"What? I don't care what his P.E. teacher says! He's not the one whose 17th century snuff box just got turned into a James T. Kirk communicator!"
"You must admit, the lid does flip open like one."
"What?"
"Besides, you never used it for anything, it was always empty."
"It's an antique! Not a toy!"
Don's wife passed him a ham sandwich.
"Thanks. Look, I don't care what you say, he's not right in the head. I'm calling Doctor Leanstein."
"If you must, darling. But really, I think you're just as much to blame as anyone."
He put the phone down before having a chance to dial.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I'm as liberal as a wife can be, but there will come a point where I'll have to make a stand."
Don stood up in his pink negligee and matching silk brassiere and knickers.
"What are you talking about?"
40 (Grudge 2) - The Hungry Shark
(Kahlúa, motherboard, told from the POV of a shark looking for a meal, must be written in 'Terza Rima')
Where is my food, it was here yesterday,
This isn't how it's meant to be, is it?
I hope I'll find some, but is this the new way?
That new kid on the block, he's a real git,
Maybe he ate the fish, well, what a friend.
But if it was him, I'm gonna have a fit.
If I find out it was him, he won't attend
My next birthday, that'll be in the fjord.
If I had my way, he'd never ever mend.
I'd call my cousin, a fish with a big sword,
He'd slice him, and shove him in a tuba.
Or squash him so flat, he'd be a motherboard.
Or perhaps I can think of something newer.
Blend him up and put him in (without head)
A cocktail with a layer of Kahlúa.
Oh, where the hell is the food, is it all dead?
Do I look under stones, or under slugs?
If it goes on like this, I'll go to my bed.
Did they die of diseases, or cuts or bugs?
Did they go on holiday, Spain or France?
Or is it the case that I'm just a big mug?
This emptiness reminds me, that special dance
With the fish of dreams, one and only Hayle.
It ended with me doing a stupid prance.
Sprat, eel, hake, cod, tuna, flounder or fishtail,
I'm missing them so much, I can't tell you.
I think I'll write a list and send it by mail.
My hunger, it grows, my lips are going blue.
But there's no food to eat, not over here.
So the rest of the group are suffering too?
The last big fish I ate was not so near.
It was a huge Conger oceanicus.
I might have to swim some miles, I fear.
If I'm dumb, not careful or meticulous
I won't get a bite, or nothing to eat.
And the fall from grace would be so stupendous.
I've even had a nibble of human feet
In warmer waters, blue, close to the shore.
But I tell you now, It wasn't such a treat.
So disgusting, I didn't want anymore,
Those humans made a big fuss over it.
The way they reacted, hurt me to the core.
I even miss that stupid clown fish's wit,
The seaslugs walking with that silver trail,
And the sight of the Octopus' deep pit.
Where the hell is all the food? I feel frail.
Is there a party I don't know about?
I think I'm in trouble, I'm going quite pale.
Will I ever get food, I'm starting to doubt,
My teeth are even beginning to itch.
Oh, here comes that new kid, what a fat lout.
He's such a crafty one, I don't trust his twitch.
But what can I see? A little backpack?
I would love a cheese and cuccumber sandwich.
What? Hey? He has no food, no scrap? Nothing, not even a snack?
Oh, what the hell, I'm going over there to give him a whack.
41 - Strange Awakening
(The Antikythera Mechanism, voodoo witch doctor, Kryptonite, Houndstooth shoes)
"Come on, it'll be fun."
"I know a lot better things to do than go and visit that voodoo witch doctor uncle of yours."
"Voodoo? Ah, that's just rubbish, that is!"
Kevin rang the bell and I stood there wondering why. He'd mentioned his crazy uncle before but I'd never thought of him before now. Even the bell had a deep sinister ring to it. Was I frightened? The front door swung open, showing a dark hall inside.
"Okay, so he does a bit of the old Tarot cards, but no sticking pins in dolls and stuff. He doesn't do black magic, he does...I dunno really."
The wallpaper in the hall stopped me in my tracks. It had a strange look to it, some mathematical geometric pattern to it, rather like my mother's old Houndstooth shoes.
"Hey! Dave!"
"What? Hello."
"This is my uncle Jake."
"Nice to meet you, Dave."
I shook his hand but they continued to stare, with Kevin's uncle smiling.
"Sorry, but what's the problem?"
"You."
"What about me?"
"Dave, you've been staring at my wall for well over half an hour."
"What?"
The man was completely mad. I turned to Kevin who looked worried. He nodded his head in agreement.
"I'd say forty minutes."
"Ah, come one, you're kidding me. I haven't."
Kevin's uncle Jake walked into the first room to the right, and both myself and Kevin followed him. I had no idea what game they were playing, I had to be wary.
"Dave, please sit here."
"Why?"
"It's clear to me that you are susceptible to the 'powers' beyond."
"Powers beyond? What is this?"
"My tessellation wallpaper in the hall showed that you have a weakness, shall we say, to fall into a trance."
"Eh?"
"It is your paranormal 'Kryptonite', so to speak."
"Hey?"
"Let me show you."
I moved away from the chair but Kevin placed a hand on my shoulder.
"Dave, this is so rare, man. I've never seen anyone do that before."
"My nephew is right. Very few people are affected as much as you. Perhaps you have a hidden gift. If you allow me, I can help you..."
"This is rubbish."
I went to leave.
"Dave, please, he's not going to hurt you."
This was all nonsense, a silly prank Kevin had set up for me. I'd already cottoned on to their little scam. But why not see where it led?
"Okay."
I sat down and Kevin's uncle Jake took out a pocketwatch.
"Now, follow the movement...."
"What the hell is that?"
Kevin's face was staring at something on the table. It was a drawing, complex in design.
"It looks like some kind of clock, see the gears and levers?"
Kevin's uncle took a closer look but gave it back, baffled.
"It's the Antikythera Mechanism, an astronomical clock. Though you'd probably think of it more as an analog computer." Was that me talking? "I don't understand, where did it come from?"
"You drew it, Dave, it's your drawing."
"Is it?"
42 (Grudge 3) - Damn Injun
(supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, buried silver julep cup, there must be two main characters and one must be responsible for the death of the other, synchronous fireflies (photinus carolinus))
"You gonna be long, Wasichu?"
"Just hold onto that rope, injun."
Diwali stood on the clifftop overlooking his forefathers' territory, the 'land of the blue mist', and held the Wasichu's weight. His ol' grandpappy would've
loved the view.
"If you're bored why dontcha sing one of them fine injun songs of yours?"
He looked down and watched the Wasichu hammering into the rockface. It was amazing the man could still see in this fading light.
"I don't like them, never did. I prefer musicals. Anything Julie Andrews. 'Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious', that's my favourite."
"Well, don't start singing that one. Almost done. I'm getting to it."
"What are you getting to, Wasichu? Why did you bring me all the way out here and make me miss my re-run of 'Victoria's Secret Fashion Show'?"
"My name's Dirk. Shut your mouth and I'll pay you well."
"'Well'. My grandpappy used to say 'do a good thing, do it well'."
"Is that an old Cherokee saying?"
"No. He smoked the pipe too much, he always opened his mouth and said something. He lived up to his name of 'Chattering Little Woodpecker'."
Diwali lost his footing for a second and a shower of rocks fell.
"Hey! Watch it! I almost lost my book!"
"Sorry, Wasichu. What book? Why do you have a book when you are hanging from a clifftop on a rope held by an 'injun'?"
"This book..."
As though Diwali could see it in the dark.
"...this book was my great-grandpappy's diary. In it he describes how he stole the silver Julep cup of John Quincy Adams, the 6th President of the United States of America, and hid it in this specific cliff-face at this certain height in a sealed leather pouch."
Diwali didn't know how to respond to that. His family did weird things: rituals, dances, dressing up in old costumes, but these Wasichus...
"Why?"
"Because Adams was a damn Yankee! How dare he drink a Southern cocktail of our fine bourbon whiskey!"
"Mmm, I see."
"And, and it's worth a goddam fortune!"
"How much you paying me for this?"
"Enough. Now hold on, I've almost...yes! I can feel something! Hey, injun, you gotta light?"
"I don't smoke."
"No, a light, a torch!"
"If you wait a little, there'll be some fireflies coming along soon. It's the season for them. They like this spot."
"Fireflies? Photinus carolinus?"
"Those flying insects with flames in their butts."
"Yes, synchronous fireflies. Really?"
"No, I like to open my mouth as did my grandpappy. Yes. See?"
Diwali watched as a swarm of fireflies gathered close by and flew slowly across the cliff-face as if by magic.
"Great! Okay, I'm done here! Haul me up, injun!"
"My grandpappy used to say 'do a good thing, do...'."
"'...it well.' Yeah, just pull me up, injun."
"He also said 'do a bad thing, do it quick.'"
"What?"
Diwali let go of the rope and watched the Wasichu fall to his death. He'd collect the cup later, after the re-run on TV.
43 - 2456 - A Space Pomposity
(Voyager Spacecraft (satellite), female MMA fighter, needle and thread, 10′ long, 12″ diameter PVC pipe)
"I can’t believe that I have to do this.”
Jane Rose 244 pulled the last stitch through the deep circular wound in her leg and made a knot with the remainder of thread.
"’Needs must’ as your ancestors used to say,” remarked Pal 1150. "Was the dose enough, Jane 244?”
"Yes, Pal, I didn’t feel a thing, thanks.”
She put the needle and thread back into her deceased colleague’s sewing kit and allowed it to float away along with other items in the compartment.
"It’s Lucky Dora loved sewing.”
"I apologise for the situation, Jane 244. It appears very few of my functions are working to their required capacity. Maintenance teams are down.”
Jane took a look at the destruction and chaos in the compartment, finally resting her eyes on the 10’ long 12” diameter PVC pipe which used to be the main ventilation pipe until it became imbedded in the top of her leg. The last few 100 light years were hell.
"Any news on the others, Pal?”
"I apologise but there are no other life signs onboard.”
She could see Dora 457’s body floating below in zero gravity, her head severed by a cable.
"Stephen 116?”
"There are no other life signs.”
It was Stephen who’d spotted the anomoly, but too late. Their light drive had flipped out from the set course and the ship filled with sirens and flashing red lights. She couldn’t remember what happened next, but she’d woken to immense pain in her leg and found that she was impaled on the ventilation pipe.
"Any chance of some gravity, Pal?”
"In your condition, Jane 244, it is best if you stay in zero gravity. Your injury is in your femoral artery. If I was able to turn gravity back on, which I am not, then you would suffer more, even with your rudimentary treatment.”
"Rudimentary? I’ll have you know I was well respected for my stitching. I’ve done better, I’d admit, but this is pretty good.”
"My records show that you have no medical experience, Jane 244.”
"Did some stitching back in the MMA, many, many years ago.”
She pushed herself off the wall and headed for the control panel. There was a particularly interesting green one flashing.
"Yes, the MMA. Were you a good MMA fighter, Jane 244?”
"I wouldn’t say that, but I could hold my own.”
"A dislocated shoulder, smashed kneecap and minor facial injuries.”
"Thanks for that, Pal.”
"You’re welcome, Jane 244. I have some good news.”
"Good news? Bring it on.”
"Unfortunately my functions are limited. I cannot bring anything on."
"Give me the good news, Pal."
"Yes, Jane 244. We have achieved a new record for deep space travel, surpassing Voyager 1 by a mere 1000 AU.”
"Yippie. What’s this green button, Pal?”
"Which green button, Jane 244? ”
"This one.”
"Unfortunately my functions are limited. I cannot tell you what green button you are talking about, Jane 244."
"I see this is going to be a long ride."
44 - The trouble with twins
(child's wagon, bug zapper, cranberries, faded dragon slayer manual)
"Now boys, you did a bad thing, a very bad thing. I want you to know that."
Those twins, always getting into trouble. I never thought much to it before, boys will be boys, but this time they'd gone way too far. They sat there, on the sofa, looking at the floor and kicking their legs. They didn't care. It was like water off a duck's back.
"I want to know exactly what happened."
As usual, nothing. Not even a cough or sniff. Jess spoke up first, finally. He was the strongest willed of the two. Tom was quieter though had more brains. Neither of them had looks, unfortunately.
"We were just playing."
"Rather dangerous playing, Jess. Extremely dangerous. So?"
Silence. Let's turn to the other one.
"Tom, tell me, what is this, hey?"
He looked up from the floor and glanced at exhibit one, the faded exercise book I was holding.
"It's our dragon slayer handbook. I made it."
The pictures inside were amazing, perhaps we should enrole Tom to an Arts school after the summer. A bit too much blood and gore though, but still very good.
"A faded dragon slayer handbook. Really? Dragons?"
Oh, how I wish...to imagine dragons again would be heaven.
"It's a very old book, past down from generation to generation of dragon slayers!"
"Jess, Tom made it. It's weeks old."
Silence.
"And why do you need a dragon slayer handbook?"
"To kill dragons, of course!"
Stupid question. Exhibit two.
"What about the wagon, boys?"
"Our chariot."
"Chariot?"
<
br /> They'd borrowed the neighbour's kid's wagon. He'd left it in the garden yesterday. A child's wagon was a chariot?
"Let me guess, it's your chariot of war."
"Not really. It's just faster to travel by chariot."
"What, from the garden to the lounge?"
Silence.
"Boys, why the cranberries? A soldier's snack?"
"Warriors!"
"Sorry, warriors."
Why was I apologising?
"Cranberries are our secondary weapon! Drop a few into a sleeping dragon's mouth and it's 'Goodbye, dragon!'"
"Cranberries?"
"Yes."
They aren't the families favourite food, I admit, but to consider them poison...
"Okay, boys, I'm beginning to see the whole picture now. And this...?"
"It's our main weapon of mass destruction!"
"It kills dragons at one hundred paces!"
"Boys, it's a bug zapper. It kills flies and mosquitos at five millimetres."
Silence.
"Okay, so this is your chance, boys. Tell me what happened. Now."
"We..."
"Yes?"
"We went on a dragon hunt in our chariot."
Jess pulled Tom across the garden in the wagon.
"Through the dense forest of Petuna."
The petunia flower bed.
"And into the cave of the dragon from the east."
Into the lounge.
"We crept closer and prepared the poison."
They opened the can of cranberries.
"And dropped them into the sleeping dragon's mouth."
"Yes...?"
"The dragon woke up and tried to grab us with its sharp claws and kill us with fire!"
"Oh no."
"We used our weapon of mass destruction, shoving it deep into the dragon's soft fleshy stomach!"
"You zapped Grandma."
45 - Winter Equinox Open Elimination Round - Selfish Little Monkeys
(judge, victim, liberal, conservative)
"Greetings."
Zaxoon hated these early morning cases, they seemed to always run on into the afternoon, completely messing up his siesta.
"Sor...sorry? Where am I?"
"More to the point where am I?"
He watched the two humans for a moment. One was a liberal, the other a conservative, both from the most destructive yet influential area on the third planet.
"Order in the court!"
He banged his hammer with boredom.
"Court? I demand an attorney!"
Zaxoon pointed at the first human.
"You, liberal..."
"Democrat!"
"Whatever. You and your friend..."