“I feel bad she can’t do anything.”
“She’s got friends coming over. She’ll be fine. Plus, she gets a big blowout party tomorrow.”
“True.”
The barn is quiet, eerie. They saddle up two quarter horses and lead them out. Kendall unpacks her backpack and leaves it inside the barn, loads the saddlebags with the goods, and then mounts. They head off on a path toward the woods at a brisk walk, quiet at first. It smells crisp and piney.
After a while Kendall’s mind starts running circles around her, about the desk and Nico. Trying to forget about all of that, she asks, “Remember when you were in my driveway?”
“Yeah.”
“You told me the next day that you were feeling bad about something so you were out for a walk. What was going on?”
“Oh.” Jacián seems surprised by the question. “Um . . . yeah. No big deal.”
“Come on. What?”
“Well, it’s been kind of hard moving here. I think it was the full moon or something that had me down—I’m fine.”
“You’re so tough.” She rolls her eyes.
“Yeah, maybe.”
Kendall shrugs. “Let me guess. You left your girlfriend back in Arizona, you hate the outdoors, miss the city, are forced to spend your last year of high school with a bunch of strangers and to do all kinds of crap work involving animal dung, for a grandfather you barely know. You leave your big city high school soccer team behind for a rinky-dink cowboy half team full of hicks, and then the season gets canceled because one too many players disappear without a trace. How’m I doing?”
Jacián smiles in spite of himself. “You’re pretty much batting a thousand so far.”
“And then you have no chance at a scholarship because you can’t show a scout your amazing moves.”
“True . . .”
“You make it sound like there’s more.”
“Well, there’s being accused of kidnapping upon first moving to an all-white town.”
“It’s not all white. Old Mr. Greenwood is pure Blackfeet Tribe, according to Eli. There are others of different races. Travis’s mom is Cambodian.”
“All right, whatever. That part’s over.”
“Plus, nobody thinks you did anything now. They were happy to pin the blame on Nico just as soon as he was unable to speak for himself.”
Jacián is quiet for a moment. The horses lean forward as they ascend a small hill. “I don’t think he did anything.”
“It’s weird, though, right?”
“Yeah. What do you think happened?”
Kendall thinks about the desk. About how strange Nico acted. About how she felt like she was in a trance yesterday when she sat there. About the coincidence of Nico and Tiffany both sitting at that desk, and about how Nico’s car was at school when he disappeared.
“Kendall? You okay?”
Kendall glances at him. “If I tell you something weird, will you think I’m . . . like . . . weird?”
“Probably.” He smiles to let her know he’s teasing.
“You know Tiffany Quinn, the girl who disappeared in May? Both she and Nico had the same desk.”
Jacián is quiet.
“It’s just a coincidence. I mean, who would even know that except for stupid OCD me.”
“Yeah,” Jacián says slowly. “That is a weird coincidence.” He looks at Kendall, eyebrows furrowed. Thinking. But he says nothing more.
“You think I’m weird.”
“You are weird. But that’s not a bad thing.”
They travel onward to a huge open field, cattle roaming wild. “Are these some of yours?” Kendall asks.
Jacián rides close to check the brand. “Looks that way.”
“Who gets to round them up when winter hits?”
“My parents. Me. Maybe Marlena if she’s allowed on a quad again soon.”
“Does Hector ride still?”
“Not four-wheelers. But horses? Sure. He’ll never give that up.”
“I haven’t seen him on a horse in a while. How’s his health?”
“He’s just taking it easy. Finally semiretired, now that my parents are here. He spends a lot of time with old Mr. Greenwood.”
Kendall thinks. “He said they’ve been friends since they were teenagers.”
Jacián nods. “They both got sent to the same reform school.”
“What?” Kendall pulls up on her horse. “Are you serious?”
“Totally serious. He told me the other day.”
“Around here?”
“Not far. Just a few miles away. There’s an overgrown gravel driveway if you take the viaduct all the way around north to nowhere. You’d miss it if you didn’t know it was there. When we were out searching for Nico,” he says, “we got near to the back end of the reform school’s property, which is actually a lot closer to the ranch as the crow flies but totally inaccessible. The school got shut down a long time ago. Abandoned. It’s all completely overgrown now. Grandfather didn’t want to go anywhere near it.”
“Why?”
“He said it was a bad place. He didn’t want to talk about it. Said he’d never go back again. Too many memories.”
“Poor Hector. He’s so nice.”
“Too bad none of it rubbed off on me, huh?” Jacián grins.
Kendall laughs. “That’s pretty much what I used to think about you! You know, you really pissed me off when you told me I was putting the meat in the freezer wrong. I wanted to punch you.”
“I was quite aware of that. However, you have to cut me some slack. I didn’t know about your little . . . uh . . . special gift back then. You do realize that the way you were stacking them was totally not logical, right?”
“Sure, I know that, but why the hell did you care? Are you some kind of control freak?”
“Maybe a little. Not much anymore. I gave it up.” He laughs bitterly. “It’s clear I have no control over anything these days.”
They are quiet for a while. The trail meanders in front of them, leading to a wide-open space. Jacián clucks his tongue and leans forward. His horse trots, then canters. Kendall flies after him, and they have a good chase for a quarter of an hour to where the woods grow thick.
“That was awesome,” Kendall says. Her cheeks glow. They dismount, and Kendall rummages around, finding the things she packed for lunch. “This day rocks. Thanks for making me go.”
Jacián stretches out on his back on the blanket. He plucks a long wheatlike weed and chews on it. “Yeah, I really had to twist your arm.”
Kendall plops down beside him. “Oh, stop it. Why do we always have to argue?”
“Because it’s fun?”
Kendall smacks his chest, but this time he is ready. He grabs her arm and holds it tightly to his chest, pulls her toward him. “Don’t.”
Kendall struggles one-armed to sit up, surprise on her face. “Don’t what?” She can feel his body heat through his shirt.
“I think you’re afraid to like me.” Jacián’s dark eyes slice into hers for a long moment before he speaks again. “If you want to touch me, Kendall, then touch me. Don’t hide behind those little girl slaps.”
Her eyes widen, and she stares at him as something stirs in the pit of her gut. Something incredible. And a little scary. Something she’s never felt before. But all she can say is, “What makes you think I want to touch you? I have a boyfriend. You have a girlfriend.”
“Is that the way it is?”
Kendall swallows hard. “Seems pretty clear that it is.”
Jacián holds her arm a moment longer, a flicker in his eyes and at the corner of his mouth the only indications he heard her. And then he releases her. “Whatever.” He clears his throat and gets to his feet, then pulls apples and some grain from his saddlebag for the horses.
Kendall stares at him from the blanket. Then she shakes her head and opens up her lunch, sorting her fruit salad into sections of the bowl before eating. But she tastes nothing. Her mouth is like sawdust. Because sh
e knows one thing is true, even though she hasn’t wanted to admit it.
The missing boyfriend who would do anything for her, who has been her best friend since birth? Never. Ever. Made her feel like that. Never made her gut twist just with a look, a touch. Never made her so hot she wanted to tackle him, kiss him hard. Press her body against his and roll around in a field, not even caring that little bits of grass were getting on her clothes.
“You’re not going to eat?” she says after a while, breaking the awkward silence.
“I’m not hungry.”
“I made you a lunch.”
“Thanks. But I’m still not hungry.”
Kendall glares. How can somebody be so hot one minute and so annoying the next? Whatever the case, the perfect day is ruined.
Ruined by the truth.
And the guilt builds. The guilt of Nico. She curses her own weakness. He’s only been missing a month. It’s no different from if she’d gone to Juilliard and he’d gone to Bozeman.
Except it is. It’s vastly different. Worse, because he no longer has a voice. Worse, because what would people say if she gave up on him? What would Nico’s parents say? What if he’s not dead? She imagines the looks on their faces.
And on his.
“Stop it,” she mutters. She can’t let her brain go to weird places. Nothing happened. And nothing will.
* * *
The silence grows prickly and painful as they pack up. Head home.
She starts counting horse steps anxiously as they travel back to the ranch. One hundred, five hundred. Even when she hits a thousand, she can’t stop counting. She can’t stop, she decides, until she hears a hawk cry.
After two thousand she convinces herself that if she hears either a mourning dove or a hawk she can end this. At three thousand she concludes that if she sees a grouse or even a goddamn rabbit, she can stop counting. Finally, thankfully, at 3,842 the rabbit comes through for her.
But the rabbit doesn’t fix her problem.
So the counting begins again, fresh from zero.
Her anxiety builds. She hates this. Just wants to go home.
They put the horses in the barn, and Kendall watches awkwardly as Jacián tends to them, rubbing them down, getting them water and food, putting their blankets on them. He doesn’t look at her. Eventually she just turns and leaves, walking up to the house alone. She knocks on the door and is greeted by Mrs. Obregon and a delicious smell and sizzle from the stove. Her stomach, after only the few pieces of fruit for lunch, growls loudly.
“Can you stay for dinner?” Mrs. Obregon asks, handing Kendall the phone.
“Yes,” Marlena says. “Stay!”
“I should get home.” Kendall dials her mother and prays for her to pick up. But there’s no answer. “Hey, Mom,” she says to the machine, thinking fast. “I’m back at Hector’s. Yeah. Mmm-hmm. It was good. Just pick me up . . . whenever. . . .” She trails off. “Okay. See you soon. Bye.”
Kendall hangs up the phone and smiles with a brightness she doesn’t feel. “My mom’ll be here in a minute. I’m going to wait outside. Thanks for . . . yeah. The horses. Everything.”
Kendall turns as Marlena and Mrs. Obregon watch her, puzzled looks on their faces.
As darkness falls, Kendall slips through the trees and runs.
She doesn’t see Jacián standing in the driveway, watching her go.
Doesn’t know it’s him driving by late that night when she stands in front of the upstairs window, crying for Nico to forgive her.
WE
Alone again, so long. This time We wait. This time We know for sure. That heat, that heartbeat, that life—will be back.
I need you.
TWENTY-TWO
All night Kendall dreams about the desk and Nico. She sleeps in on Sunday but wakes with a start and wonders, what if . . . wherever Nico is, he’s trying to send her a message? What if it’s not her imagination or her grief or her OCD, but it’s real?
She sits up, disoriented, bright sunshine streaming into her bedroom.
What if Nico’s really able, somehow, to connect with her? And all this time she’s been ignoring his calls for help?
By the time she hits the shower, she’s laughing it off again. “Fletcher,” she says, “get a fricking grip, will you?” As she dresses, she’s wondering if maybe she does need to see the shrink again. It’s not that she doesn’t like her doctor. She’s really been helpful through all the tough times. But it makes Kendall feel sort of like she’s backsliding. Which, just maybe, she is. “It probably wouldn’t hurt to see her once,” she mutters.
Alone in the house, Kendall nibbles at a muffin and wraps the present she bought for Marlena from the general store—a set of earrings with little topaz stones. And then, because she’s bored, she makes cookies, thinking it might be good to bring something to the party.
By two Kendall is flipping through channels on TV, watching televangelists, infomercials, and cartoons. She goes out back to see if her mother and father are coming, but she sees no one except stupid Brandon’s father, who is helping out on weekends with harvest. She heads back inside and waits some more.
She’s sure they forgot.
At two forty-five, the phone rings.
“Hello?”
“Where are you?” It’s Marlena with a pouty voice.
“I’m waiting for my douchey parents to get here so they can drive me. I think they forgot.” She hears music and laughing in the background.
“Why didn’t you call? Jacián will come get you. Jacián!” She yells into the phone. “Go pick up Kendall!”
“No, that’s okay—”
“He’s on the way. Just get here!”
Kendall hangs up and sighs. Writes a note to her parents. Grabs her coat, the gift, and the cookies and goes outside to wait on the front steps.
“Thanks,” Kendall says, getting into the truck. “Sorry.”
Jacián, clad in an apron and smelling like smoke, waves her off and speeds back toward Hector’s.
Kendall grips the armrest. “You trying to get a speeding ticket?”
Jacián shrugs. “Sheriff is at my house having margaritas and carne asada, and my poblanos are probably burning.”
“You cook, too?”
“No. I grill. I don’t know how to cook.” He flies up the driveway, parks next to a row of vehicles, and exits the truck almost before the engine quits. Runs for the smoke-filled backyard to an open fire pit with a big grate on it. He grabs a pair of tongs and starts flipping charred-looking things over.
Kendall watches him for a minute, then walks into the house and greets Marlena with a hug. Eli, Travis, and stupid Brandon are there, as well as some juniors and the group of sophomore girls that Marlena has become friends with. Everybody mingles loudly, all varieties of Latin music playing in the background. At least a quarter of Cryer’s Cross is here. Mrs. Obregon works the blender, making drinks for the adult guests, and Hector serves up sodas for the under-twenty-one crowd.
Kendall grabs a Dr Pepper and weaves through the people, observing. Lots of parents are here. Even Nico’s parents. Kendall feels guilty that she hasn’t been by to see them lately. She walks over to say hello. They look terrible.
“Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Cruz,” she says.
“Hi, Kendall, sweetheart,” Mrs. Cruz says. She gives her a long hug. “Are your parents here?”
“No, not yet. I guess they had to finish up some stuff on the farm.” Kendall can’t help but stare at the bags under Mrs. Cruz’s eyes. “How are you doing?”
She smiles and shrugs, eyes glistening. “You can imagine, I’m sure.”
Kendall nods, and they stand there, awkwardly looking around the room, nothing else to say. “It was great of you to come.”
Mr. Cruz nods. He looks grayer than ever. “We needed to get out. It was nice to be invited.” He stares off. “I think I’ll go help Mr. Obregon with . . . whatever he needs help with.”
“And I promised Carmelita I’d help with serving,
” Mrs. Cruz says. “Good seeing you, Kendall.”
Kendall smiles a tight smile and nods. “Yeah, you too.”
From behind Kendall comes a voice. “That was awkward.”
Kendall turns and sees Eli Greenwood. She sighs with relief. “Yeah . . . It’s so weird now. It’s like I don’t know what to say to them.”
“It’s the same with Tiffany’s parents.”
“Oh no. Are they here too?”
“No. They said they couldn’t make it.”
“This has to be a hard thing to attend. I’m surprised the Cruzes came. Seeing all of us here . . .”
“Yeah, it’s weird.”
They take in the crowd for a moment before Kendall’s eyes stray to the backyard. She watches Jacián at the fire pit. He’s flipping a tortilla in a small cast-iron skillet now. “So, how’s the food?”
“It’s pretty awesome. You need to get some. Here, I’ll help you.” He grins. “Get another plate for myself while I’m at it.”
They load up their plates full of food and snake their way outside to the deck, where there’s room to eat and it’s not so noisy. Hector is outside now too, sitting with Eli’s grandfather. Marlena and the group of sophomore girls stand a dozen feet away, eating, gossiping. Several of them are watching Jacián lustily, and Kendall feels a ridiculous pang of jealousy. She shoves a soft taco into her mouth and glares.
“So, your brother,” one of the girls says to Marlena. The others giggle.
“What about him?”
“He’s so broody and cute.”
“He’s got a girlfriend,” one of the others says. “Get over it.”
Marlena chews wildly and waves at her mouth as if that will make the food go away. She swallows and says, “Nope. He’s single. He broke up with his girlfriend last week.”
The girls gasp loudly enough to make Jacián look. When they break into giggles, he scowls and turns his back again.
Kendall’s jaw drops. She wonders why he didn’t mention that yesterday on the little ride that turned weird. She’s not sure how that makes her feel.
Eli rolls his eyes. “Dammit,” he says. “That guy is not making things easier around here.”