of oursharpshooters and were well riddled; then, when they couldn'tstand it any longer, they fell back to the river and tried toget across again to the other side, where they came from; andthey had no means of getting across, nothing but a couple ofold scows; so they went into the water to get away from thefire, and quantities of them were drowned, and those that werenot drowned were shot. Lost a great many, and their commandingofficer killed. That's the way. They'll have enough of it intime. The war'll be over in a few weeks or months more. DeSaussure will not have time to raise his regiment. I don'tthink, mamma, it's any use for me to go home, it'll be over sosoon."
"Where was this?" inquired my father.
"Some place - Ball's Bluff, I believe. It was a grand affair."
"How many did they lose?" my mother said.
"Oh, I don't know - some thousands. We lost nothing to speakof. But the thing is, they will lose heart. They will neverstand this sort of thing. They have no officers, you know, andthey can have no soldiers. They will be obliged to give up."
Words were in my heart, but my lips knew better than to speakthem. _Had_ they no officers? Had Christian no soldiers underhim? My head was ready to believe it; my heart refused. Yet Ithought too I had seen at the North the stuff that soldiersare made of.
"If I were you," said my mother, "I would not let it all beover before I had a part in it."
"The war is not ended yet, Felicia," my father remarked; "andit will take more than a few hard knocks to make them giveup."
"They have had nothing but hard knocks, sir, since it began,"Ransom cried.
"Your father always takes a medium view of everything," mymother said. "If it depended on him, I believe there would beno war."
"I should have one other vote for peace," papa said, lookingat me.
"It is well Daisy was not born a boy!" Ransom said.
"I hope you will not make me wish you had been born a girl,"my father replied. "Strength is no more noble when it ceasesto be gentle."
"Must not every woman wish for peace?" I said. It was anunhappy attempt at a diversion, and if I had not been in ahurry I should not have made it.
"No," my mother answered, not sharply, but with colddistinctness. "Before the South should submit to the dictationor reproof of Northern boors and fanatics, I would take amusket myself and die in the trenches."
"It is an ugly place to die in, my dear," answered my father.
"See Daisy shiver!" Ransom exclaimed; and he burst into alaugh, "Mamma, Daisy's blood has grown thin at the North. Sheis not a true Southern woman. There is no fire in you, Daisy."
Not at that moment, for I was sick and cold, as he said. Icould not get accustomed to these things, with all thepractice I had.
"No fire in her?" said papa, calmly. "There is ammunitionenough, Ransom. I don't want to see the fire, for my part. Iam glad there is one of us that keeps cool. My darling, youlook pale - what is it for?"
"Fire that burns with a blue flame," said mamma.
"Blue?" - said papa, with a look at me which somehow set us allto laughing.
"The carmine is coming in again," said mamma. "I profess I donot understand you, Daisy."
I was afraid she began to suspect me.
It was very true that mamma did not understand me; and it wasthe unhappiness of my life. I tried hard to narrow thedistance between us, by every opportunity that the days or thehours gave; and a certain accord was after a time establishedanew in our relations with each other. Mamma again took toadorning and playing with me; again studied my toilettes andsuperintended my dressing; made me as exquisite as herself inall outward paraphernalia. I let her alone; in this at least Icould gratify her; and no occasion of gratifying her was to belost. Papa was pleased too, though I think it made lessdifference to him what I was dressed in; yet he observed me,and smiled in a way to show his pleasure whenever a new deviceof mamma's produced a new effect. She sought society forherself and me now. We removed from Geneva and went toFlorence. I was thankful it was not to Paris. Every foot ofItaly had great charms for me; and I dreamed over Florence,with a delighted fancy that never grew tired or tame. That myevenings were spent in what I did not care for, could notspoil my days. Our walks and drives, which papa and I oftennow took alone, were delicious beyond expression. I forgot thewhirl of the night before and of the evening to come, and Iwas the child Daisy again, I think, in very much. At nightmamma had me.
There was a lull at this time in the news from home. Bothparties in America were gathering up their strength; and inthe mean time the only affairs we heard of were inconclusiveskirmishes, sometimes turning out for the advantage of oneside, sometimes of the other; but not to signal advantage foranybody. I hoped, with such a lull, that things might subsideinto a state susceptible of composition. I might havereasoned, if I looked at home, upon the unlikelihood of anysuch thing. No news of advantages lost or gained had anyeffect upon my mother and brother but to make them more keenin the cause and more relentless in pursuit of their end. Thehearing of a trifling success was like a taste of blood to thelion; the loss of Beaufort and its forts was turned into anoccasion of triumph because "the great naval expedition" hadaccomplished no greater things. They laughed at McClellan'sreview of troops; and counted up the gains his adversarieswere to realise from the co-operation of foreign well-wishers.And then the taking of Mason and Slidell put them into a fumeof indignation and scorn. My father shared, though moregently, in all this. I was alone. Could I tell them that myheart was with the Northern army; and how it went out afterevery gleam of one particular sabre?
My mother drew me into society by degrees. I hardly knew wherethe line was passed, between quiet conversaziones andbrilliant and courtly assemblies. It was passed when I wasunwitting of it, or when I felt unable to help it. My motherhad been so much alienated by my behaviour toward Marshall andDe Saussure, that I thought it needful to please her by everymeans in my power, short of downright violation of conscience."Children, obey your parents _in the Lord_," - I did not forget;I thought I was doing the very thing. For it was not to pleasemyself, that I let my mother make me look as she chose and lether take me - where she would. My heart was too sore to beambitious and too sober to feel the flutterings of vanity. Iknew the effect of her doings was often what satisfied her;but the nearest approach to a thrill of vanity in myself was,I think, the wish that Christian could see me. And as he couldnot, I seemed to wear an armour of proof against other eyes. Idid not care for them.
Nevertheless, I began to be sensible that they cared for me. Iobeyed my mother at first because she signified her will veryabsolutely, and allowed me to see that any refusal on my partwould make a breach between us. I left myself in her hands, todress and adorn and lead about as she liked; I could not helpit without an effort that would have parted us. And besides, Ibelieve I accepted these engrossments of society as a sedativeto keep me from thinking. They took a great deal of tine andoccupied my attention while they lasted.
By degrees there came a change. As I said, I was admired. Atfirst I cared little for any eyes but those which could notsee me; but that did not last. I began to like to be admired.Soon after that, it dimly dawned upon me, that some of thosewhom I saw now every day, might come to admire me too much. Ihad learnt a lesson. There were several gentlemen, whosesociety I liked very well, who gave us, I began to perceive, agreat deal of it. I saw them at night; I saw them by day; theymet us in our walks; they even joined us in our rides. One wasa German; a very cultivated and agreeable talker, well-bred,and in high position at Florence. Another was a delightfulItalian; poor I think. A third was a young English nobleman;rich, but nothing more that I could discover. The Germantalked to me; the Italian sang with me; the Englishmanfollowed me, and was most at home in our house of them all. Ihad been taking the good of all this, in a nice society way,enjoying the music and the talk and the information I got fromthe two first, and I am afraid enjoying too the flowers andthe attentions of the third, as well as of still others whom Ihave not mentioned. I was floating down a stream and I had no
tthought about it, only enjoyed in a careless way; till alittle thing startled me.
"We do not have so much time for our walks as we used, Daisy,"papa said one day when he came into the drawing-room and foundme with my habit on. "Where are you going now?"
"To ride, papa, with Lord Montjoy."
"My Daisy is not a daisy any longer," said papa, folding me inhis arms. "She has grown into a white camellia. Going to ridewith Lord Montjoy! -"
I cannot say what in these last words of papa gave me a wholerevelation.
"I think you are mistaken, papa," I said. "I am Daisy yet."
"I _was_ mistaken," said papa smiling, but rather shadowedly, Ithought; -