XXI.
IN THE LABORATORY.
"But Emma, with a careful remembrance of what was due to my betternature, stopped to pick up the letter I had left lying under a stone,and joining me, placed it in my hand, by which it was soon crumpled up,torn, and scattered to the wind. As the last bits blew by us, we bothsighed and the next minute walked rapidly towards home.
"You will say that all this was experience enough for one day, but fatesometimes crowds us with emotions and eventful moments. As we enteredthe house, I saw auntie waiting for us at the top of the first stairs;and when she beckoned to Emma only, I was glad--if I could be glad ofanything--that I was to be left for a few minutes to myself. Turningtowards a little crooked staircase which leads to that part of the housecontaining my own room and my father's laboratory, I went wearily up,feeling as if each step I took dragged a whole weight of woe behind it.
"I was going to my own room, but as I passed the open laboratory door,I perceived that the place was empty, and the fancy took me, I know notwhy, to go in. I had never liked the room, it was so unnaturally long,so unnaturally dismal, and so connected with the pursuits I had come todetest. Now it had an added horror for me. Here Dr. Sellick had beenaccustomed to come, and here was the very chair in which he had sat, andthe table at which he had worked. Why, then, with all this old and newshrinking upon me did I persistently cross the threshold and darken myalready clouded spirit with the torturing suggestions I found there? Ido not know. Perhaps my evil spirit lured me on; perhaps--I am beginningto believe in a Providence now--God had some good purpose in leading meto fresh revelations, though up to this time they have seemed to causeme nothing but agony and shame.
"No one was in the room, I say, and I went straight to its middlewindow. Here my father's desk stood, for he used the room for nearlyevery purpose of his life. I did not observe the desk; I did not observeanything till I turned to leave; then I caught sight of a letter lyingon the desk, and stopped as if I had been clutched by an iron hand, forit was an open letter, and the signature at the bottom of the sheet wasthat of Edgar Sellick.
"'Can I never escape from that man?' thought I, and turned passionatelyaway. But next minute I found myself bending over it, devouring it firstwith my eyes, and then taking it to my heart, for it was an expressionof love for the daughter of the man to whom it was addressed, and thatman was my father.
"This language as I now know referred to Emma, and she was under noerror in regard to it, nor was my father nor my aunt. But I thought itreferred to me, and as I read on and came upon the sentence in which heasked, as I supposed, for my hand and the privilege of offering himselfto me at the coming ball, I experienced such a revulsion of feeling thatI lost all memory of the words I had overheard him speak, or attributedthem to some misunderstanding on my part, which a word or look from himcould easily explain.
"Life bloomed for me again, and I was happy, madly happy for a few shortmoments. Even the horrible old room I was in seemed cheerful, and I wasjust acknowledging to myself that I should have made a great mistake ifI had carried out my wicked impulse toward self-destruction, when myfather came in. He shrank back when he saw me; but I thought nothing ofthat; I did not even wonder why Emma was closeted with aunt. I onlythought of the coming ball, and the necessity of preparing myself for itright royally.
"I had come from the desk, and was crossing the floor to go out. Myhappiness made me turn.
"'Father,' said I, taking what I thought to be an arch advantage of thesituation; 'may I not have a new dress for the ball?'
"He paused, cast a glance at his desk, and then another at me. He hadbeen, though I did not know it, in conversation with Emma and my aunt,and was more alive to the matters of the hour than usual. It wastherefore with some display of severity that he confronted me and said:
"'You are not going to the ball, Hermione.'
"Struck as by a blow, the more severely that it was wholly unexpected, Igasped:
"'Not going to the ball when you know what depends upon it? Do you notlike Dr. Sellick, father?'
"He mumbled something between his lips, and advancing to the desk, tookup the letter which he thus knew I had read, and ostentatiously foldedit.
"'I like Dr. Sellick well enough,' was his reply, 'but I do not approveof balls, and desire you to keep away from them.'
"'But you said we might go,' I persisted, suspecting nothing, seeingnothing in this but a parent's unreasonable and arbitrary display ofpower. 'Why have you changed your mind? Is it because Dr. Sellick hasfixed upon that time for making me the offer of his hand?'
"'Perhaps,' his dry lips said.
"Angry as I had never been in all my life, I tried to speak, and couldnot. Had I escaped suicide to have my hopes flung in this wanton wayagain to the ground, and for no reason that I or any one else couldsee?'
"'But you acknowledge,' I managed at last to stammer, 'that you likehim.'
"'That is not saying I want him for a son-in-law.'
"'Whom do you want?' I cried. 'Is there any one else in town superior tohim in wit or breeding? If he loves me----'
"My father's lip curled.
"'He says he does,' I flashed out fiercely.
"'You should not have read my letters,' was all my father replied.
"I was baffled, exasperated, at my wits' end; all the more that I sawhis eye roaming impatiently towards the pneumatic trough where somehydrogen gas was collecting for use.
"'Father, father,' I cried, 'be frank to me. What are your objections toDr. Sellick? He is your friend; he works with you; he is promising inhis profession; he has every qualification but that of wealth----'
"'That is enough,' broke in my father.
"I looked at him in dismay and shrank back. How could I know he washonestly trying to save me from a grief and shame they all thought meunequal to meeting. I saw nothing but his cold smile, heard nothing buthis harsh words.
"'You are cruel; you are heartless,' burst from me in a rage. 'You neverhave shown the least signs of a mercenary spirit before, and now youmake Dr. Sellick's lack of money an excuse for breaking my heart.'
"'Hermione,' my father slowly rejoined, 'you have a frightful temper.You had better keep down the exhibitions of it when you are in thisroom.'
"'This room!' I repeated, almost beside myself. 'This grave rather ofevery gentle feeling and tender thought which a father should havetowards a most unfortunate child. If you loved me but half as well asyou love these old jars----'
"But here his face, usually mild in its abstraction, turned so pale andhard that I was frightened at what I had said.
"'Hermione,' he cried, 'there is no use trying to show you anyconsideration. Know the truth then; know that----'
"Why did he not go on? Why was he not allowed to tell me what I may havebeen but little fitted to hear, but which if I had heard it at that timewould have saved me from many grave and fatal mistakes. I think he wouldhave spoken; I think he meant to tell me that Dr. Sellick's offer wasfor Emma, and not for me, but Emma herself appeared just then at thedoor, and though I did not detect the gesture she made, I gather that itwas one of entreaty from the way he paused and bit his lip.
"'It is useless to talk,' he exclaimed. 'I have said that you are tostay home from the ball. I also say that you are not to accept or refuseDr. Sellick's addresses. I will answer his letter, and it will not beone of acceptance.'
"Why did I not yield to his will and say nothing? When I saw howeverything was against me, why did I not succumb to circumstances, andcease to maintain a struggle I knew then to be useless? Because it wasnot in my nature to do so; because Providence had given me anindomitable will which had never been roused into its utmost action tillnow. Drawing myself up till I felt that I was taller than he, I advancedwith all the fury of suppressed rage, and quietly said the fatal wordswhich, once uttered, I never knew how to recall:
"'If you play the tyrant, I will not play the part of submissive slave.Keep me here if you will; restrain me from going where my fancy and my
desires lead, and I will obey you. But, father, if you do this, if youdo not allow me to go to the ball, meet Dr. Sellick, and accept hisoffer, then mark me, I will never go out of this house again. Where youkeep me I will stay till I am carried out a corpse, and no one andnothing shall ever make me change my mind.'
"He stared, laughed, then walked away to his pneumatic trough. 'Suityourself about that,' said he, 'I have nothing to do with your whims.'Probably he thought I was raving and would forget my words before theday was out.
"But there was another person present who knew me better, and I onlyrealized what I had done when I beheld Emma's slight body lyinginsensible at my feet."