“That’s good.” Reaching back into the bag, she pulled out a six-pack of root beer. “I didn’t get any booze,” she said. “I had a feeling you probably wouldn’t want any and Paul doesn’t drink.”
“That’s fine,” he said. “Yeah, I think I’ve had enough head pain to last me a while. I’ll stick to sugar.” He cracked the can and took a long drink. The root beer was warm, but he didn’t mind.
“Most of the food’s gone bad in the kitchen,” she said. “But I managed to find some peanut butter and crackers.” She turned the bag over and dumped it on the bed. It was mostly junk—potato chips and chocolate bars—but there were also a few wrinkled apples, along with the aforementioned peanut butter and box of saltines.
“Wow,” he said.
He didn’t touch the food. His stomach was too jumpy, so he stuck with the root beer and ended up swallowing a few of the Advil just to play it safe.
Paul and Chickadee divvied up the crackers, sticking their fingers in the peanut butter since she’d forgotten to grab a knife. They ate in silence for a while, the candle flickering softly on the bedside table.
“We’d like to come with you,” Paul said eventually.
“Huh?” He’d been absorbed in his own thoughts.
“We want to go west,” Paul said.
Mason stared at him blankly.
“We’re not really heading north,” Chickadee said. “I mean, we want to, but we don’t really know where Paul’s uncle lives. We don’t even have an address. I guess it’s just kinda a pipe dream?”
“Oh.” Mason shrugged. “I guess that doesn’t help.”
“But if we go with you, at least we’d be together,” Chickadee said. “We like you. Paul and I. We’d be safer as a group.”
Mason shrugged.
“We don’t take up much space,” Chickadee said, sensing his reluctance. “Really, Paul may be a giant, but he’s quite quiet. You won’t even notice he’s here. I’m a different story. I have this habit of talking endlessly, but most people find it charming. Why else would I be named after the cutest bird in history?”
“It’s not that,” he said. “I’m just not sure it’s a good idea.” How could he tell them the truth? That he didn’t want them to come because of his darkness. He didn’t deserve company. He wanted to be left alone so he didn’t have to watch out for others and take care of anyone else too. He could be tougher by himself.
“Three pairs of eyes are better than one.”
Mason swallowed.
Chickadee leaned in close. She continued to stare at him, refusing to blink. He couldn’t help it; he broke into a smile.
“See,” she said, leaning back and grinning, too. “You can’t resist me.”
He glanced over at Paul, but the taller guy didn’t seem to be paying him any attention. Looking out the window, Mason figured he was obviously happy enough letting her do the negotiating. Paul knew what Mason was just learning for himself. Chickadee was good at getting her own way.
“So you want to go west, then?” he asked.
“West is warmer than north,” Paul said. “Hell, it’s warmer than here, even with the Chinooks. It’s gonna be cold soon. Polar bear cold. I think we should head for the coast. Vancouver’s really the best place to be. It doesn’t get cold there. Mostly just a lot of rain. It’ll get us through the winter alive.”
Chickadee nodded. Her mouth was full of peanut butter. She chewed several times and swallowed. “I love Vancouver. I haven’t been there in about two years. I’d love a chance to swim in the ocean again.”
“Okay,” Mason said. “Let’s do it.”
He’d worry about everything else later. It’s not like he couldn’t leave them if things went downhill.
“I’m so excited,” Chickadee said. “This is the first time in a long while I’ve felt happy about something.”
“Me too,” Mason said, and he was surprised because it was true.
The next morning they gathered in the lobby, where Mason grabbed a map book from the gift shop. There were only a few roads between Calgary and the coast. They’d have to be careful.
NOTHING
I’m back.
I think I missed me.
There’s blood under my fingernails. Dried on my clothing; matted in my hair; stained on my shoes. It’s seeped through my skin, mixed with my own DNA, and I’ve absorbed all of its power.
I’m pretty sure it’s not mine.
Life is a blur. I go in and out of time. The gray light takes over my body, eats my mind, and leaves me with the voices. I hear them. They curl up inside my frontal cortex and force all the warmth from my blood. Existence. Am I existing?
Why am I conscious when so many others are not? Are they doing this on purpose, and if so, why? Or is my brain wired differently from the average person’s? What makes me stronger? Sometimes I wake up, and even if just for a moment, I’m aware of the things I’ve done. I’m pretty sure there aren’t a lot who go back and forth the way I do. If all of them are having the same moments of clarity, I think there would be less killing. Less destruction. I can barely live with myself.
I wish I could stop remembering. I don’t want to remember. If they’re going to steal my mind and control my body, why do they insist on giving me occasional freedom? If I must kill, then why do they torture me with blow-by-blow replays?
The girl. I remember her. So young. So pretty. I wanted to help her, but I can’t be trusted. She was confused and I understand that. She wanted to be a part of something good. But I could see her darkness. The potential to kill was already inside her soul. She was no different from the others, only she didn’t see it yet.
Eventually they will come to all of us. The chaos they’ve created will transform to a new world order.
Death will be a dream.
ARIES
“I’m not doing it.”
“You agreed. Just like the rest of us.”
“I changed my mind.”
They sat in a half circle in a tiny one-bedroom apartment on the second floor. Jack was in the middle, holding a cardboard box with all their names thrown in. The rules were simple, and everyone agreed to it. Three names would be drawn, whoever got picked would take the trip. They were running out of food. This needed to be done.
Joy’s name was the first drawn. She didn’t say a word.
Aries’s name came next. She’d planned it that way with Jack when she first approached him about the idea.
“Make sure you put my name somewhere you can easily pull it,” she said. “I’m not sending them off without me. Consider me a silent volunteer.”
“Let me come too, then.” Jack brushed a strand of sandy brown hair from his eyes. “You’re not going without me.”
“No,” she said. “You need to stay here in case I don’t come back. So make sure you don’t pick yourself.”
Anyway, that was the plan. They all agreed. With Joy and Aries on the list, they needed only one more. But Colin wasn’t so eager when his name was chosen last.
“I’m not doing it,” he said.
“Christ, I’ll go,” Nathan said. He took the box from Jack and started searching for his name. “I don’t mind. I want to go.”
“No,” Aries said. “We all agreed. He can’t go back on his word.”
“I’ve got a cold,” Colin said. “I’m not leaving this building unless I’m in perfect health. It’s too risky.”
“It’s one excuse after the other with you,” Eve said. She lowered her voice to try to match Colin’s tone. “I’m too tired. I can’t cook. I don’t wanna!”
“Eve, stop it,” Nathan said.
“I’m just tired of it,” Eve said. “He’s not very useful. And now he’s going to screw everyone else because he’s a coward.”
Colin jumped to his feet. “You take that back.”
“Make me.”
“Children!” Jack jumped in between them. “Play nice. I’ll go. I’ll take Colin’s place.”
“No,” Aries said.
“Okay, this needs to end,” Nathan said calmly. “It’s not worth the argument. I’m going and that’s final.”
Aries nodded at him. Nathan was right. Lately Colin picked a fight over every suggestion. He never wanted to do anything or be helpful. He wouldn’t take a guard shift at night; instead he made excuses about how tired he was. He wouldn’t help search the rooms for useful items; it was Joy who found the bicycles in the storage room. The world may have changed, but Colin hadn’t. He was arrogant as always; being difficult was just another day for him. Of course, he wasn’t the only one. They were all at each other’s throats these days. Blame it on the lack of food, lack of space, lack of comfort, the inability to remain calm and collected. But Colin seemed to go out of his way to work the others into a pissing frenzy.
Nathan was right. It wasn’t worth the argument.
“Fine,” she said. “Nathan, Joy, and I will make the trip.”
Jack slammed the box down on the table and left the room.
Aries started to chase after him and then stopped herself. She couldn’t make everyone happy and she was tired of having the peace-keeping job. Jack would cool off on his own. There were more important matters to deal with.
“Let’s plan this, then,” she said.
“I’m going to go make some tea,” Eve said. “Anyone want?”
Eve left with her orders. Aries stared at Colin, who sat back down on the floor and started leafing through an old magazine. He acted as if the argument never happened, as if he hadn’t just forced Nathan to make a trip that he’d agreed to when he put his name in the box. It was Alice in Wonderland all over again, with Colin making a scene because everything wasn’t going according to his plan.
Finally she turned her back on Colin and sat down with Joy and Nathan. She would be the bigger person. She’d get over it. Being this annoyed was terrible. It was a side of herself she didn’t like seeing. Plus it was too exhausting, and she needed to save her strength.
“I’m thinking we should take the bikes,” she said. “They’re in good shape, Jack looked them over. We’ll be faster that way—but more in the open.”
“What happens if we find other normal people?” Nathan said. “I think you’re right. There’s got to be lots out there.”
“That’s why I want to pick up some handheld receivers. If we’re going to start searching the city, we need to keep in touch.”
“Agreed,” Joy said. “Let’s make a list of the important things besides food. Less stinky blankets for one. I need a coat, too. And let’s not forget weapons. We need to arm ourselves.”
“We all need coats,” Nathan said. “This could get heavy. Are you sure we can manage with bikes? We could steal a car. Anyone know how to hot-wire?”
Colin snickered.
Aries ignored him. “Cars are loud. Might as well slap a Here I Am sticker on our foreheads. They’ll follow the sound. If we can make it in without them knowing, we’ll have more time to shop. I don’t want us getting trapped inside.”
“And we don’t want to drag them back here either,” Joy agreed. “So far they haven’t found us. I’d like to keep it that way.”
“Me too,” Aries said.
“Okay,” Nathan said. “Bikes it is. Maybe we can get some of those large camping backpacks. That way we can take more stuff.”
Colin snickered again.
“Do you have something you’d like to say?” Aries asked.
“Nope,” Colin said, never taking his eyes off the magazine. “You’re doing just fine. Keep on planning. If you find any hot female survivors, send them my way. I could use a change of scenery.”
“Why are you even here?” Joy asked. “You’ve made it clear you don’t want to be a part of this. So why don’t you just take off? Go read somewhere else. I don’t want to look at you.”
Colin threw the magazine aside and jumped to his feet. “Wish granted,” he said before disappearing into the hallway.
“He’s horrible,” Joy whispered after he stormed off. “He complains about everything and everyone. Yesterday he screamed at me because the coffee’s gone. I don’t even drink coffee.”
“He’s having trouble adjusting,” Aries said. “I think he … misses Sara too.”
“If he’s so miserable he should just leave.”
“Where would he go?”
“Right now I don’t care.”
Aries didn’t either, but she kept her comments to herself.
Part of her wished that she’d never gone to the school. She should have ignored Daniel’s warnings and tried finding her parents. She might have reached them or ended up someplace completely different, with people she’d never met before. People who didn’t constantly remind her of everything she’d lost. She still couldn’t look at Colin and not see Sara. No, that wasn’t fair. Both Joy and Jack were good people; together they’d helped one another. She couldn’t have come this far without them.
She had to take the good with the bad. She’d put up with Colin because no one else would. She’d continue to defend him because they were a group and they had to stay a group in order to survive. If things got to the point where they started turning their backs on each other and kicking people onto the street, well, then they weren’t any better than the monsters.
“Let’s go take a look at the bikes,” Nathan said, trying his best to change the subject.
“Okay,” Joy said. “I get the blue one.”
Night came quickly.
Aries had a list. It was tucked away in her jeans pocket. Nathan and Joy each had one too. They discussed it for hours, trying to reduce the necessary items to the bare essentials. No point in carrying what they didn’t absolutely need. If they pulled this off successfully, then they’d try again. Her job was to find clothing and sleeping bags. Nathan and Joy were on food duty.
The store was roughly eighteen blocks away. One of those big all-in-one, shop-till-you-drop, everything-under-one-gigantic-roof places. They weren’t even sure they’d be able to get inside. They didn’t know who might be there waiting or if it was still standing. The earthquake destroyed so much, and lately there’d been lots of fires. The city was covered in a smoky haze. So many what-ifs. But they had to try.
They waited behind the locked door while Jack and Eve checked to make sure the streets were empty. Aries absently squeezed the brakes on her handlebars. It was like psyching themselves up for war, bicycle messengers heading out to acquire foodstuffs to save their troops.
“I feel like I’m getting ready for a journey into hell,” Joy said. “I used to love shopping.”
“Me too,” Aries said. “But I don’t remember it being such a violent sport. Except maybe on Black Friday.”
Nathan gave them a forced grin through the murky room.
“All clear!” Eve poked her head out from the top of the stairs. “Don’t go right. A group of them just headed off in that direction. Straight ahead is clear, but there’s a lot of smoke two blocks over by the Irish Pub. Low Road’s clear. I’d head that way.”
Nathan waited while Eve raced down the stairs. It would be their first time apart since this whole ordeal began. Although she was trying hard to be strong, Aries could see the worry in her eyes. She threw her arms around him and held on tightly.
“I’ll be back,” Nathan told her when it became apparent she was having trouble releasing him.
“You’d better,” she whispered, reluctantly letting go. “I still need you.”
Nathan nodded and turned back to the group. “Let’s do it.” Reaching out, he unlocked the deadbolt and gave the iron doors a hard shove. Fresh night air swept over Aries’s face. For the first time in weeks she found herself wishing it was raining. The pelting drops would have helped cover the noise they were about to make.
“Remember,” Aries said, “if we get in trouble, split up. We’ll meet again at the back of the store. The loading docks. It’ll be darker than the parking lot. And if there’s trouble, go inside and get what you can.??
?
“Sounds good,” Nathan said.
Joy nodded.
Pushing her bike out into the street, Aries placed her foot on the pedal and lifted her leg over the saddle. The bike was small and Jack had raised the seat so that her knees wouldn’t be hitting the handlebars. He’d found a small bottle of oil in the maintenance room and spent most of the day oiling the chains to guarantee less friction.
They pushed off silently into the night. Tires crunched against the cement, but the noise was minimal. Unless they directly crossed paths with one of the killers, they’d be able to make it to the shop without being discovered. Although her heart jumped around in her chest, the muscles in her arms relaxed a little. The air cooled her face, and she inhaled deeply, such a wonderful change from the moldy apartment.
It was hard.
The earthquake destroyed a lot of the city. Most of the buildings were still somewhat attached, but glass littered the streets, and pieces of concrete and brick made everything more challenging. There were holes in the roads too, some of which sank deep into the earth.
Abandoned cars filled the streets, making it impossible to bike in a straight line. The roads became a maze in which they were forced to crawl along, weaving in and out between the silent machines. Many of the car doors were left open, adding to the obstacle course. Aries turned left to bypass a van and swerved to avoid riding straight into a mailbox.
There were bodies on the roads, on the sidewalks, in cars, on benches, everywhere. Some of them were seriously starting to decompose. The fresh air that felt so wonderful on her face began to change. The smell of rotting flesh reached her lungs and was absorbed into her clothing.
She began to breathe heavier. The ride got even harder; she was out of shape after hiding out in the apartment for the past three weeks. Her calves ached and sweat poured down her forehead and into her eyes. She kept rubbing her face, and soon her hands were slippery with perspiration. Her handlebars grew sticky. She glanced over at Nathan, who barely looked winded at all. Joy, however, lagged behind them, and Aries felt better knowing she wasn’t the only one having trouble.