Pulling my bike into the driveway, I turned it off and nearly ran to her door. It hadn’t been the best day, and I really needed to see my girlfriend. I rang the doorbell to the tune of “Silent Night.” It annoyed Kenzie to no end when I rang Christmas carols, but I think she liked it too. The door was pulled open long before I finished the song, and Kenzie was standing there in loose cotton pants and a tight Cox Racing T-shirt. God, she looked amazing, and now that I knew her so well, I could easily spot the uniqueness that made her completely different from Felicia. Seeing her was like walking outside into the fresh air after being cooped up in a stagnant room all day long—I could finally breathe again. Her long, dark brown hair was a mess of wavy curls, wild and untamable, just like her spirit. Her creamy skin was perfect, flawless, and her deep brown eyes danced with delight at seeing me. And irritation.
“I really wish you’d stop doing that,” she murmured, a half-smile on her lips.
I knew she meant the rhythmic ringing, but I couldn’t resist playing with her. “Staring at you like you’re a meal I want to devour? Sorry, can’t do that. You’re just too damn appealing.”
Stepping into her house, I wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her into me. She gasped at the sudden movement, then smiled and laced her arms around my neck. As she gazed at me, I saw a flurry of emotions dance across her face: humor at my comment, desire at my words, interest, love, happiness, and a trace of…concern, fear. She would probably never say it, but she’d been worried about me going to the track today. Worried about me being around my ex all day. I needed to find a balanced way to convince her that she had absolutely nothing to worry about without sounding like I was overcompensating for something.
With a peaceful smile on my face, I lowered my lips to hers. “I missed you,” I whispered, right before our lips connected. It was fire, passion, heat, and need when her soft skin met mine. I wanted more, wanted a deeper connection, wanted to scoop her into my arms, toss her down on her bed, and explore every inch of her. And before the night was through, that was exactly what I was going to do. But not yet. It might seem fueled by something else if I took her now. I needed to wait until she was assured that today had meant nothing to me.
“I missed you too,” she told me when our mouths finally separated. With a sigh, she gave me a final kiss, and retreated from my arms. I watched the joy in her expression fade as she closed the front door.
“How did today go? Any leads?” I asked, crossing my fingers for a bit of good luck. Kenzie needed to ride, just as surely as I did.
She sucked a plump lip into her mouth as she shook her head. “I called half a dozen teams, and they all said the same thing: ‘We’ll let you know.’”
Smiling, I walked over and grabbed her hands. “On the bright side, that’s not a no.”
Lifting an eyebrow, she deadpanned, “That’s not a yes either. I also tried calling my father and my sisters. Dad wouldn’t even pick up. Theresa was as frosty as ever. She told me I was a horrible person for hurting Dad, then she hung up on me. Daphne bitched me out for twenty minutes straight. She wouldn’t let me get a word in edgewise.” A fiery look ran through her eyes. “I know I hurt Dad when I chose you over racing…over him…but they’re all taking it to the extreme. They’re acting like I’m intentionally trying to be cruel or something, but I’m not…I just want to be with the person I love.”
I knew she meant that, and I knew she honestly believed she’d made the right choice by choosing me, but sometimes I wondered, and worried. Her father had pulled a lot of strings to get her rejected by nearly every racing team. He’d probably called in every favor he had, all so he could get Kenzie to end things with me. Why he hated me so much I wasn’t sure, but I was also beginning to believe it wasn’t really about me anymore. He was proving a point—no one crossed Jordan Cox and got away with it. Not even his own daughter. I should have a word with him. Several. But not until Kenzie had finally gone over there and spoken to him face-to-face. It was time for her to confront her father.
I opened my mouth to tell her something positive, although I had no idea what I could say to turn that problem around. Like she knew what I was trying to do, Kenzie swished her hands at me. “But I don’t want to talk about my family right now. I want to hear about your day. How was… How were your times?”
By the slight pause and wary tone, I knew she really wanted to know about Felicia. God, that had to have eaten her up all day. It would gnaw at me, if our positions were reversed. In my head, I would have played out multiple intimate fantasies of the two exes reconnecting. I’d be a basketcase waiting for an answer—waiting for my world to fall apart. I didn’t want Kenzie to feel that way, didn’t want her to not know where she stood with me. And because I also didn’t want her to know that I’d raced better today than I had in a while, I answered a question she hadn’t asked. “Felicia approached me this morning, wanting to talk…and I told her that I had nothing to say to her, ever, and politely requested that she never talk to me again. And if she tries to anyway, I’ll tell her the exact same thing again. I have no desire to hear anything she has to say. Ever.”
My voice came out a little impassioned on that last part, and I cringed as I watched a light flush spread over Kenzie’s cheeks. Her breath increased, just a little, and her eyes were wide as she stared at me. I hoped she was just trying to process everything I’d openly, unprompted, confessed to her, and I hoped she wasn’t wondering about the heat in my voice. I’m not hiding anything from you, Kenzie. You’re the one I love. I promise.
“She wants to talk to you?” she finally said, her voice quiet. “But you don’t want to hear her out? You’re not curious?”
She was trying to feel me out, figure out my exact feelings toward my ex. But there was nothing to suss out; I didn’t have feelings for Felicia, just regrets. “Nothing she has to say is going to change what she did. She abandoned Izzy and Antonia when they needed her the most.”
“And you,” she softly added. “She abandoned you too.”
A strange sensation started growing in my chest; it was like a maddening irritant lodged under my skin, unreachable, unfixable. Yes, she’d abandoned me, just like every shit foster parent I’d ever had. Just like my parents, when they hadn’t done a damn thing to get me back. In the end, Felicia hadn’t been the person I’d thought she was. And that had hurt. It had taken me months, years, to get over the betrayal, and even now…sure, it still stung. But I didn’t want Kenzie to see that, didn’t want her to know that. Kenzie was my world now.
“What Felicia did to me doesn’t matter anymore, so why would I want to hear about it? You’re all that matters, because you’re the one I want. The only one I want. Okay?”
“Yeah…okay, Hayden.” Her expression changed, and, for once, I couldn’t read her mood. Was that relief I saw in her eyes, or compounded fear? Had I made things worse by bringing Felicia up before she did? Damn it, maybe she’d needed to ease into the conversation, but stupid me, I’d just dove right in and gone for broke. So much for trying to sound like I wasn’t overcompensating. So how do I fix this now?
“Are you really okay?” I asked, seeking her guidance. I didn’t want to steer the conversation wrong again.
The air thickened with tension as she studied me, and I suddenly had the feeling that we were standing on opposite sides of a giant plate, balanced on the sharp point of a slim spear, and we were each trying to find the tipping point. Any wrong move right now would disrupt the harmony and send our relationship tumbling into darkness and chaos. My heart started to beat harder as I waited for some type of response from her. She was either going to open up to me, let me see her fears and doubts, or she was going to start building a wall.
Just when I couldn’t take it anymore, and I was about to ask my question again, Kenzie gave me a forced smile. “Yeah, I’m fine. It’s fine. We’re good.”
I knew right then and there that we weren’t. “Kenzie…”
Ignoring me, she indicated the kitch
en. “Are you hungry? I tried making Pad Thai. I’m not sure if it turned out, but I know you love it so I figured you’d eat it anyway. I thought we could eat it in bed. Naked.”
There was a look on her face, a silent plea to accept the distraction she was offering, to accept the Thai food and sex, and let the lingering doubt between us remain untouched, unexamined, undisturbed. And I knew if I did that, if I let her steer us down this road of avoidance, this uneasy feeling between us would only get bigger. But I had to admit, the idea of avoiding this—just for right now—sounded damn appealing. I’d had a long, emotional day, and all I really wanted was to see Kenzie smile, to enjoy the meal she’d made for me, and to kiss every single inch of her body. I didn’t want a heartfelt, painful conversation that would probably lead me down a rocky road of torturous memories and years-long, built-up suffering. I just wanted to be with her. Happy, content, oblivious. We could deal with reality tomorrow.
And that was why I responded to her suggestion by pulling her into my body and growling, “Okay, but can we skip right to the naked in bed part?”
She giggled in response, but there was a hollowness to the sound that haunted me. Had I already fucked this up?
***
CHAPTER 3
~Hayden~
Like I’d been doing a lot lately, I spent the night at Kenzie’s house. Sleep was elusive though. I kept tossing and turning; no position was comfortable. My mind refused to settle down, and my day replayed over and over in my head. I kept analyzing my conversation with Kenzie, trying to figure out how she’d taken my words. Then my thoughts turned to Felicia. Not to her personally, but to the brief encounter we’d had. Could I have handled that differently? Been more assertive? Why the hell was she back?
Thinking of Felicia got me thinking about the rest of my original pack. Did Izzy know Felicia was back? I should probably tell her. Then she could tell Hookup, if he didn’t already know. Although…maybe I should talk to him. Maybe I’d handled that situation wrong, too, and I should try to make some sort of peace with him. I wasn’t sure, but it was weird not having him in my life. God, what to do. I’d felt lost several times in my life before, but nothing quite like this.
My pillow felt like a rock, the sheets felt like sandpaper, but eventually I found a somewhat comfortable position, and started relaxing as the pull of sleep began to take me under. The thoughts tumbling through my brain slowed into languid visions—some of my past, some of my present. A memory of running through the rain with Felicia morphed into running along the beach with Kenzie. Racing through the streets alternated between Felicia and Kenzie beside me, and then oddly, both women were there. Exploring Felicia’s body, nervous and fumbling as I tried to figure it all out, shifted into masterfully bringing Kenzie to the brink, then keeping her there for hours.
As my body began to shut off for the night, my thoughts turned weirder and weirder—flying cats, Keith telling me he was my father, my bike having a conversation with me. Then, deep in dreamland, I found myself walking into the Cox Racing garage. It wasn’t empty, like it was in real life, but bustling with activity and energy…like it used to be.
Mechanics, riders, and crew members milled about the room, endlessly going from space to space. Nikki was in the center of the garage, laughing over something with her friend, Myles, as she worked on Kenzie’s bike. I looked around for my girlfriend, but she wasn’t anywhere to be seen. Starting to worry about her, I took a step toward Nikki. A hand on my shoulder stopped me. I expected to see Kenzie standing behind me when I spun around. It wasn’t her though.
“Felicia? What are you doing here?” Confusion rang through my brain as I tried to make sense of all the out of place images: a full garage, Kenzie gone…Felicia here.
She stared at me with a calm smile that was edged with sadness. “I’m here for you. It’s time to go, Hayden.”
Ice tightened my spine, and I glanced around the room again for Kenzie. The entire garage was empty now, though—not a trace of the people or the machines remained. Thinking I should tell Felicia I wasn’t going anywhere with her, I said, “Time to go where?”
Holding both my hands in hers, she whispered, “Time to go home.”
I woke up with a start. My heartbeat was fast, and I was breathing heavier. Thing was, I wasn’t sure how I felt about the dream, other than relief that it was a dream. A part of me had been crushed, while another part of me had been hopeful. I didn’t want to think about it, and I definitely didn’t want to analyze it. Sometimes a dream was just a dream, and there were no hidden meanings.
A soft, comforting hand touched my chest. “You okay?” Kenzie mumbled, voice thick with sleep.
Not wanting her to feel my racing heart, I grabbed her fingers and brought them to my lips. “Yeah, just a weird dream. Go back to sleep.”
She popped up on her elbow to look at me, and even in the bleak grayness of her room, I could see the concern in her eyes. “Dream? About what?”
God, why did she have to ask that? There was no way on Earth I could tell her. There was just no way to explain it without making myself look bad. Or making my subconscious look bad, at any rate, since that was a completely unauthorized dream. If I could, I’d fire somebody.
“I don’t really…I don’t remember much. It’s fuzzy.” I felt horrible lying to her, but in this case, it was the absolute right call. Sometimes the truth opened a door that couldn’t be shut again.
Kenzie frowned, like she could sense the deceit, and I silently begged her not to pry. Don’t make me confess what you don’t want to know. Like she’d heard my plea, she smiled and leaned down to kiss me. “Well, you don’t need to worry about the boogey man, I’m here to protect you.”
My ears picked up a slight emphasis on the words, “I’m here.” It was subtle, but she was definitely stressing the fact that she was the one in bed with me, in a relationship with me. That she was the one who hadn’t abandoned me. I know. And I love you so much for that.
I couldn’t say that to her without confessing my small sin, so instead, I cupped her cheek and drew her mouth back to me. “I love you so much,” I said between tender kisses.
“I love you too…so much.” Her kiss grew more frantic after her words, more passionate, like she was trying to show me how much she cared, then she slipped her leg over mine and repositioned herself so she was straddling my hips. I already knew she loved me, and she didn’t need to do this to prove it, but I had something to show her too, so I pulled her hips into mine and let her deepen the kiss.
With her rubbing against me, I was hard in an instant, straining against my underwear. Kenzie moaned as she rocked against me. Sitting up, she pushed her chest out to me and dropped her head back. I took the opportunity to reach out and feel her firm breast through the fabric of her light tank top. Her rigid nipple called to me like a beacon, and I desperately wanted it in my mouth. Sliding my fingers up her ribs, taking the top with it, I slowly exposed the tender flesh. Kenzie’s gaze returned to me, and with a small smile on her face, she lowered her breast to my lips. A groan escaped me when I felt that hard peak in my mouth. I rolled my tongue around it, savoring it, cherishing it. Kenzie sucked in a quick breath, then dug her hips into mine, hard.
As the pleasure ripped through me, my mouth parted and her breast escaped me. Kenzie quickly ripped off her shirt, then circled her hips in a pattern that was going to make me lose control if I didn’t pull my shit together. I could not come before I’d even entered her. Wanting to drive her wild before she sent me over the edge, I slid my hand between our bodies, searching for that warm wetness I loved so much.
I slowly slid my finger between her legs. Kenzie cried out, gripping my shoulders so hard I thought I might be bruised tomorrow. “Fuck, you’re so wet…you feel so good.” I wasn’t sure if this was the right moment for dirty talk, but I couldn’t stop myself from saying it, and it felt great to tell her the truth.
Kenzie made some incoherent noise as I traced a slow circle around her core. Then I
heard her mumble, “I need you.” There was so much sincerity in the sentence, that I pulled my hand away and rolled her onto her back.
Looking down into her eyes, I lovingly told her, “I need you too.” I prayed she understood that I didn’t mean sex. Very few people understood me like she did—our interests, our competitiveness, our tragic pasts, our fiery passion—it was like she was designed specifically for me. Thank God fate had put us on a path toward each other.
A warm look softened Kenzie’s eyes as she stared up at me. Doing my best to not break eye contact, I pulled off her underwear, then my own. Once we were bare, I slid inside her. Then I had to close my eyes—the sensation was so great, I had no choice. “Oh God,” I heard her say beneath me. I internally echoed the sentiment. Nothing felt as good as being buried inside her; in this, too, it was like we were built for one another.
To make this connection last, I kept the pace slow and steady, almost tortuous. Kenzie was writhing before too long, panting with need. Her desire fed my own, and I reluctantly picked up the pace; I never wanted this to end. As we drove into each other, the building pressure inside me told me I wasn’t going to last for long. Just let her come first, please. Adjusting our hips, I tried a different angle. Kenzie’s mouth popped open, and she whispered my name followed by three yeses. Then her head dropped back and her body stiffened. A long, erotic cry left her, and I hungrily devoured the sounds and sight of the wondrous woman beneath me. God, she was amazing.
I forced myself to wait until her orgasm was almost through before plunging deep into her, working on my own release. It didn’t take long to find the exact right trigger point, and I groaned in relief and ecstasy when the buildup finally exploded into a euphoric climax.
Kenzie wrapped her arms around me as I came, and a feeling of belonging swept over me. My dream was wrong…this was home.