Still, Monday morning came and the alarm went off.
He walked Buddy and ate some buttered toast, drank a cup of coffee, and kissed Jayne goodbye before driving to the office. He sat in gridlocked traffic for twenty minutes. He listened to the news and the chatter until he longed for silence. He breathed in deeply as the cars inched forward every few moments.
“Why do I wait in traffic every single day, just to get to a job that I hate?” he asked himself out loud.
“Why am I such a whinger?”
Because you need to do something, a voice inside his head said. You need to jumpstart your heart.
You need to be fearless. You need to pee or get off of the pot!
Easier said than done, he thought. Easier said than done.
In the office, he greeted the receptionist. She told him that his boss was waiting inside.
“Did we have a meeting?” he asked as he scrolled through the timetable on his phone.
“No,” she confirmed.
He felt a drop of perspiration forming on his forehead as he entered his office. His boss stood up, and they exchanged greetings and shook hands like it was the first time they’d ever met.
Odd, he thought, since I’ve been working here for seven years.
“Sit down,” his boss said. It sounded like a direct order, so he did.
Even though he was in his own office. On his own turf.
“What can I do for you, sir?” he asked.
“It’s been brought to my attention that you have been spending quite a bit of time—no, I have to be straight with you—quite a lot of time lately on Google. You haven’t been bringing in any new customers, and quite frankly, I’m—we’re, as a firm you know, we’re worried, because you’re not holding your own. Pulling your load. “
He hesitated for a few seconds. His mouth had come open, but then he closed it, saying nothing.
“What do you have to say for yourself?” his boss asked, “Any, uh, explanation?”
“I—no,” he stammered. “I just—”
“Spit it out, lad,” the boss-man said. “There must be some kind of explanation!”
He just shook his head.
“Perhaps you are having family troubles?”
“No.”
“Alcohol? Drugs? Death in the family? Divorce?”
He shook his head no. If only it were true!
“Come on, man,” his boss said, growing exasperated. “Give me something to work with, here. Anything!”
“I-I’ve been under a lot of stress. A lot of pressure.”
“Yes, there you have it now, boy. I know I caught you off guard by coming into your office unexpectedly, but now you’re getting the hang of it, my boy. Tell me more. How can we help you? I mean, myself and the partners.”
“I don’t really know,” he said. “I think it might be best if you, uh, fired me.”
“Now, now, who said anything about firing you? We haven’t come to that point yet. You have seven—count them— seven good years under your belt here. Well, let’s be realistic—it’s probably more like six and a half—but you’re a valued member of our team. We want to help, if you’ll let us. How can we help, my boy?”
“If you won’t consider firing me, would you consider a leave of absence? Perhaps a month off?
Without pay is fine. I don’t mind. I—”
“Without pay, you say? Well, there is no need for going without pay. I’ll put together the paperwork today. We’ll call it, Stress Leave. One month fully paid. Take your wife and uh, Buddy and go on a nice holiday somewhere. Relax.” He stood up, leaned across the desk, and they shook hands again.
“Thank you, sir,” he said. “Thank you. Really.”
“Heather will give you the papers to sign before the day is out. Work today, finish up anything you can and then delegate the rest to someone else. I’ll send out a company-wide memo, saying that you’re having a month off—but we won’t say why, of course.” He touched his nose, as if to affirm their shared secret. “That’ll be between you and I.”
He stood up and walked his boss to the door. His boss patted him on the back.
“You take care of yourself, and don’t worry about things here. We’ll hold the fort until you get back.”
“Thanks again, sir,” he said, and he even managed to smile for a moment.
Then he sat down at his computer and returned to his research once again. At the end of the day, everyone gathered around him. He hoped that they hadn’t bought him presents or anything. They hadn’t.
It was a good send-off. He packed all of his personal bits and pieces into his bag, and he felt very relieved when he got back into his car.
As usual, he arrived home before Jayne did. He took Buddy for a quick walk around the block, and then returned to his computer. He looked at his will and considered making a few alterations.
Jayne was still the sole benefactor, but he decided to leave something to the pet shelter where they found Buddy. It was a good sum—they could help lots of stray pets with the money, and in doing so, his life would have meant something.
“Come here, Bud,” he said. “You have to look after Jayne now, ok? I’m counting on you.”
Buddy jumped up and put his paws on his shoulders. They hugged. He wiped a tear from his eyes.
Together they went to the kitchen, and he filled up Buddy’s food bowl, and then ran some cool water from the tap and filled his water bowl.
Buddy moved straight to the food, but he caught him for another hug. He fought back a sob as he went into the bedroom and began to pack an overnight bag. He threw in just the basics, left his passport on the top of his desk, and then sat down to write Jayne a note.
It read, Dearest Jayne, I love you more than anything, but I think you would be better off without me. Please take care of Buddy for me. Sorry it has to be this way, but I made a vow to keep you happy, and this is the only way. XOXO infinity. Your loving husband.
As he drove along the Princess Highway, he thought about the things he regretted the most. He hadn’t followed his dreams. He hadn’t let Jayne pursue hers. In the early days, they had been a force to be reckoned with. But now, they—well, things were different. She had wanted to travel, to fly. To take off and share adventures together, but he had always been too scared.
He regretted the fear. He loathed himself for the fear.
It made him feel like less of a man. And then, when he didn’t have enough swimmers—well, that was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.
He began to question everything then. Why he had been placed on the earth? What was his purpose?
How he could make things different?
He remembered back to this morning, when he had kissed Jayne for the very last time. Of course she didn’t know it, but he did. Even if they hadn’t given him a month off, he wasn’t going back tomorrow for anything. No, he had other plans. Other places to be. Other things to do.
For once, in a very long time, he had a purpose.
He had to stop the car then, to pull over. He just barely made it out of the vehicle in time. His hands shook as he vomited. Nerves. Fear. Anger. Humiliation. It all churned through his system, unsettling him.
As he climbed back into the Lexus, his phone began to ring. It was Jayne. He clicked the button to make it stop ringing and sent the call straight to voicemail. He watched as the phone lit up moments later with a message. He pushed the button to listen.
“I just got home and found your note—I don’t understand. Buddy and I don’t understand.” On cue, Buddy barked. “Come home, okay? Come home, and we can talk about this. Talk it over.” She sniffled. “Are you there? Are you listening? Listen!” Jayne’s voice went quiet for a few seconds. The message timed out. She called back again. “I know you are bloody well listening, you, you—I love you. Answer me!”
He hung up, turned off his phone, and put it into the glove compartment. They would find it there— after.
&nbs
p; As he pulled away from the curb, he made the wheels of his car squeal. He revved up the engine, pushed his foot to the floor, and sped away.
He drove most of the night. He felt a bit paranoid that Jayne might get the police involved, but nothing happened. He hoped she wouldn’t be too mad at him.
There was no turning back now.
Besides, he didn’t want to.
After all, he had accomplished everything he wanted to—everything he could.
Chapter Six
Standing at the top of the mountain, his knees shook uncontrollably. He pushed a few rocks off of the edge, and watched as they tumbled on their way toward the bottom. He listened as they made their way down, clicking and crashing against the stone. Finally, he heard just the faintest splash, and then at last, there was silence.
It was an awesome view—The Blue Mountains—and now, everything he had read about it made perfect sense. When you stood all the way up here, you felt small in size and stature, but you also felt like part of something bigger than yourself. You felt at one with the universe, and somehow, unafraid.
Just then, a group of noisy cockatoos made their presence known to him. Their loud, high-pitched screeches made him cover his ears.
You don’t have to do this, he told himself. You don’t have anything to prove to anyone. You could turn around and go back home to Jayne and Buddy, and no one would be any wiser. Jayne would understand if you simply explained what had happened at the office. She would totally understand, and be supportive.
He considered this for another moment, as he watched the clouds pushing their way across the sky.
The truth was, he couldn’t live with himself. With the constant fear. It was just too much for him to put aside and go back home, pretending that it never happened. If he gave up now and returned to life the way it was, then he wouldn’t be able to look at himself in the mirror. He wouldn’t be a man anymore, not really. He would be nothing. His life would mean nothing.
“It’s now or never,” he mused out loud.
And when the moment came, he did not think about it any longer.
He was fully committed, for the first time in his life.
He moved closer to the edge, and simply let his body fall forward, starting with his head. It was easy, because of the steep decline. Soon, his shoulders and torso and legs were all sailing downward in perfect synchronicity.
He screamed then. He couldn’t help himself. He clenched his eyes firmly shut, concentrating as the wind tossed and jarred him like a puppet.
And then he forced himself to open up his eyes, and it was like he was flying. It felt like he was weightless, and it seemed that he was meant to be just like this—to soar just like this, and he began to laugh and laugh and laugh as he sank toward the bottom like a stone.
It was all over in a few minutes.
“Totally bitchin’!” he exclaimed as he hung upside down on the end of a bungee cord.
“Again! Again!” he cried as they reeled him back in.
About The Author
Cathy McGough lives in Stratford, Ontario, Canada with her husband, son and two cats Rosie and Layla.
If you liked this novella, please check out my other books:
• Three Friends
• Interviews With Legendary Writers From Beyond
• Painting With Words
• A Mathematical State of Grace Book 1: Fragment
Coming soon: A Mathematical State of Grace Finale: Fusion
Or my website:
www.cathymcgough.com
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