She was easing herself into the Pepto-Bismol pink chair by the window when he entered. He saw her wince with the movement before she noticed him. When she saw him, his heart responded to the look of delight on her face by picking up its pace.
“Hi.” She slid back, settling herself. The swelling over her one eye seemed to be shrinking, and the bruising around the stitches was a little lighter. Her hair hung limply on her shoulders, dark against the light blue of her hospital gown.
“How are you?” He took the chair across from her, keeping a bit of distance between them as he passed her the bag.
Looking between him and the bag, her eyebrows drew together, and her adorable mouth puckered into a look of puzzlement. “I’m feeling a bit better. What is this?”
He moved his gaze off of her lips and to her face, ignoring the rapid beat of his heart. “Some clothes. From my sister. She’s about your size. She, uh . . . well, she was going to donate them, and I thought maybe you’d be more comfortable in these than something from the hospital.” He broke her gaze and looked out at the sun trying, unsuccessfully, to break through the grey clouds. When he returned his gaze to hers, he saw the sheen in them and, this time, his heart slowed.
“Thank you,” she breathed the words reverently. She clutched the bag, didn’t even look inside. “That was really, really thoughtful of you. You didn’t have to.”
“I wanted to. Any more headaches?”
“No.”
“Looks like your stitches and bruising are healing up nicely.”
“Yes, I was thinking I’m almost ready for a photo op.”
He couldn’t stop the smile. He wanted to be reserved, removed, but it was impossible. “You might want to wait until the swelling is gone there.” He gestured, earning a wide grin from her.
“Hmm. I’ll think about it. Thank you again for the clothes. Maybe I’ll put something on before you come back.” She shifted to get up. He moved forward automatically to take her hand and help her. They stood, with the bag between them, her staring at his chest and him breathing in the soft smell of hospital soap. His breath hitched when she put her hand on his chest. He wasn’t sure if his voice would work, but he had to try. It was best for both of them.
“I won’t be able to make it back later. I have rounds, and I’m booked for surgery in an hour.”
She dropped her hand, looked up at him, and he should have felt relieved, but he could still feel her fingers on his chest. He could see the hurt in her eyes even with the smile she wore.
“Right. Of course. Well, I hope everything goes well.”
She moved from the window, and he stayed by her side, moving to help her when she began to climb into the bed. Her eyes seemed empty when she looked at him. Something lodged in his throat.
“I can do this. You should go.”
Knowing she was right, he nodded, and backed up slowly. He wasn’t sure he managed a carefree smile as he gave a slight wave and walked out, but he kept that smile on his face while he strode to the elevator. Pushing the button several times, he checked his watch. When the doors opened, he was on before he even checked to see if someone needed to get off. Punching the button for the first floor, he ran both hands through his hair, tugged at it slightly as he rode. He gave a curt nod to the two nurses who were getting on when he got off, then strode straight to accounting.
“Well, hey there, Dr. Parker.” Julie Anne swiveled her tall frame in her chair. Her grey curls didn’t move an inch with the movement. Josh thought she likely came with the hospital when it was built. She was a permanent fixture, like the vending machines and uncomfortable cots.
“Hi Julie. Listen, I’d like to take care of a bill for a patient. Alessandra Matthews. She’s on the fourth floor, room—”
“Four eighteen. Tell me something I don’t know.” She laughed, and he had to smile.
He rolled his shoulders and pulled his wallet out of his back pocket. “I don’t know how you do that.”
“I don’t know how you play with people’s insides, so we’re even.”
The laugh felt rough in his throat. He handed over the credit card.
“Don’t recall this happening before.”
“I’d be happy if you didn’t recall it once I walk away either,” Josh answered seriously.
Julie glanced up, her expression serious but gentle. “Recall what?” She swiped his credit card.
He signed the bill, put his card away, and tucked his wallet back into his pocket. Julie said nothing, but she stood and kept her gaze fixed on his. He nodded his head, tapped the counter a couple times with his hand. “Thanks.”
“Anytime.”
He walked away and tried to mentally prep for his surgery. He made it back to the elevator by avoiding eye contact. Grateful it was empty, he slumped back against the wall as he rode to the surgical floor.
“There was nothing more you could have done,” he told himself. As usual, the words did nothing to stop the hurt.
CHAPTER NINE
Alessa ran her fingers through the knots in her hair, used both hands to separate one she found near the end. She needed a shower with actual water pressure. She wasn’t sure the half bath-half shower Nurse Renee helped her with that morning actually got the soap out of her hair. Still, she lay back, feeling more comfortable in the dark grey yoga pants and baggy purple sweater she found in the bag Josh brought her. Her belly flip-flopped when she thought of him handing her that bag, of him going to pick up clothes for her from his sister. He said he wouldn’t be by, but if that changed, she thought it would be nice to be dressed in something other than the ill-fitting hospital gown.
Yes, because you should really be concerned with your wardrobe, not your memory loss or the fact you have no money, no home. She sat up slowly, remembering the driver’s license she put into the little drawer hidden in the bedside table. Pulling it out, she looked it over again. Her hair was styled more carefully in the tiny, grainy photo. Not hard to be more styled than it is now. Her birthdate read November 27, 1983. Thirty one. Turning thirty one. Soon. Questions scrambled over each other in her brain: What had she done for her thirtieth? Would her memory return by next month? Did she like chocolate cake? White? Did she have allergies?
The rant of uncertainty snowballing in her mind was stopped by Nurse Renee entering with a smile on her face and papers in her hand. Her scrubs had tiny flowers on white cloth and made Alessa think of spring, her favorite time of year. She loved planting tulips so she could seem them grow after the winter. The certainty of the thought surprised her.
“You’re dressed! In real clothes.” Renee set the papers down and grabbed the blood pressure cuff from the wall. She fixed it around Alessa’s arm with ease and inserted her earpieces before Alessa could say anything in response. Alessa kept her gaze on Nurse Renee and breathed through her nose.
“You’re good.” Renee put the blood pressure cuff back, smiled in a motherly way, and rubbed her hands together. “Guess who gets to go home?” she asked playfully.
Alessa’s stomach dropped. It plummeted hard and fast, and her throat tightened.
“It’s not multiple choice, honey. It’s you. You need to keep your stitches dry. I’ve got a prescription for you for pain medication. You can get it filled out on the same floor as billing, which is on the first floor,” Renee rambled happily.
“Jos—Dr. Parker didn’t say anything about me being discharged,” she mumbled around the ball of panic in her throat.
“Well, I spoke to him myself. All your tests are clear. He signed the papers. You’re good to go. I’ll help you get whatever you have together and wheel you down. Is there someone I can call to pick you up?”
Alessa bit her lip and looked down at her hands. There were scratches on the left one; long dark scratches that had started to scab over. On the right hand, her pinkie was swollen but not broken.
“Alessa?”
She pasted a smile on her face when she looked up. Do not be pathetic. Do not tell her you have nowher
e to go.
“No. I’ll get my things together, and then I can go. I’ll . . . take a cab home.” She should be able to get somewhere for ten dollars. But where she had no idea.
Nurse Renee frowned at her, moved closer to the bed. “I’ll wheel you down.”
“I’m fine. I could use the exercise.”
“You could use some fattening up, actually, but it is hospital policy, so no use arguing.”
To keep the tears at bay, Alessa pushed at her teeth with her tongue until it hurt. Clenching her jaw, she scooted her legs off the side of the bed.
Renee moved to assist her. “I need to get the chair for you.”
“Well, I don’t have much so I’ll be ready when you get back.”
She used the bag that still held a couple of shirts and two pair of black yoga pants to gather the few items she had. She put the ten dollar bill she had into the bag, along with her driver’s license, trying not to think about how Josh hadn’t come to say goodbye. She’d let herself believe that the clothes meant something other than him feeling sorry for her. She shook her head, grabbed the papers Renee left on the table, and the three packages of crackers she hadn’t eaten with her soup from dinner. Renee came in with the chair, but Alessa kept her eyes down as she shuffled over to it and sat carefully, bag in her lap.
“No jacket?”
“No. The sweater is fine.”
“I’m going to take you to billing okay?”
“Sure.”
Maybe they won’t let me leave if I don’t pay. Biting the inside of her cheek, she kept her gaze on the bag in her lap, on her battered hands. Nurse Renee chatted with a woman that wore cute black Mary-Jane shoes on the elevator. When they arrived on the right floor, she pushed Alessa right up to the counter.
“Hi Julie Anne. We got us a parolee.” Renee laughed.
Alessa stood, looked at the very tall woman whose face fit the term “kindly grandmother” perfectly. Best to be standing when you lose the last of your self-esteem. She straightened her shoulders, looked the curly haired woman in the eyes.
“I don’t have any money, at all. I don’t have a bankcard. Or even know where my bank is actually. Or if I have a bank.”
Julie Anne covered her surprise quickly, earning a sincere smile from Alessa when her next expression was not one of pity.
“Why don’t I pull up your file, and we’ll have a look?”
Nurse Renee stayed quiet, but Alessa felt her move closer. “Her name is Alessa Matthews. She’s in room—”
“Four eighteen. Doesn’t anyone think I know anything around here?” Julie Anne interrupted, pretending to frown. She didn’t look down at the computer, but she did give Alessa a once over. “It’s your lucky day, my dear. Your bill is paid in full.” Alessa felt her mouth drop slightly. She looked at Nurse Renee who shrugged, then back at Julie Anne. “Th-that’s impossible,” Alessa stammered.
“Nothing is impossible. Certainly not this.”
Alessa huffed out a breath before speaking again. “Well, who?”
“It’s against the rules to tell you that.”
“How can I pay them back?”
Nurse Renee put a hand on Alessa’s arm as her tone edged toward tears. “Sweetie, ever hear the expression ‘don’t look a gift horse in the mouth?’”
“Well, of course, but . . .” Alessa trailed off when she realized there was nothing she could say. It’s not like you could actually pay it anyway.
“We hope you enjoyed your stay.” Julie Anne smiled.
Renee helped Alessa back into the chair and placed the bag on her lap. She wheeled her toward the exit while Alessa sat in silence. She stopped just outside the automatic doors. The crisp air rushed at them ruthlessly. Alessa shivered, and Renee patted her shoulder.
“You can head right over there to the taxi stand. They’ll take you wherever you’re going.” Renee pointed in the darkness to the four waiting taxis. Their drivers leaned against their cars, laughing with each other while people walked past on the sidewalk.
Clutching the bag, shielding herself with it, she stood, met Renee’s gaze. “Thank you.”
Renee nodded. “Take care of yourself, Alessa. Good luck.” She looked like she might say more, but firmed her lips and turned the wheelchair to head back into the hospital.
Alessa stood on the cement of the hospital’s front entrance, people chatting quietly around her. The sound of a siren came from somewhere close by as one of the taxi drivers opened his back door for a man. Looking in the other direction, Alessa could see rows of cars parked in the darkness. The grass glistened under the lamps, reminding her it had rained earlier. She spotted a set of benches against the side of the building and ambled toward them.
Her chest felt like someone had stomped on it, but she made it to the bench before allowing herself to collapse. Setting the bag beside her, she put her hands on her knees and pushed the air out of her lungs, pulled it in. Breathe. It’ll be okay. Just take a minute and breathe. She gripped her knees with her fingers, causing a stab of pain in her pinkie. Loosening her hold, she let the tears come. The first sob gutted her, ripped through her lungs, and captured her breath. She slapped a hand to her mouth, trapping the sound, but it was too late. The tears poured as she rocked back and forth slightly. Drying them was pointless; they came too hard and too fast.
CHAPTER TEN
“All right, Mrs. Davidson.” Josh closed the chart and forced a smile. “It looks like you’ll be able to go home this evening.”
“Oh, that’s great. I’m ready to get back to my cats. I can only imagine what they’ve done with my yarn.” She laughed. “I was in the middle of making the most beautiful blanket for my grandbaby when my appendix decided it needed to make an exit from my body.” She laughed again.
Josh kept the fake smile on his face and nodded. It was all he could manage at the moment, and even that was hard. “Well, Nurse Renee will be in with your discharge papers and follow-up instructions.”
“Thank you, Dr. Parker.”
He nodded and left the room. In the hallway, he let out a pent up breath as he looked in the direction of Alessa’s room. God, why didn’t I say goodbye to her? What was I thinking? His stomach was tight, close to aching. He leaned against the wall, tipped his head back but couldn’t ease the regret. Instead, it spread like water, seeping into his chest. Bending, he put his hands on his knees, and drew several deep breaths.
“Hey, Dr. Parker, are you okay?” asked an older gentleman. He was part of the housekeeping staff. Nice guy if not a little talkative at times.
Straightening, Josh said, “Yeah, I’m fine, Bill. Thanks for asking. Rounds are just taking longer than normal tonight.”
“Be sure to take a break, doc. You look tired.” Bill smiled and continued down the hall, pushing the large broom as he went.
Josh shook his head. Take a break? Yeah, right. He didn’t take a break on a normal night. Trying tonight would kill him because when he stopped, even for a moment, he was consumed with thoughts of Alessa and how he’d treated her like just another patient. She is just another patient, he reminded himself.
But she wasn’t. And pretending otherwise wasn’t fair to either one of them.
“Crap.” He had to find her, catch her before she left. Apologize for his behavior earlier. He pushed off of the wall and headed toward her room, needing more than anything to fix this. He shoved the door open without bothering to knock.
The room was empty.
Alessa was gone.
The door had barely closed behind him when he whirled, slapping an open palm against it. The sting of it barely registered before he repeated the action. He braced himself against the door, leaning his head forward with his jaw painfully tight. You did this. You sent her away. He stomped over to the window with barely enough sense not to smash it. The darkness had eaten the city, leaving small squares of light scattered throughout. Josh rubbed a fist against his chest, pushing against the discomfort that filled his lungs. Tears burned the b
ack of his eyes, and he pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes before the tears could fall. Crying would do nothing to fix this. Steeling his resolve, he drew a deep breath and forced himself to think. He needed to take action, to do something to make this right. So, Josh did the one thing he hadn’t done in over two years—he prayed.
I know I’ve forsaken you, God, and I don’t deserve your help, but please. Don’t do this to me again. You took Laura from me. Don’t take Alessa, too.
Even as he finished the prayer, he was shaking his head. Believing was one thing, but Josh knew accountability mattered—he pushed Alessa away, overwhelmed by his feelings, and only he could make it right.
He rushed from her room. The chances of finding her were slim, he knew that, but being in that room was torture. It was filled with her—her presence, her scent, her laughter. Josh needed to get away, to get out of this forsaken hospital, which, until now, had always been his refuge. He had to get outside and get some air. Try to clear his mind. To find Alessa.
“Dr. Parker,” Nurse Renee called as he passed the nurses’ station.
He didn’t bother to stop even when she called his name a second time. What could he possibly say to her to justify his erratic behavior? Nothing. It was best to just ignore her. Josh bypassed the elevator and opted for the stairs. Taking them two at a time, he reached the lobby and rushed out the front door before it had finished sliding all the way open.
Josh inhaled deeply, and only then did he notice it was raining. Perfect. And it was raining hard, too, but he couldn’t find the energy to care. Instead, he walked away from the hospital and let the cold rain soak him. Maybe that job in California wasn’t such a bad idea. Josh could move away from the east coast, away from all of his painful memories. Everywhere he turned, there was a memory of Laura. And now his hospital would be forever tainted with the memories of Alessa. The woman he cared about too much, the woman he’d let walk right out of his life.
He walked toward the road, oblivious to where he was headed. Not caring. And that’s when he saw her. She was sitting on the bench at the end of the sidewalk, the same bench he’d sat on with Laura as she waited for the bus, refusing to inconvenience him by letting him drive her home. But was she real? Was that really Alessa, or was his mind playing tricks on him? He rubbed his hands over his face. The woman was still there.