girls.” I can tell she wants to cry. “It means a lot.”
“You’re welcome, Mrs. Mills.” she smiles, as speaker and head of the group. She’s trying to be the strong one, but her eyes say she just wants her friend back. Tammy and Erica are both crying. They are twin sisters who look nothing alike, but they act the same. Both shy. Both quiet. And both were very close friends to our little girl.
There isn’t much left of the line. The closed half of the casket has a neat stack of cards next to about half a dozen flowers. Mom is saying goodbye right now. Janet’s mom is already back in her seat, wiping her eyes, and crumpling the piece of paper she is holding.
Mom is calm as she walks away, but her eyes are dull red orbs. She’s been crying a lot.
Marcy’s three friends go up to the casket as a group.
“You showed us lots of things, M.” Sarah says softly. “We had so much fun together. Goodbye.” Sarah lays her pendant on the casket and walks away. Tammy and Erica don’t follow. They grab each other’s hand and place their pendants in the casket.
“Bye.” It’s so soft I can barely hear it. And then they walk away together.
I grab Janet’s hand as we approach the casket. We’re going to get through this together.
Marcy’s bright green dress matches the ribbons in her hair. She looks so peaceful—
The pain is immediate. It’s sharp and pounding, like something is being born on the inside of me: misery. And the pain is its constant heartbeat. A constant reminder of this great sadness. It’s all consuming. Even Janet’s fingers with mine doesn’t comfort. I am drifting away—
But, there will always be pain. Pain comes with love. And feeling is always louder than the Spirit, especially today. But, every day the same choice has to be made. Despite what I feel, what will I say?
“I trust You, Jesus.” I whisper. Nothing has ever been harder to say, because every other part of me is saying sadness is all my life will become.
Matthew? my eyes immediately jump to the left. It’s Jesus’ voice. But, it’s not coming from within. It’s outward and reachable, as if He were standing ri—
I don’t know how to describe what I’m seeing. Jesus is stepping out from pure white light and it’s following Him. As He walks, it clings to Him. As He breathes, it pulsates and shivers. It matches what I feel but can’t express. I’ve been waiting to see Him again since I was a little boy. And now that I see Him, my spirit wants to shiver and pulsate in His presence. I want to cling to Him. Yet, I can only watch.
My eyes know what they’re seeing, but my mind can’t grasp hold of it. He is a man, yet He is the Light that can’t be without Him. The very thing that clings to Him comes from Him. He is the Source and the Sustainer.
Even before I made Marcy, I foresaw this day. He says as the light reacts to His voice with twirls and small bursts all around him, as if it were dancing. Dancing like I would be, if I could. She was made for this day, Matthew. As were you. He is holding my little girl in his arms. Has she been with Him this whole time?
I see Him kneel. The light lays flat as a shadow, as if bowing and then pulls to Him again. He whispers something in my little girl’s ear and then lets her down. The light fades away as He steps back into it.
He’s gone but I see her running from where He was. She is the brightest of colors. She isn’t looking at me, or Janet, or anyone else. She’s only looking at the casket.
She stops at the foot of it and starts to climb. She pulls herself up easily. On her hands and knees she crawls across the closed half of the casket, moving through the card and flower stacks as if they weren’t even there. She’s right in front of me but doesn’t turn to look at me. And I can’t move my hands to reach out for her. I can’t dislodge my tongue to speak. I am paralyzed.
She peeks into the open half of the casket and smiles.
“There’s so much more to do.” she says to herself as she crawls into the casket. And like slipping under her covers, she scoots her legs under the closed half and then lays down on top of her body, immediately disappearing into it—
My eyes open. I don’t remember closing them. What did I just see? Was it all just a vision? Her spirit laid back into her body… but, nothing has changed. We’re still saying goodbye.
Janet is next to me, whispering something under her breath as she lightly brushes her hand across Marcy’s forehead. Maybe a prayer? But, I can’t say a word. I can’t even look at Marcy anymore.
Why would you give me a vision like this, Lord? I never expected her to come back to life. I came to say goodbye. Why give me hope of this again? It completely derailed my faith when dad didn’t come back.
Is this just a test? Will I trust You even in this, my biggest disappointment? Why would you give me hope, when I wasn’t even looking for it?
“My God,” Janet’s whisper fills me with shivers. I can feel the tremble in her hand.
“Hi, mommy.” Is this actually happening? “Hi, daddy.”
Acknowledgements
My Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. You are my Light in this dark, dark world. Without You, I am nothing. And without You, this book wouldn’t exist. Let You, and You alone be praised.
Jillian Marie. My wife, my best friend, my partner on this crazy ride called life. I want no one else. The cover looks amazing and your notes have been very helpful. Thanks, J-Bird.
Mom. You have supported me from the very beginning. You’ll never understand how much that means to me. I am forever grateful.
Dad. Gone but not forgotten. You lived your life for Jesus, fearlessly. I want to do the same.
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