So who is right and who is wrong? I know some really good people who believe it is wrong to be gay and some really good people who think it is fine. I also know some not-so-good people on both sides of the issue. I wish I knew what you thought. You're the one who makes the naughty and nice lists. You have to have some idea of what is right and wrong.
In other news, my mom and dad mentioned that they want to go to the diner tomorrow for brunch. As if things can't get any worse, I'll most likely have to face Jeff tomorrow. He has sent me some really nice text messages, but I haven't been too responsive to him. I honestly don't even know what to say. How can I explain myself to someone else when I can't even understand who I am? I guess I need to stop worrying about all this for now and get back to studying.
Sincerely,
Holly
Chapter 10: 12/4/16
Dear Santa,
It's Sunday night - crunch time for my finals tomorrow - and I am writing you another letter. Who have I become? I'm writing a letter to a man I stopped believing in when I was 8 years old. Oh well.. why stop now?
Today was another weird day. Much to my dismay, we did end up going to the diner today and both Jeff and Zoe were there. I noticed when we sat down that the two of them were having a discussion and watching our table. It almost looked like they were discussing who had to wait on us. When I saw Zoe walking over, I didn't know whether to feel excited or sad. First off, I still haven't decided if it's ok for me to feel excited about her and secondly, I was afraid that Jeff was trying to avoid seeing me. I guess brunch went alright. I couldn't help but take notice to every little thing that Zoe did and I was hoping that I wasn't as obvious this time around. I liked the way she seemed to be shy, but also carried herself with confidence. She doesn't seem like the type of person who would question herself the way I do. But anyway, I'm just rambling now. I'll stop.
As our brunch was winding down, I looked down and saw a text from Jeff that said, "Could we talk before you leave?" I felt like I owed it to him, but I had to find a way to do it without my parents noticing. My mom would get way too excited if she saw me talking to a cute boy. I told him to meet me back by the bathrooms and then told my parents that I had to use the restroom so they should get the car warmed up. When did I get so good at lying? I don't like it.
My heart was pounding walking toward the bathrooms, worried about what Jeff was going to say to me. When I got to him, he looked sincerely worried and asked "Are you ok?" I lied and told him that I was, but I'm pretty sure he saw right through that. "Listen," he stated "I realize that I don't actually know what is going on with you, but I have some ideas. I'm sorry if my assumption is wrong, but one of my brothers is gay and I know how hard it was for him when he was coming out. He was so ashamed of himself that he used to self-harm, until my family realized what was going on and reassured him that we still love him. I just want to make sure nothing like that happens with you." It was shocking to hear those words come out of his mouth. As terrible as I felt sometimes, I honestly never thought about hurting myself. It made me sad thinking about those who would. I gave him a hug and reassured him that I wasn't going to hurt myself. I started to cry a little again as I told him that I have a lot that I need to figure out about myself and that his assumption wasn't wrong. He told me to please let him know if there was anything that he could do and then joked, "I hope my terrible kissing skills made your feelings easier to sort out." I couldn't help but laugh at this, but again felt a pang of sadness that I couldn't end up with an amazing guy like Jeff.
When I finally got in the car my mom asked if I was feeling ok since it had been so long. I brushed it off as nerves and was quiet the rest of the way home.
Aside from studying, I spent the rest of the day thinking about Jeff's reaction to me possibly liking girls. He was so nice about it. I can't help but wonder if he is just an extremely nice person or if most people in my life would actually react this way. Maybe it's not the big deal I'm making it out to be. It doesn't feel that way though. It feels like the biggest deal - it is the one thing I have been battling most of my life - how is that not a big deal? To me, it feels like everything.
I really need to decide how I feel about this and where to go from here. This internal battle is exhausting and I just can't do it anymore. It's too much. I need to decide who I am and be proud of it. I hate that I am using the word "decide" right now. There are people who claim that these feelings are a choice and the fact that anyone would think that makes me sick. Why would I choose these feelings? Do you really think I chose to spend my whole life questioning, even hating, who I am? Do you think I like being different than all my friends? I hate feeling like I can't relate to the people I am closest to. I hate feeling like there is always something holding me back from having a truly sincere relationship with them. When I use the word decide, I guess what I really mean is whether or not I am going to decide to accept myself, show people the real me, and live the life that matches what I feel on the inside. Honestly the only "choice" I have is whether I let myself be happy or not.
I have a lot to think about, but I also have two finals to take tomorrow afternoon and still need to drive back to school. Luckily, the snow has stopped so I won't have to worry about that (the only thing I'm not worrying about right now).
Thanks again,
Holly
Chapter 11: 12/5/16
Dear Santa,
Finals went fine today. I have two more (1 tomorrow, 1 Wednesday) that I'm not too worried about, so naturally I spent all night doing "research." 5 anti-gay videos, 5 pro-gay videos, and one very long, confusing sermon later and I have come to one conclusion - no one actually knows what the hell they are talking about. Sorry about the language, but it is honestly all speculation and I'm sick of it. "God loves gay people," "No God hates gay people," "You can choose to not be gay," "being gay is not a choice." It's all so contradicting which just proves that no one truly knows. Along with most things in this world, there isn't one side that is correct. There's no way to be 100% sure about what is right or wrong. You can only go by how you personally feel inside and in the end, that should be all that matters.
So I've realized that watching videos and reading articles isn't going to help me. Neither will those "Am I gay" quizzes online. I need to look inside myself and figure out what I truly feel. I mean, it's not actually about what I feel. I know what I feel. I've felt it my whole life. It's now about where I want to go from here. Do I let go of my fear and embrace my true self? Do I share my true colors with others knowing that some people will never accept me? It won't be easy showing this part of me, so now is the time where I decide if it's worth it.
Either way, I have decided to stop being so hard on myself. I need to accept who I am and realize that I am a good person. I have been happy about most of the decisions I have made in my life and I am proud of the young lady I have grown into. I'm not going to let this one thing keep me from loving myself.
I think I know what I need to do and it's probably going to be the hardest, yet most rewarding moment of my life. I need to stop denying the one thing I have always known. I need to live the way that I think is right. It is time to live the life I was meant to live.
Now, I just need to find the courage to say the two words that I have never been able to say to myself or anyone else. These two words are going to change everything, but I really do believe it is going to be for the best.
I'll write again when I'm ready.
Big things are coming!
Holly
Chapter 12: 12/6/16
Dear Santa,
I'm not ready yet.
Holly
Chapter 13: 12/7/16
Dear Santa,
I'm gay. I've been alive for 22 years, most of that time aware that I was different, and this is the first time I have ever said that. It's hard to explain the amount of freedom I feel just writing down those words. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and though I kn
ow that this is just the beginning and I will have to face a lot of adversity on the road ahead, being able to say it and be ok with it is a freeing experience that I will never truly be able to put into words.
I'm gay and I am ok with that. I am happy with the person I am. I'm a daughter, sister, aunt, student, and friend. I am a brown haired, blue eyed female. I am also gay. I now realize this is just one part of me. It's just one small part that makes up the person I am, but it is a part of me. It is not a part that I am going to deny anymore. It is not a part that I am going to hide.
I've come to realize that this doesn't change anything about my past, present, or future. I'm still the same person I have always been and I still have the same goals and dreams. I just might end up with someone different by my side than I had originally pictured.
I refuse to believe that there is something wrong with me. I refuse to believe that this heart that has so much love to give is meant to be alone. I refuse to believe that the love that I will someday feel toward another human being could be anything but beautiful.
I know people will disagree with me, but I no longer want to see my love for the same sex as a sin, abomination, or something disgusting that needs to be fixed. It doesn't make sense to me that a God that preaches about love wouldn't want me to give or receive that love in the form of a committed relationship.
I'm ready to move on with my life and to stop fixating on one piece of myself that some people may not like. There are more important things going on in this world than me trying to "fix myself." I have big plans for making this world a better place and that can't happen if I'm focused on myself. Fighting the losing battle of "fixing myself" would take all my strength and keep me from focusing on the true problems in this world. Just think of all the people I can help if I put my time and energy into that instead of my internal battles.
I never understood "gay pride." It didn't make sense that people felt the need to be "proud" of being attracted to the same sex. But, as I sit here writing this letter, thinking about everything that led me up to this point, I'm proud. I'm proud that I was strong enough to make it through even when I felt alone, I'm proud that I was able find the strength to love myself, and I'm proud to be the person I was made to be.
I know this seems like a complete 180 and I guess it kind of is. But this has been building inside of me for a long time. I think I always had the capacity to love and accept myself, but just had to get to that point on my own time.
Again, I realize this is just the beginning. I'm going to shock, and possibly hurt, people by coming out. There are going to be a lot of people who don't understand, but that's ok because I don't fully understand it. It's not something that needs to be understood - just accepted. And if I have people that can't accept me, I will have to be happy and content with accepting myself. That will be easier said than done, but I have this letter to remind me. I know the rest of my journey isn't going to be easy, but I can at least now see that it will be worth it.
Your gay friend,
Holly
Chapter 14: 12/8/16
Dear Santa,
I'm not even sure what to write after writing that last letter. I feel like a whole new person, yet I feel like nothing has changed. It's strange. I guess I can update you on what has been going on (besides having the biggest break through of my life). My finals on Tuesday and Wednesday were pretty easy, thank God since I really didn't spend as much time studying as I should have. Things have been low key since finals ended yesterday. The "fantastic five" decided that we would all stay at school through Friday night since I had messed up our plans for last week.
I texted Jeff this morning and told him that he was right about everything, I am finally accepting myself, and that I am very thankful for how nice he has been through all of this. Within a minute I had a text back saying, "Wow! I am so happy for you! This is a big step. If you need anything, I'm always a call, text, or drive to the diner away." I guess I was right about Jeff being a gift. His friendship has meant everything to me and it feels like we've been friends forever. It's hard to believe that it was just one week ago that I was trying to make out with him. Oops.
But anyway, back to my friends. I think I'm going to tell them tomorrow night. I know it seems fast and sudden, but I want to do it in person and won't see them for a few weeks. If they react well, I get to have that burden off of me and if they don't react well, at least I won't have to face them for awhile. I think they will be ok with it. People my age normally are. I just hope it doesn't change anything between us. We like to have sleepovers where we all snuggle close to each other and talk about boys. Will they feel weird about being close to me knowing that I have feelings for girls? Will they feel awkward if I bring up a girl I like? I love my friends and I love how we are together. I just hope and pray that this doesn't change anything. It would kill me if they felt uncomfortable around me.
The friend I worry about most is Penelope. I know she has very strong traditional beliefs and this probably goes against them. At the same time, she is one of the sweetest, most caring people I have ever met so I don't believe she would ever be mean to me about it.
No matter what happens, I know this is something that I have to do. It is important to remember that things will turn out the way they are supposed to. What's most important now is showing those closest to me the part of me that I have been hiding.
Here goes nothing!
Holly
Chapter 15: 12/9/16
Dear Santa,
My first experience coming out went really well! Penelope and Nora came over to our apartment tonight and we ordered pizza. The plan was to eat, exchange presents, and watch Christmas movies. I decided that I wanted to tell them early so it wasn't on my mind all night. Once Penelope, Nora, and the pizza arrived and we all settled onto different chairs and couches, Sophia asked what movie we should watch. My heart was beating so fast because I knew this was my chance. I could feel myself start to sweat and it felt like the whole room froze around me.
"Actually guys," I mumbled "before we start a movie I need to tell you something." They all stared at me with concerned looks on their faces. They could clearly tell how upset it was making me to have to talk about this. It felt like we sat there forever in silence until Penelope finally said, "Oh my goodness Holly. Are you sick?" It looked like she was going to start crying, so I knew I had to get it out quickly before I worried them more.
"I'm not sick," I said, "I'm just not the person you think I am. I mean I am. There's just something about me that you don't know. It's something that I just recently came to terms with and I don't want to hide it from you guys anymore." I pulled on my shirt and cleared my throat before stating, "I'm gay." I wanted to go into more of an explanation but I couldn't find the words. So I took a deep breath and waited for their response.
Sophia was the first was to react. She walked up to me, gave me a hug, and said, "It's about time Holly." I pulled back from her embrace and gave her a confused look. "Oh come on Holly," she continued, "You're one of my best friends. We live together for God's sake. Not to mention, my gaydar went off the first time I met you." I didn't know whether to feel happy, confused, or offended by this statement but I knew I felt relieved.
"Wait.. you knew?" I questioned. This was when Karen joined in, "I mean we couldn't know for sure without you telling us, but Sophia and I have discussed it in the past. Not in a bad way. I don't want you to think we were talking about you. We just always said that we wish you could be honest with us, so we could assure you that we don't care who you love. We just love you and that's all that matters."
I was still shocked by their reaction so I questioned further, "Am I that obvious?" Sophia and Karen smirked at each other and then Sophia laughed, "There were definite signs. You never seemed to contribute much to our boy conversations, even when you were dating someone. Not to mention first year when you wouldn't come out of your dorm room for a week because you said an old friend decided she did
n't want anything to do with you. You were acting the same way I did when Ben decided to be an idiot and dump me for a week in 10th grade."
By this time, Karen was next to me holding my shaking hand. I looked over to Nora and Penelope who hadn't said anything yet. "Did you guys know too?" I asked. Penelope quietly shook her head no. In true dramatic Nora fashion, she stood up and threw her hands in the air saying, "Well these two idiots never shared their suspicions with me, but I would say it crossed my mind once or twice. I just thought maybe you weren't as boy crazy as me though. Most people aren't. But, come on Holly, did you really think I would care? You're one of the best friends I've ever had. I don't care who you get into bed with at night." I laughed. Of course Nora's mind automatically went there.
I finally gained the courage to talk more. "I am so happy you guys are being so nice about this. But I really hope it doesn't change how our friendship is. I like being able to talk to you guys about anything and I like snuggling up to you in a 'no homo' sort of way." We all laughed at this comment and Nora joked, "This won't change anything! If anything, it just might make me want to kiss you, so watch out." The mood was light as I made a jab at her for 'not being my type' and then they all started excitedly asking about what my type was.