“Not recently,” I answered. “Heard he moved up north.”
Felicia grinned, then pointed at the scar going through my eyebrow. “Seeing that sure takes me back. I was absolutely positive we’d get expelled.”
I laughed at the memory of her terror, back when I’d gotten the scar trying to pull off a high school prank. The sound fell short when I also remembered that she’d disappeared for an entire weekend soon after that night. That was Felicia. She ran when she got scared. And I’d known that almost my entire life. Could I really blame her for being who she was? Who she’d always been?
Yes. Yes, I could. She hadn’t left me for a couple days…she’d left for four years. Clearing my throat, I told her, “I need to go. Kenzie’s waiting for me.”
Her face fell, either because I was leaving, or because I was going to my girlfriend. I wasn’t—Kenzie would have questions if I went to her place this late at night—but telling Felicia that put some much needed space between us.
“Okay, Hayden. Another time, maybe.”
No, there wouldn’t be another time. Not for us.
***
CHAPTER 12
~Kenzie~
I thought going to events would get easier, but as I stood in the stands at Road America, watching the riders going for their qualifying laps, I felt more despondent than ever. Last year, that had been me down there, busting my ass to prove myself as an equal. And now look at me, strutting around in shorty-shorts and a bikini top. I tried to put on a brave face, but it was difficult. Dad’s words kept flashing through my mind: Your mother would be horrified.
Having died when I was little, I really didn’t know what my mother would think of me, but as much as I hated to admit it, Dad might be right. She probably would have been horrified. Not over what I was wearing, or who I was working for…but because I’d settled. Settled for something that was beneath my talent, beneath the legacy my father had forged for me, beneath my potential. I belonged on a bike.
Thinking of my parents didn’t help my mood any. I was still the black sheep of the family. I hadn’t talked to my dad since that day he’d made those hurtful comments, and I’d finally stopped calling my sisters; it was pretty clear by now that they didn’t want to talk to me, they just wanted to argue at me. I was blocked from my family just as much as I was from the sport, and every day was just a little more tortuous than the last.
It didn’t help things that I was finding myself alone more and more often. Hayden had been absent a lot the last month, doing “appearances” for Keith. I thought it was a little strange how often Keith was pimping out his Golden Boy, but then again, maybe not. Keith would do just about anything to promote his team, and to get Hayden a championship win. The only true surprise was the fact that Keith wasn’t taking the opportunity to flash Felicia around too, especially when he could flaunt her next to Hayden, but Hayden assured me that Keith was only taking him to these…parties. That made it slightly more tolerable.
Hayden and Felicia were together now, doing a pre-race interview for ESPN. A part of me wanted to go down to the Benneti garage and watch the whole thing being filmed, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stand seeing them together. It was like having splinters driven under my fingernails: it hurt like hell and it pissed me off. I knew it was nothing but clever marketing—for Hayden, at least—but it still left an ache that took forever to heal.
Eventually, I knew my absence from the garage would be noticed, and I pulled myself away from the glorious sounds of maxed-out engines. I felt like dragging my feet as I sulked back to my post. Keith had hired a couple of other girls this go-around, so at least I wasn’t alone, but the pair he’d hired were hardcore, and they got after me for every misstep. Mainly, my job was to keep the riders happy and smile for fans. Their exact words had been, Flirt with the fans so hard that they think they can take you out back and bend you over, but hell if I was going to do that.
When I approached the garages, I felt my body tensing. Please let their interview be done. Luckily for me, the camera crew was gone when I stepped inside. Unluckily, Felicia was still glued to Hayden’s side. He looked frustrated at having her so close, but he didn’t seem to be encouraging her to go away.
Even as I noted how naturally good they looked together, angry hairs started rising on the back of my neck. Back off, he’s mine. Like he somehow heard me, Hayden’s gaze swung my way. His scowl softened as he locked eyes with me. Then he cast a nervous glance at Felicia. He said something to her, and she glanced my way too. When she looked back at Hayden, he said something else to her. She asked him a question, and he gave her a brief nod. She smiled in response, then started walking away. What the hell was that about?
I hated seeing them talking to each other, but I knew as teammates they were going to have to chat occasionally. At work. And about work. Anything else would be unnecessary, and Hayden had said repeatedly that he didn’t want unnecessary conversations with her.
“Everything okay?” I asked, stepping up to him.
With a devilish smile on his lips, Hayden’s gaze raked over my mostly exposed body. “Everything is great now.”
There was an excitement in his eyes that made all the unwanted leering I’d experienced today worth it; I’d put up with a lot more to see that look on his face. “What was—?” I stopped myself from asking what he and Felicia had been talking about; it was work, and none of my business. Instead, I asked, “How did the interview go?”
Small frown on his face, Hayden looked over my shoulder. I didn’t need to follow his gaze; I could feel Felicia boring holes into my back. “It was…fine.”
By fine, I took it he meant misleading and sensationalized. Great. If she’d kissed him again, I just might super-glue her lips shut.
I sighed and Hayden wrapped his arms around my waist. “Hey, it really was fine. I swear.” I nodded, but I wasn’t entirely convinced. With a crooked smile, Hayden asked, “Want to sneak into Keith’s trailer? I could give you a backrub?”
By backrub I knew he meant sex. And while having sex here at the track somewhere sounded intriguing and arousing, I was not doing anything of that nature in a place where Keith did…Keith things. “I’m good, thanks.”
Hayden started laughing, just as Nikki approached us. “Hey, you two…what’s so funny?”
“Nothing,” I said, an amused smirk on my face.
Nikki smiled like she was in on the joke, then she clapped her hands together. “You guys are going out with Myles and me, right?” Before we could answer, she added, “It’s tradition, you have to.”
I laughed at her, then looked over at Hayden. He was cringing like he had bad news, and my heart sank. “Sorry, I’ve got a thing tonight, I can’t go.” He turned to me. “But you should still go.”
Not wanting to appear startled in front of Nikki, I tried keeping it together, but I wasn’t sure if I succeeded. “A Keith thing? Way out here?”
His cringe deepened. “Yeah…sorry.”
A frustrated sigh escaped me. “It’s fine, you have to do what you…have to do.”
“Thanks for understanding. I love you.” He kissed my cheek, but for some reason, it felt cool instead of comforting. When he pulled away, he seemed…uncomfortable. “I’m gonna go…get ready for my laps.”
I nodded as he gave me another kiss on the cheek. Nikki pouted when he left. “You’re not going to go now, are you?”
“No, I’ll go,” I told her absentmindedly. Hanging out with her and Myles would be a good distraction anyway. “Hey, do you know what Keith has planned for Hayden tonight?”
Tilting her head, she thought for a moment before saying, “No. I do my best to avoid talking to Keith. He freaks me out.”
I gave her a half-hearted smile. Damn. “Yeah, me too.” But not today. No, today I was going to talk to him, and find out just what he was doing with my boyfriend.
It took me a while to get up the nerve to approach him. It wasn’t that I was nervous, more like…repulsed. Seeing a chance t
o speak with him alone, I got over the roiling sensation in my stomach and stepped in front of him.
Lowering his overly large sunglasses, he looked down at me with contempt clear on his face. “What do you want, Cox? If you have a question about your job, ask one of the other girls.” With a sigh, he shook his head. “I really wish you filled out that top better. I can barely read the logo.”
My cheeks heated so fast I felt like someone had set a match to them. Digging my fingernails into my palms, I made myself ignore the insult. “You’re taking Hayden to a party tonight?”
His bland expression didn’t change one bit. “Yeah. What’s it to you?”
A sense of relief filled me; Hayden had told the truth. It was quickly followed by irritation. “Do you need a model to accompany you?” Keith’s gaze shifted over my shoulder, to where I could hear one of the other girls giggling. Before he could invite one of those women to spend all night with Hayden, I quickly amended my sentence. “Do you need me to accompany you?”
Keith’s lips twisted into a look that was both a sneer and a sarcastic smile. “I think we’ll do just fine without you. Now get back to work, and don’t worry about what Hayden and I have going on. It’s none of your business anyway.”
With that, he limped past me, leaning heavily on his crutch like he was trying to emphasize the fact that a Cox was the reason he’d had to end his career, and he would never forget it or forgive it. Jerk.
* * *
Nikki and I met up that night around the same time that Hayden met up with Keith. I tried not to think about what my boyfriend was doing while we joined up with Myles, but it was hard not to think about him when Nikki decided we should all go dancing. Being stuck between hot, sweaty bodies made me want my hot, sweaty body. But he was busy. With Keith. Again.
It was really beginning to annoy me, especially when I stumbled back to our hotel room early in the morning and he still wasn’t back yet. That was when annoyance turned to worry.
“You were out late last night,” I said in the morning, when we were getting ready to go to the track. Since Hayden and I didn’t live together, and he didn’t come over on nights when he went out with Keith, I had no idea if what time he’d come home was typical. Was he always gone that long with Keith? What the hell did they do at these parties that kept them out until the crack of dawn? Fear and doubt mixed inside me, churning into anger. “I’d think he wouldn’t want to do that to you, right before a race.”
Hayden’s eyes went wide as he stared at me. Was that concern? Guilt? The expression shifted into a smile before I could pinpoint it. “Yeah, I know. I keep telling him that, but you know Keith…stubborn.”
That much was true. “I asked Keith if I could come along. He said no.”
His hands froze from buttoning his jeans. “You talked to Keith?” he asked, his eyes on his motionless fingers.
A humorless laugh escaped me at the memory. “Yeah. He told me it was none of my business.” Asshole.
Hayden seemed to slump. He stayed there a couple seconds before looking up at me, and when he eventually did, his smile was apologetic. “I’m sorry he said no. I would have loved to have you there.” His eyes were so sincere when he said that, that some of the doubt began to burn away.
I looped my arms around his neck, and his gaze drifted down to my Benneti bikini top. “Well, I hope your late night paid off for you. I hope you scored someone great.” I squeezed my arms together, giving him the best view of my cleavage that I possibly could.
His lips lifted into a seductive smile, and his heated eyes locked onto mine. “Oh…I did,” he murmured.
I knew from his tone of voice that he wasn’t talking about a sponsor. Pressing my lips against his, I reveled in the fact that, even if it was a painfully short amount of time, at least we were together right now.
Unfortunately, that brief moment ended all too soon, and we were on our way to the track before I could even think to ask Hayden to strip my slutty uniform off me. A wasted opportunity—a phenomenon that seemed to be happening more and more often with us.
When we got back to California, I didn’t see Hayden for more than an hour at a time for almost a week straight. I was dying to have an entire evening alone with him—possibly another late-night rendezvous at the practice track—but he was just so busy with work and with Keith, that it never seemed to happen. By the time he did have the night off and he was able to make time for me, I almost didn’t want him to.
‘You sure you want to come over tonight? The place is a mess and I need to wash my hair.’ I almost groaned after sending the message. Was I really using that excuse with him? It was as transparent as a window pane, and just as thin: I feel neglected, come comfort me.
‘I don’t care about messes, and I’d love to help you wash your hair.’
His message ignited a fire that had been dormant for far too long. My fingers typed out a response before I could stop them. ‘Okay.’ Yes, please.
Ten minutes later, my doorbell was playing “Winter Wonderland.” I tried to stop the smile on my face, but I couldn’t. I’d missed him. Tossing open the door, I grabbed his jacket and pulled him inside. Then my arms were around his neck, and my mouth was all over his. He instantly responded, his fingers roving up and down my body.
“Kenzie,” he murmured, breaking away from me. “You’re naked…”
“I know. You should probably do something about that,” I breathed, finding his mouth again.
I felt him shift his weight, heard him kick my front door shut, then he was picking me up and hurrying me to my bedroom. His clothes were half off by the time he laid me down on the mattress. And as he plunged deep inside me, I prayed for time to stop, so this moment with him would last forever. But after that night, he practically became a ghost for the next three weeks.
It was really hard to enjoy the time that we did have together, when I knew that once it was done he’d be gone for…for who knew how long. I was mad at the endless parties, mad at Keith for having them…and mad at Hayden for going to them. It felt like everything in my life was transpiring against me, and I just couldn’t win. My job sucked, my family sucked, and my boyfriend…kind of sucked.
I wanted him to make me a priority, to place me above everything else. I had placed him above my career after all. Wasn’t it his turn to do the same for me? But he didn’t. Night after night he chose Keith, and night after night I grew more and more unhappy.
* * *
Mid-June, we were back at an ARRC event. One of my favorites—Barber. Again, it was torture and bliss to be there, and I began to believe that standing on the outside looking in would never get easier.
Closing my eyes during the qualifiers, I pretended the sound of straining engines was coming from me, from a bike underneath me. I got so carried away in the fantasy, that I could practically feel the movement of the bike, feel the vibration of the road beneath me. It was a glorious, painful daydream. Speed wasn’t something I’d felt much of lately. Hayden and I hadn’t been spending a lot of time together, and we hadn’t snuck into the practice track in forever. I missed it so much. I missed a lot of things.
“Hey, Kenzie, how you doing?” Nikki asked.
My fantasy fizzled around me, and I cracked an eye open to look at her. “Fine.”
Nikki grinned like I’d said something really amusing. “You’re getting better at doing that. I almost believed you.”
Once upon a time I’d been really good at hiding my fear, doubts, and insecurities. But with everything that I’d been bombarded with this year, I’d lost a lot of that deceptive skill. I supposed that was a good thing.
Nikki’s smile shifted to a frown. “Hey, I know you don’t want to hear this, but once the season is over, maybe you should look for something else. Maybe a job in a different field?”
I opened both eyes at hearing that, and tried my best not to scowl; she only wanted me to be happy, and even a blind man could see that I wasn’t happy. But still, racing was my life. How could I
leave it behind? Especially when I didn’t have anything substantial to fill it with, since Hayden was AWOL most nights. “Thanks, Nik, but this is where I want to be. It will get better.” It sure as hell couldn’t get any worse.
Nikki sighed, then scanned the room. “Are you and Hayden going out with us tonight?”
Trying hard to completely mask my feelings, I threw on a bright smile. “Hayden’s got a thing, but I’ll be there.” Hayden’s “thing” was another party with Keith. God, if these parties didn’t end soon, I might lose my ever-loving mind. And hopefully, that was all I lost. Because I really didn’t think I could handle losing anything else.
Nikki seemed to believe me this time. She gave me a soft smile before getting back to work on Hayden’s bike. Of course, I hadn’t confided in her how often Hayden abandoned me, so she didn’t have a reason to think that I was anything other than satisfied with my boyfriend. I just hadn’t found the courage to talk about it. Doing that would somehow make it seem even more…real. And I wasn’t ready for “real.” Leaving Nikki to her job, I got to work on my job—shaking my ass.
* * *
When we returned to California, nothing much changed. Hayden still ran off all the time, my family was still on the outs with me, and my job was still incredibly demeaning. To say that life was wearing me down was an understatement. My soul was running on fumes, and I had no idea how much longer I could go before I completely puttered out.