My dreams were coming true. First stop.
Paris.
How long would this last? How long before I got bored of Lolligal? I had no idea. I was just going along with all of it. Yes, of course I'd lose interest in him after a year...or six months...or two months...or two weeks. So what? Who cares??? I was only human. And as such, we need new things all the time. It's all about experience. We hunger for it. It's not healthy to eat the same foods all the time, wear the same clothes all the time, have sex with the same person all the time. Like food, they end up tasting stale.
I'd ride Lolligal for as long as he tasted good....
Then I'd dump him....
Find another flavor....
CARMEN
I made a chair out of twigs and leaves and sat on it. Just as I thought, she rolled out from behind a tree. My Heart Self. She was dressed in a red wedding dress. A nurse pushed her around on a wheelchair. I was shocked.
“What happened to you?”
My Heart Self shook her head.
“I'm dying,” she said. “You're killing me.”
“What??? How am I killing you???” I stood up and reached out to her, but she screamed and flew her hands up to protect her face. The nurse stood between us and crossed her arms. She was a big woman, this nurse. Russian. Manly. She grunted a lot. I'd be a fool to challenge her, so I sat back down. My Heart Self cried, blowing bloody snot into a red handkerchief.
“The more you think about Phil, the more you kill me,” she said. “STOP IT.”
“I can't,” I said. “I'm possessed. I'm cursed! Fran did something weird to me. I can not stop thinking about Phil. I'm even thinking about him now. I miss kissing him.”
My Heart Self went, “Aaaaaaarrrrrggghhh!” and waved her hands around as if bees were attacking her head. “Aaaaagggghhhrrr! Stop! Stop thinking about him!”
“Yes, right!” I said. “I'm sorry!” I shut my eyes and made my mind silent.
My Heart Self exhaled. Blood now covered her face. Some ran down her arms, trickled down her forehead. “I get these terrible headaches,” she said, almost jokingly. The nurse gave her a few pills and a glass of water. My Heart Self patted her hand.
“Thank you, Nurse Loofa,” she said, swallowing the pills. My Heart Self gave me a stern look. “There's no curse on you,” she said. “You're just weak. You have to control yourself. Beer won't help. Baby Brains won't help. You have to master your thoughts. Kick him out of your mind.”
“I don't know if I can do that,” I said. “I miss him too much.” And then I looked out into those woods and saw them. I saw Phil and Fran naked...kissing against a tree. I stood up and pointed at them. “You fiends!”
My Heart Self screamed again.
Lightning ripped the clouds apart and a sword fell from the sky. The nurse stood in front of the wheelchair, and the sword struck her chest. My Heart Self screamed, and the nurse fell back into her arms. The nurse tried to talk, but blood kept flying out.
“My job is...done.” The nurse rolled her eyes back white, and she died. My Heart Self hugged her and cried all over the dead body, rocking it back and forth. I looked around. Fran and Phil vanished!
“I saw them,” I said. “I swear it....”
My Heart Self wasn't listening to me. She was saying something sweet into her dying nurse's ear. I wanted to help – wanted to do something and not just sit there. My Heart Self looked up.
“You evil bitch,” she whispered. “You weak, evil, pathetic bitch....There's no one there. You're seeing things. You are so gone. There's no going back for you; I see that now. I knew I should've went into another body. I always had this gut feeling that you were trouble.”
I wanted to say again that I really did see Fran and Phil, that I wasn't crazy, that I believed my own eyes. They looked so real. And then I heard Fran and Phil moaning....I turned around, and saw them making love in a bed of flowers. They laughed at me. I picked up a spear and threw it at them.
“I'll kill you!” I yelled. “I'll kill youuu!!!”
But they were gone again. Ran off somewhere. I started spinning around and around. “You cowards! Show yourself!” When I stopped, I fell on my knees and punched the dirt. I looked up. My Heart Self and that nurse where gone. Only that wheelchair remained. A heart sat on it in a pool of blood...centipedes crawling in and out of that beating muscle. I walked around and turned as many sticks as I could into spears. I said bye to my forest friends – the deer, the mongooses, owls, wallabies, goats, cats, dogs, rats, geckos, spiders, etc. It never occurred to me to make a grass dress, or even grass undergarments. No need for clothing. I was an animal. I was one of nature's pure beings. 100% animal. No more reasoning. I was running on pure emotion. Pure revenge. Besides, I liked how it felt when wet leaves brushed against my breasts and other sensitive areas. Ah! The simple pleasures....
I started running.
Deep in the forest, I could smell their sex. I looked through a bush. Phil and Fran were bumping into each other in a stream. Agitated fish jumped in and out of the water. I ran up to Phil and Fran and threw spears at them. They just laughed and ran away. Even after I flew a spear straight through Fran's shoulder, she giggled, “Tee-hee! Can't catch me! Can't catch me! Hahaha!”
I ran after them.
Lost.
It felt like I was on the move for hours. My feet hurt. I was stepping on thorns, but I didn't let that slow me down. Nope; that would've made sense. I was stupid with anger. I started mumbling, “Why, God, why??? Please help me. What do I do now? How do I find them?”
I got my miracle.
I heard a strange buzzing sound and turned around. One of the stars in the sky got real bright. It moved around a bit, and then it flew over the trees. I followed it all through the woods.
The UFO hovered over a clearing...and landed next to a car. Aliens, carrying an old man, walked out and put him into a car.
“Carmen!”
I turned around and looked up.
Fran and Phil were making love in a tree. I climbed up real quick and beat them with my spear – whipped them as they laughed, leaving red bruises all over them. Fran jumped onto Phil's back. He cut a vine and they swung away into the dark...trailing giggles.
FRAN
I believed that God was looking out for me. Look at the proof. He gave me a rich man. Would I gain free access to Heaven, too? The things I had done, I never thought God would approve. And yet, I saw no evidence that he was angry with me anymore. Forgiveness! I was doing something right. I wasn't sure what, but a part of me feared messing up. How long would all this good fortune last?
I could hear the other nuns outside the office, their ears glued to the door.
“I sometimes hear them making love,” one whispered. “So sinful; so bad.”
They were all jealous.
I signed the rest of the papers I was working on, filed them, and made a cup of coffee. Lolligal would be back in a little bit. I had a plan: I'd make love to him and moan as loud as I could – really embarrass those nuns, make them wish they were me...make them envy me, fill my ego. Sad thing was, Lolligal's sex was already getting dim. I had to spice things up a bit. I figured it would be a fine idea to invite a nun to come play with us. Didn't matter if Lolligal agreed or not. He did what I wanted. I was in charge, and I wanted a new player. So that's what I did. I went outside and walked around the church, looking for a nun that seemed “easy”. And I found her sitting on a bench, under a mango tree, eating the messy fruit like a slob.
As I walked toward her – my mind filling with crude images of very bad things – a strong wind blew through my nun outfit.
I stopped.
I couldn't move.
Something in me resisted.
A terrible fear filled me up. I backed away from that girl. She didn't even notice me, and that was the idea. Whatever took hold of me didn't want me messing with the girl – didn't want my aura near her, corrupting her chastity, sullying her innocence, tainting her purity. I felt guilt
then. Terrible guilt. I cried in my hands and ran off into the church. Three nuns hugged me, asking if I was alright, telling me to relax, to stop weeping because I was disturbing people, trying to get me to drink red wine and eat tiny circles of bread they claimed was made from the flesh of Jesus. Someone screamed. I turned around and saw Phil standing in the doorway, holding the head of a dead man in one hand, a butcher's knife in the other. He threw the head at me; I caught it for some reason and yelped and gave it to the nuns. The screamed and ran off with it, throwing the head back and forth like a football.
Phil kicked the man's body away. Everyone in the church scattered like cockroaches. I stepped back.
“Stay away from me!” I wanted to run, but I kept thinking if I turned around, he'd throw that knife at my back. Better I have him in my sights. Keep him where I can see him. Keep my eyes open for some kind of opening.
Phil's eyes look wild. Blood was all up in them.
“You damn snake,” he said. “Damn snakes!” He started slapping at his body. “Get them off me! Damn snakes! Uuuuuuh!”
He ran at me, waving his knife around. I bolted. The knife sliced through my shoulder. I fell to the ground with Phil all over me, his spit dripping all over my mouth.
A door exploded, and a nun walked out with a bazooka.
“Be gone from this holy place!” she demanded, and fired another shot.
Phil and I rolled out of the way. The seats behind us blew up. It was raining splinters. The nun walked through the smoke, searching. Phil jumped up behind her and hacked her head off in five tries. I was already out the door. He kept screaming, “DAMN SNAKES!!! UUUUUH!”
The parking lot was a crazy mess. Everyone was screaming and trying to drive away, crashing into each other. Little fires were everywhere. Babies were yelling. I jumped into my car. A truck hit me, honking over and over.
“Get out of my way!” the driver begged. “Please! I don't want to die!”
Phil jumped on the hood of my car and cut through the windshield, shattering it. I reversed, throwing him off. I hit another car, and that Japanese woman at the wheel started shrieking at me. She ran out of her car and opened my door and dragged me out by my hair and started kicking me. I couldn't do anything but turn into a ball to protect my face. Phil cut her head off, and she spun around as gore shot out from her neck, panicky people bumping into her, shoving her around like one of those balls on a Foosball table.
I got up and ran the hell out of there.
Phil was at my feet.
“You better run, you blasted snake!” he screamed. “I'll kill you!”
I had finally done it. See? I was right. I knew it wouldn't last forever.
Phil was shrieking.
“Snakes! Snakes! Damn snakes! You giant snake!”
I made for the woods.
Maybe I could lose him there.
Chased after by a madman, my life was messed up real good. No one to blame but myself. I felt it all at once: It was almost over. It was almost the end.
LOLLIGAL
That was going to be my last job.
The UFO landed. We walked out and took off our alien masks. Before I'd run away with Fran, I wanted to give my fellow coworkers some money. Brighten their day. Help them out. My way of saying bye. I got us all in a circle and showed them a big bag of money – all that we made that week. I gave Tony some bills, and he rejected them.
“I can't!” he said. “What if they find out? They'll crucify me!”
“They'll never know,” I said. “It's impossible. See, I'm the one keeping the books. Trust me.” I shoved the money into his hands. “You need this, Tony. For your daughter...for her medical bills. Please, take this money as my thanks for all the hard work you've done for me.”
He smiled, and took the money.
I gave Jess money to help with her gambling problems. I gave Sara money to help with her breast surgery. I gave Zowi money to help her build that surfing school for Japanese tourists she was always going on about. Everyone cried in happiness, hugging their money, smelling their money. We made a bonfire and danced around it, laughing and telling jokes. It was a grand time. In the end, I shook their hands.
“Time for me to go,” I said. “Wish me well, folks. Time to run away with my lady and live life to the fullest!”
They all cheered.
“Hip hip, hurray!” And they picked me up and tossed me around while I giggled.
Headlights blinded us. The van arrived. A sense of fear – uncertainty – hit all of us. The Gangster Pope was here to collect.
The door slid open, and those beefy goons dressed as priests stepped out. They wore shades even though it was nighttime, and stood around, looking here and there. One of them reached into the van, took the Gangster Pope by the hand, and helped him out. A breeze kicked up, and the Gangster Pope shot his hand up and held down his tall, white hat.
“Have you got His Majesty’s money?” he smiled.
“I do,” I said.
“Good! The Master shall be pleased. Have you ever met your boss?”
“You never introduced.”
He mumbled something sly to his buffoons; they all laughed. I frowned. I wanted out of there. Come on, old man. Hurry on with it. Take your money and get!
The Pope looked at me – tilted his head, gave a weird, creepy expression, like he was looking at a cute kitten.
“He's told me many things about you,” he said. “Been talking a lot about you.”
“Me??? Why?”
“He takes interest in his employees every now and then. He wanted me to tell you that he thinks you're special. Great things are in your future.”
“Like what? A promotion?”
The Pope smiled.
“You could say that.”
“Tell him I say thanks, but I'm not interested. I'm done. I quit.”
The Pope shook his head.
“You make me sad.”
I handed him the money bag. He opened it and stuck his head inside, sniffing. He jumped back, as if something stink attacked him. His goons ran up. “Boss! Boss!” they said. “What's wrong?”
The Gangster Pope looked in the bag.
“Hmmm....” he went, raising an eyebrow.
I started to worry.
“I trust you'll find it's all there,” I said. “Now, if you'll excuse us, we should be heading off to our families and lovers.”
“Of course!” The Pope nodded and stepped to the side. “By all means.”
My coworkers and I huddled together and walked past the Pope and his bodyguard priests.
“Oh! And one last thing,” the Gangster Pope said. “Quitters never win.”
I don't know what got into me, but I blurted out, “RUN!” and everyone screamed and took off. The priests pulled out their guns and started shooting at us, sending people twisting to the grass. It all happened in slow motion. Tony got shot in the skull and his head blew up. I didn't even know that was possible. A bullet tore through my leg like a tiny sun and sent me flying through the air and hitting the ground in a wrong way, cracking my spine. I tried crawling away, but bodies kept falling in front of me.
Some of my coworkers made it back into the UFO and started it up, hovering above me, making everything all windy. The Pope laughed out loud and said, “Rocket launcher!” Except he said it like, “Rowket lawn-cha!”
A nun in white walked out of the van, carrying a rocket launcher. She had a cigar in her mouth. She grunted, put the launcher on her shoulder, and fired a rocket. I think I screeched, “Noooooo!” but I don't remember. The UFO exploded into a fireball and crashed into the woods. Deer and owls and rabbits rushed out, screaming, bewildered. It was raining money. The Pope and his goons walked around, picking it all up, even searching my dead friends, taking whatever was in their wallets and purses.
His goons got out axes and chopped up the bodies and threw the parts in coolers. The Gangster Pope ordered them to hurry up before the cops arrived. I was close enough to see the thugs write on the
coolers, “To: Hell....From: Devil Pope”. They fired flaming arrows and burned down the church as that Gangster Pope laughed and clapped his hands and cheered. He stood over me and pulled out a gun that looked like a prop from some old western movie.
“No one steals from Satan and gets away with it.”
I didn't understand it.
“How did you find out???”
“We have our ways.”
A gust of wind blew his white hat away...revealing a set of horns. They were curled. I shut my eyes.
“I didn't see that!”
The Pope grinned and cocked his gun.
“Oh, I know.”
BAM!
….and then I died....
And it was painful at first, what with being shot in the head and all...but then it got real quiet. I was falling. Peaceful. Then darkness. I heard screaming. I smelt various meats. Fires. Cooking. I saw bodies in giant pots – arms waved around – more screaming sounds, shrieking. After a little while, I thought, This must be Hell. Why am I not surprised?
I landed, gently, on blood, in front of a demon sitting at a desk. It was covered with piles of papers...and blood. Coolers were all over the place. The secretary looked up at me, angered.
“You're late!”
I shrugged.
“I'm sorry.”
The secretary threw me a rag.
“You have a hole in your head. Clean yourself up. You can't see the boss looking like that. You must show respect!”
I said, “Sorry,” again and cleaned myself up. I stuck my finger into that bullet hole in my forehead and pulled out a bit of brain. I found it all very fascinating. The secretary took my hand and walked me toward a giant, stone gate. A sign on it read, “BOSS”. Blood dripped from the letters.
“I can't believe it,” I said. “It's real. It's all real.”
The secretary frowned at me.
“Are you stupid or sumtin'? 'Course it's all real. Don't you read??? Idjiot. Next you'll be telling me Heaven isn't real.”
“It is???”
The secretary sighed.
“Not that it matters to you now – but yes,” the demon said. She knocked on the giant gate, put her hands to her mouth, and yelled out, “Boss! Lolligal is here to see you!”
Demons stood over the gate and played trumpets as the doors opened. The secretary leaned close to me and said, “Here's a tip: Just be honest with him. He hates liars.”