“Why are ye doin’ dis? I’ve loved ye for most of me life! I’ve never stopped lovin’ ye, and I know ye haven’t, eit’er!”
His words were ripping me up, tearing my insides to pieces and setting them on fire inside my chest. It was painful, but the longer he held me, the angrier I got.
Why couldn’t he see it? Why had he been so blind for so long?
I loved him! Of course I fucking loved him! But it didn’t matter how many times I told myself I’d forgiven Patrick, I couldn’t shake the resentment I felt toward him and it hadn’t dissipated as years went by; if anything, it had only grown stronger.
“You want to know why?” I asked viciously, my voice rising. “Really, Patrick?”
I caught movement out of the corner of my eye, and the old, familiar face almost brought me to my knees.
“You don’t want to do this here,” Doc said gently with a shake of his head. “Not here, girl.”
I looked at him, the way age had made his upper back curve a bit and his body narrow with loss of muscle, but as I met his eyes, I was transported back to Ireland and the worst night of my life.
The words poured out of me then.
“I woke up tied to a chair,” I began, moving my head back toward Patrick in time to see his face pale. “It was one of those kitchen chairs with the arm rests. Wood. The backrest wasn’t real tall, it stopped at the base of my neck.”
I watched Patrick swallow hard, but he didn’t interrupt me as the crowd around us grew completely silent.
“I had a belt in my mouth that was tightened around the back of my head. He said it was so I didn’t bite my tongue.”
I glanced to the side, and saw Vera watching me in horror, but I couldn’t stop. I was purging, the words coming out of me in waves.
“I didn’t know who he was—I’d never seen him before. But as soon as I was awake, he took the belt out of my mouth and explained why I was there. He just wanted to know where his fiancé was. And I remember thinking, ‘Thank God, that’s all he wants. I’ll help him find her.’ ”
“Amy,” Patrick whispered.
“You wanted to know, right? That’s what all that yelling was about.”
“I didn’t—”
“The first time I didn’t give him the answer he wanted, he pulled my head back over the edge of the chair. I thought he was going to slit my throat, but instead he cut all of my hair off. All of it. There were times that I could feel the metal against my scalp, that was how short he’d made it. I cried as he cut it, and he scolded me for it, but I didn’t realize... I didn’t realize what would come next, or I would have saved my tears.”
“After that, he went for my hands. He started with my pointer finger,” I said clearly, lifting my hand and wiggling the crooked digit as Patrick began to shake. “He smashed it with a ball peen hammer when I still wouldn’t tell him where Moira was.”
I heard someone cry out from Vera’s side of the room, and Patrick reached out to brace himself against the bar, but I didn’t pause.
“The middle was next, and by that time I’d already pissed myself, but I barely noticed over the pain. What’s a little mess when it felt like he was ripping my fingers off one by one?”
Patrick’s hand fell off my arm and limply to his side as he began to sway.
“I couldn’t tell him where she was, because I didn’t know where she was.” I laughed darkly. “The two smallest fingers hurt the worst, probably because he didn’t have much room to work, so he broke the knuckles.”
Patrick flinched with every word I spoke.
“Please, me love—” he whispered achingly.
“Thankfully, by the time he’d reached my thumb, he asked the right question. It was the difference between where is she and where did he take her. I knew where you were headed, so I finally had an answer. Thank God, I finally had an answer.”
“I beg ye, stop,” he pleaded raggedly.
“He wasn’t happy at my answer,” I whispered back, leaning forward at the waist. “Perhaps it hadn’t been what he wanted to hear.”
“Mot’er of God.” I watched his lips form the words, but he made no sound.
“So while I was out of it with pain, he stripped me from the waist down, then he cleaned me,” I shuddered in revulsion at the memory, my voice beginning to grow hoarse. “And he raped me on his mother’s couch.”
“You left me in Ireland to take care of a woman you barely knew, and because of that, he tortured me and raped me until I lost consciousness.” I clenched my jaw against the emotion burning in my chest. “You promised me you’d never leave me again. You promised that I’d never have to be afraid. You promised that you’d never love anyone else.”
I watched Patrick’s face go from pale to an alarming shade of gray, but I didn’t stop.
I still didn’t stop.
“Do you remember the day you found out I was pregnant? When you spit in my face and said I was filthy?” I growled at him, tears finally falling freely down my cheeks. “I didn’t say anything back, because I couldn’t disagree with you. I felt filthy. The kind of filth that you scrub and scrub, but it never comes off.”
“No—” Patrick whispered painfully, his voice barely audible.
“You accused me of paying you back for fucking another woman, and I began to laugh, do you remember?” I waited until his eyes squeezed shut with the memory, then hissed through my teeth, “It was hilarious, Patrick. Because I hadn’t paid you back for sleeping with her. He did.”
Patrick’s eyes shot open as his legs went out from under him, and he landed on his knees with a loud thump, his entire body curling forward.
“Mum?” I heard over my shoulder, and I felt my entire body pull inward in fear. “Mum?”
I turned to see Nix walking toward me slowly, devastation clear on his face.
“You never told me,” he accused, meeting my eyes. “And, you.” He pointed toward Patrick, more angry than I’d ever seen him. “Get up.”
As soon as Patrick was on his feet, Nix’s fist hit him so hard in the side of the face that he went down again.
“Phoenix, what the hell are you doing?” I cried, “Stop it!”
Patrick climbed to his feet again, only to be punched a second time, splitting his lip so badly that blood poured down his face. He didn’t retaliate or try to defend himself in any way. He just stood there, silent, as my kindhearted son continued to hit him over and over again.
Sometimes Patrick was knocked to the ground, but every single time he did, he stood back up again.
No one was stopping them, and the only sound that could be heard in the cavernous room was the disgusting sound of flesh connecting brutally with flesh.
Until, finally, blessedly, Patrick didn’t get up off his knees.
“I trusted you,” Nix spit out finally, holding his hand over the surgery scar on his belly. “I fucking wanted her with you, and I couldn’t understand why she kept you at a distance. I continued to talk to you even though I knew it bothered her… I thought she was being unreasonable!”
“Stop, son,” I said, stepping forward to rest my hand on his arm.
He shrugged me off, breaking my heart, and I turned my gaze to Patrick.
I’d never seen him look so defeated.
“I know I failed ye,” he said, his nostrils flaring as he tried not to cry. “Me sins are great, and I’ll burn for dem. But if ye never believe anyt’in’ else, know dat I loved ye more den anyt’in’. Ye were me sanctuary. Me solace in a world gone mad. I’d endure a thousand deat’s to go back and ensure ye did not feel one moment of pain.”
I was too busy staring into his shattered eyes to notice the movement before it was too late. By the time I realized what was happening, he’d already handed a large blade handle first to Nix.
“I’ll not stop ye,” he whispered brokenly to Nix, while I watched in horror. “From ear to ear, son. It’s easier den ye’d t’ink.”
Nix took the blade from Patrick’s hand as men rushed toward u
s, but before I could blink or the men could reach us, his arm was moving.
***
“Did you know he wouldn’t do it?” I said quietly, standing in Patrick’s room with my arms crossed over my chest.
“I prayed he would.”
“He was out of control—I’ve never seen my son that way before. Why would you do that?”
“Takin’ de easy way out, I suppose,” Patrick answered as he finally met my eyes. “De guilt is worse den dyin’.”
The moment Patrick’s blade had stuck in the wall behind the bar with a thud, men had converged on where we were standing. Grease had led Nix away while I stood frozen, watching as Slider slid his shoulder underneath Patrick’s arm and pulled him to his feet. I wasn’t sure why I let Doc gently lead me into Patrick’s room, but my feet instinctively carried me toward the shell of the man I loved without protest.
“I’ve not been de best man,” he whispered, his accent, as usual, so much more pronounced in his grief. “I’ve done t’ings dat I’ll burn for, killed men for no reason udder den to follow de task I’d been given, but nuttin’ in me life has felt as wrong as leavin’ ye in Ireland. I knew it before I went, and I was too young and too stupid to follow me instinct to stay wit’ ye.”
“You couldn’t have known—”
“It doesn’t matter,” he whispered brokenly. “I told ye I’d protect ye and I didn’t. I’m so sorry, me love. So sorry.”
“I didn’t understand how you could have left me,” I whispered back, tears beginning to fall down my face. “I was so devastated.”
The sound that came out of his throat then was the most painful wail I’d ever heard. It didn’t last long, only a second, but the sound seemed to echo in the room.
“It was me fault, all of it,” Patrick choked, sliding onto his knees on the floor. “And den I—and den I blamed ye. God forgive me, I blamed ye.”
I watched him as he tried to hold back his sobs, lost in my own misery, until I heard voices outside the door.
“You’re not going in there,” Slider said.
“That’s my mum.” Oh, shit. Nix was out there. I turned my head toward the door.
“And she’s with her man, it’s none of your concern.”
“He’s not her man. He’s just some prick that left her to be brutalized and then continued to torture her with it for thirty fuckin’ years. She came here to serve him divorce papers, for fuck’s sake.”
“She could have mailed those fuckin’ papers,” Slider retorted, his tone indicating he was losing patience. “Boy, you don’t want to try me. I’ll fuckin’ lay ya out before ya know what’s happenin’.”
“Ye better go wit’ yer boy,” Patrick said quietly, his voice ragged.
I turned back to face him, and I was drawn into the eyes I’d loved for most of my life. I was certain in that moment that he was prepared to do exactly what I’d asked of him. He was letting me go.
“I don’t know how.”
“To do what, me love?” he asked gently.
“I don’t know how to not love you.”
“Lovin’ me doesn’t mean ye forgive me, and I don’t deserve yer forgiveness.”
I lowered myself to the floor until we were facing each other, and drew in a shuddering breath. “I know that it wasn’t your fault, but God, Patrick, you weren’t blameless, either. But all these years, I knew what happened and you didn’t. You got to move blissfully along with your life, making a family with Moira and raising your daughter… and I was just stuck. I resented you so much for that, for leaving me and spending your life with the woman who was the reason I was ruined.”
“Yer not ruined,” he replied gently but firmly, lifting his fingers to my cheek. “Ye were never ruined. Yer de strongest woman I’ve ever met. Kind and funny and so gorgeous dat sometimes it hurts to look at ye. Ye were never ruined, me love, just cracked open for a bit. Took a while for ye to piece it back toget’er, but ye did it.”
He swallowed hard, running his fingers down my jaw. “Ye’ll never know how sorry I am dat I wasn’t dere to help ye find all of dose pieces ye lost.”
“I don’t think I can leave you.” I murmured quietly.
“I don’t deserve for ye to stay.”
“What about what I deserve?”
“Ye deserve everyt’in’. Ye deserve everyt’in’ I promised ye and didn’t give ye.”
“Give it to me now.” I whispered, chewing on the inside of my cheek.
“Yer de best part of me. Ye know dat?” His eyes searched my face. “Yer de best part, and dat means ye’d be gettin’ de worst parts if ye stayed wit’ me.”
“Would you ever leave me again?”
“Me love,” he said tenderly, “I can’t even imagine ever lettin’ ye out of me sight again. But I’ll do it, I’ll sign de papers, if dat’s what ye want.”
“I’ve missed you so much—” my words cut off with a painful sob.
“And I’ve ached for ye. I’ve never stopped, wife. Not for one moment.”
I lurched forward, and he caught me.
He caught me.
“Shhh, don’t cry sweetheart,” he murmured into my ear, his own voice full of tears. “I’ve got ye. I know I’m late, me love, but I’m here now.”
Chapter 54
Patrick
I sat with Amy on the old cement floor, refusing to move a muscle even as my back began to ache and my feet fell asleep.
I didn’t understand why she was still there, why she’d curled against me and cried into my chest.
I was the reason for everything terrible in her life. Every hurt she’d endured and silent pain she’d felt fell on my shoulders. I didn’t know if I could bear the weight of that.
I wasn’t sure how I was going to live with myself, knowing what I’d done and what I hadn’t.
She continued to hiccup as her tears finally came to an end, but I was afraid to say a word. I’d once told her that I wasn’t a writer because I lacked the talent to string a sentence together with any sort of eloquence. That fact was still true as I sat silently with the love of my life in my arms, praying that she wouldn’t leave me, but unable to beg her to stay.
“Do you ever wonder how our lives would have turned out?” she asked timidly.
“Every single day of me life.”
“I don’t know if I would change it,” she whispered.
“I love our children,” I replied, kissing the top of her head. “But if I could go back, I’d never leave ye in Ireland.”
“Then I wouldn’t have Phoenix—”
“Ye don’t know dat, me love.” I argued, pulling her tighter against my body. “He may have still existed… just a bit smaller and wit’ red hair.”
“I’m afraid, Patrick,” she confessed.
“Of what?”
“That you’ll leave again. That my son hates me. That your daughter is going to hate me. That we’ll never figure this out.”
“Dat’s a lot of fears.”
“That’s the condensed version,” she said tiredly with a shrug of her shoulders.
“Let’s lay some of dose to rest, eh?”
“Your accent fades in and out.”
“What?” The change of subject startled me.
“When you’re upset it gets thicker, and then it sort of fades away as you calm down.”
“Aye. I’ve tried to master it for years. Sometimes I can keep a handle on it, but it’s actually harder to keep Mum’s accent out of me voice on a daily basis.”
“Why would you try to get rid of it?”
“Seemed like a good idea when I got here, and now it’s a tell, yeah? Not good to show emotion when ye do what I do.”
“What exactly do you do?”
“Now? Mostly I keep an eye on de boys, make sure everyt’in’s runnin' smooth. Used to do it all, and none of it ye want to hear about.”
“Malcolm called you something—The Butcher? Something like that.”
My stomach clenched at the bastard’s name, but I t
ried not to show any reaction, and made absolutely sure that my accent didn’t slip. She needed to feel comfortable talking about it if that was what she needed, without fear of me losing my shit. “It’s not somet’in’ I’m proud of.”
“You killed people.”
“Aye. Only men.”
“Bad men?”
“Some of dem.”
“Good men?”
“Yes.”
“Do you wish you could take it back?”
“I try not to t’ink on it.”
She nodded in understanding, then grew quiet again.
“I’m not going to leave ye. Not ever,” I said after a few moments.
“You promise?”
“I’ll not promise, dat word has little meanin’ between us now.” I leaned back and tilted her face up so I could meet her eyes. “Know dat I’ll never live a day wit’out lovin’ ye. De day I leave ye is de day dey put me in de ground.”
“What if I go first?”
“I’ll follow ye.”
“Do you think after everything we could actually make this work?”
“Yes.”
“Why are you so sure?”
“Because I won’t give up. No matter how angry ye get when old hurts pop up, or how long it takes until ye trust me again, I’ll be right here, lovin’ ye.”
Her eyes and her nose were red and swollen, testaments to the fact that she’d spent the last few hours upset, but she smiled tremulously.
“I can’t believe I said all that in front of your friends,” she said, shaking her head. “They must think I’m a lunatic.”
“Dey don’t t’ink anyt’in’ of de sort,” I argued in disbelief. “Dey t’ink ye lived through somet’in’ horrible—ye’ll find dat many of dem have dere own stories to tell. No shame in dat.”
We heard someone come to the door then, and Slider’s muffled voice telling them to move the fuck away.
Instinct had me moving Amy off me as the door opened, and we were both on our feet before I saw who it was.
“Pop?” I should have fuckin’ known it would be Brenna. I couldn’t imagine anyone else completely ignoring Slider.
I heard my president yelling as he came down the hall, and Brenna jumped before scooting inside the door.