She’d stepped in when she didn’t have to and saved my child.
“Of course, de priest’s brudder may be dere, too,” I said softly after a moment, watching her closely. “Dough his experiences would make dem t’ankful for dere own.”
Her lower lip trembled as tears filled her eyes and her fingertips went white where they gripped the door. My stomach clenched at her expression and I wondered for a second if I’d done the wrong thing.
I’d respected her wishes all those years ago, but that hadn’t meant that I’d forgotten. It only meant that I hadn’t contacted her when I’d made sure the men she feared no longer walked the earth. She’d wanted me to leave her alone, and I had. After I’d made sure that the monsters who’d hurt her had paid.
“He had a rough time of it then?” she asked through her teeth, her nostrils flaring as she took in a deep breath.
“His mot’er would not have known him,” I answered honestly.
A sob came out of her mouth, but I kept my distance. Years ago, I would have taken her into my arms and comforted her, but there was a wide gap between us now that I didn’t know how to breach. All I knew with certainty was that she did not want me to touch her.
“Thank you, Patrick,” she said, her voice hoarse. I nodded, opening my mouth to speak, but nothing came out.
“Trick? What the hell are you doing here?” Nix called out, walking up the open stairs to Amy’s apartment.
“Just stopped by to have a word wit’ yer mum,” I answered, stepping away from Amy’s door. “Ye look good, boyo.”
“Thanks, man.” He leaned in to give me a hug, and I gripped him hard, thumping his back twice as I let go.
I hadn’t seen the boy in far too long, though I was sure Amy would have disagreed. From the emotionless look on her face, I knew she hated that we’d kept in contact at all. I wondered if she knew that we spoke on the phone every couple of weeks, or that he always brought his bike down to Eugene for fixing up.
I hadn’t set out to keep in contact with Nix. In fact, I hadn’t thought of him at all in the first few weeks after I’d left. I’d been too busy taking care of first Kevin—in a warehouse outside of Dallas—and then Malcolm, in the back room of Casey Dillon’s pub.
Sometimes, late at night, I thought about the night I’d caught up with Malcolm, wishing I could do it all over again. He’d been easy to get a hold of, drunk off his fat arse in a pub not far from his mum’s. I’d had to wait until he’d sobered up to start in because I hadn’t wanted him to miss any of it or neglect to realize the reason for my visit. By the time the alcohol had mostly left his system, he was tied to a chair with a rag in his mouth, bleeding to death from the rough castration I’d performed.
It had been too quick, and I’d left feeling unsatisfied and uncomfortable in my own skin, as if I’d missed something. The feeling had plagued me for years.
It hadn’t been until after I’d arrived back in Eugene, weary and ready to be home for a while with Brenna, that I’d gotten a phone call at the shop. Phoenix had been pissed—going on and on about how I’d done something to his mother—how she’d been acting strange since I’d left, and had broken up with her boyfriend. I didn’t say much during that first call, I’d just let him take out his anger and his confusion on me over the telephone lines until he’d finally come to a ragged stop.
He’d called again a few weeks later, his anger still present.
Then again a few weeks after that, his anger mostly gone.
It went on like that for months, until one day when he called the shop, there wasn’t one heated word. Instead, he’d told me about school, and the dirt bike his mum had helped him buy. After that, he called regularly, just to visit, and I never gave any indication that his calls weren’t welcome. At first he’d been my only connection to Amy, but it hadn’t taken long before I was anxious for his calls just to know that he was doing alright. I’d begun to care for him when we’d met again in Texas, but as the calls continued, I grew to love him with a ferocity that I hadn’t understood was possible for a child that didn’t belong to me.
I knew even then that the lad had a long road ahead of him—especially in that tiny Texas town where being different wasn’t so popular. I’d breathed a sigh of relief when he and Amy had moved to Portland—a city that got off on sticking out in a crowd.
“Are you coming in for dinner? Mum’s making—”
My heart thumped hard and began to race.
“Patrick can’t stay,” Amy announced firmly with a small shake of her head.
“Yer mum’s right, I was just on my way t’rough,” I told him, respecting her choice, but hating that I couldn’t speak up. I’d never understood how my da could walk away from us without even arguing until that moment, when I knew that I’d let her push me away again without a protest.
I wasn’t about to cause a rift between her and Nix because I had the overwhelming urge to push her inside the apartment and tell her I wasn’t going anywhere.
“Through Portland?”
“Right.”
“Hey, how’s Brenna doing?” he asked, looking between his mum and I as if he knew a secret. I almost laughed at his attempt to make Amy uncomfortable. He had no idea that I’d figured it out.
“She’s healin’,” I said with a small smile. “And she’s havin’ another babe.”
“Congratulations!” Nix swung one of his long arms out and slapped my shoulder, and I couldn’t help but be proud of the self-assured man he’d become.
He was a good lad, there was no doubt about that.
I heard a small noise, and my head whipped toward Amy. I wasn’t even sure it had come from her until I saw the frown on her face.
“She’s pregnant?” she asked sympathetically.
“Aye,” I answered, confused for a moment. “She and Dragon—a lad from de club—are havin’ anot’er.”
“Wait, what?”
“They have me oldest granddaughter, and now another on de way.”
“Okay,” she said hesitantly, her face still confused.
“It’s a long ass story, Mum,” Nix said, taking off his coat as he moved inside.
“Well, it was nice to see you again Patrick,” Amy declared abruptly, as if she was afraid I’d follow Nix into the house. “Thanks for stopping by.”
“I’ll call you later this week,” Nix yelled as Amy began closing the door. “My bike is rattling and I can’t figure out where the fuck it’s coming from.”
“Talk to ye soon, boyo,” I called back. Then I met Amy’s guarded eyes and gave her a small nod before I forced myself to walk away.
I’d been anxious to see her, and thankful that I’d been given a reason to do so … but as I left her apartment complex that evening, I wondered if it would have been better if I’d not seen her at all. The pain I’d felt in my chest the last time she’d ordered me from her house came back with startling intensity as I climbed on my bike.
Christ, when would I stop having such a visceral reaction to the woman? I had any pussy I wanted at the club, my vice-president patch and big cock enough of an aphrodisiac for any of the whores—but twenty minutes in the company of one woman and I wanted to either fuck only her forever or be celibate for the rest of my bloody life.
When I looked at her, I didn’t see the forty-year-old woman with laugh lines bracketing her eyes and mouth. I saw her at eighteen, smooth skinned and adoring as she’d looked at me from inside my sheets.
I missed the smell of her, the taste of her, the feel of her, and the ache for her didn’t fade no matter how long we’d spent apart.
I deliberately blanked my mind as I started up my bike and pulled out of the small parking lot. There was no use trying to figure out why she affected me so strongly; it just was, and I didn’t believe that would ever change.
I belonged to her no matter how much she hated me.
***
“Hey, Pop!” Brenna called out across the noisy room, making my head snap up in surprise. “Did I leave L
eo’s blanket in your room earlier?”
I shook my head, not even bothering to try and yell over the music and laughter that surrounded me. I was tired, so goddamn tired.
I’d been living in the clubhouse for a fuck of a long time, and the constant buzz of people in and out was finally getting old. Christ, maybe it was just me that was getting old. I’d sold my house back when Brenna had gotten married because I’d hated going home to the quiet, but lately I’d been missing that silence.
It was as if the younger lads saw me as some sort of den mother, and more often than not, they’d been coming to me with bullshite problems that I had no interest in solving. I didn’t care who was fucking who, or which little prick had forgotten to pick up the kegs from behind the bar. I just didn’t give a shit.
It had been over two years since the last time I’d seen Amy, and I think the visit had fucked me up more than I’d realized at the time. Before I’d stopped by her apartment that day, I’d let myself believe in the back of my mind that she’d come back to me at some point. That in some alternate reality, she’d been waiting for me to make the first move—and as long as I hadn’t seen her, I’d been able to perpetuate that lie in my head.
I could no longer do so.
I’d seen Phoenix eight or nine times in the past two years, and I’d not seen Amy even once.
“It was in Slider’s room,” Brenna mumbled into my ear before climbing over the back of the couch I was sitting on. “Whatcha doin’, Pop?”
“Havin’ a beer and watchin’ Casper act like a woman,” I answered, pointing the neck of my bottle toward where the kid was smiling goofily at his girl.
“Be nice, they’re cute.”
“Don’t know about cute—good thing he worships the ground she walks on, though.”
“No shit—Slider would kill him.”
“Slowly,” I agreed.
“Everyone’s settling down lately and having babies,” she said tiredly, resting her head on my shoulder. “You ever wish you had more kids after me?”
“Yer ma couldn’t have any more after ye,” I reminded her.
“That’s not what I asked.”
I was quiet for a moment, thinking back to the day I’d asked Amy to marry me. “Aye, I thought about more children. At one point, I thought I’d have a houseful.”
“You’re still young, you know. You have time.”
“Yer delusional,” I said through a laugh. “That time is long gone.”
“At least an old lady then.”
“Not sure that’ll happen either, lass.” I wrapped my arm around her and kissed the side of her head. “Don’t ye worry about yer old da. I’ve got everythin’ I need right here.”
“Of course you do, I’m awesome. God, I’m tired,” she moaned, relaxing even farther into my chest.
“Where are the babies?”
“Vera stayed at the house with them so Dragon and I could have some adult time, but shit, he’s over there playing pool with the boys and all I want to do is take a nap.” Her voice was muffled against my cut, and a memory hit me of her drooling all over the thing when she was cutting teeth.
“Close yer eyes, lass. I’ll wake ye up if anythin’ excitin’ happens.”
“I knew you were my favorite.”
“I better be.”
She fell asleep within minutes, and Dragon caught my eye from across the room, tilting his head to the side in question. I shook my head, letting him know she was fine where she was and leaned back into the couch. It had been a long time since my girl had fallen asleep curled up against me—I was going to savor it a little longer.
I must have fallen asleep at some point, because I woke up to my phone vibrating against my chest. Brenna had scooted down in her sleep and her curly red head was resting on my thigh, one hand tucked under her face and the other clutching Leo’s blanket like she was afraid she’d lose it again. My baby girl was a mum. Sometimes it was hard to believe it.
I pulled my phone from the pocket of my shirt and answered it quickly before the ringer started blaring.
“Yeah?”
There was silence on the end of the line, and I tensed as I waited.
“Patrick?”
“Amy?”
“Phoenix,” she gasped as if she was trying to catch her breath, and I immediately tucked the phone into the space between my neck and my shoulder so I could use both hands to slide Brenna’s head onto the couch. “They think someone beat him, Patrick. Someone hurt him bad.”
“Where are ye?” I barked, knowing that I should temper my voice, but unable to do it with the panic coursing through my veins.
“We’re at Emmanuel in Portland. They called me when they brought him in but—” she sniffled again. “They haven’t let me see him and no one is telling me anything.”
“Ye alone?”
“Ken’s here. Shit. Mat. Mat’s here.”
Ken?
“Nix’s Mat?”
“Yeah.”
“Can ye give him de phone?”
There was a shuffling noise for a couple of seconds, and while I waited I walked toward the boys standing around the pool table. As they noticed me, I motioned with my head and they all nodded, moving off to talk to their women.
“Trick?”
“Hey, Mat. What’s goin’ on, man?”
“I don’t know,” the poor kid said quietly.
“Ye haven’t heard anythin’?”
“I’ve got a friend, she works in the ER and she was supposed to text me, but she hasn’t.”
“Maybe she hasn’t got a chance yet. Gotta give them time to see what’s what. Everything’s probably fine—just gotta be patient, boyo. I need you to stay with Amy, okay? I’m on my way, but I won’t be there for hours yet—you stay with her even if you hear from your friend.”
“I will. I will. Do you want me to call you if we hear anything? God, Trick, I don’t understand why it’s taking so long.” He sniffed hard at the other end of the line, and my stomach clenched.
Amy’s tears I understood, that was her baby boy. But if Mat was upset enough to cry, I knew that things were not good.
“Yeah, mate. Call if you hear anythin’. I’ll be on the bike, so leave a message and I’ll check back in a bit.”
“Okay.”
“Stay with Amy.”
“I will. Patrick?”
“Yeah, kid?”
“I was supposed to go with him,” he whispered. “We had plans but I wanted to stay home because work’s been so crazy. I didn’t—fuck—I should have been with him.”
I stopped next to my bike and felt my stomach roll. A small part of me wanted to yell. I wanted to tell him that, yes, he should have fucking been there. As a parent, I wanted to blame the little fucker for not having Nix’s back.
But I would never say such a thing aloud. Because I knew with absolute certainty that whatever happened was not his fault… and the guilt was going to poison him from the inside out without a single word from me.
“Could have happened even if ye were there, Mat,” I said instead. “Could be ye in there with him, yeah? I’ll call ye soon.”
I hung up the phone, and had to brace myself on my bike for a moment.
That’s where Slider, Dragon, Grease and Casper found me a few minutes later.
“I need you boys with me,” I said, grabbing my helmet.
“What’s goin’ on, Poet?” Slider asked.
“Amy just called. Said Nix got jumped.”
“Motherfucker. He alright?”
“Not sure—Amy’s worried outta her mind and they’re not tellin’ her shite.”
“They in Portland?”
“Emmanuel.”
“You need me there?”
“No, brother. Not sure how well that would go over and I don’t want to add to her worry.”
“Yeah, I get it.” Slider ran his hand over his short goatee. “You’ll let me know when you hear somethin’?”
My life from before rarely mixed with t
he one in Eugene. I’d never wanted Brenna to question where she’d come from or the love I’d felt for her mother—especially after we’d lost her—but the boys at the club knew Nix. Slider had taken an interest in the boy from the very beginning, when he’d first come for a visit during his freshman year in college, probably because he was Amy’s. I knew the man would be worried as hell until I got to Portland and found out what the fuck was going on.
“I’ll keep ye posted,” I agreed, then turned to the lads. “Ye boys up for a ride to Portland?”
“Yup.”
“I’m down.”
“They know who did it?” Grease asked, crossing his arms across his chest.
“Not yet, but I sure as fuck will,” I said roughly.
We left immediately, and even riding well over the speed limit, it still took us hours before we were pulling into the emergency parking lot at the hospital. I hadn’t heard one word from Amy or Mat, and by the time we’d stowed our colors and walked in the sliding glass doors, I was strung tight as a bow.
“I’m lookin’ for Phoenix Gallagher,” I told the receptionist, making Dragon’s eyes snap to me in surprise.
“I’m sorry sir, we can’t give out information—”
“I’m his da,” I interrupted, slapping my driver’s license on the countertop. “Where’s me son?”
“It looks like he’s in surgery. Let me make you guys some nametags so you can get there without a problem.”
We were on the move again and riding the elevator to the surgery floor in minutes, but it felt like the woman had taken as long as she possibly could to write two words on a sticker with a fucking marker.
“Lucy, you got some 'splainin’ to do,” Dragon mumbled behind me.
“Shut it, Ricky,” I snapped back, the lights of the hospital giving me a headache after riding in the dark for so long. Where was my boy? Fuck, I was losing it.
I saw Amy the minute the elevator doors opened, and my first instinct was to go straight to her and pull her against me, but I held myself back. Instead, I walked slowly toward where she and Mat were sitting quietly, not saying a word until she looked up and caught sight of me.
“They took him into surgery,” she said, standing up to meet us. “His spleen was ruptured, so they had to take care of that first.” Her hands came up to cover her mouth and I moved without thought.