The trip to Oregon took forever. Will was pretty easy, but he still wanted to eat every two hours, and we must have stopped at every rest stop on I-5 between Sacramento and Salem. I’d never felt so relieved to get out of a car in my life.
We stayed at a hotel in Salem the night before the visit, but it didn’t matter how exhausted I was, I still didn’t sleep. I lay next to Gram, Will sleeping peacefully between us, filled with apprehension. I hadn’t seen Asa in seven months, the longest we’d ever been apart since we’d met.
My body was different, my face rounder, and I wondered what he’d think. I was afraid things would be awkward, that we’d have nothing to say to each other, that our connection would be forced or completely absent.
I also worried about the fact that I couldn’t wear an underwire bra, which meant my boobs wouldn’t be at their best. It was a stupid thing to worry about, I knew it was, but I wanted to look good. I wanted him to still want me even though my eyes had dark circles under them and my boobs were different.
I finally crawled out of bed when I saw weak sunlight peeking through the curtains, and after placing a rolled up blanket next to Will, took a shower. I took my time, shaving my legs and conditioning my hair twice. I went all out, putting on makeup for the first time in months and stuffing myself into pre-pregnancy jeans with a flowing top to hide where my chubby waist bubbled at the top. I had a freaking muffin top. It made me want to cry.
When I was finished getting ready, I came out of the bathroom to find Gram walking Will back and forth across the room.
“He’s hungry, but I wanted to give you some extra time,” she told me with a knowing smile. “He’s not gonna wait much longer, though.”
I took Will and settled in to nurse him on the bed, grimacing as my jeans dug into my waist.
“You can’t wear those jeans,” Gram commented as she rummaged through her bag for some clothes. “Inmates wear denim. You’ll have to put on other pants.”
“What?” I gasped. “How do you know that?”
“I called the prison. Didn’t you look at the website?”
I had, but the only thing I remembered was the stupid rule about underwire bras. I was screwed. The only pants I’d brought were jeans for the visit and ratty leggings so I’d be comfortable on the drive. I felt myself starting to panic, opening and closing my mouth, and trying not to scream in frustration.
“I don’t have any other pants!” I wailed, startling Will into screaming, and causing complete anarchy in our room.
“Calm down, Callie,” Gram ordered sharply. “You have other pants. I doubt you were planning on driving home in your underwear.”
“Yeah, but those are gross! They’re all stretched out and they don’t go with my shirt!”
“Don’t yell at me because you didn’t read the rules,” she snapped, and I instantly felt like shit.
“I’m sorry. I’m a little nervous,” I told, her my eyes watery and a half-smile on my face. “I just wanted it to be perfect.”
“Not sure how perfect you’re gonna get in the visiting room of the state pen,” she mumbled, walking into the bathroom. I guess she wasn’t ready to forgive my freak out yet.
When Will was finished eating, I changed into my unappealing leggings and started getting him ready for the day. I didn’t want to give him a bath in the nasty hotel bathroom, so instead I just used a tiny bit of baby soap to Mohawk the small patch of hair on the top of his head. I wanted Asa to be able to smell it, that fresh baby smell.
I had less than thirty minutes before we had to leave for the prison, so I got him dressed, too. I put him in a black long-sleeved Harley Davidson one-piece outfit that Slider’s wife Vera had sent when he was born. I thought it was a nice thing for her to do, especially since I’d never met her, but I figured it was more for Asa than me. It was the perfect outfit for him to meet his daddy.
When we pulled up and parked, I was a little startled when Gram didn’t climb out of the driver’s seat.
“Aren’t you coming?”
“No. I’m just gonna sit out here and read,” she told me, pulling a worn paperback with a half-naked couple on the front out of her purse.
“But I thought you were coming with me!”
“They have a point system. I go in there, that means he uses up points for the month. Don’t want him to run out,” she answered over the top of her glasses. “This time should just be for the three of you, Callie Rose.”
“Okay.” The word came out in a long exhale, and I shook my head as I pulled Will and a small blanket out of his car seat. I prayed that he wouldn’t need to eat while we were there, because he wasn’t taking a bottle yet and I was pretty sure they wouldn’t let me breastfeed in the middle of the visiting room.
My anxiety built as I went through the necessary procedures, and the guards made me really nervous as they went through all of my stuff. I was terrified that I hadn’t followed some rule and they were going to turn me away. By the time I was through the security, I felt my heart beating at the base of my throat and I had trouble catching my breath.
I didn’t anticipate that when I saw him, all of the nervousness and worry I was feeling would just… melt away.
Chapter 67
Grease
My leg was bouncing nervously under the table. I was afraid she wasn’t going to show for some reason, and I’d built it up in my mind so much that I’d fucking lose it if I didn’t see her. I was anxious to see my son, too, but he was still more of an idea in my head. I hadn’t had a chance to miss him yet.
When she walked through the doors, I stood up automatically and almost tripped over the bench I was sitting on. Really fucking smooth, Grease. She was wearing a loose purple top that covered fucking everything from her neck to her hips, but goddamn if I couldn’t imagine everything underneath, even with our son resting against her chest.
My eyes moved from her chest down, and noticed her leggings; they had a hole in the knee and some sort of bleach stain on them. It made my gut clench for some reason, seeing those pants. When I finally made my eyes meet hers, I swear to God it was like the entire room went quiet.
She had a little smile on her mouth, like she wasn’t sure if she should be smiling or not, and it made me fucking grin. She was so fucking beautiful. Her face was a bit rounder, and so were her hips, but to me—she’d never been sexier.
My grin got her moving, and she started walking fast until I met her at the edge of the table.
“Hey, sweetheart,” I mumbled, swallowing hard.
I pulled her into my arms and hugged her around the baby as she sniffled into my neck. We could only hug for a minute—there were rules about that shit—so within seconds, I was tilting her face to mine so I could kiss her. I didn’t wait until we were feeling comfortable; we didn’t have time for that. I just tilted my head to hers and pulled her bottom lip into my mouth a tiny bit and ran my tongue across it before pulling back.
I couldn’t kiss her like I wanted to. I couldn’t put my tongue in her mouth, or pull hers into mine, and it fucking killed me.
The guard at the edge of the room cleared his throat, so I pulled away and grabbed her hand. She still hadn’t spoken by the time we’d sat down, and I couldn’t think of a fucking word to say.
I was just staring at her. Soaking it all in.
“Hey,” she whispered, looking at my face and rubbing her thumb over my palm.
“This is fuckin’ awkward, right?”
“A little.” She smiled gently, and I wanted to pull her over the goddamn table. “You wanna meet Will?”
For a second, a fraction of a second, I’d forgotten he was there as I’d stared at her.
“Ye—” I cleared the nervous knot in my throat. “Yeah. I do.”
She unwrapped him from a dark green blanket, and the first thing I noticed was a little fucking black Mohawk down the center of his head. He was sleeping—his fist by his face—and the sight of him was like a punch to the chest.
“You wanna hold
him?” she asked, looking anxious. “I checked the rules and I think you can hold him.”
Before I could answer, she’d leaned across the table and laid him against my chest so I had no choice but to put my arm under him. He was so fucking tiny; my empty saddlebags must have weighed more than him.
“Holy fuck,” I gasped, trying to figure out the best way to hold him so his head wasn’t flopping around.
My head snapped up when I heard her giggle, and when I met her eyes, something just clicked. We were parents. Holy shit.
“I’m not writing that in his baby book,” she told me with a smile. “The first time your dad held you, he said, ‘Holy Fuck’. It was a tender moment…”
I huffed out a laugh and felt my throat start to close up.
I reached my hand back to hers and she caught it instantly, watching Will and me with a soft look on her face. “He looks like you,” she murmured.
“Naw, he’s all you. Look at that hair!”
“I know, right? I couldn’t believe he was born with it like that. Gram says it’s pretty normal and it might even fall out.”
“What color are his eyes?” I asked softly, looking down at his little face, his mouth smacking like he was trying to eat or something.
“They started out this dark grey color, and I thought for sure they were gonna turn blue, but he got your brown ones. They’re getting more like yours every day.”
“I can’t believe we made him,” I whispered softly to myself, but knew she heard me when her hand squeezed mine.
“Pretty cool, huh?”
“He’s fuckin’ beautiful,” I told her seriously, lifting my face so I could focus on her again.
I was holding my son in my arms and holding hands with my woman, and it was the best thing I’d felt in months.
“I can’t wait until you’re home.”
“Me either, Sugar.”
We lapsed into silence again, but it was comfortable this time. I was soaking that shit in. I could smell her lotion from across the table, and I prayed that I’d be able to smell it on my clothes after she’d gone. She’d just arrived and I was already dreading her leaving so much that I was having trouble breathing.
I wanted to walk out that fucking door with her. I wanted to carry my son to the car, buckle him in, and then kiss the hell out of his mother. I wanted to hold her hand as I drove her home, watch her feed Will, give him a bath, and change his shitty fucking diapers. I wanted it all and it hurt so goddamn bad that I couldn’t have it.
“I signed up for cosmetology school,” she told me abruptly, biting the inside of her cheek. “Farrah and I are going to go together.”
“Is that doing makeup and shit?”
“No, it’s mostly cutting and coloring hair—stuff like that.” She was looking nervous and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why.
“That’s great, Callie. Are you excited?”
I watched her shoulders deflate in relief. “Yeah, I am. I’m excited to learn a bunch of new stuff and be able to get a good job.”
“Then what’s wrong? Why’re you strung tight as shit?”
“I just wasn’t sure what you’d think,” she mumbled, looking down at the table.
“Hey, look at me,” I whispered softly as one of the guards called a motherfucking ten minute warning. “I’m so happy for you, baby. You’re gonna do so good.”
“You think?”
“I’m sure. It’s gonna feel good when you can get a sweet job, not have to work at a fuckin’ fast food place forever, yeah?”
“Yeah, I’m stoked that I’ll be able to support us.”
I jolted in my seat at her words and instantly felt uncomfortable. “Why do you need to support yourselves? I’ll always take care of you.”
“That’s not what I meant,” she backpedalled, making my anxiety ratchet up a bit. “I just don’t want to have to depend on you for everything. It’s not fair to either of us.”
“Don’t hear me complaining, Callie,” I rumbled, completely frustrated at the turn of the conversation. I looked away, trying to get my shit locked down, when she squeezed my hand.
“I love you and I know you’ll always take care of us. I just want to be able to do my part, okay?”
“Yeah, Sugar. Okay.” I could understand that; she’d been vulnerable for a really long time. I hated the thought of her moving on without me, but I wasn’t going to fuck up our visit by being an asshole. I started feeling comfortable again just as the guard called for visits to be over, and I felt myself growing panicked.
“Can I hug you again?” she whispered as she stood up across from me.
“Fuck yes,” I grumbled, following her up and pulling her close. “I love you both so fuckin’ much.”
“We love you, too,” she whispered as she started to cry. “I wish I didn’t have to go.”
“I know, sweetheart. It’s only for now, okay?” I whispered back fiercely. “Thank you for bringing Will.”
I handed her our son and wrapped my arms around both of them.
That was where I was supposed to be. I was supposed to be holding my family, taking care of them. I wasn’t supposed to be visiting them with people watching our every fucking move, analyzing the way I fucking held her hand or carried my boy.
She tilted her head up to me in invitation, and I fucking took it. I pushed my tongue between her pursed lips for just a second, tasting her, and then pulled away before the guards could fuck with us.
“I’ll call you in a couple days. Send me some pictures of you and Will, yeah?”
“Okay.” She was crying hard then, sniffling, her makeup running down her face. “I love you.”
“I love you, too. You better go,” I told her, lifting my chin toward the entrance.
When she turned around to walk away from me, I almost dropped to my knees.
My chest was on fire.
I wasn’t ready.
I wasn’t done yet.
I needed more fucking time.
I was missing goddamn everything.
I wasn’t fucking ready.
I just needed a little more time.
Just a few more goddamn minutes.
Holy fuck.
It couldn’t be over already.
Chapter 68
Callie
That first visit with Asa was the hardest. I cried the entire way back to the hotel with Gram holding my hand. She didn’t speak; she just wrapped my hand in hers the minute I sat down, and drove.
I didn’t remember much of the next few hours, but eventually I got my shit together, and we left for Sacramento the next morning.
After that, both arriving at the prison and leaving again got—if not easier—at least bearable. I knew each time that Will and I would be back, and it gave me something to look forward to. Sometimes we’d bring Gram or Cody during school breaks, but mostly, it was just me and Will. We needed that time, just our little family.
Farrah and I started school and she was freaking fantastic at everything. While I had to study and practice until I thought my brain was going to ooze out my ears, she just seemed to pick up everything the first time, without even trying. It was frustrating, but I couldn’t be too pissed about it—she loved it. She’d obviously found something that made her happy, and after all she’d been through, she deserved it.
Gram took care of Will, even though it left her exhausted by the end of the day. She never complained, but I was always relieved when Cody was home from school and could help her out. She refused to let me look into getting a different babysitter, but sometimes I felt guilty for leaving him with her all day. Leaving him at all was so much harder than I’d imagined, but the look of pride on Gram’s face when we’d arrive home from school was like an affirmation that I was doing the right thing.
Will grew like a weed. His hair took forever to grow in, but he never lost the little Mohawk he was born with, and I freaking loved it. He was my little rocker baby, and some of my favorite memories are of Farrah and me dancing
him around the house while he giggled hysterically, his little mouth pouring drool all over the front of our t-shirts.
He was a ham, grinning in almost every photo we took, and he looked like Asa more each day. His little body was sturdy, usually measuring in the ninety-fifth percentile at his appointments, and it was a chore just keeping the poor boy in clothes that fit. I loved it. Every minute of every day, I was thankful for the little person that got into my makeup bag and poured out all of my loose powder, then stayed up until all hours of the night when I had tests the next day. When I looked into his face I saw a perfect mixture of his father and me, and I couldn’t imagine my life without him.
We recorded every milestone, no matter how small, with video and photographs and I sent the photos to Asa weekly, keeping him updated on what our son was up to. I knew that he hated missing so many things, so I tried to keep him as involved as possible. It wasn’t easy.
Sometimes, I just wanted to enjoy the moment, without feeling panicked when I couldn’t find the camera. But I never stopped the video diary. If I was feeling frustrated, I knew Asa was feeling a thousand times worse.
My resentment over our circumstances grew with every passing day, burning and churning inside me until I felt ready to erupt. It was the club’s fault that our son barely knew his father. It was their fault that I was sleeping alone every night and that Asa was stuck behind bars in a prison full of murderers and rapists and God knew what else. My loathing for the Aces fed me, it kept me focused and calm when I felt the opposite, and it reinforced the wall between me and anything that I knew would be too much for me to handle.
It kept me safe from my memories by giving me something else to focus on while Asa was gone.
We were only able to visit Asa around my school schedule, which sometimes left us without face to face contact for months. Those were the hardest times. I lived for the moments that I could see him smiling at Will—watching as Will sat up for the first time on the little visitor’s table, or seeing him stumble into the room for the first time on his own two feet. In those moments, we were like any other family in the world.