Sandford's eyes opened upon me. His sister-in-lawexclaimed,
"You could not see him _then_, child. But you like him, don'tyou? Well, they tell all sorts of stories about him; but I donot believe half of them."
I thought, I could believe all the good ones.
"But Grant, you never can keep Daisy here," Mrs. Sandford wenton. "It would be hazardous in the extreme."
"Not very," said the doctor. "Nobody else is going to stay; itis a floating community."
So we parted for the night. And I slept, the dark hours; butrestlessness took possession of me the moment I awoke. Dr.Sandford's last words rung in my heart. "It is a floatingcommunity." "Nobody else is going to stay." I must see Mr.Thorold. What if _he_ should be ordered on, away from Washingtonsomewhere, and my opportunity be lost? I knew to be sure thathe had been very busy training and drilling some of the newtroops; and I hoped there was enough of the same work on handto keep him busy; but I could not know. With the desire tofind him, began to mingle now some foretaste of the pain ofparting from him again when I - or he - should leave the city.A drop of bitter which I began to taste distinctly in my cup.
I was to learn now, how difficult it sometimes is in new formsof trial, to be quiet and submissive and trust. I used to beable to trust myself and my wants with God; I found at thistime that the human cry of longing, and of fear, was very hardto still. I was ready to trust, if I might only see Mr.Thorold. I was willing to wait, if only we might not beseparated at last. But _now_ to trust and to wait, when all wasin doubt for me; when, if I missed this sight of my friend, Imight never have another; when all the future was a cloudy seaand a rocky shore; I felt that I _must_ have this one moment ofpeace. Yet I prayed for it submissively; but I am afraid myheart made its own cry unsubmissively.
I was restless. The days that followed the President's leveewere one after the other filled up with engagements andamusements, - if I can give that term to what had such deepand thrilling interest for me; but I grew only more secretlyrestless with every one. My companions seemed to find it allamusement, the rides and parades and receptions that wereconstantly going on; I only saw everywhere the preparation fora desperate game soon to be played. The Secessioniststhreatened Washington; and said "only wait till the Fourth."The people in Washington laughed at this; yet now and then Isaw one who did not laugh; and such were often some of thosewho should know best and judge most wisely. Troops weregathered under Beauregard's command not very far from thecapital. I knew the dash and fire and uncompromising temper ofthe people I was born among; I could not despise their threatsnor hold light their power. My anxiety grew to see Mr.Thorold; but I could not. I watched and watched; nothing likehim crossed my vision. Once, riding home late at night from agay visit to one of the neighbouring camps, we had drawnbridle in passing the grounds of the Treasury Building, wherethe Eleventh Massachusetts regiment was encamped; and slowlywalking by, were endeavouring to distinguish forms and soundsthrough the dim night air - forms and sounds so novel inWashington and so suggestive of interests at stake and dangersat hand; when the distinct clatter of a horse's hoofs in fullgallop came down the street and passed closed by me. The lightof a passing lamp just brushed the flying horseman; not enoughto discover him, but enough to lift my heart into my mouth. Icould not tell whether it were Mr. Thorold; I cannot tell whatI saw; only my nerves were unstrung in a moment, and for therest of that night I tossed with impatient pain. The idea ofbeing so near Mr. Thorold, was more than I could bear. Oneother time, in a crowd, I heard a bit of a laugh whichthrilled me. My efforts to see the person from whom it camewere good for nothing; nobody like my friend was in sight, ornear me; yet that laugh haunted me for two days.
"I do not think Washington agrees with Daisy," Mrs. Sandfordsaid one morning at breakfast.
"She never looked better," said the doctor.
"No. Oh, I don't mean that; she looks all herself; yes, she isin great beauty; but she is uncommonly abstracted anduninterested."
"Not being in general a sensitive person," observed Dr.Sandford.
I explained that I had never been more interested in my life;but that these things made me sober.
"My dear Daisy!" Mrs. Sandford laughed. "You were neveranything but sober yet, in all your little life. I should liketo see you intoxicated."
I felt on dangerous ground and was silent. The doctor askedwhy? - to Mrs. Sandford's last speech.
"No matter!" said the lady. "The first man she loves will knowwhy."
"The first," said Dr. Sandford dryly. "I hope she will notlove more than one."
"She will be an uncommonly happy woman then," said Mrs.Sandford. "Nonsense, Grant! every woman loves two or threebefore she has done. Your first liking will come to nothing, -Daisy, my dear, I forewarn you; - and most probably the secondtoo; but no one will be the wiser but yourself. Why don't youblush, child? On my word, I believe you are growing pale!Never mind, child; I am not a prophet."
I believe the blushes came then, and they all laughed at me;but Dr. Sandford asked me very kindly if I was too tired tosee the review that day? I was not tired; and if I had been,nothing would have tempted me to be absent from the review. Iwent everywhere, as far as I could; and Dr. Sandford wasalways with us, indulging every fancy I expressed or did notexpress, it seemed to me. He had to work very hard at othertimes to make up for it; and I thought Washington did notagree with _him_. He looked pale and jaded this day.
I thought so after the morning's work was done; at the time Ihad no leisure for such thoughts. The morning's work was areview of many thousand troops, by the President. Dr. Sandfordand our friends had secured an excellent place for us, fromwhich we could well see all we wished to see; and I wished tosee everything. For various reasons. The platform where Mr.Lincoln stood had its own peculiar attractions and interests.It held himself, first of all, standing in front, in plainview much of the time. It held besides a group of men that oneliked to look at just then. General Scott was there, and Iknow not how many other generals; the members of the Cabinet,and inferior military officers; and each colonel of theregiments that passed in review, after passing, dismounted andjoined the group on the platform. I looked at these officerswith particular interest, for they and their command weregoing straight across into Virginia expecting active servicesoon. So I looked at their men. While each regiment marchedby, the band belonging to it halted and played. They weregoing to the war. In good earnest they were going now. Thiswas no show of pleasure; it was work; and my heart, it seemedto me, alternately beat and stood still. Sometimes theoppression of feeling grew very painful, obliged as I was tohide carefully the greater part of what I felt. A littleadditional stir was almost more than I could bear. Oneregiment - the Garibaldis, I think, had bouquets of flowersand greens in their hats. I did not indeed notice this, untilthe foremost came just in front of the platform and thePresident. Then the bouquets were taken out from the hats, andwere tossed, in military order, rank by rank, as the filespassed by, to Mr. Lincoln's feet. It was a little thing; buthow it shook me! I was glad of the rush which followed thepassing of the regiment; the rush of people eager to securethese bunches of flowers and evergreens for memorials; thediversion of interest for a moment gave me chance to fightdown my heart-swelling.
"Daisy! you are - what is the matter? You are not well - youare tired," - my guardian exclaimed anxiously, as he came backto my side with one of the Garibaldi flower bunches.
"I am well - you are mistaken, Dr. Sandford," I made myselfsay quietly.
"For which side are you so anxious?" he inquired. "You arepaler than you ought to be, at this moment, with a smile onyour lips. I got this for you - will you scorn it, or valueit?"
"You would not waste it upon me, if you thought I would scornit?" I said.
"I don't know. I am not infatuated about anybody. You may havethe bouquet, Daisy. Will you have it?"
I did not want to have it! I was not amusing myself, as manyand as Mrs. Sandford were doing; this was not an interestinglittle bit of greens to me, but a handful of pain.
I held it,as one holds such handfuls; till the regiment, which hadhalted a little while at Willard's, was ordered forward andtook the turning from Pennsylvania Avenue into the roadleading to Virginia. With that, the whole regiment burst intosong; I do not know what; a deep-voiced grave melody from athousand throats, cheering their advance into the quarter ofthe enemy and of actual warfare. I forgot Dr. Sandford then,whose watchful eyes I generally remembered; I ceased to seethe houses or the people before me; for my eyes grew dim withtears it was impossible to keep back; and I listened tonothing but that mellow, ominous, sweet, bitter, strain, tillthe sound faded away in the distance. Then I found that mycheeks were wet, and that Mrs. Sandford was wondering.
"This is what it is to have an