She kissed Jason deeply, determined to replace her every memory of Jack with the reality of Jason.
A good man was right in front of her, not perished in a burst of white light. The right man, she told herself, despite the ache lurking just below the surface that told her otherwise.
Over time Jason had found that his ability to read thoughts — his gift from God, or at least one of them — was diminishing. After a few more weeks of random flashes in the silence, he was once again alone with just his own silent musings. Emma always smiled at him, for him, but he had concerns.
There were days when she stared at the sky for great chunks of time. She was fascinated by the birds, whose wings were so reminiscent of the ones she seemed to covet. Jason was afraid to ask if she missed being an angel. There was nothing he could do if her answer was yes, so he avoided the topic altogether.
It was summer when he found her sitting by the creek, turning a stone over and over in her hands.
“Hello, beautiful. Thinking about rocks as an appetizer before the trees?” He sat next to her.
“You’re hilarious.” She smiled, but the sparkle never quite made it to her spectacular green eyes.
Avoiding the topic of Heaven wasn’t a solution. Jason knew that. It was easier, but all the things that went unsaid built walls. He picked up a stone of his own.
“Can I help you?” He didn’t need to be specific. The issue she was contemplating left no room for anything else in her mind.
She sighed. “I really love being here with you. I do,” she said. “But I have trouble getting Jack out of my mind.”
Her words were a knife in his chest. Before he’d lost the power to read her mind, he’d seen much of Jack and Emma’s time together in her memories.
“Are you reading my thoughts?” She put her hand on his.
“I can’t. I mean, I haven’t been able to for a while. That power seems to have worn off.” He grasped her hand and felt her smooth skin.
She took the information with a nod. “Well, I just can’t stop the guilt I feel about not trying harder at the end. At his end.”
“There was nothing you could’ve done differently. You did speak to the angels, but for the most part you were behind the fire wall. Why was protecting him your responsibility?”
She was quiet for a bit before she answered. “I believe people are put in our paths for a reason. I can’t believe I was destined to pull Jack out of Hell just to protect what was important to me.” She dropped his hand and stood, hugging her arms. “I should have spoken up more. I should have demanded to be heard.”
Jason stood as well. After a moment, he hugged her.
“I feel like you’re not remembering the incident correctly,” he said. “Don’t forget, you were human at the time. And there wasn’t a moment where you were given the floor to deliver a speech. The angels were whipped into a frenzy — like cats with catnip.” He rubbed her arms. “They didn’t want to listen.”
She nodded. “You’re right. I have to quit thinking about it. Maybe I’ll pray instead.”
She opened her arms and returned his hug. He breathed a sigh of relief.
Emma tried to throw herself into the vampire lifestyle. Dean, Seriana, and Jason complimented her often, and they were thrilled that she was able to accompany them on feedings. Blood didn’t call to her, so helping them sustain their lives was easy. She could count to five and pull the predator away from the prey without having her lips curl around her teeth in anticipation. Eventually she went out with each family member alone, so the others were not tormented at all.
In spite of all this, one of the siblings had seemed tentative around Emma for a while now. As she walked home with a rosy-cheeked Seriana one evening, Emma found out why.
“Do remember anything about the souls in Heaven?” Seriana looked sheepish.
“Did Jason tell you not to mention Heaven to me?” Emma asked, wondering why Seriana was so unsure.
The half-breed let her long brown hair cover her face like a sheet, embarrassed. She mumbled, “I’m sorry. He did. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
Emma stopped her with her hand. “It’s okay. I’ll tell you everything I can remember. Do you have a question?”
Emma led Seriana to an empty park bench and they sat together.
“Do half-breeds go to Heaven?” she asked and without pausing for Emma’s answer continued. “Stupid question, never mind. Of course not.”
Emma looked into Seriana’s eyes as she registered the importance of her words.
“Wait. Please don’t jump to conclusions like that. I’m actually not sure about half-breeds. When angels arrive in Heaven they’re sort of washed of their previous identity. I could only recognize those I’d known in life if they crossed my path. I need to emphasize how big Heaven is. Some angels are merely collections of positive energy, not recognizable as their former selves at all. That’s how they’re happiest.” Emma waited as Seriana looked down at the street.
“I mean, we drink blood. I would’ve killed many times if it wasn’t for my brothers — and now you.” Seriana shuffled her feet.
“I don’t have all the answers, but I do have my compass.” Emma tilted Seriana’s chin so she’d look her in the eyes. The former angel placed her hand on her chest. “When I think of you my heart feels warm and bright and refreshed. You’re so very important, Seriana. I trust my heart, and I believe half-breeds can live a true life. I know that’s what your mother wanted for you.”
“Do we die? I mean, do you know that?” Seriana bit her lip.
“I can tell you that half-breeds cease to exist when their spirit gives up the will to live.” Emma had to be honest. She was providing Heavenly advice after all. “Sweetheart, a half-breed vampire’s life can be very long, but they don’t usually have a bond with other half-breeds to help them navigate the world. Many sort of become mindless, endless animals.”
Seriana looked toward the sky and took a step away from Emma, gathering herself. “I guess I knew that, deep down. We’ve been like this for a while, and we haven’t come across many others like us. And the ones we met, they weren’t, they weren’t capable of much more than feeding anymore.”
The two sat in silence, absorbing this information. Emma thought perhaps the conversation was over when suddenly Seriana spoke again.
“Was my mother in Heaven?” The words bubbled out of her like they’d been resting on the edge of her tongue for a while.
Emma adopted the comforting demeanor she’d once used when she returned to Earth as an angel to collect souls. “Oh, sweetheart. There are so many souls up there. I wouldn’t be able to tell you that.”
Seriana’s hands clenched one another. “Of course not. It was silly of me to ask.”
Emma grabbed her hands. “Seriana, look at me.” She waited until the woman’s childlike eyes were on her face. At times it was hard for Emma to believe how many years Seriana had been on earth. “I have a sure-fire way for you to find out if your mother’s in Heaven.”
Seriana looked at Emma eagerly, clearly expecting a magic trick or some hidden tool.
“Close your eyes. Good. Now, I want you to picture your mother. Try to remember her touch, her smile.”
Emma gave the image a few moments to form in Seriana’s mind. Finally, she nodded, eyes still shut tight. Emma touched the center of Seriana’s chest. “Tell me what you feel in your heart, right now.”
Seriana replied, “Love. The strongest love. But I miss her so much.” She opened her eyes.
“Your heart is your compass. It will always tell you about someone’s true nature. If your heart is soaked in love at the thought of your mother, she’s in Heaven — if she’s no longer on Earth. But I have to tell you, mothers always leave their love with their children. Always.” Emma pulled her in for a hug.
Seriana wrapped her arms tightly around Emma. “Thanks. I’ve wanted to ask you that forever, it feels like.”
When the women resumed their walk, Seriana had
a little skip to her step. Emma decided she’d ask Dean if he had any questions as well. Jason was trying to protect her, she knew that. But helping Seriana just now had given her a phantom tingling where her wings used to be.
Their conversation had opened a floodgate of questions from Seriana. “Do you guys wear clothes up there? Do you really walk on clouds? Are pets in Heaven?”
Emma laughed out loud before answering. “Yes, we wear clothes — usually of a soft, white material. You can walk on whatever you fancy. If you like clouds, that’s what will be under your feet. And are pets in Heaven? God loves all his creatures. Could you imagine a Heaven without fuzzy, four-legged fur balls?”
“Wow. Is it hard to be down here?” Seriana walked more slowly now, trying to prolong her alone time with Emma.
“I love being with your family, and the Earth is so beautiful — truly God’s favorite masterpiece. But I do miss Heaven. My job there was satisfying, and I did it well. I just think I needed a break.” Emma looked to the stars, remembering how she’d once seen them from the other side.
At that she was lost in her thoughts, but eventually they drew her back to what was now her life. The present. How scary it must be for the Parish siblings to face this unknown and try to keep their partial humanity around them like cloaks.
Emma and Seriana finished their journey home quietly, though Emma rubbed her new sister’s back from time to time.
A few weeks later, Dean was absorbed in the evening news when suddenly he rocketed off the couch and began pacing the living room. When he’d calmed down enough to explain, the others learned he thought the details of a recent murder sounded like the work of half-breed vampires. The deaths of humans at vampire hands always set the Parishes on edge. Their mother’s lessons ran deep, and they took every instance of vampires killing as almost a personal attack. While Jason, Dean, and Seriana gathered around the computer to see if they could track down more than a brief, bone-chilling description, Emma let herself out and went for a walk in the woods.
Her feet took her to the clearing where she’d begged for her wings in the heat of battle. Temperature didn’t matter much now that she was a vampire, but as she looked around, she could smell the snow in the air. Winter again.
Emma felt restless and unsure of her purpose. Her little half-breed family needed guidance, and she was doing her best, but was that it? All there was for her in this life? She decided to pray. Emma pictured God in the form He’d last taken: jolly old Santa.
Dear God,
I’m trying to find pieces of you everywhere here on Earth. I’m worried I’m not doing my best because I’m longing for Heaven. And I feel unfulfilled about Jack. I know it’s not my job to know the outcome of every event — but he had hope, he was caring. To see the angels end his existence has really shaken me. I don’t even know what I’m asking for here. I just miss You.
Love,
Emma
Her prayers were met with silence. No wonder it took such faith for humans to believe. Asking and never knowing if you shall receive was a hard thing to do.
Emma bent down and picked up a charred rock. This part of the woods was a testament to Jack’s power, how he’d protected her and didn’t retaliate against the angels who attacked him.
My impulses have always sucked. I lived a quick life as a human because I ran into a burning building after my horse.
But she couldn’t find it in her heart to regret her decision to try to save Feisty. The huge brown eyes and sweet smell of her horse friend were still more things she missed.
Emma tossed the black rock into the center of the clearing. She should be getting back. Dean was up next for his feeding. Then the scent of crystallized rain halted her, and she smiled into the sky as the tiny flakes began dancing from the clouds. It looked a bit like angel-wing glitter, and Emma stuck out her tongue to see if it would have a taste.
Her mouth stayed open as a swirling white tornado fell as gently as the snow. It could only be an angel. The smell of cleansing rain and honesty made Emma take a knee. Her prayers were being answered in a very solid way.
Emma rose when she’d recovered her wits, curious about the angel who now stood before her.
“Former Seraph Emma, greetings,” she said.
The angel was gorgeous, of course. The draping on her angel gown was elaborate and simple all at once. Emma knew wearing it was like an elegant hug.
“I’m Claudette,” the angel added, hoping Emma would make the connection.
Raising her eyebrows, Emma accepted the welcome with a nod. Jack’s Claudette? Must be. She certainly didn’t have to use the title “Seraph” to refer to Emma now that her wings were long gone. It was a sign of respect…and flattery.
“Angel Claudette, greetings.” Emma tried not to let her gaze linger on the glorious wings. Her back hurt briefly, remembering her own feathers.
Emma let the silence build between them and noticed Claudette seemed anxious. Hmm. That’s a wonder. What does she have to be worried about?
“Emma, I shouldn’t be here. Gabriel will be furious, but I couldn’t think of anyone else who could help.” Claudette’s wings fluttered as if she might take off.
Gabriel was a good seraph, but he was very rigid in what he believed was right and wrong. There was no gray area for him.
“Claudette, I’m no longer in possession of any powers that can help you, though I would gladly give advice.” Emma held out a hand.
Angels were a close-knit bunch in Heaven, quickly forming friendships. Emma took the same approach here on Earth, hoping to set Claudette at ease.
“During the battle, we had much debate amongst ourselves about the fate of Jack.” Claudette bit her lip, taking Emma’s hand.
She had regrets as well. Emma could see that much from the position of her wings.
The angel’s corkscrew curls ruffled with the gentle breeze. “I was against ending him. I love Gabriel, but Jack had changed.”
“Are you convincing me or yourself?” Emma tried to stifle the anger that suddenly flowed through her like lava. For Jack’s sake, she forced herself to continue holding hands with Claudette.
“Both of us, I guess.” Claudette met Emma’s eyes briefly, and Emma drew a breath to pronounce that she needed no convincing, when Claudette abruptly continued. “There have been developments recently. I went to confession and told God of my regrets. He became chatty and explained that Jack was in Purgatory.” Claudette now looked deeply into Emma’s eyes.
The angel was trusting a vampire. Angels never revealed what went on in confession. It just wasn’t done.
“Jack still exists? How is that even possible? I saw him leave.” Emma dropped the angel’s hand to pace with this new information.
“I wanted to go to Purgatory to find him, to find out about his condition.” Claudette began pacing with Emma, but she hovered just above the snow-speckled ground. “So I went to August and asked to see the book.”
Emma pictured the skinny, serious angel in charge of Purgatory. August always seemed disgusted with her job of keeping track of the souls there. Emma was willing to bet she was smiling now, with the former Devil in her charge. The prestige must be heady.
“She’s quite proud, as you can imagine.” Claudette seemed to feel the same dislike. “So she let me see it.” Claudette stopped her pacing and caught Emma’s hand again. “August told me Jack has to decide the state of his own soul, and he’s just not doing it. I’m sure Heaven has little appeal after we attacked him, and Hell is, well, Hell. Purgatory isn’t doing him any favors. He trusts no one. Not even God. The only thing I could think to do is bring you to him.”
Her cards were on the table now, and Claudette waited. Emma tried not to let having power over an angel overwhelm her. It felt a little like her old job. She shook her head to clear it.
Jack still exists.
He was the heartbeat of so many of her regrets.
Jack.
She already knew she would go. God wouldn’t have let
Claudette get this far if Emma wasn’t supposed to face this challenge. Emma was about to nod, giving her assent to be transported, when she heard the crackle of a leaf behind her.
Jason.
He watched as Emma whirled around, surprised. She’d been wholly involved in something, or she would’ve heard him before he was standing so close.
The snow behind Emma had an unusual pattern — almost as if an umbrella blocked the flakes.
“Are you okay? I heard you speaking.” Jason stepped closer again.
Hearing her thoughts would have come in handy once again. He saw indecision in her face.
“You can’t see her.” Emma motioned to the snowless space.
Jason shook his head. He hated how happy the pronoun “her” made him. Why he had an irrational fear it would be Jack, he wasn’t sure. Emma closed the distance and hugged him. He kissed her hair, and it smelled like Heaven again.
“Is that an angel?” Jason tried to hold Emma closer.
“Yeah, that’s Claudette. She has some good news and some bad news.” Emma looked in his face, and he was trapped by her beauty — and by the determination he saw in her eyes.
He nodded and tried to appear encouraging.
“Turns out Jack still exists! But he’s in Purgatory and needs my help.” Emma had her hands on his chest.
Jason’s jaw tightened at the Devil’s name. He’s back again. God, I just can’t be rid of him. He’s in her memories and maybe in her heart.
Jason knew he was supposed to be sympathetic. Jack did seem to have some goodness there in the end. Now he was supposed to encourage Emma and wait patiently as Jack needed her, yet again.
Instead he clutched her tighter and spoke words he was afraid were too selfish. “I don’t want you to go to him. Stay. Stay here with me.”
At that, a door shut somewhere in her head. He could almost hear it. It wasn’t just Jack. He knew she’d always be the first to rush in when someone needed help. He thought of her horse, her eagle, himself.