We shrink here at Court, but already, I feel the weight on my shoulders get just a little lighter.
Seventeen days after this “invasion” began, I know that the time has come.
It’s time to release Alivia, Ian, and Eshan.
It’s time to bring Mina, Fredrick, and Horatio back to duty.
As soon as it is dark, I slip down to the base and give word to Matthias and Dorian and Malachi. I ask that my grandsons escort the releases to the castle at midnight. Then I return to the castle.
I find Cyrus in the lab. I walk up behind him, wrapping my arms around his waist, hugging myself into his back.
He’s reading some kind of ancient text. But I don’t bother trying to decipher its words. That’s not what I’m here for.
“I’m bringing some back to the castle tonight,” I say. “Mina, Fredrick, Horatio. Eshan. And Alivia and Ian.”
He lifts his head at that, his attention piqued at the names.
“I need you at my side,” I say, cutting to the heart of my request. “You don’t have to do anything. They don’t even have to see you for more than a minute or two. But I do need them to see you. I need them to see with their own eyes that you’re still alive and well. Because I need at least Alivia to take word back to the House of Conrath that she’s seen you with her own eyes. So she can spread the word that you’re still standing. Many of the Houses doubt me, and we can’t have that show of uncertainty.”
I turn my head, pressing my lips to the base of Cyrus’ neck. His flesh is warm and soft. “I need you at my side when they come back tonight. Even if only for a minute.”
Maybe he can hear my desperation. Maybe he can sense how tired I am.
But Cyrus turns, holding me against him. His eyes glow with intensity as he looks down at me.
“I will be there for you, my love,” he says softly.
I smile in appreciation, rising onto my toes to kiss his lips.
* * *
Together, we get ready. I’m not really sure how to dress. We need to show a strong front, for Alivia and her House’s benefit and impression. But these are also people who are close to us, people who are going to be angry and hurt when I explain what I did to them.
I end up choosing a dark purple dress that hugs my bust and fans out from there, dropping to the floor. Not a chance I’m going to wear the crown today, but I do twist my hair up, regal and elegant.
Cyrus dresses in black slacks, a white button up shirt, and a vest.
Powerful, but not overbearing.
Still, my heart races in my chest as the hour ticks closer. With ten minutes to go, we go down the stairs.
Cyrus’ hand reaches for mine, and my eyes whip over to him.
“It doesn’t matter if they’re angry, or if they understand,” he says as we stop at the base of the stairs. “They may be important to you, you may even love them, but you have to think about more than just them. You did what you had to, my love.”
Tears of gratitude well at the backs of my eyes, but thankfully do not shine in them. I nod once, bolstered.
It was exactly what I needed to hear.
Together, we cross the main floor and go to the front doors.
When the clock in the entry chimes midnight, I squeeze Cyrus’ hand once more, and together, we each take one of the door handles, and pull them open wide.
There, walking up the road, just twenty yards away, is a group of eight.
And the second their eyes land on Cyrus, every one of them stops dead in their tracks.
I take advantage of the stalled moment to observe every one of them.
Alivia and Ian seem no different than the day we were “invaded.” Fredrick is as pale and thin as ever. Mina nearly looks bored, as if the past two weeks were merely an inconvenience. But Eshan… He looks thin. Pale. The bags under his eyes make me think he hasn’t slept this entire time.
He only takes a moment, taking the both of us in. And then he breaks out into a sprint, dashing up the road.
He collides with me as he crashes into the castle. His thin arms wrap around my shoulders, hugging me tight to him. Startled, I hug him back, pulling him in close. Emotion pricks the backs of my eyes as I hold my little brother who is at least six inches taller than me.
Behind him, I hear footsteps again as the group once more finishes the journey to the castle doors.
“Your majesty,” multiple voices murmur. Eshan releases me, and I see Mina, Fredrick, Dorian, Malachi, Horatio, Ian, and Alivia dipping in a bow.
There’s awe in each of their faces when they look up at Cyrus.
Most all of them knew there should be a possibility that he would recover. But one wouldn’t suspect that from the looks on their faces.
There’s reverence there. Absolute awe.
“You’re alive,” Alivia breathes. And I see fear in her eyes.
Justified.
She saw the man staked, and then just moments later she was dragged here for a trial, accused of orchestrating it.
“It seems my curse continues to be stronger than anything,” Cyrus says, fixing Alivia with dead eyes. “Even death.”
I hate that fear and uncertainty in Alivia’s eyes right now.
This needs to end.
“So is anyone going to explain why the two of you are here, in the castle, looking quite comfortable, while the rest of us have been wasting away down in the slums?”
Oh, Ian is too bold. Too stupid.
Does the idiot not know when it is the place and time for blunt words?
“Let’s get inside,” I say through gritted teeth. I nod my head further in the castle, my eyes flicking out to the complications outside. I close the castle doors and lead the group toward the Great Hall.
Eshan hovers at my side, and I reach my hand out, taking his in mine.
Guilt sparks in my throat when I look over at him.
He’s sixteen. He’s human. He’s innocent in all of this.
It’s my job to protect him. To guard him.
And look what I’ve just put him through. Because all I could think about in the last two weeks was Cyrus and our twisted hearts.
I go to the head of the table, Eshan on my one side, Cyrus standing at the other. I wait for everyone else to sit, but none of them do. They stand around the edges of it, and just look at Cyrus and I expectantly.
“I think the betrayals we’ve faced run deeper than anyone realizes,” I begin. All eyes flick from Cyrus over to me. As he promised, Cyrus is at my side, and I can feel his support, but he doesn’t say a word. “I think there are Born who have infiltrated Roter Himmel, but I also believe there are Royals here, maybe throughout the world as well, who want to see the monarchy fall.”
I look around to each of the people that surround me. And I’m one hundred percent faking everything. My confidence. My bravado.
Really, inside, I’m flaking. Crumbling. I’m filled with doubt.
“We interviewed everyone here at Court and they swore their loyalty, but words are only words,” I say. My throat grows tight as I close in on the words I don’t want to admit to. “For the safety of the Court, for the safety of the world, I needed to find the truth.”
“All of that down there was staged,” Alivia concludes instantly.
I nod. “I needed to get down to the core of everyone here at Court. I needed them to have motivation to tell the truth when interrogated about our kind and their intent.”
“So you used fear,” Ian says, disgust seeping into his voice.
“Fear brings out the truth of people,” Cyrus chimes in for the first time. And just his words, the hardness on his face, I see that fear instantly back in the eyes of all those that surround us.
“People lie, they can say anything they want, but that doesn’t make it the truth,” I move right along, feeling desperate. I don’t like feeling like I have to explain myself, but it rises in me, choking me. “I didn’t want to have to do this, to bring this on the people, but Cyrus was decapitated, there were
people who came to my parents’ house in Colorado and murdered them. The bloodshed would spread and if we did nothing, the entire world could fall apart in a matter of months.”
“And you didn’t trust us?” I’m surprised when it’s Mina who speaks up. “After everything we’ve done, after the service we’ve devoted to not only Cyrus, but you, in the last few months?”
I have to remind myself, that she, and Fredrick, who looks just as betrayed and annoyed, they have never had to be under the rule of anyone but Cyrus. They don’t know me. They don’t trust me.
“You’re all here, in the castle now, while everyone else is down there, because I do trust you,” I say, keeping my voice level and calm. “I am sorry, really truly sorry I had to put you all through everything the last two weeks, but I needed the entire city to truly believe the invasion.”
“We could have helped you, you know,” Alivia says. She looks over at me with dark eyes. “What you had to deal with, what you had to coordinate, the stress you must have been under pulling everything together. We could have helped you.”
I keep staring at her. The woman I look so much like. The woman who’s been a leader for sixteen years now. The woman who finally brought the Queen back into the world.
I hate this disconnect I feel with her. I don’t want it to be there.
But it is.
“I needed everyone to believe it was real,” I reiterate. “I’m sorry for the stress I’ve put you all under. But I did what I had to do.”
I reach out for Cyrus’ hand. I take a step toward the door. “It might be hard, but I need everyone to go back to normal life. I need your help, your services. Alivia, I know you need to return to your House. As soon as our jets have returned from their errands, you can go home. In two days.”
I look back at them one more time.
I’m fracturing. Because I see the looks of betrayal and hurt on every single one of their faces. They hate me right now. They hate seeing me holding Cyrus’ hand for support. They hate him backing me up, and me not refuting anything he said.
Emotion pricks the backs of my eyes. But I have to hold it in.
I have to believe I made the right choices.
So I turn away. I hold my head high.
And side by side with Cyrus, we walk out of the room.
I only get twenty yards down the hall when I can’t hold it anymore. The emotions well up inside of me like a tsunami. I let go of Cyrus hand. And I run.
Down hallways and passages. Cyrus doesn’t yell after me, I know he won’t, because that would alarm those back in the Great Hall, and he won’t make me look weak right now. But he follows after me for a moment, and then he stops, realizing what I need.
I weave through the castle, the air rippling my hair behind me. I twist down one stairway, cut through a room, down a passage.
And finally I can’t go any further.
I collapse in a room I don’t even recognize. There’s an overstuffed purple couch, a vanity, and a chandelier hanging above my head. I crumple into the couch, burying my face in my arms, and I let the sobs rip through me.
I’m only twenty-freaking-years old.
I’m not supposed to have to make these kinds of calls. I’m not supposed to have the power to control a kingdom and influence Houses around the world. I’m not supposed to have armies at my disposal.
I’m supposed to be out figuring my life out. I’m supposed to be worrying over how to pay rent. I’m supposed to be out for weekend parties with my best friend. I’m supposed to be worrying my mom when I don’t check in often enough.
It’s too much.
I feel like I’m drowning.
Because there are a dozen people somewhere in the castle who are livid with me. Who doubt me. Who think I did something dark and terrible.
I’ve done them.
I had to do those things.
But I’m tired. I feel guilty. I can’t hold it all in anymore.
After holding it all on my own, I have to drop the strength. I have to drop Sevan.
So as Logan, alone in a dark castle, in a strange land, I sob. I mourn the life I’ve lost, and the fate in front of me that just feels too damn heavy.
Chapter 24
Hours later, feeling weak and depleted, I leave my sanctuary. Numbly, through the hallways, I walk, straightening my dress. I wipe the mascara lines running down my face. I fix my hair as best I can.
I rely solely on my sense of hearing and smell. Down the hall on the second floor I walk, listening for who is where.
I start with the hardest.
Eshan is lying in his bed with the TV on, digging into a bag of chips. The moment I walk inside, he sits up, clicking the TV off. He watches me with waiting, unsure eyes.
I cross the room, sitting on the edge of the bed.
“I came to apologize,” I say, getting right to the point. “What I did was really terrible, and thinking of it now, I should have found a way to accomplish what I needed to without getting you involved.”
He just stares at me, and it’s hard to read his eyes at the moment.
“You’re innocent in all of this, and your life has been thrown into chaos and it’s totally unrecognizable now because of me.” I look down into my lap and once more the guilt washes over me. “It’s my job to protect you, and I failed, miserably, within the first week of being your guardian. So, I’m just really, really sorry.”
Eshan doesn’t say anything for a long minute, and when I finally look over at him, he just gives a shrug. “Whatever. At least I’m not stuck in that room anymore.”
I raise an eyebrow at him. “Whatever? That’s all you got for me?”
He shrugs again. “I mean, it was kind of a dick move and it was pretty intense and scary, but you didn’t leave us down there forever. And look around, Logan. There are people plotting to kill you and Cyrus. I mean, you had to do something.”
A little laugh slips past my lips. I shake my head at him, relief flooding through my shoulders.
“You’re not supposed to make it this easy for me,” I tease him.
“What?” he says. “You want me to give you endless crap?”
I laugh, shaking my head.
And then, twisting around, I launch myself at him, tackling him back to the bed and digging my fingers into his ribs, in his most ticklish spot.
“No!” he calls out in protest, writhing and twisting until he wiggles his way out from under me. He makes a dive, grabbing my ankle, tickling his own fingers against my bare skin. “You fight dirty, I will fight dirty back!”
I scream, yanking my foot out of his grip, which is only possible because I am not human any more.
And I know, even if no one else I go to apologize to forgives me, it’s okay. Because my little brother’s opinion is the only one that matters, and I can handle that.
* * *
An hour later, I head down the hall. The door at the end is where I hear the voices coming from. I knock on the door and wait.
Feet shuffle across the floor, and then the door swings open to reveal Ian.
He just glares darkly at me.
I push my way past him, going to stand in the big, beautiful room. And there’s Alivia, packing things into a bag over by the ornately carved desk against the wall.
“I came here to apologize,” I say, diving right in so as to avoid an argument with Ian. “I know it can’t have been pleasant, being down there in the camp with all that stuff going on. I know you were probably scared and you didn’t know what was going to happen. I’m sorry for that stress I put you both under.”
“Stress?” Ian growls as he steps forward. “Stress is worrying if you’ve got money to pay your bills. Stress is worrying about if you forgot to turn the stove off. That-”
“Ian, go find something to do,” Alivia cuts him off. She straightens, staring her husband down with annoyed and serious eyes. “I need a few minutes to talk to Logan. Alone.”
He glares at her, and I remember what Elle and Christian told
me. That this was just their way of sorting things out.
With a huff, he turns, and walks out the door.
We both stare at it for a good thirty seconds after he leaves, neither of us saying anything.
And then we turn to each other and start talking at the same time.
Then we both give a little laugh, at the same time.
“Look,” Alivia says when I wait for her to speak. Her being my elder and whatnot… “You don’t really need to apologize. Yeah, it sucked, and yeah, I kind of thought we were all going to die for a while and that my House would have no idea what happened to me. But…” She trails off, and I try to read what’s in her eyes.
Surprisingly, it’s understanding.
“Your plan was genius,” she says as a little smile curls on her lips. “It was kind of insane, and I’m really not sure how you brought it all together in such a short amount of time. But it was brilliant.”
I look at her warily. “Really?” I question. “You’re not totally pissed at me and want to throw me off a cliff for keeping you all in the dark?”
Alivia sighs. She slides her hands into her back pockets, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. “I mean, yeah, I wish you had let me in on it so I could have helped you. But, I can’t say that I wouldn’t have handled it the same way.”
We look at each other, and I finally realize—I’ve questioned if she’s a good person or not the entire time I’ve known she is my birth mother—but am I a good person? Sometimes. But not all the time.
I have to concede, that’s how we all are. We all have our moments in each direction.
“Stress makes you make extreme decisions, and sometimes you get so caught up that it’s hard to tell what’s good and what’s bad.” Alivia studies me, and I wonder if she’s seeing some of herself in me. “But there was a lot on the line, and in the end, sometimes all you can count on is yourself.”
She crosses the space and takes my hands in hers. I look into her eyes, the biggest difference between us. “You’ve had multiple lifetimes to prepare for this. You can do this. You will make the right calls. And our world is lucky to have you.” She takes a step back and dips into a bow. “Queen Sevan.”