CHAPTER XVII.
OBEYING ORDERS.
As I shared Mrs. Sandford's room, of course I had very scantopportunities of being by myself. In the delightful early mornings Iwas accustomed to take my book, therefore, and go down where I hadgone the first morning, to the rocks by the river's side. Nobody cameby that way at so early an hour; I had been seen by nobody except thatone time, when Thorold and his companion passed me; and I felt quitesafe. It was pleasanter down there than can be told. However sultrythe air on the heights above, so near the water there was always asavour of freshness; or else I fancied it, in the hearing of the softliquid murmur of the little wavelets against the shore. But sometimesit was so still I could hear nothing of that; then birds and insects,or the faint notes of a bugle call, were the only things to break theabsolute hush; and the light was my refreshment, on river and tree androck and hill; one day sharp and clear, another day fairylandlike anddreamy through golden mist.
It was a good retiring place in any case, so early in the day. I couldread and pray there better than in a room, I thought. The next morningafter my second dancing party, I was there as usual. It was a sultry Julymorning, the yellow light in the haze on the hills threatening a very hotday. I was very happy, as usual; but somehow my thoughts went roaming offinto the yellow haze, as if the landscape had been my life, and I weretrying to pick out points of light here and there, and sporting on thegay surface. I danced my dances over again in the flow of the river;heard soft words of kindness or admiration in the song of the birds;wandered away in mazes of speculative fancy among the thickets of treestems and underbrush. The sweet wonderful note of a wood-thrush,somewhere far out of sight, assured me, what everything conspired toassure me, that I was certainly in fairyland, not on the common earth.But I could not get on with my Bible at all. Again and again I began toread; then a bird or a bough or a ripple would catch my attention, andstraightway I was off on a flight of fancy or memory, dancing over againmy dances with Mr. Thorold, dwelling upon the impression of his figureand dress, and the fascination of his brilliant, changing hazel eyes; orrecalling Captain Vaux's or somebody else's insipid words and looks, orFaustina St. Clair's manner of ill-will; or on the other hand giving apassing thought to the question how I should dress the next hop night.After a long wandering, I would come back and begin at my Bible again,but only for a little; my fancy could not be held to it; and a fewscarcely read verses and a few half-uttered petitions were all I hadaccomplished before the clangour of the hotel gong, sounding down even tome, warned me that my time was gone. And the note of the wood-thrush, asI slowly mounted the path, struck reproachfully and rebukingly upon theear of my conscience.
How had this come about? I mused as I went up the hill. What was thematter? What had bewitched me? No pleasure in my Bible; no time forprayer; and only the motion of feet moving to music, only the flutterof lace and muslin, and the flashing of hazel eyes, filling my brain.What was wrong? Nay, something. And why had Mrs. Sandford "feared" Iwould not go to the hops? Were they not places for Christians to goto? What earthly harm? Only pleasure. But what if pleasure that marredbetter pleasure--that interrupted duty? And why was I ruminating onstyles and colours, and proposing to put on another dress that shouldbe more becoming the next time? and thinking that it would be well itshould be a contrast to Faustina St. Clair? What! entering the listswith her, on her own field? No, no; I could not think of it. But whatthen? And what was this little flutter at my heart about gentlemen'swords and looks of homage and liking? What could it be to me, thatsuch people as Captain Vaux or Captain Lascelles liked me? CaptainLascelles, who when he was not dancing or flirting was pleased to curlhimself up on one of the window seats like a monkey, and take agrinning survey of what went on. Was I flattered by such admiration ashis?--or _any_ admiration? I liked to have Mr. Thorold like me; yes, Iwas not wrong to be pleased with that; besides, that was _liking_; notempty compliments. But for my lace and my India muslin and my"Southern elegance"--I knew Colonel Walrus meant me when he talkedabout that--was I thinking of admiration for such things as these, andthinking so much that my Bible reading had lost its charm? What was infault? Not the hops? They were too pleasant. It could not be the hops.
I mounted the hill slowly and in a great maze, getting more and moretroubled. I entering the lists with Faustina St. Clair, going in herways? I knew these were her ways. I had heard scraps enough ofconversation among the girls about these things, which I then did notunderstand. And another word came therewith into my mind, powerfulonce before, and powerful now to disentangle the false from the true."The world knoweth us not." Did it not know me, last night? Would itnot, if I went there again? But the hops were so pleasant!
It almost excites a smile in me now to think how pleasant they were. Iwas only sixteen. I had seen no dancing parties other than the littleschool assemblages at Mme. Ricard's; and I was fond of the amusementeven there. Here, it seemed to me, then, as if all prettiness andpleasantness that could come together in such a gathering met in thedancing room of the cadets. I think not very differently now, as tothat point. The pretty accompaniments of uniform; the simple style andhours; the hearty enjoyment of the occasion; were all a little unlikewhat is found at other places. And to me, and to increase mydifficulty, came a crowning pleasure; I met Thorold there. To have agood dance and talk with him was worth certainly all the rest. Must Igive it up?
I could not bear to think so, but the difficulty helped to prick myconscience. There had been only two hops, and I was so enthralledalready. How would it be if I had been to a dozen; and where might itend? And the word stands,--"The world knoweth us _not_."
It must not know me, Daisy Randolph, as in any sort belonging to it ormixed up with it; and therefore--Daisy Randolph must go to the hop nomore. I felt the certainty of the decision growing over me, even whileI was appalled by it. I staved off consideration all that day.
In the afternoon Mr. Thorold came and took me to see the laboratory,and explained for me a number of curious things. I should have hadgreat enjoyment, if Preston had not taken it into his head, unasked,to go along; being unluckily with me when Thorold came. He was athorough marplot; saying nothing of consequence himself, and onlykeeping a grim watch--I could take it as nothing else--of everythingwe said and did. Consequently, Mr. Thorold's lecture was very properand grave, instead of being full of fun and amusement, as well asinstruction. I took Preston to task about it when we got home.
"You hinder pleasure when you go in that mood," I told him.
"What mood?"
"You know. You never are pleasant when Mr. Thorold is present or whenhe is mentioned."
"He is a cowardly Yankee!" was Preston's rejoinder.
"_Cowardly_, Gary?"--said somebody near; and I saw a cadet whom I didnot know, who came from behind us and passed by on the piazza. He didnot look at us, and stayed not for any more words; but turning toPreston, I was surprised to see his face violently flushed.
"Who was that?"
"No matter--impertinence!" he muttered.
"But what _is_ the matter? and what did he mean?"
"He is one of Thorold's set," said Preston; "and I tell you Daisy, youshall not have anything to do with them. Aunt Felicia would neverallow it. She would not look at them herself. You shall not haveanything more to do with them."
How could I, if I was going no more to the hops? How could I seeThorold, or anybody? The thought struck to my heart, and I made noanswer. Company, however, kept me from considering the matter all theevening.
But the next day, early, I was in my usual place: near the river side,among the rocks, with my Bible; and I resolved to settle the questionthere as it ought to be settled. I was resolved; but to do what I hadresolved was difficult. For I wanted to go to the hop that eveningvery much. Visions of it floated before me; snatches of music andgleams of light; figures moving in harmony; words and looks; and--myown white little person. All these made a kind of quaint mosaic withflashes of light on the river, and broad warm bands of sunshine on thehil
ls, and the foliage of trees and bushes, and the grey lichenedrocks at my foot. It was confusing; but I turned over the leaves of myBible to see if I could find some undoubted direction as to what Iought to do, or perhaps rather some clear permission for what I wishedto do. I could not remember that the Bible said anything aboutdancing, _pro_ or _con_; dancing, I thought, could not be wrong; butthis confusion in my mind was not right. I fluttered over my leaves agood while with no help; then I thought I might as well take a chaptersomewhere and study it through. The whole chapter, it was the third ofColossians, did not seem to me to go favourably for my pleasure; butthe seventeenth verse brought me to a point,--"Whatsoever ye do inword or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus."
There was no loophole here for excuses or getting off, "_Whatsoever yedo._" Did I wish it otherwise? No, I did not. I was content with theterms of service; but now about dancing, or rather, the dancing party?"In the name of the Lord Jesus." Could I go there in that name? as theservant of my Master, busy about His work, or taking pleasure that Hehad given me to take? That was the question. And all my visions ofgay words and gay scenes, all the flutter of pleased vanity and thehope of it, rose up and answered me. By that thought of the prettydress I would wear, I knew I should not wear it "in the name of theLord Jesus;" for my thought was of honour to myself, not to Him. Bythe fear which darted into my head, that Mr. Thorold might dance withFaustina if I were not there, I knew I should not go "in the name ofthe Lord," if I went; but to gratify my own selfish pride andemulation. By the confusion which had reigned in my brain these twodays, by the tastelessness of my Bible, by the unaptness for prayer, Iknew I could not go in the name of my Lord, for it would be to unfitmyself for His work.
The matter was settled in one way; but the pain of it took longer to cometo an end. It is sorrowful to me to remember now how hard it was to getover. My vanity I was heartily ashamed of, and bade that show its head nomore; my emulation of Faustina St. Clair gave me some horror; but thepleasure--the real honest pleasure, of the scene, and the music and theexcitement and the dancing and the seeing people--all that I did not letgo for ever without a hard time of sorrow and some tears. It was not a_struggle_, for I gave that up at once; only I had to fight pain. It wasone of the hardest things I ever did in my life. And the worst of all andthe most incurable was, I should miss seeing Mr. Thorold. One or two morewalks, possibly, I might have with him; but those long, short evenings ofseeing and talking and dancing!
Mrs. Sandford argued, coaxed, and rallied me; and then said, if Iwould not go, she should not; and she did not. That evening we spentat home together, and alone; for everybody else had drifted over tothe hop. I suppose Mrs. Sandford found it dull; for the next hop nightshe changed her mind and left me. I had rather a sorrowful evening.Dr. Sandford had not come back from the mountains; indeed, I did notwish for him; and Thorold had not been near us for several days. Myfairyland was getting disenchanted a little bit. But I was quite sureI had done right.
The next morning, I had hardly been three minutes on my rock by theriver, when Mr. Thorold came round the turn of the walk and took aseat beside me.
"How do you do?" said he, stretching out his hand. I put mine in it.
"What has become of my friend, this seven years?"
"I am here--" I said.
"I see you. But why have I _not_ seen you, all this while?"
"I suppose you have been busy," I answered.
"Busy! Of course I have, or I should have been here asking questions.I was not too busy to dance with you: and I was promised--how manydances? Where have you been?"
"I have been at home."
"Why?"
Would Mr. Thorold understand me? Mrs. Sandford did not. My own mothernever did. I hesitated, and he repeated his question, and those hazeleyes were sparkling all sorts of queries around me.
"I have given up going to the hops," I said.
"Given up? Do you mean, you _don't_ mean, that you are never comingany more?"
"I am not coming any more."
"Don't you sometimes change your decisions?"
"I suppose I do," I answered; "but not this one."
"I am in a great puzzle," he said. "And very sorry. Aren't you goingto be so good as to give me some clue to this mystery? Did you findthe hops so dull?"
And he looked very serious indeed.
"Oh no!" I said. "I liked them very much--I enjoyed them very much. Iam sorry to stay away."
"Then you will not stay away very long."
"Yes--I shall."
"Why?" he asked again, with a little sort of imperative curiositywhich was somehow very pleasant to me.
"I do not think it is right for me to go," I said. Then, seeing graveastonishment and great mystification in his face, I added, "I am aChristian, Mr. Thorold."
"A Christian!" he cried, with flashes of light and shadow crossing hisbrow. "Is _that_ it?"
"That is it," I assented.
"But my dear Miss Randolph--you know we are friends?"
"Yes," I said, smiling, and glad that he had not forgotten it.
"Then we may talk about what we like. Christians go to hops."
I looked at him without answering.
"Don't you know they do?"
"I suppose they may--" I answered, slowly.
"But they _do_. There was our former colonel's wife--Mrs. Holt; shewas a regular church-goer, and a member of the church; she was alwaysat the hop, and her sister; they are both church members. Mrs.Lambkin, General Lambkin's wife, she is another. Major Banks'sisters--those pretty girls--they are always there; and it is the samewith visitors. Everybody comes; their being Christians does not makeany difference."
"Captain Thorold," said I--"I mean Mr. Thorold, don't you obey yourorders?"
"Yes--general," he said. And he laughed.
"So must I."
"You are not a soldier."
"Yes--I am."
"Have you got orders not to come to our hop?"
"I think I have. You will not understand me, but this is what I mean,Mr. Thorold. I _am_ a soldier, of another sort from you; and I haveorders not to go anywhere that my Captain does not send me, or where Icannot be serving Him."
"I wish you would show those orders to me."
I gave him the open page which I had been studying, that same chapterof Colossians, and pointed out the words. He looked at them, andturned over the page, and turned it back.
"I don't see the orders," he said.
I was silent. I had not expected he would.
"And I was going to say, I never saw any Christians that weresoldiers; but I have, one. And so you are another?" And he bent uponme a look so curiously considering, tender, and wondering, at once,that I could not help smiling.
"A soldier!" said he, again. "You? Have you ever been under fire?"
I smiled again, and then, I don't know what it was. I cannot tellwhat, in the question and in the look, touched some weak spot. Thequestion called up such sharp answers; the look spoke so muchsympathy. It was very odd for me to do, but I was taken unawares; myeyes fell and filled, and before I could help it were more than full.I do not know, to this day, how I came to cry before Thorold. It wasvery soon over, my weakness, whatever it was. It seemed to touch himamazingly. He got hold of my hand, put it to his lips, and kissed itover and over, outside and inside.
"I can see it all in your face," he said, tenderly: "the strength andthe truth to do anything, and bear--whatever is necessary. But I amnot so good as you. I cannot bear anything unless it _is_ necessary;and this isn't."
"Oh no, nor I!" I said; "but this is necessary, Mr. Thorold."
"Prove it--come."
"You do not see the orders," I said; "but there they are. 'Do all inthe name of the Lord Jesus.' I cannot go to that place 'in His name.'"
"I do not think I understand what you mean," he said, gently. "Asoldier, the best that ever lived, is his own man when he is off duty.We go to the hop to play--not to work."
"Ah, but a soldier of Christ is nev
er 'off duty,'" I said. "See, Mr.Thorold--_'whatsoever_ ye do'--'whether ye eat or drink, or whatsoeverye do.' That covers all; don't you see?"
"That would make it a very heavy thing to be a Christian," he said;"there would be no liberty at all."
"Oh, but it is all liberty!" I said,--"When you love Jesus."
He looked at me so inquiringly, so inquisitively, that I went on.
"You do not think it hard to do things for anybody you love?"
"No," said he. "I would like to do things for you."
I remember I smiled at that, for it seemed to me very pleasant to hearhim say it; but I went on.
"Then you understand it, Mr. Thorold."
"No," said he, "I do not understand it; for there is this difficulty.I do not see what in the world such an innocent amusement as that weare talking of can have to do with Christian duty, one way or another.Every Christian woman that I know comes to it,--that is young enough;and some that aren't."
It was very hard to explain.
"Suppose they disobey orders," I said slowly;--"that would be anotherreason why I should obey them."
"Of course. But do they?"
"I should," I said. "I am not serving Christ when I am there. I am notdoing the work He has given me to do. I cannot go."
"I came down here on purpose to persuade you," he said.
It was not necessary to answer that, otherwise than by a look.
"And you are unpersuadable," he said; "unmanageable, of course, by me;strong as a giant, and gentle as a snowflake. But the snowflake melts;and you--you will go up to the hotel as good a crystal as when youcame down."
This made me laugh, and we had a good laugh together, holding eachother's hand.
"Do you know," said he, "I must go? There is a roll of a summons thatreaches my ear, and I must be at the top of the bank in one minute anda quarter. I had no leave to be here."
"Hadn't you?" I said. "Oh, then, go, go directly, Mr. Thorold!"
But I could not immediately release my hand, and holding it andlooking at me, Thorold laughed again; his hazel eyes sparkling anddancing and varying with what feelings I could not tell. They lookedvery steadily, too, till I remember mine went down, and then, liftinghis cap, he turned suddenly and sprang away. I sat down to get breathand think.
I had come to my place rather sober and sorrowful; and what apleasant morning I had had! I did not mind at all, now, my not goingto the dances. I had explained myself to Mr. Thorold, and we were notany further apart for it, and I had had a chance to speak to him aboutother things too. And though he did not understand me, perhaps hewould some day. The warning gong sounded before I had well got to myBible reading. My Bible reading was very pleasant this morning, and Icould not be baulked of it; so I spent over it near the whole halfhour that remained, and rushed up to the hotel in the last fiveminutes. Of course, I was rather late and quite out of breath; andhaving no voice and being a little excited, I suppose was the reasonthat I curtseyed to Dr. Sandford, whom I met at the head of the piazzasteps. He looked at me like a man taken aback.
"Daisy!" he exclaimed.
"Yes, sir," I answered.
"Where have you come from?"
"From my study," I said. "I have a nice place down by the river whichis my study."
"Rather a public situation for a private withdrawing place," said thedoctor.
"Oh no!" said I. "At this hour--" But there I stopped and began again."It is really very private. And it is the pleasantest study place Ithink I ever had."
"To study what?"
I held up my book.
"It agrees with you," said the doctor.
"What?" said I, laughing.
"Daisy!" said Dr. Sandford--"I left a quiet bud of a flower a few daysago--a little demure bit of a schoolgirl, learning geology; and Ihave got a young princess here, a full rose, prickles and all, I don'tdoubt. What has Mrs. Sandford done with you?"
"I do not know," said I, thinking I had better be demure again. "Shetook me to the hop."
"The hop?--how did you like that?"
"I liked it very much."
"You did? You liked it? I did not know that you would go, with yourpeculiar notions."
"I went," I said; "I did not know what it was. How could I help likingit? But I am not going again."
"Why not, if you like it?"
"I am not going again," I repeated. "Shall we have a walk to the hillsto-day, Dr. Sandford?"
"Grant!" said his sister-in-law's voice, "don't you mean the childshall have any breakfast? What made you so late, Daisy? Come in, andtalk afterwards. Grant is uneasy if he can't see at least your shadowall the while."
We went in to breakfast, and I took a delightful walk with Dr.Sandford afterward, back in the ravines of the hills; but I had got anodd little impression of two things. First, that he, like Preston, wasglad to have me give up going to the hops. I was sure of it from hisair and tone of voice, and it puzzled me; for he could not possiblyhave Preston's dislike of Northerners, nor be unwilling that I shouldknow them. The other thing was, that he would not like my seeing Mr.Thorold. I don't know how I knew it, but I knew it. I thought--it wasvery odd--but I thought he was _jealous_; or rather, I felt he wouldbe if he had any knowledge of our friendship for each other. So Iresolved he should have no such knowledge.
Our life went on now as it had done at our first coming. Every day Dr.Sandford and I went to the woods and hills, on a regular naturalist'sexpedition; and nothing is so pleasant as such expeditions. At home, wewere busy with microscopic examinations, preparations, and studies;delightful studies, and beautiful lessons, in which the doctor was thefinest of instructors, as I have said, and I was at least the happiest ofscholars. Mrs. Sandford fumed a little, and Mr. Sandford laughed; butthat did no harm. Everybody went to the hops, except the doctor and me;and every morning and evening, at guardmounting and parade, I was on theground behind the guard tents to watch the things done and listen to themusic and enjoy all the various beauty. Sometimes I had a glimpse ofThorold; for many both of cadets and officers used to come and speak tome and rally me on my seclusion, and endeavour to tempt me out of it.Thorold did not that; he only looked at me, as if I were something to bea little wondered at but wholly approved of. It was not a disagreeablelook to meet.
"I must have it out with you," he said one evening, when he had just aminute to speak to me. "There is a whole world of things I don'tunderstand, and want to talk about. Let us go Saturday afternoon andtake a long walk up to 'Number Four'--do you like hills?"
"Yes."
"Then let us go up there Saturday--will you?"
And when Saturday came, we went. Preston luckily was not there; andDr. Sandford, also luckily, was gone to dine at the General's with hisbrother. There were no more shadows on earth than there were clouds inthe sky, as we took our way across the plain and along the bank infront of the officers' quarters looking north, and went out at thegate. Then we left civilization and the world behind us, and plungedinto a wild mountain region; going up, by a track which few feet everused, the rough slope to "Number Four." Yet that a few feet used itwas plain.
"Do people come here to walk much?" I asked, as we slowly made our wayup.
"Nobody comes here--for anything."
"Somebody _goes_ here," I said. "This is a beaten path."
"Oh, there is a poor woodcutter's family at the top; they do travel upand down occasionally."
"It is pretty," I said.
"It is pretty at the top; but we are a long way from that. Is it toorough for you?"
"Not at all," I said. "I like it."
"You are a good walker for a Southern girl."
"Oh, but I have lived at the North; I am only Southern born."
Soon, however, he made me stop to rest. There was a good grey rockunder the shadow of the trees; Thorold placed me on that and threwhimself on the moss at my feet. We were up so high in the world thatthe hills on the other side of the river rose beautifully before usthrough the trees, and a sunny bit of the lower gro
und of the plainlooked like a bit of another world that we were leaving. It was asunny afternoon and a little hazy; every line softened, every colourmade richer, under the mellowing atmosphere.
"Now you can explain it all to me," said Thorold, as he threw himselfdown. "You have walked too fast. You are warm."
"And you do not look as if it was warm at all."
"I! This is nothing to me," he said. "But perhaps it will warm me andcool you if we get into a talk. I want explanations."
"About what, Mr. Thorold?"
"Well--if you will excuse me--about you," he said, with a verypleasant look, frank and soft at once.
"I am quite ready to explain myself. But I am afraid, when I have doneit, that you will not understand me, Mr. Thorold."
"Think I cannot?" said he.
"I am afraid not--without knowing what I know."
"Let us see," said Thorold. "I want to know why you judge sodifferently from other people about the right and the wrong of hopsand such things. Somebody is mistaken--that is clear."
"But the difficulty is, I cannot give you my point of view."
"Please try," said Thorold, contentedly.
"Mr. Thorold, I told you, I am a soldier."
"Yes," he said, looking up at me, and little sparkles of light seemingto come out of his hazel eyes.
"I showed you my orders."
"But I did not understand them to be what you said."
"Suppose you were in an enemy's country," I said; "a rebel country;and your orders were, to do nothing which could be construed intoencouraging the rebels, or which could help them to think that yourking would hold friendship with them, or that there was not a perfectgulf of division between you and them."
"But this is not such a case?" said Thorold.
"That is only part," I said. "Suppose your orders were to keepconstant watch and hold yourself at every minute ready for duty, andto go nowhere and do nothing that would unfit you for instant service,or put you off your watch?"
"But, Miss Randolph!" said Thorold, a little impatiently, "do theselittle dances unfit you for duty?"
"Yes," I said. "And put me off my watch."
"Your watch against what? Oh, pardon me, and _please_ enlighten me. Ido not mean to be impertinent."
"I mean my watch for orders--my watch against evil."
"Won't you explain?" said Thorold, gently and impatiently at once."What sort of evil can _you_ possibly fear, in connection with such aninnocent recreation? What 'orders' are you expecting?"
I hesitated. Should I tell him; would he believe; was it best tounveil the working of my own heart to that degree? And how could Ievade or shirk the question?
"I should not like to tell you," I said at length, "the thoughts andfeelings I found stirring in myself, after the last time I went to thedance. I dare say they are something that belongs especially to awoman, and that a man would not know them."
Thorold turned on me again a wonderfully gentle look, for a gay, fieryyoung Vermonter, as I knew him to be.
"It wanted only that!" he said. "And the orders, Miss Randolph--what'orders' are you expecting? You said orders."
"Orders may be given by a sign," I said. "They need not be in words."
He smiled. "I see, you have studied the subject."
"I mean, only, that whenever a duty is plainly put beforeme--something given me to do--I know I have 'orders' to do it. Andthen, Mr. Thorold, as the orders are not spoken, nor brought to me bya messenger, only made known to me by a sign of some sort--If I didnot keep a good watch, I should be sure to miss the sign sometimes,don't you see?"
"This is soldiership!" said Thorold. And getting up, he stood beforeme in attitude like a soldier as he was, erect, still with armsfolded, only not up to his chin, like Capt. Percival, but foldedmanfully. He had been watching me very intently; now he stood asintently looking off over the farther landscape. Methought I had asort of pride in his fine appearance; and yet he did in no wise belongto me. Nevertheless, it was pleasant to see the firm, still attitude,the fine proportions, the military nicety of all his dress, which Ihad before noticed on the parade ground. For as there is a differencebetween one walk and another, though all trained, so there is adifference between one neatness and another, though all according toregulation: and Preston never looked like this.
He turned round at last, and smiled down at me.
"Are you rested?"
"O yes!" I said, rising. "I was not fatigued."
"Are you tired talking?"
"No, not at all. Have I talked so very much?"
He laughed at that, but went on.
"Will you be out of patience with my stupidity?"
I said no.
"Because I am not fully enlightened yet. I want to ask furtherquestions; and asking questions is very impertinent."
"Not if you have leave," I said. "Ask what you like."
"I am afraid, nevertheless. But I can never know, if I do not ask. Howis it--this is what puzzles me--that other people who call themselvesChristians do not think as you do about this matter?"
"Soldiership?" I asked.
"Well, yes. It comes to that, I suppose."
"You know what soldiership ought to be," I said.
"But one little soldier cannot be all the rank and file of this army?"he said, looking down at me.
"O no!" I said, laughing--"there are a great many more--there are agreat many more--only you do not happen to see them."
"And these others, that I do see, are not soldiers, then?"
"I do not know," I said, feeling sadly what a stumbling-block it was."Perhaps they are. But you know yourself, Mr. Thorold, there is adifference between soldiers and soldiers."
He was silent a while, as we mounted the hill; then he continued--
"But it makes religion a slavery--a bondage--to be _all_ the whileunder arms, on guard, watching orders. _Always_ on the watch andexpecting to be under fire--it is too much; it would make a gloomy,ugly life of it."
"But suppose you _are_ under fire?" I said.
"What?" said he, looking and laughing again.
"If you are a good soldier in an enemy's country, always with work todo; will you wish to be off your guard, or off duty?"
"But what a life!" said Thorold.
"If you love your Captain?" said I.
He stopped and looked at me with one of the keenest looks of scrutinyI ever met. It seemed to scrutinize not me only, but the truth. Ithought he was satisfied; for he turned away without adding anythingmore at that time. His mind was at work, however; for he broke down asmall branch in his way and busied himself with it in sweeping thetrunks of the trees as we went by; varying the occupation with acareful clearing away of all stones and sticks that would make my pathrougher than it need be. Finally, giving me his hand to help me springover a little rivulet that crossed our way.
"Here is an incongruity, now I think of it," said he, smiling. "How isit that you be on such good terms with a rebel? Ought you to haveanything to do with me?"
"I may be friends with anybody in his private capacity," I answered inthe same tone. "That does not compromise anything. It is onlywhen--You know what I mean."
"When they are assembled for doubtful purposes."
"Or gathered in a place where the wrong colours are displayed," Iadded. "I must not go there."
"There was no false banner hung out on the Academic Building the othernight," he said humorously.
But I knew my King's banner was not either. I knew people did notthink of Him there, nor work for Him, and would have been very muchsurprised to hear any one speak of Him. Say it was innocent amusement;people did not want Him with them there; and where He was not, I didnot wish to be. But I could not tell all this to Mr. Thorold. He wasnot contented, however, without an answer.
"How was it?" he asked.
"You cannot understand me and you may laugh at me," I said.
"Why may I not understand you?" he asked deferentially.
"I suppose, because you do not un
derstand something else," I said;"and you cannot, Mr. Thorold, until you know what the love of Jesusis, and what it is to care for His honour and His service more thanfor anything else in the world."
"But are they compromised?" he asked. "That is the thing. You see, Iwant you back at the hop."
"I would like to come," said I; "but I must not."
"On the ground--?"
"I told you, Mr. Thorold. I do not find that my orders allow me to go.I must do nothing that I cannot do in my King's name."
"That is--"
"As His servant--on His errands--following where He leads me."
"I never heard it put so before," said Thorold. "It bears the stamp ofperfection--only an impossible perfection."
"No--" said I.
"To ordinary mortals," he rejoined, with one of his quick, brilliantflashes of the eye. Then, as it softened and changed again--
"Miss Randolph, permit me to ask one question--Are you happy?"
And with the inquiry came the investigating look, keen as a razor or arifle ball. I could meet it, though; and I told him it was _this_ mademe happy. For the first time his face was troubled. He turned it fromme and dropped the conversation. I let it drop, too; and we walkedside by side and silently the remainder of the steep way; neither ofus, I believe, paying much attention to what there was to be seenbelow or around us. At the top, however, this changed. We found a goodplace to rest, and sat there a long time looking at the view; Thoroldpointing out its different features, and telling me about them indetail; his visits to them, and exploration of the region generally.And we planned imaginary excursions together, one especially to thetop of the Crow's Nest, with an imaginary party, to see the sun rise.We would have to go up, of course, overnight; we must carry a tentalong for shelter, and camp-beds, and cooking utensils, at least a potto boil coffee; and plenty of warm wraps and plenty of provisions, forpeople always eat terribly in cold regions, Thorold said. And althoughthe top of the Crow's Nest is not Arctic by any means, still, it iscool enough even in a warm day, and would be certainly cool at night.Also the members of our party we debated; they must be people of goodtempers and travelling habits, not to be put out for a little; peoplewith large tastes for enjoyment, to whom the glory of the morningwould make amends for all the toil of the night; and good talkers, tokeep up the tone of the whole thing. Meanwhile, Thorold and I heartilyenjoyed Number Four; as also I did his explanations of fortifications,which I drew from him and made him apply to all the fortifications insight or which I knew. And when the sun's westing told us it was timeto go home, we went down all the way talking. I have but littleremembrance of the path. I remember the cool, bright freshness of thelight, and its brilliant gleam in the distance after it had left thehillside. I have an impression of the calm clear beauty that wasunderfoot and overhead that afternoon; but I saw it only as I couldsee it while giving my thought to something else. Sometimes, holdinghands, we took runs down the mountain side; then walked demurely againwhen we got to easier going. We had come to the lower region at last,and were not far from the gate, talking earnestly and walking closetogether, when I saw Thorold touch his cap.
"Was that anybody I knew?" I asked.
"I believe it was your friend Dr. Sandford," he said, smiling into myface with a smile of peculiar expression and peculiar beauty. I sawsomething had pleased him, pleased him very much. It could not havebeen Dr. Sandford. I cannot say I was pleased, as I had an intuitiveassurance the doctor was not. But Thorold's smile almost made amends.
That evening the doctor informed us he had got intelligence whichobliged him to leave the Point immediately; and as he could go with uspart of the way to Niagara, we had better all set off together. I hadlost all my wish to go to Niagara; but I said nothing. Mrs. Sandfordsaid there was nothing to be gained by staying at the Point anylonger, as I would not go to the hops. So Monday morning we wentaway.