***
Five: Here We Go West
Another day, another report to write up. I had thought being a TURD would be action packed but I was turning out to be like most other public servants, sitting at a desk all day writing reports that nobody was ever going to read, and there was one hell of a backlog to get through. The phone rang.
'Detective Chief Superintendent Bigfoot,' said Bigfoot. 'Aha…aha…not a problem.' He looked straight at me. 'Here we go West,' he said.
The three of us, Bigfoot, Littlefoot and I, piled into our squad car, which today was a big four wheel drive, and headed north, we were going to McOodeloo sheep station north of Bothwell in the Tasmanian highlands. It was a cold overcast wintry day, which I was still finding a refreshing change from the hot, dry sun beating relentlessly down in Alice Springs. Overnight it had rained and then rained some more, the dirt roads we had to take were mud, muddy quagmires reminiscent of the trenches in Flanders Fields in World War One. At times the road was more like a shallow lake, even in a four wheel drive it was dangerous going. We passed a lot of wet and bedraggled sheep by the roadside. The native animals were nowhere to be seen, they had more sense. Bigfoot drove and was deadly silent, Littlefoot sat next to him and was doubly deadly silent, they had both been out on the town the night before and were feeling slightly under the weather, so much so that they had sworn off alcohol for ever, I would like to see that eventuate, I sat in the back and kept up the nothingness, I enjoyed the peace and quiet, it was an unusual phenomenon.
We drove past Razor Back Mountain, it looked very impressive, or at least the bits we could see below the clouds did, then we took a right hand turn and splashed down into a creek, the four wheel drive seemed to swim across, and then we drove up the opposite bank. We disturbed a pair of wedge tailed eagles, they flapped their wings angrily and got out of our way.
'Wedgies,' said Bigfoot.
The sheep station came into view, it comprised an old school house built out of the local red stone, an old church made from the same stone, a corrugated iron shearing shed, a corrugated iron shearers quarters and a large station owner's house, more of a mansion really. The station owner's house was a grand affair with a three meter verandah all round and every room had large doors that accessed the verandah. It was a classic Australian single storey country house.
Today, in addition to the buildings and outhouses, there were also two giant black armoured vehicles, looking like fiendish monsters from hell and behind every building, water tank and gum tree there was a police sniper dressed in black with a black helmet, black bullet proof vest, black boots and an automatic machine gun of the colour black, black was the flavour of the month.
Bigfoot pulled our four wheel drive up beside one of the black monstrous armoured vehicles.
'Looks like the NEWTS,' he said.
'Who are they?' I asked.
'The Northern Emergency something-or-other Terrorist Squad.'
'Are we dealing with a terrorist?'
'I doubt it. But it looks like we are just in time for the party,' said Bigfoot.
A NEWTS storm trooper came up to the car door and Bigfoot wound down the window.
'Sir!,' said the officer. 'Siege, man, inside, armed, dangerous, two girls, hostages.'
'Aha,' said Bigfoot.
'Shot, police constable, hospitalised, out of danger.'
'Aha,' said Bigfoot.
'Negotiator needed, hostages a priority.'
'And if negotiations fail?' said Bigfoot.
'Tear gas, go in, shoot him.'
'Bit drastic,' said Bigfoot. 'I don't want any shooting.'
'Sir!' said the NEWTS officer loudly. 'Body armour, helmet, weapon, get kitted, Sir!'
'I'm fine as I am,' said Bigfoot.
'Sir!'
'That will be all for the moment.'
'Sir!' said the officer.
He went quick march back to the command centre at the back of one of the armoured vehicles.
'What did he say West?' said Bigfoot.
'I'm not sure,' I said.
'He is a proactive operative used only to the coalface of world class performality,' said Littlefoot.
'Thanks for clearing that one up Littleguy,' said Bigfoot. 'For a moment there I thought he was talking gibberish.'
We climbed out of the vehicle avoiding the mud as best we could. A shot rang out, the NEWTS returned fire with their automatic weapons blowing great holes in the homestead. We took cover behind the black armoured monster and one of the NEWTS brought us coffee and doughnuts.
'This is usually the part I like best,' said Bigfoot, 'but I'm really not too sure about the doughnut at the moment, my gut is still suffering from last night,'
The NEWTS officer marching over to Bigfoot.
'My men are ready, Sir!' he said.
'Tell your men not to shoot,' said Bigfoot.
'They have been instructed to shoot to kill, Sir!'
'Well I'm giving new instruction,' he said. 'No shooting. What's his name?'
'Alexander Spudoolick, aka Spud. Here's the megaphone, Sir!'
'You stay here with West Littlefoot,' said Bigfoot.
He walked away with the officer and left me behind. I wasn't too happy about that.
An ambulance turned up and a well-endowed blonde bombshell got out, she was wearing the green ambo's overalls like I had never seen them worn before and Littlefoot's eyes were on stalks.
'Why don't you go help the ambo with her equipment,' I said to Littlefoot.
'I came first in my first aid refresher course you know, I might be able to show her a thing or two.'
He disappeared.
Bigfoot walked slowly forwards.
'Spud, we are not here to hurt you.'
Silence.
'Let the girls go.'
More silence.
'The girls have done you no harm.'
There was total silence once again, you could have heard a pin drop, as they say.
'The policeman who was shot, he's recovering in hospital, he's out of danger. Do yourself a favour. We only want what's best for everybody. I'm coming in.'
A shot rang out. The NEWTS opened fire once again and everyone dived for cover. This was all getting out of hand. I walked over to Bigfoot.
'Get back under cover West, that's an order.'
'I've been trained as a negotiator, I can handle this kind of situation.'
'No way West, this is my responsibility.'
'Give me the megaphone, I can do this.'
'No.'
I grabbed the megaphone and gave Bigfoot a gentle shove. I didn't mean for it to happen but he ended up flat on his back with mud on his face.
'West!' he said in disbelief.
I walked out into the open, put the megaphone to my mouth and said:
'Don't shoot Alexander, I'm unarmed.'
A shot rang out but it went very wide if it was aimed at me.
'This isn't helping Alexander,' I said. 'I only want to talk. I spoke to your mother on the phone and she's worried about you, I told her I would look after you.'
The front door opened slightly.
'You can come in,' shouted Alexander, 'but only you, you hear.'
I walked up to the door and as I reached it it swung wide open.
'Get out of here,' said a voice from within the building.
Two girls ran out of the house and were gathered up by the blonde bombshell ably assisted by Littlefoot. I walked inside, a small man was almost cowering in the corner half pointing a .22 hunting rifle at me.
'You're not having a good day are you?' I said. 'I have those kinds of days myself, bad hair days I call them. Shall we go outside together? There's an ambulance waiting.'
'How do I know I can trust you?'
'You don't but I've never shot anyone and I don't intend to start with you, I'm not going to let any harm come to you.'
'They want to hurt me. I didn't mean to shoot that fucking cop, it was an accident, he hit me and called me a d
ago wog.'
'Let's go outside and sort this out, you haven't got a hope in hell if you stay here.'
'No.'
'I don't want to go back to your mother and tell her that I didn't help you, you have to trust me, I'll do everything I can for you.'
He let out a huge sigh and nodded his head, obviously relieved, and he handed me his gun.
'Keep your hands out in the open and walk slowly, no quick moves. I'll go first.'
I walked out onto the verandah.
'Hold your fire everybody!' shouted Bigfoot. 'West is with me, anyone shoots her and I'll have their balls for breakfast!'
'It's okay, he's coming quietly,' I said.
I ushered him over to the ambulance and peace and tranquillity were restored to the homestead once more.
'Don't ever do that again West,' said Bigfoot.
'That's what I do, that's what I've been trained for.'
'Do it again, or even think about doing it again, and you're not a TURD anymore.'
'Bigfoot!'
'No, never. I'm your commanding officer and don't you forget it.'
'Yes Sir,' I said.
I turned to walk back to the car.
'West,' said Bigfoot.
'Yes Sir?'
'Job well done.'
'Did you hear the one about the blonde who goes to the supermarket?' said Bigfoot. 'This good looking blonde goes to the supermarket but she has no idea which toilet paper to buy, so she asks the shop assistant and he says "we have Soft as Silk for two dollars a roll, we have Nice and Comfy for a dollar a roll and we have No Name for fifty cents a roll." The blonde takes the No Name, she likes it because it's so cheap but in a week she returns and says to the sales assistant "I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper," and he says, "What's that?" "Commando," she says, "because it's rough and tough and takes no shit from nobody."'
We were in Salamanca Place, Hobart, having what's known as a debriefing session, but could easily have been mistaken for a booze up. There were four of us, me, Bigfoot, Littlefoot and the bombshell. Bigfoot and Littlefoot had decided that maybe they should try some alcohol again just to see what it tasted like. The barman gave us the news that in the pub restaurant they were having a Degustation du Vin.
'What's that?' said Bigfoot. 'French for farting?'
'They match wines and food,' said Littlefoot. 'We should all go and learn something about the culture of the vine. I'd like Ancarra here to learn about degustations.'
'Love to,' said Ancarra.
Obviously the name of the blonde bimbo bombshell ambo was Ancarra.
'What a heap of superannuated dog poo,' said Bigfoot.
'Take this wine I'm drinking,' said Littlefoot.
He had ordered himself a glass of red and was sipping it with a suave, sophisticated air.
'Plonk,' said Bigfoot.
'It is a Follyfoot, Back Fence, Pigs Squeal Shiraz from the Coogee Valley, South Australia,' he said. 'I find it has a pleasant burnt chocolate aroma, firm mouth feel, an intense stewed peach and bubble gum palate and a satisfying mouldy cheese aftertaste.'
Bigfoot grabbed the glass from Littlefoot and downed the contents in one almighty gulp.
'You're right, this is a very special wine,' he said. 'A pig's trotter infused fullness in the mouth, with yes, an interesting mouth feel, oh no that's a bit of left over bacon from breakfast, it must have got stuck between my teeth.'
'It's a classic wine,' said Littlefoot.
'Yes, a rather gulpy sort of plonky pissupy drop.'
'It takes a sophisticated palate to appreciate a well-made wine,' said Littlefoot.
'A man went to his doctor and said, "Whenever I drink coffee I get this stabbing pain in my right eye," and the doctor said, "Have you tried taking the spoon out of the cup?"' said Bigfoot.
'I can order coffee,' I said, 'would you like coffee?'
'I surely would,' said Bigfoot, 'I feel like I've been thrown out of a two storey window and run over by an army tank.'
The truth was that Bigfoot and Littlefoot had been sipping the old familiar juice steadily since we arrived, their heads were fuzzy, their eyes were blurry and they could hardly stand up without warbling through space.
'Can't handle your grog,' said Littlefoot standing up. 'I'm going to the degustation with or without you,' he said.
He collapsed, luckily Ancarra caught him before he hit the floor.
'Man and woman going out on the town,' said Bigfoot. 'Just getting into the taxi when they remember the kitty, so the husband goes back into the house to put the kitten out in the garden. The wife, not wanting the taxi driver to know that the house is empty says, "Won't be a minute my husband has just gone back in to wish my mother good night." Eventually the husband comes out, "Sorry about the delay," he says, "she was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her out with a cricket bat and to stop her messing the bed I threw her out of the window."'
I laughed I couldn’t help myself.
'What about the degustation?' said Littlefoot.
'Nah, it sounds disgusting,' said Bigfoot. 'Let's just have a drink instead and then maybe get some pizza.'
'How about four cappuccinos?' I said.
'Okay West, you have four cappuccinos and we'll all have some more grog.'
'Well whatever we have, can we please have less blonde jokes,' said Ancarra.
'Why is that?' said Bigfoot.
'Because I'm blonde you old fart.'
'Oh right. How about this one. It was late Friday afternoon and the Departmental Head was standing near the shredding machine with a piece of paper in his hand. A temporary secretary came up to him, she had black hair, and she said, "Can I be of assistance? I can't seem to get this machine to work," he said, "and this is a very important document." The temp took the document, turned on the machine, she then put the document in and shredded it. "Could you make me two copies please," said the Departmental Head.'
'That one is almost funny,' I said. 'Come on, it looks like I'm the designated driver again. Let's get you home.'
'I'm going to the degustation,' said Littlefoot.
He stood up, fell over again and Ancarra caught him.
'I'll get a taxi and get the little guy home,' said Ancarra.
'You can tuck me into bed,' said Littlefoot.
'Looking forward to it,' said Ancarra.
'I think I love you,' said Littlefoot.
'And you can tuck that old fart into bed,' said Ancarra addressing me and pointing to Bigfoot.
'Hardly,' I said.
'Ah West,' said Bigfoot.
'Don't Ah West me!' I said. 'But listen Bigfoot, I'm sorry about pushing you and you ending up on your back with mud all over your face.'
'Don't worry about that, I'm always getting egg on my face, mud made a very nice change. You know West, life is hell, and I'm beginning to think there's only one bloody damn good thing in it.'
'And what's that?' I said.
'You West, you, and if I was just a quarter of a century younger…'
***
The End
That's all for now folks but you can read the next book in the series: Murder Mayhem & Madness. Chief inspector Bigfoot wakes up in bed with a naked woman who just happens to be dead.