And then I heard a whisper at one of the breathing tubes near my ear.
CALEB: Keep your nerve, Miss Emily! You’ll be in Salem in ten minutes or I’ll dig you up myself!
Yes. Yes. Relax and enjoy the ride, I told myself. If for some reason your fake-dead Great-Aunt doesn’t revive and break out of her false-bottomed coffin so that the two of you can time-travel to Salem, Great-Grandpa can always exhume you.60
As it turned out, our timing was either excellent or dreadful, depending on how you see it. I heard Lily give a groan just as the men lifted the coffins off the cart. The foot end of my coffin dropped six inches—Boris gave a yelp—but Caleb reassured him, saying all corpses made groaning noises as the air left their bodies. The coffin steadied and they carried us inside to the final resting place—of our beautiful Chariots to the Hereafter. Lily groaned again, but no one seemed to take notice. And then I could hear her stirring, and FLAMDRAB IT, Enigma started to purr—but we were already in the grave, and the dirt was raining down. Oh beauty! I gave myself a brief moment to enjoy it, then took pity on Lily, who was probably a bit freaked out.
ME: [Calling over the noise of dirt falling . . . sending brainwaves to Caleb to start in on his bogus Words of Dark Summoning . . . Nice and loud, Caleb, nice and loud . . .] OK, Lily, hit the latch! . . . Hit the latch, Lily! —ENIGMA, HIT THE LATCH!!!!!
And it worked, it worked, it worked . . .
We slogged through the (QUITE mucky) tunnel to find the Time-Out Machine around the first bend.
Sunday, August 15, 179O
Today's assignments:
• Thank Caleb for improving on my plan-13 points
• Arrange Family Style Revenge on Caleb for the menacing-113 points
Have successfully avenged myself on Caleb, who I’m pretty sure spent the evening of August 14 frantically digging up two empty coffins, not having gotten any psychic signal from his mother that we’d arrived in her house. That would be the result of this lovely chain of events:
While in the coffin, I instructed myself to use my Blandindulle house key in the Time-Out Machine instead of Caleb’s handkerchief.
Then immediately buried that instruction with a neat little bit of self-hypnosis.
Once back in modern-day Blandindulle, Lily and I made our way to my old pal Zenith’s Junk Shoppe.
And spent a good hour sifting through some Verye Dustye Itemes looking for something that would suit my purposes.
E.g., a copy of a Salem newspaper dated August 15, 1790.
It turned out that Zenith had no such thing, but he was able to find one online for me.
Ordered it.
Waited seven days for delivery.61
Then inserted said newspaper in the T.O.M., and off we went.
Scared the spit out of Caleb’s parents by materializing in their living room.
But, having raised Caleb, they are clearly used to The Weird Stuff, and are coping very well now.
By which I mean they are running around getting us washbasins and towels, savory foodstuffs, and cold drinks.
Am still avoiding the cyder. Beverages that smell that much like jet fuel don’t cross my lips.
Later
Pretty sure I have never enjoyed daylight hours quite so much. Then again, have never spent daylight hours on a 1790s ranch. I credit the bonnet for making it all possible. Have had a lovely afternoon of relaxing with Lily, the cats, a bunch of crazy chickens, several beautiful horses, and fifty acres of unspoiled wilderness. It’s a little like being on vacation at a dude ranch, without all the annoying dudes.
Have also tried my hand again at some code-breaking on those letters. It made me very cross. Had to give up after some fruitless attempts when I found myself making Ws, Ns, and Vs out of all those Ms in desperate effort to force them into some kind of sense. Am giving up and going back out to the horses.
Later
Opal and Pearl have turned up alive! Oh, this is such good news! I guess I will get born after all. It seems John Ebenezer appeared at their house and broke down the front door, then convinced them62 to lie down in the cart, which he’s been using for the past week to haul away dead bodies. He partially covered them with a horse blanket; then, once Boris and Caleb arrived with the coffins, he made like to drive away. Caleb made a big show of inquiring what on earth he was doing, and John announced that he’d been called in to remove two bodies from the house—the plague’s final victims. Caleb dramatically pretended to inspect the bodies, exclaiming in horror at the signs of plague. Boris and thugs were so relieved to be out of the job that they couldn’t send the wagon on its way quickly enough.
GOOD STUFF!!!!!!!!!!
Caleb is still outside, tending the horses, but should be in shortly. Am looking forward to his side of the story.
Later
Caleb finally came in, with a special scowl reserved for me. I knew right away it was for the grave-digging. But really he can only blame himself for that. And THAT’S what makes it the best revenge possible. (That, and all the style points I awarded myself.)
Anyway, he has just finished telling us how he enlisted John Ebenezer’s help to wrangle the Time-Out Machine through the basement pit into the tunnel, rig the coffins and passageway, and fake Opal and Pearl’s deaths. Apparently, once Lily and I were buried and the sham Words of Dark Summoning intoned, Caleb offered to watch the graves for signs of Black Potion while Boris went home to Philadelphia for a well-deserved vacation. Of course, as soon as Boris was gone, Caleb started to panic. He still hadn’t seen anything in his parents’ minds about our arrival. Not knowing where any of the other entrances to the tunnel were, and not being able (for once) to raid my brain for easy information, he frantically dug up the coffins—which he found empty.
Hoping that Lily and I would somehow make it safely to Salem, he went to the warehouse and collected Opal and Pearl. Then they made the journey here, with Caleb anxiously scanning the countryside with his mind, looking for us. Midway through their journey (Opal told us), he dropped the reins and screamed—that would have been at the moment my Time-Out Machine landed in his mother’s kitchen. AHhahhahaHAHhh! Excellent stuff.
However, I had another issue to settle with Caleb, one that I preferred to discuss in private. I stepped outside, mentally signaling him to follow.
ME: All that’s well and good, Caleb, but we both know you have more to explain.
Caleb: You’re referring to the catnapping and bloodletting, I assume?
Me: Yeah, were you really behind that? And if so . . . WHAT THE FLABJARX???
C: Yes, I told Boris that pouring the blood of the witch cat into the basement pit would restart the fountain of Black Potion.
Me: Gahhhhh! What were you thinking?
C: Miss Emily, I based my idea on what YOU were thinking. I quote: “The way to inspire Lily’s successful summoning is through her tender little heart.”
Me: But what if Enigma had actually DIED?
C: Don’t forget that Lily’s mind is even more an open book to me than yours. I can delve deeper inside it than even Lily can. And what I found there assured me that she would never let Enigma die—that the threat would provoke Lily to rise to her full control over the Black Potion, just as the threat to Opal’s health released Lily’s healing talent years ago.
Me: Oh . . . kay. I guess you’re off the hook, then. —So, hey, my mind’s NOT as open of a book, then?
C: [Looking slightly irked.] No, I know of your mental barrier, and have not yet surmounted it. However, I suppose I can hardly grudge you your secrets.
Me: Well, thanks. Oh . . . and thanks for improving on my plan. I mean, killing off Opal and Pearl—good touch! Kind of essential to keeping Boris’ descendants off my trail.
C: Not at all, Miss Emily. I owe my plan’s success entirely to you.
ME: Yeah, I guess all the elements DID come from shameless combing through MY mind . . . but thanks all the same, man. Now listen, I happen to know a young relative of yours in the twenty-first century
who could use a little help.
Caleb: You’re speaking of Master Jakey, I suppose? Moon Child of the Valley of the Knowing?
Me: That’s the kid. Look, Boris is going to be writing in his diary about how his dratting joithead psychic betrayed him and ruined his chances to get his hands on the dark elixir, and . . .
C: And two hundred years later, his descendant will read that diary, and . . .
Me: [Silently/psychically.] It’s soooooooo annoying when you do that, dude.
C: My apologies. Please continue, Miss Emily.
Me: Yeah, well, Attikol’s got some trust issues of his own. And he’s got this kid under tight surveillance because of your hijinks. I’m just saying, it’s gonna be a lot easier on Jakey until I can spring him from that medicine show if Boris doesn’t end up thinking you betrayed him.
C: So you wish me to stay in Boris’ employ?
Me: I just think that a smart, enterprising psychic might be able to play both sides of the fence and turn the situation to his advantage.
C: I see through the flattery, Miss Emily, but I do feel your point. Very well. I shall return to Boris for the present. Perhaps I will find a more subtle ploy to leave him before my marriage to Miss Opal.
Me: [Generously.] Hey, I’ve seen a lot of movies, man. Consider my mind your library.
Later
Caleb and I put in an hour of good collaborative planning on how to keep Opal and Pearl out of sight of Boris’ family for all time. Have adjusted my mental barrier so that Caleb now has free access to the plots of all the movies and books and TV shows I’ve ever seen or read, but not to my personal thoughts and secrets. He is sitting around with his mouth open, shaking his head at what he’s seeing. Good Stuff!
Now Opal is clamoring for Caleb to come and help her plan their wedding. Am going outside with Lily for Quality Horse Time.
Monday, August 16, 179O
Today's assignments:
Find perfect wedding gift for 179Os couple-13 points
Devise return route to the Duntzton I left-113 points
So I bid my relatives adieu, accepting little packages of hominy to go, invitations to Opal and Caleb’s wedding, and handkerchiefs freshly embroidered with my initials and Patti’s.
Then Mystery and I zipped back to Seasidetown one last time. I really wanted to see the Ebenezers again. They weren’t in the warehouse, but they’d left me a note with their new address. The mayor has given them one of the city’s many empty houses. John has gone back to his regular job at the wharves, which are being prepped to reopen tomorrow. But I found Hannah and the kids at home, and spent the afternoon hanging out with them, seeing all Meryl’s latest tricks, enjoying Hannah’s home cooking—1000% better than her warehouse cooking. You know, good times. Also—have had a long talk with Hannah about Sweetie-Pie. Get this! It turns out that Hannah’s family has its own line of unusually talented girls. They humbly call them Bright Girls. Can you believe that? I mean, I can. It would be pretty arrogant of me to assume that my family’s the only one in the world with . . . well, you know. Special qualities. Sweetie-Pie’s from a different mold, all right, but still. It’s good to know there’s more of us out there.
Later
Have figured out my return route home. Here’s how it goes:
Visit Lily’s house—more specifically, her garden—and fill my pockets with cuttings from some of these incredible plants.
Head to the 21st century via my Dumchester house key.
Hide the T.O.M. in my backyard in Dumchester.
Take a bus the 27 miles to Duntzton and locate the house that Mom and I would eventually move into, years down the road.
Plant the cuttings in the backyard of said house.
Camp out in said backyard for the 43 hours it takes for said cuttings to form roots and establish themselves as viable plants.
Take cuttings of said cuttings.
Take a bus the 27 miles back to Dumchester.
Reflect for the millionth time how much I need to build myself that pocket-sized T.O.M.
Return to T.O.M. and place 2nd-generation cuttings in the slot.
Fill hopper with black rock.
Pick random spot on dial—plenty of time for fine-tuning when I land in Duntzton!
Press GO.
It might not be the most direct route home, but I give it extra credit for style.
Sunday, October 23, 179O
Today's assignment:
Return to my own familiar universe-infinity points!!!!!
Opal and Caleb had a beautiful wedding, as weddings go. They had it at night in respect for Lily’s nocturnal lifestyle. The best part, of course, was seeing Lily and Enigma again, although for me it’s only been a couple of hours since I saw them last.
Lily had a going-away present for me: this vast crock of black rock. It was touching, and believe me I was tempted, but I can’t go through life using other Dark Girls’ dark elixir. I gracefully declined. She understood.
Am headed home!!!!!!!!
Sept. 7 (second time)
Today's assignments:
Assemble new PrimevilPowerCase®-13 points
Get quality time with cats-53 points
Make sure I am back in the same world I left- 1313 points
Back at home! Oh, it is so good to be home! Mystery and I have had a very sweet rasslin’ with Miles, Sabbath, and NeeChee, who were not at all pleased to be woken up, as they just saw us an hour ago. Too bad. I have missed them and they are getting a good rasslin’ to make up for it.
Raven went “Uhhhhhhhh . . . hey” at me with her normal level of enthusiasm. Told her to rearrange my record collection as a test command. Performance was about what I expected. Am very glad she did not respond with the equivalent of 52 Pickup.
Am SUPER relieved that my cats and golem are the same ones I left behind. Am going downstairs to check in with Mom.
Later
Interesting developments! I think this is more or less the world I left, but . . . well, not exactly.
I’d found Mom (who looks the same, thank cheeses) and gotten a few pertinent questions answered. It went a little something like this:
ME: Hey, Patti, what’s my name?
Mom: [Recognizing and falling in with routine.] Emily!
Me: What do you brush your teeth with?
M: Toothpaste!
Me: Complete this sentence: Centipedes are often found . . .
M: . . . in my daughter’s bedroom lab!
Me: So far, so good. . . . [Choking abruptly.] Hey . . . didn’t you use to have an aquarium over there near the TV?
M: [Looking at me funny.] A terrarium, sure. Still have one. Remember, an aquarium is for water, and . . .
Me: [Slightly strangled.] I know the difference, Patti . . . it’s just . . . ha ha, silly me . . . I guess I forgot that your pet fish were the flying variety.
It is indeed a slightly different world than the one I left, but I’m gonna stay here, maybe look up some of Sweetie-Pie’s descendants and see what they’re up to these days. Good Stuff, I’m betting.
Later
Have checked in with Wilson at his All-Purpose Emporium of Stuff.63 Truly champion curmudgeon, that Wilson.64 Unfortunately, all my travels have taken up no time at all here in the present, and I am still six to eight weeks away from my special orders arriving. As Wilson sarcastically pointed out.
Later
Have confronted Great-Aunt Millie about all this Dark Girl stuff. Here’s how that went:
ME: Yo, Aunt Millie! What’s with all this Dark Girl stuff? I mean, am I really one?
Great-Aunt Millie: [Looking sheepish.] Yourrr motherrrr and I thinnnk ssssoooo, yessssss.
ME: Well, flibfarx! Couldn’t you guys have just told me so in the first place?
GAM: [Long pause.] . . . Noooooo.
ME: Oh, my cheeks. I suppose you and Mom engineered all that mystery around Great-Aunt Lily’s death, and
the Dark Aunts, and the Heirloom, and EVERY-
T
HING, just to get me interested in the family history?
GAM: [Long pause.] . . . Yessssss.
Me: [Sighing.] K, I guess I’m not the world’s easiest student, but seriously, next time, let’s try a little straight-up HONESTY, what do you say?
GAM: We’lllll seeeee howww it goesssss.
Me: [Remembering Respect for Aunties.] All right, well, I’ll try to deserve some honesty, how’s that?
GAM: Betterrrrrrrrr.
Me: So on that note . . . am I ever gonna get my own black rock?