“Yup.”
I studied his face.
“Do you not want to tell me this stuff?” I asked. “You don’t seem all that interested.”
“I’m interested in you, not my boring childhood,” he said, his lips curving into a smile. “Things only got interesting when I met you.”
“Puh-lease,” I tittered. “Interestin’ is the last word to describe me.”
“Oh, it’s up there,” Damien said, “but I know a few words that fit you just as well.”
“Like?”
“Elegant, smart, hard-working, beautiful, funny ... sexy as sin.”
He had echoed those exact words to me many years before, and it brought a smile to my face knowing he still thought all those things equaled to me.
“You think I’m funny?”
Damien laughed. “Yeah, baby, I think you’re funny.”
I relaxed against him.
“What was your ma like?”
Damien was silent for a few moments, and just when I thought he wouldn’t respond, he said, “She wasn’t like your mom.”
“Meanin’?”
“She wasn’t maternal.” Damien swallowed. “She wasn’t very affectionate and was mostly cold towards my brothers and me.”
My lips parted in shock. “Why?”
He snorted. “I spent my entire childhood trying to find the answer to that question, and I never found it. My mom and dad ... they just weren’t very nice people, but I couldn’t see that when I was a kid. I thought they were awesome.”
That broke my heart.
“I’m sorry, sweetie.”
Damien looked at me and smiled. “You sounded like Branna just then.”
“’Cause I called you sweetie?”
He nodded. “I was pretty torn up when my parents died, more so than my brothers because I needed the affection I never got from them, so naturally, I tried to get their attention whenever possible. I didn’t have to do that with Branna; she loved me and my brothers after she fell in love with Ry. She’s more of a mom to me than my real mom. Ryder is more of a dad to me, too.”
I swallowed past the lump that formed in my throat.
“I’m sorry you didn’t have a lovin’ relationship with your parents. I can’t imagine me life bein’ like that,” I said, squeezing his hand in what I hoped was a gesture of comfort. “I’m at odds with me da right now, but I still love him. It’s why hatin’ ’im hurts so bad because … I still love ’im.”
“He is your dad, baby,” Damien said gently. “I know this will be hard to hear, but what he did to your mom was between them. He is still your dad.”
I looked down at my lap.
“But she is me ma,” I said softly. “He broke not only her trust, but mine, too. He is the man I once would measure up me future husband against in hopes I could find someone as great as ’im, and I can’t do that anymore because if the man I grew up lovin’ me whole life could do what he did to me ma, someone who would die for ’im, every other man was always gonna come up short for me.”
“Even me?”
“I want to say no, but yeah, even you,” I answered honestly. “You could say this situation added to me already lengthy list of trust issues.”
I closed my eyes when Damien leaned in and kissed my head, his lips lingering for a few moments. I sighed, opened my eyes, and stared up at him. I loved his eyes. They were grey with a circle of white around each iris.
“I don’t mind spending forever assuring you I’m not going anywhere, freckles.”
My heart thudded.
“You shouldn’t have to, though,” I said. “That’s not fair to you.”
“Building a solid trust takes time,” Damien assured me. “Rome wasn’t built in a day.”
“Does that mean you have trust issues?”
“Not so much trust issues as straight-up fear.”
I sat upright and blinked.
“What are you scared of?”
“That things won’t work out between us,” Damien answered. “It makes me sick to think about it being a possibility, but I know it could be one, so I’m scared of it.”
My jaw dropped, and Damien’s lips twitched.
“Yeah, you aren’t the only one terrified if things go sideways.”
“You’ve made me feel so ... human with that admission.”
“Human?”
“Yeah.” I nodded. “Like I’m not bein’ overdramatic and fearin’ our relationship endin’ isn’t a legit worry when it is.”
“Of course, it is,” Damien said, his thumb stroking the back of my hand. “Any one of my brothers will tell you the same, and so would the girls I’m willing to bet.”
After my talk with Alec, I knew they would, too.
“Thanks for sharin’ that with me about your parents,” I said softly. “I know that couldn’t have been easy.”
Damien’s body relaxed. “I haven’t really thought about them in a while; it’s nice every now and again to reflect on things in the past, just so I can look at who I am as a person now.”
I smiled. “That’s a lovely way to look at it.”
Damien’s eyes locked on my mouth, but there was no heat in his stare.
“What is it?”
“I never meant what I said to you that night in Darkness,” he said, licking his lower lip. “I know I’ve told you that already, but I want you to know that I only said it because I knew it would hurt you and push you away. I was terrified of how you cared for me, and how I cared about you, and my reaction was to hurt you and force you away. In a fucked up way, I thought I was protecting you.”
I lifted my palm and cupped his cheek.
“I know you’ll never forget it, but I hope you’ll forgive me one day for saying it.”
“I do forgive you,” I said sincerely. “I hope you forgive me for how I let you believe everythin’ was your fault. I’m sorry.”
“Babe.” He smiled softly. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“I do,” I pressed. “What I did was wrong and unjust. I was angry, and let that anger blow what happened out of proportion. Please don’t make what I did seem any less horrid because we’re together now.”
“Okay,” Damien whispered. “I forgive you now, and I forgave years ago, too.”
I closed my eyes and leaned my head against his. Feeling content, happy, and so secure it was almost frightening.
“I know it’s literally just been a few days, but bein’ with you makes me feel safe and sound.”
“Being with you makes me feel like I can let down my defences,” Damien said, nuzzling his face to mine. “You’re my steady place, Lana. My freckles.”
I opened my eyes and smiled.
“I used to hate me freckles.”
Damien sucked in a horrified breath. “Why?”
“’Cause everyone said they made me cute, and I hated that.”
“You are cute.” Damien grinned. “Sexy and sinful, too. And beautiful. Man, you’re so beautiful.”
I kissed him, and he smiled against my lips.
“Do you know when I first saw you, I knew you were a girl who could make me happy.”
I leaned back with raised brows. “When you first saw me, I walked head first into you and knocked you on your arse.”
“Yes—” Damien snickered “—but you gave me your hand to help me up.”
“And that gave you the impression that I could make you happy long term?”
“Yeah.” He nodded. “I knew you’d be someone to always help me up when I’m down, no matter what. That’s why I pushed you away after we were together, you were someone who I knew could reach me at that point in my life where I forced everyone out, and that scared the shit out of me. You’re my ride or die, Alannah”
“That’s so romantic.”
“I can be more romantic.”
“Proceed.”
Damien chuckled. “We’re endgame.”
I stared up at him, bewildered.
“I have no clue
what that means.”
“It means,” he murmured, brushing stray hairs back from my eyes. “No matter what has happened between us, or what comes next for us, at the end of the day, you’ll be with me, and I’ll be with you. I know it, you know it … everyone knows it.”
My heart fluttered, and my stomach came alive with butterflies.
“You sound pretty confident, snowflake.”
“I am, freckles.”
“Since when?”
“Since you kicked me in the balls when we were eighteen and told me to go to hell.”
Ten days later …
Ten days had passed since I found out my ma had cancer, nine days had passed since Damien and I officially started dating, and eight days had passed since I found out the treatment plan my ma was signed up for to kick cancer’s arse as well as Branna and Ryder’s twins being born. It was Thursday, the day of her surgery to remove the peanut-size tumour from her breast, and I had never felt as sick in my entire life. I had terrible anxiety and chewed on my nails until I had none left and each of my fingers stung, while others bled.
“Alannah.” Bronagh clicked her tongue, gaining my attention. “You’re hurtin’ yourself.”
I looked at my fingers before wiping them on my leggings.
“I can’t help it.” I cleared my throat. “I feel so nervous I could be sick.”
I looked to my right when the arm around my waist squeezed me.
“She’ll be fine.”
I stared up at my boyfriend and frowned. He had taken the day off work, which worried me because Mr Collins had told him his schedule for the next few weeks was on lock, but Mr Collins allowed him to take the day to be with me. I would forever be grateful to him for that, because I needed Damien by my side.
“You don’t know that, Damien.”
He didn’t reply to that; he leaned in and kissed my cheek instead.
“When she comes out of surgery, she’s going to whoop your butt for worrying so much.”
I tried and failed to smile, so he squeezed me again. The gesture was comforting, but it was his and Bronagh’s presence that really kept my fried nerves in check. When I woke up that morning and got ready to head to the hospital to meet my parents, Damien surprised me by telling me he got the day off work to come with me, and that we had to pick Bronagh up along the way because she was coming too. I didn’t want to cry, so I hugged him with my face pressed against his chest until we had to leave.
That was three hours ago, and my ma was one hour into her surgery. The nurse I had spoken to about my ma’s lumpectomy procedure said there was no time limit because it was a very careful operation. The doctor wanted to remove as little breast tissue as possible while removing the tumour, so he had to take his time. I understood that, I encouraged that, but God above knew that the longer she was in surgery, the worse I felt.
My da seemed to share my anxiety.
He hadn’t sat down once since the doors to the operating theatre closed. All of us had the option to sit in a waiting room, but we chose to sit on the row of chairs lined up outside of the entrance to the operating theatre. My da had been pacing back and forth in front of the double doors from the moment my ma went through them. Every single time they opened, he jerked to attention, but each time, his shoulders sagged when he realised it wasn’t my ma.
He was sick with worry too, and it was the first time since I found out that he had cheated on her that I realised he still cared for her. Still loved her. The longer I stared at him, the possibility of what he had done, of it just being one huge mistake, became clear, and I didn’t know how to feel about that. I wanted to stay angry with him, it made pushing him to one side so much easier, but seeing him vulnerable as he waited on news of my ma tugged at my heartstrings.
He loved her, and I think after what he had done, he loved her even more than ever before.
“I’m makin’ some tea,” I said, standing up, causing Bronagh and Damien’s arms to fall away from me. “Do either of you want anythin’?”
“No,” they replied in unison.
I walked across the hall to the tea and coffeemaker machine, and I had just begun to make my tea when I felt a presence to my right. I flicked my eyes towards my da, not surprised to find him standing there, staring down at me. I glanced over my shoulder at Bronagh and Damien, who were watching us like hawks. I could have sworn neither of them blinked.
“What d’ye want?” I asked as I turned back to the machine.
From the corner of my eye, I noticed my da shoved his hands into the front pockets of his jeans.
“We need to talk, Alannah.”
I swallowed down bile.
“I’ve nothin’ to say to you.”
“Well, I’ve plenty to say to you.”
I couldn’t bring myself to look at him, but I remained quiet, giving him the opportunity to talk if he wanted to. I stirred my teabag around my styrofoam cup with a little wooden stick painstakingly slow.
“Until the day I die,” he began, “I will be sorry for cheatin’ on your ma, and breakin’ both her and your trust in me.”
Tears stung the back of my eyes.
“I don’t expect forgiveness,” he continued, “I don’t expect anythin’ less than anger because it’s what I deserve, but I just want you to know that I am truly sorry, and I have never regretted somethin’ more in me entire life.”
My lower lip wobbled upon hearing the emotion in his voice.
“You’re me baby,” he said, his voice cracking slightly. “I’m so sorry I ruined our relationship.”
My tears fell.
“Why?” I demanded, angrily wiping away my tears with the back of my hand. “Why did you do it?”
“I’ve been thinkin’ of the answer to that question since it all started,” he answered, clearing his throat. “Nothin’ I’ve come up with is good enough a reason. No reason is good enough for what I’ve done.”
On that, I agreed with him.
“I’m goin’ to tell your mother.”
I jerked my gaze to his so quickly, my neck hurt.
“What?”
“After she completes ’er radiation,” Da continued. “I’m goin’ to come clean and own up to what I did.”
I was at a loss for words.
“Will you leave ’er?”
“Christ,” Da blanched. “Never. I can only pray she won’t leave me, though I deserve nothin’ less.”
I considered his words.
“She won’t leave you,” I concluded. “She loves you too much.”
Da’s eyes glazed over with tears.
“I hate meself,” he rasped, exhaling a deep breath. “I love your ma; she is me heart. I’m sick with meself that I’ve done this to ’er.”
“Me too.”
My da locked his eyes on me.
“I will never,” he said, firmly, “ever break either of your trust again. I would rather die.”
My heart pounded.
“I can’t forgive you,” I said, my voice thick with emotion. “Not until she does, at least.”
“I’ll take it,” Da practically pleaded. “I’ll take any chance, no matter how small, to mend what I’ve done. I miss you so much, Alannah. Not talkin’ to you and seein’ the hurt in your eyes when you look at me breaks my heart. You’re me baby girl, and what I’ve done has hurt you. I swore when you were just born that I would protect you from everythin’ in this world, I … I just didn’t realise I had to protect you from me too.”
Before I realised what I was doing, I abandoned my cup of tea and stepped forward. Wrapping my arms around my da, I burst into tears when his arms came around me. He held onto me so tight, it almost crushed the air from my lungs.
“I love you,” Da cried as he leaned down and pressed his face into my hair. “I’m so sorry.”
“I love you too.” I sobbed, squeezing him.
God knew that I hated what he had done, but I still loved him with every bone in my body, and it was the most conflicted my emotions
had ever been. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen with us. I wasn’t sure if I would forgive him, if I could ever fully trust him again, but one thing I was certain of was that he was sorry, and that he would never do anything to hurt my ma or me again. I was also sure that I missed him just as much as I loved him, but my anger over what he had done had blocked out those emotions as I focused on the deed he committed.
Hearing him admit his faults, owning up to them and willing to accept whatever my ma or me gave him in return really made it hit home that what he had done was just a mistake. A massive one, a life changing one, but still a mistake. I believed that everyone deserved a second chance, and as I hugged my da, I knew I would give him that chance. Just like I knew my ma would when he and she spoke about his infidelity. That conversation would be the most important one we would have as a family, after learning about my ma’s cancer, of course, but I knew, deep down, that we’d get through it.
My ma was right when she said there was nothing the three of us couldn’t get through together.
“I’m cryin’ all over you,” Da said with a little laugh as we broke apart. “Bronagh and that lad you came with are smilin’ at us, too.”
I could imagine.
“That lad is me boyfriend,” I said, lifting my hands to my face so I could wipe away my tears. “His name is Damien Slater.”
My da quickly rid his face of tears, stood up straight, and said, “Your ma told me about ’im. I’d like to meet ’im, if that’s okay?”
My ma had met Damien a few days ago, and it went off without a hitch. Damien even took it on the chin when she started teasing him over his fight with Dante, assuring him she found it all rather romantic. I was mortified, of course, but Damien thought it was hilarious. By the time we left my parents’ house, he and my ma were practically best friends.
“Of course, you can meet ’im.”
As we walked, I looked down at my da’s hand then without a word, I took his hand in mine, and gave a squeeze as I led him over to the observant duo.
“Da,” I began went we stopped in front of them, “this is Damien Slater, me boyfriend.”
Damien was already on his feet with his hand extended in my da’s direction.