not very fluent; and I didnot like his explanations; but nevertheless it was necessaryto give him something to do, and I kept him busy, while thelong line of artillery wagons rushed over the ground, andskirted it, and trailed across it in diagonal lines; walkingsometimes, and sometimes going at full speed of horses andwheels. It stirred me, it saddened me, it fascinated me, allat once; while the gray horse and his rider held my eye farand near with a magnet hold. Sometimes in one part of theline, sometimes in another, the moving spirit and life of thewhole. I followed and watched him with eye and heart, till myheart grew sick and I turned away.
CHAPTER VI.
IN THE FIRE
My ride with Major Fairbairn made me unsettled. Or else it wasmy seeing Mr. Thorold at his drill. A certain impatienceseized me; an impatience of the circumstances and position inwhich I found myself privately, and of the ominous state andposition of affairs in public. The horizon black with clouds,the grumble of the storm, and yet the portentous waiting andquiet which go before the storm's burst. It irked me to seeMr. Thorold as I had seen him yesterday; knowing ourselvesunited, but standing apart as if it were not so, and telling alie to the world. It weighed on me, and I half felt thatChristian was right and that anything openly acknowledged waseasier to bear. And then Major Fairbairn's talk had filled mewith fears. He represented things as being so verythreatening, and the outbreak of the storm as being so verynear; I could not regain the tranquillity of the days past, dowhat I would. I did a very unwise thing, I suppose, for I wentto reading the papers. And they were full of Northernpreparations and of Southern boastings; I grew more and moreunsettled as I read. Among other things, I remember, was aletter from Russell, the _Times_ correspondent, over which myheart beat wearily. For Mr. Russell, I thought, being anEnglishman, and not a party to our national quarrel, might beexpected to judge more coolly and speak more dispassionatelythan our own writers, either South or North. And the speecheshe reported as heard from Southern gentlemen, and the feelingshe observed to be common among them, were most adverse to anyfaint hope of mine that the war might soon end, or endadvantageously for the North, or when it ended, leave myfather and mother kindly disposed for my happiness. All thewhile I read, a slow knell seemed to be sounding at my heart."We could have got on with those fanatics if they had beeneither Christians or gentlemen" - "there are neitherChristians nor gentlemen among them." "Nothing on earth shallever induce us to submit to any union with the brutal, bigotedblackguards of the New England States, who neither comprehendnor regard the feelings of gentlemen." That was like whatPreston said. I recognised the tone well. And when it wasadded, "Man, woman, and child, we'll die first" - I thought itwas probably true. What chance then for Christian and me?"There is nothing in all the dark caves of human passion," Mr.Russell wrote, "so cruel and deadly as the hatred the SouthCarolinians profess for the Yankees." The end of the lettercontained a little comfort in the intimation of more moderatecounsels just then taking favour; but I went back to my fatherand mother, and aunt, and Preston, and others; and comfortfound no lodgment with me. Then there was an extract from aSouthern paper, calling Yankees "the most contemptible anddetestable of God's creation" - speaking of their "mean,niggardly lives - their low, vulgar and sordid occupations" -and I thought, How can peace be? or what will it be when itcomes?
I went out for my usual evening walk, longing and halfdreading to see Mr. Thorold; for I did not like to show him myfears; they gave him pain; and yet at the same time I wantedhim to scold them away. But this time I did not see him. Iwalked the avenue, at first eagerly, then anxiously; then withan intense pressing pain and suspense which could hardly beborne. Neither Thorold nor Thorold's horse appeared among allthe figures moving there; and after walking as long as Idared, I was fain to go home with that pain in my heart. Itseemed, as I went up the stairs to my room, almost as if Icould die at once with it. Yet I had to make my hair smoothand meet Mrs. Sandford at tea, and hear all her little detailsabout Dr. Sandford's illness; which, as they were preciselythe same as those of the day before, had nothing even to holdmy attention for a moment. But I attended. It was necessary.And I eat toast and drank tea. That was necessary too; withevery mouthful a stab of pain, and every little ordinaryincident of the tea-table a wrenching of my heartstrings. Onedoes those things quietly and the world never knows. But Ihailed it as a great relief when Mrs. Sandford rose from thetable.
"Poor Daisy!" she said. "I must leave you to yourself again -all alone. It's too bad!"
"I like it very well so," I told her.
"It mustn't go on," she said. "Really it must not. You willmope, if you don't already. _Don't_ you, Daisy? Where are allyour admirers?"
She had touched my face caressingly with her fingers, and Ihad to look up and meet her. It was one of the hardest minutesof self-control I ever knew. I met her and answered calmly,even coldly; and she went; and I sat down and shrank, Iremember how I shrank, lowering my head and neck and shouldersin a crushing reaction from the erect self-assertion of themoment before. The next thing, two hands were on my shouldersand a voice whispered in my ear a question, "what was thematter?". So as no other voice ever asked me that question; -with the tender assumption of the right to know, and anequally gentle hint that there was comfort and help somewherenot far off. Now, however, I only started up with terror athearing that voice there; - terror instantly displaced byanother terror at the reason of its being there. I knew, Ican't tell how I knew, by the first glance into Mr. Thorold'sface.
"Yes," said he, in a low voice, "I have got orders."
"Where?" I managed to ask. "To do what?"
"I must take a battery across the country to GeneralPatterson."
"That will take you out of the way," I said.
"Out of the way of what?" said he, drawing me to his breast,and looking down into my face with his hazel eyes sparklingover a depth of something that was not merry. "Out of the wayof what, Daisy?" he repeated. "Out of the way of fighting, doyou mean? Is that your way of being a proper soldier's wife?It is out of your way, love; that is what I think of."
I hid my face and we stood still. It was no time then to bedignified.
"How long?" - I whispered at last.
"Impossible to tell, you know. I could not meet you thisevening. I must be off in an hour."
"To-night?"
"Yes."
There was another silence.
"What is General Patterson doing?" I ventured then.
"I suppose he has to keep Johnston in order. How long will youstay in Washington? - can you tell?"
"Till Dr. Sandford can travel. - He is no better."
"Well!" - and a breath of a sigh came then which went to myheart - "Something will be decided before a few days; and thenwe shall know a little better where we stand. I must go!"
He clasped me close and gave me kisses all over my face; but Iwould not have lost one this time. Then he gently put me onthe sofa, pressed his lips to mine one last time, and was outof the room in an instant. I listened to every step in thehall; I heard him open the door and shut it; I heard his footupon the stone steps outside two or three times; and then Ihad lost all.
I sat very still and stunned for a long time. There seemednothing to do. I could not rouse myself. It was the fear ofbeing found there that roused me at last. I gathered myselfup, and went to my room. Oh days, days! How much one livesthrough.
I was keen set now for news, army news especially; and I spenthours in studying all the public prints that were within reachof my hand. So contradictory they were, and so confusing, thatthey made me only the more long for actual living advices. Thesecond day, Major Fairbairn came to ask me again to ride; andthough at first I thought I could not, the next feeling ofrestless uncertainty and suspense decided me. Better be on ahorse's back than anywhere else, perhaps. And Major Fairbairnwas not a bad person to talk to. But I had to nerve myselfforcibly to the task of entering upon the subject I wanted.
"How perplexing the papers are," I remarked, by way of makingan easy beginning.
"Find them so?" said the major. "That is because you read allsides."
"How else can one make up one's mind? How can you know what isthe truth?"
"Apparently you do not know it that way," said the major,smiling. "No; the way is, to choose your side, and stick toit. Then you stand a chance to be comfortable."
"But you cannot go into society without hearing more sidesthan one."
"Silence the wrong."
"I want to know first which is right."
"Haven't you found _that_ out yet?" my companion said, with asurprised glance at me. "I thought, Miss Randolph, you were asafe person; all right for