I looked up and met the eyes of a very young girl standing directly in front of me. She was so tiny and beautiful; she looked to be no more than six or seven. This little girl had straight, dark brown hair that fell down to her shoulders. She was very skinny, and it was very apparent underneath the clothes she was wearing.
She was wearing a puffy, purple jacket to keep her warm. Underneath, you could see that she had a faded light blue shirt on. She wore dark blue jeans with some rips in them. They had a hole on the right knee, where you could see she had a scrape that was still bleeding. There were pink shoes on her feet that were covered in large, pink sequins. They shone like bright stars in the reflected light of the room. She had gorgeous bright green eyes that looked as if the finest jade from the most exotic of places had been placed there. She also had some dirt on her face, which starkly contrasted her pale skin.
She looked directly into my eyes with a deep, sincere smile, and asked, “Excuse me, but can I have some food?” I looked around curiously, trying to spot an oncoming parent that would take her away so I could finish the rest of my meal. I told her, “I’m sorry, but this is my food. If you wait in line with your mommy and daddy, you can get something to eat.”
She immediately replied, “Mommy got lost in the city; She has to hide at our house until it’s safe for her to come here without being hurt by the monsters; my daddy told me. Daddy’s been gone for a long time, and I don’t know where he is now.”
I didn’t know what to do. My stomach still groaned, telling me that I needed to eat the succulent piece of chicken on the edge of my fork.
Then I heard her little stomach groan intensely right in front of me. It called out to me, forcing me to bring the full fork away from my face and place it back on the plate. I looked into her hungry green eyes for a second, and my heart melted with compassion.
I looked up in order to spot a short food line so I could wait with her to get food. To my surprise, the room had no more lines. The sea of people had dispersed; each individual had returned to their cot in order to eat their meal. I stood up, looking at the nearest food table. There were no soldiers there to serve the food, and the food had been removed as well. The only thing that remained was a large sign that clearly stated, “Out of Food.” I quickly scanned the other tables spanning the room, and they all contained the same signs signifying the end of the food rush.
I turned my gaze back to the little girl. Her stomach growled intensely for a second time. I sat back down, defeated. I looked her in the eyes and reluctantly handed her the fork. Her eyes glowed with excitement as I handed my last piece of chicken to her.
She looked down and placed it in her mouth. Her face swelled to four times it size, barely holding the chicken inside. She chewed meticulously so she wouldn’t miss a single bit of flavor that the chicken held for her. She swallowed it slowly, and then returned my gaze with a grateful smile. She happily yipped, “Thanks Mister!”
I asked her what her name was and where her daddy was. She told me how her daddy had walked away while talking with one of the soldiers, leaving this poor little girl to fend for herself. I continued to speak with this little girl, asking her various questions.
I learned a lot about her in the few minutes we spent talking. I found out these things: she was six and three quarters years old, her favorite color was green because it made her eyes look even prettier, her favorite food was brownies, she liked to dance, she had a pet frog that died a long time ago, she didn’t have any siblings, she played soccer this past summer, she could play the piano, and she was still afraid of the dark unless she could sleep with her favorite teddy bear.
She unzipped her puffy jacket and pulled out a worn teddy bear. It had shaggy fur, buttons for eyes, and a large heart shaped patch sewn onto its stomach. It also had a smile that spread ear to ear on its large, round face.
She told me she’d had it since her second birthday. I looked in astonishment at this well preserved bear and thought about how nice it would be to have it there with her every night, watching over her as she slept. After a few more seconds, she stuffed the bear back into her jacket and zipped it up to her chin.
I felt sleep creep up behind my eyelids, making them heavy. I decided it was time for me to go back to my room and try to rest. But what about the girl? I couldn’t just leave her there alone. I forced the sleep out of my eyes and asked her, “How about we go look for your daddy?” She excitedly consented.
We walked across the floor, making our way through the maze of cots. We reached the stairway and headed down. We landed on the first floor, where nobody was to be found. We walked across the room and stepped into the cold air outside. It was evening, and one could see the sun setting just beyond the high walls of the base.
I felt a small, cold hand slip its way into my right palm. I looked over to my right, meeting the eyes of the little girl. She had a shy smile on her face. I gave her a nice big smile to calm her and said, “Okay. You stay close to me and we’ll go find your daddy.”
We began to walk across the compound, over to the second building. There really was no other place for her father to be; the base was only so big. The night air crept through my skin, sending shivers through my entire body. I stopped in my path and took a second to gaze at the warm sunset declining over the nearest wall. It was a sight to see.
The large half circle creeping behind the wall was a bright yellow color. It illuminated the surrounding sky in a flurry of pink, orange, red, and violet, creating within me a sense of awe that I’d never felt before. Could things this beautiful still exist in the midst of all the ugliness happening just beyond the compound’s walls? I felt the little girl tug at my sleeve, signifying she was ready to move on.
My eyes returned to the building on the other side of the compound. This building was very similar to the building we departed from. It stood as a dark entity in the shadow of the setting sun. A few lit windows glowed in the darkness, showing somebody had to be over there for us to talk to. We finished the short walk to the large front doors of the building.
There was a plaque just above the door that read: “Loyalty and Honor. Sacrifice for the sake of the many. This is our creed. Let us live and die to uphold the standard to which we are held.” I read the plaque two or three times, trying to understand the true meaning of what the words were trying to say.
How could anyone truly live those words, especially in a world like ours? I couldn’t think of any answers then, but now I can see full well the wealth of answers that lie before me that day.
I turned my gaze back to the large wooden doors of the building. I grabbed the iron latch and opened up the door. We entered into another large office building. The room was full of cubicles, constructing a maze that needed a navigator if we were ever going to find the girl’s father. I spotted a woman carrying a stack of papers into one of the nearest cubicles; She’d be our best bet.
We walked over to the entrance of the cubicle and peeked inside. The woman was sitting in a padded armchair, typing on a computer. I cleared my throat obnoxiously, and after a few moments of waiting, she turned around to face us. She looked at me with a warm smile and said, “Excuse me, but can I help you?” I answered, “Yes. We’re looking for this girl’s father. He’s been missing and we need to find him as soon as possible.”
She gave me an understanding nod and motioned us to sit in the chairs that stood against the back wall of the cubicle. Once we’d taken seats, the woman turned her attention from me to the girl. She asked her routine questions: what her name was, where she was from, what her father’s name was, where she last saw him, and various other questions. The girl answered every question quickly and excitedly, maybe in hope of finding her father as soon as possible with her help.
The woman finished questioning her and thanked her for her cooperation. She turned back to her desk and began to fumble through the drawers. She turned back to the girl and handed her a bright green lollipop. She took it excitedly while belting out a loud “T
hank you!”
The woman turned her attention back to me as the little girl ecstatically threw the lollipop into her mouth. She told me we would need to travel to the second floor of the building to find someone who could help us find the girl’s father more quickly. Then she affirmed the girl’s hopes by saying, “The base is only so big. We shouldn’t have any trouble finding your father.” I gratefully thanked her for her assistance before our departure.
I grabbed the little girl’s hand in mine and led her out of this cubicle, on into the maze filling the room. We met various dead ends and repeated turns as I tried to lead us through. I had to stop at one point and have a man point us in the right direction. Finally, we made it thought the maze and up the stairway on the far side. At the top of the stairs was a large, metallic door that contained a nameplate reading: “Storage.” We turned to look at each other, dumbfounded that the woman would send us to a storage room when anyone who could help us was on the floor we’d just left. I shrugged my shoulders and hesitantly opened the door.
It opened to the entire second floor of the building, revealing a storage room that’d been converted into a set of offices. On the left side of the room, there were some lighted desks where people in uniforms sat. On the right side of the room was a large section where supplies were being stored and stacked on various racks. We stepped in and walked across the blank white floor to the nearest desk. We came up to an older woman sitting at a desk who motioned us to have a seat. We sat in the stiff wooden chairs and waited for her to respond to us again.
I looked down at the little girl, who returned my gaze with a large, green smile. She was twirling the lollipop in her mouth and dyeing her whole mouth green. She pulled it out of her mouth and proudly declared, “It’s yummy!” Then she placed the lollipop back in her mouth and waited for the woman’s response once again.
After a few minutes of shuffling papers, the woman turned her attention towards us and asked, “How can I help you this fine evening?”
I told her all of the information the little girl told the woman downstairs. Then I took a second to ask her to help us find the girl’s father. After listening intently to my story, she simply said, “Follow me.”
She stood up and motioned us to follow her as she walked away. We followed her out of the storage room and back down the stairs. We turned a few corners, becoming more and more lost in the maze’s depths each time.
Finally, we came to a stop with a man sitting alone in the nearest cubicle. Immediately, the little girl ran into the man’s arms while exclaiming a garbled, “Daddy! Daddy! We found you!”
After the initial warm embrace with this rugged looking man, she pulled herself away, spit the finished lollipop out of her mouth, and scolded him. She said harshly, “Why’d you leave me alone? You meanie! I was so worried about you! Don’t you ever leave me alone ever again!”
It warmed my heart to see that she’d finally found her father.
I turned and thanked the woman for her help. She took her leave, disappearing behind the nearest corner. I turned my attention back to the little girl and her father.
After another scolding, and a few long apologies, the man took her out of his lap and came up to me. He was a small, stocky man with large rimmed glasses. He had specks of gray in his black, glossy hair. I saw his muscles bulging out of the red shirt that was obviously too tight for his build. His face looked hardened, like that of the construction workers I’d seen in town. He wore blue jeans that were quite faded. He looked at me, gave me a large, toothy smile, and extended his hand towards me. I shook his dry, calloused hand while returning his smile with my own.
He told me, “Thank you so much for looking after my girl. I thought I’d lost her for good. After getting lost in my conversation with the soldier, I looked everywhere for her. Ultimately, I was sent here to wait until someone found my daughter and brought her back to me. Again, thank you so much!”
I told him no thanks was necessary, I was just there to help. Still, he was relentless with his gratitude, thanking me again for the deed I performed. After a brief conversation about the state of things going on outside the walls of the base, I suggested we make our way back to the other building for bedtime.
The father took his little girl by the hand, and we attempted to navigate ourselves out of the maze we’d been stranded in. I led the way as we continually turned wrong corners, retracing our steps and trying different routes until we ultimately found the front of the building once again. We exited through the doors of the building, back into the cool night outside.
We walked across the compound in silence, gazing up at the bright stars now spanning the wide expanse of sky. I’d never been much of a star gazer, but that night the stars seemed to shine brighter than usual as they smiled down on the three of us. We watched the stars until we made it back to the front doors of the compound’s other building.
We entered the lobby and made our way up the stairs just in time to hear a nearby soldier exclaim, “Lights out in ten minutes! Make sure to find your way to your cots and get settled for the night!”
I led the way back to the wooden chair I’d sat in when I met the little girl. When we reached the chair, the father said, “Good. Nobody’s taken our cots. Good night’s sleep coming up!” At the mention of sleep, my eyelids began to get heavy. My body became lethargic, reminding me how badly I needed to return to the sleep I’d given up in order to help the little girl.
I sat down in the chair and waited to make sure the man and his daughter got settled before heading back to my little room in the hallways of the building. The man picked up his daughter and placed her on the cot across from me. He pulled the blankets up to her chin and gave her a kiss on the forehead. He began to step away when her little hand grasped his pant leg.
He turned back to his daughter as she said, “Will you still be here? You promise not to leave again?” He replied, “Of course, sweetie. I won’t ever leave your side again. Now get some sleep.” She turned over and began to snore before the man reached the other side of the aisle to talk to me.
He sat down on the floor next to me, his sturdy back supporting him against the wall. He gazed off in the direction of his daughter. After a few moments, he said aloud, “It’s been hard on her since her mother went missing. I had to tell her that she was safe so she wouldn’t get alarmed. Now, I don’t know what to tell her. I know in my heart that my wife’s gone. I can feel it in my soul. It’s like a rubber band that’s stretched until it breaks; I held onto the lie that she was okay for as long as I could, but I know without a shadow of a doubt she’s either dead or one of those monsters in town.
Either way, I’ve lost her. We’ve lost her. The rubber band’s snapped, and I can tell you, it hurts more than I ever thought possible. I have to tell her that her mother is still okay because I can’t bear to see that innocent little girl go through any more pain.”
My thoughts turned to my own family. I knew he was doing the right thing by hiding the truth from his daughter. If only I could hide things like that from myself. I wished I was naïve enough to believe my wife and child were still alive. I wanted desperately to live with the vain hope that everything would be okay, to feel life flow within my heart again.
I put my hand to the left side of my chest, making sure I still had a pulse. I could feel my heartbeat fueling my body, but inside myself I knew I no longer had a heart. All that remained was a black hole full of regret and failure.
I tried to hold back the tears welling up in my eyes. I managed to take control of myself enough to tell him, “You’re doing the right thing. Don’t let her experience that kind of pain. It’s too much at her age. I think I better go get some rest. I’ll come back and find you guys in the morning. Have a good night.”
The man looked up at me and gave me a nod of approval. I didn’t wait for him to get up. I turned away, made it through the labyrinth of cots, and came to where I’d entered the room with the kind nurse. I stepped throu
gh the large doors and began to walk down the hallway.
Tears began to flow down my face, creating small clear rivulets in my dirty, unclean skin. I found my room and stepped in. I closed the door and locked it behind me. I walked over to the empty cot and let my legs crumble beneath me. I shook the room as I crashed onto the cot.
I looked around the room at the posters and pictures of the soldiers surrounding me. They were laughing at me, mocking my failure to protect all that I’d loved in the world. My mind raced, telling me it was entirely my fault. Heaping sobs racked my body, making my whole being shake; It hurt everywhere. My mind was pounding as my whole body heaved in a deep, inconsolable grief.
I don’t know how long I cried, but the sobs were the last thing I remember before I woke up to the screams.
Tape #6