of the day, planning the rest of our lives. That finally included.
A family.
Chapter 33
<>Briggs<>
A piercing pain in my stomach woke me out of a dead sleep. I immediately placed my hand on where the pain was radiating from.
“Austin,” I whimpered, recoiling into a fetal position.
He stirred, his arm that was draped over me slightly moving.
“Hmm…” he groaned still sleeping.
“Austin, I can’t… oh my God… Austin,” I stammered, the pain unbearable.
“Baby?” He sat up instantly, blinking away the sleep. “You okay? What’s wron—”
“Ah!” I moaned out in excruciating pain, tightening the hold on my stomach.
He pulled the sheet off us.
“Fuck! Baby, don’t move. You’re bleeding. Fuck! There’s blood everywhere.”
I heard him fumbling in the linen closet for towels as I lay there in a pool of my own blood and worst nightmare.
“No!” I cried, already knowing what was happening. “No! Please, no!”
“Shh… it’s okay.” He took a towel and wiped the blood off between my legs. “Baby, we need to get you to the hospital right now. You have lost a lot of blood. Hang on, okay. I love you.”
He picked me up off the bed in a cradle position, and I instantly curled into his chest.
“It’s okay, baby. You’re fine,” he reassured, kissing my head as he carried me to the car.
He sat me in the passenger seat and leaned it back for me to lie down. He didn’t let go of my hand the entire time he drove. I not only cried out from the pain but for the news we were about to receive. It didn’t matter what comforting words Austin kept saying to me.
It wouldn’t change the truth.
They immediately wheeled me back into the ER where the doctor did an examination and an ultrasound to confirm what was going on. One minute we had all the happiness in the world, and the next it was ripped away from us without so much as a goodbye.
I wanted nothing more than to block out the next few hours of our lives.
“Is it something that I did?” I asked the doctor, only looking at Austin who appeared as broken as I felt.
There was a familiar gaze in his eyes, one that I hadn’t seen in years.
Lost.
Devastated that our baby was no longer with us.
“No. Sometimes these things just happen. But the good news in this situation is that you got pregnant without a problem and you’re still young. In a few months, you can definitely try again. I’m going to keep you here for a couple hours just to monitor the bleeding and if all goes well, you will be able to go home soon.”
The good news… I wanted to tell him that there was no good news at this moment.
Only tragedy.
He left the room, leaving Austin and I to grieve over what we just lost. What we both wanted so badly.
Our baby.
I was discharged mid-morning, scheduling an appointment with my OBGYN for the next day.
“Are you okay, Austin?” I whispered loud enough for him to hear.
The silence was deafening in the car on the way home. Both of us consumed with the dark state of thoughts. He barely said more than a few words the entire time at the hospital.
He nodded, reaching for my hand. “Are you okay?” His intense stare remained on the road ahead as if it pained him to look at me.
I didn’t know what was the right or wrong answer so I went for the safe one.
“They said we could try again in a few months. I don’t have to go back on the pill. We could try—”
He squeezed my hand stopping me from continuing.
“Yeah…” I breathed out, leaning my pounding head back on the headrest to aimlessly look out the window.
Watching the streetlights and trees blur by.
Home was the last place I wanted to be, but we ended up going there anyway. Austin made me some tea and grabbed a beer from the fridge. Sitting beside me on the couch, he pulled me into his arms. I leaned into his embrace, fighting back my tears and the emotions threatening to surface. All his warmth was replaced by an unfamiliar frigidness.
I didn’t want to cry. I knew he was hurting, and the last thing I wanted to do was light the match to the fire that I could already smell burning. I laid my head on his shoulder, his tense arm tightly wrapped around me.
He kissed the top of my head. “I’m sorry, Daisy,” he murmured, letting his lips linger there.
I didn’t know what he was apologizing for, and I was too scared to ask.
“It’s not your fault. It’s no one’s fault.”
My resolve was starting to break the tighter he held me against his cold body. It felt like all his warmth left with our baby. As if he was waiting for me to breakdown, waiting for me to lash out, waiting for something that maybe didn’t have anything to do with me. I was so worried about him that I couldn’t even contemplate what just happened. I couldn’t mourn the loss of our baby because I was terrified that I would soon mourn the loss of the man sitting beside me.
The one that took years to make it back to me.
Loving an addict was like being on a roller coaster with no seat belt on. You had no idea when it was going to turn. You’re just confused, disoriented, fearful, praying...
All you could do was hang on for dear life and hope that it didn’t kill you.
“Do you think—” He stopped himself, leaning over me to grab his beer from the table.
“What?” I peered up at him. “What were you going to say?”
He wouldn’t look at me. Not for one second. He shook his head, taking a swig of his beer. Polishing it off with one gulp.
He didn’t need to say it. I knew what he was thinking.
; “It’s no one’s fault, Austin. You heard the doctor. He said these things just happen, usually for no reason at all. Please don’t blame yourself.”
“It’s not me I’m blaming.”
I tried to jerk free, but he held me tighter into his chest.
“Baby, I didn’t mean it to come out like that. I just… I love you… we can do whatever you want. You want to try for another baby, I’ll give you whatever you want,” he said with a tone void of any emotion, still blankly staring at the wall in front of us.
It hurt immensely that he couldn’t even look at me. He wasn’t able to look me in the eyes and tell me what he really meant by that.
“Austin—”
“Briggs, stop. I’ll hold you for as long as you need. I’m not going anywhere. I can promise you that. I just can’t talk right now, okay? I just want to sit here with you in my arms. I just want to feel you. That’s all.”
Tears threatened to surface as I bowed my head in defeat. He lightly skimmed his fingers through my hair. I closed my eyes holding onto the love we shared, the last four years, the first four of our relationship, the memories, anything I could cling onto for hope.
Exhaustion won the battle I was fighting. I fell asleep silently crying in Austin’s arms on the couch. I woke up from a dream, except before I even opened my eyes I realized I was alone. My memory blanket securely placed on top of me. The darkness from the outside world was shadowing in through the sliding glass doors.
Revealing the truths I already knew.
I whipped the blanket off of me, needing to find him. My feet moved on their own accord to the room that was going to be our baby’s. I just had a feeling that I would find him there.
As soon as I walked in I saw him, his demons prevailed. My fears went unheard. He didn’t even try to hide it. I don’t know if that was better or worse. He peered up at me with his vacant constricted pupils.
His blue eyes so illuminated.
So hollow.
So. Fucking. High.