There was no more anger in her blue eyes. No more hurt. Only absolute honesty and a pleading that would have sent me to my knees if I’d been standing.
“I can’t keep doing this, Luc. This isn’t me.” She glanced up at the chains above her head, rattled them, then met my gaze once more. “I’m not this jealous woman. I know you weren’t doing anything behind my back, but your family, this House... They’re making me crazy. It’s too much for me.”
My heart picked up speed. She wasn’t saying what it sounded like. She couldn’t be.
She drew a deep breath. “Maybe away from your family, if we had a normal relationship, I could deal with everything, but not here. Not with your House doing everything it can to sabotage us. It’s already changing me, making me do things and react in ways that aren’t me. And you know I’m right. You told me once that you liked it when I challenged you. But this isn’t challenging you. This is stupid. And dangerous. I shouldn’t have come here tonight. I know it’s not safe. But this...all of it...it’s turning me into someone I don’t want to be. Someone I can’t stand. And I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t want to one day wake up and be like your mother.”
Panic surged inside me, pushing me to my feet. “That won’t happen. You’re nothing like my mother.”
“Maybe not now. But I will be. The way you keep me in the dark abou—”
“I won’t anymore.” I crossed to her, my heart pounding double-time as I cupped my hands around her jaw and lifted her face towards mine. “I’ll tell you everything. No more secrets. I was going to tell you about this party today. This morning before I left, I said there were things I wanted to talk to you about. I was planning to tell you then ab—”
“You don’t get it,” she said softly, blinking damp lashes up at me. “I don’t want to know. That’s part of the problem. I can’t handle it. None of this is normal. And this...” She looked down at my shirt. “This relationship between us is too much. It’s too intense. It’s not healthy. When I’m with you, it’s like a high I’ve never known. But when you leave, like today, and I don’t know what’s happening or when you’ll be back, I can’t breathe.”
“Natalie.” I gently tugged the mask over her head, dropped it on the floor, then tipped her chin up, forcing her to look at me again. “I already told you, I would never—”
“I know. And I believe you. Now. But what happens in a year? Or five years? Or—”
“You’re the only woman I want. The only one I will ever want.”
“We both know that one day soon, you are going to take over your father’s spot with your House,” she said, “and when you do, the choice won’t be up to you as to what you can or cannot share with me. And I can’t live like that. I can’t live with the secrets. With the worry. With the never-ending doubt. One way or another, it will destroy me, Luc. It will destroy us even if neither of us wants it to.”
She stared up at me, eyes damp and filled with so much agony, I ached to console her, to hold her. I reached up for the buckle on her right cuff. “That won’t happen. We won’t let it happen.”
“Tell me honestly. Do any of the thirteen Knights have happy, whole marriages?”
My fingers froze against the restraint, and I faltered as I stared down at her, because we both already knew the answer to her question.
None of the Thirteen had happy marriages. They didn’t because of the rituals. Because of the things they were forced to witness. Even the strongest broke down and eventually participated.
“Luc,” she whispered. “I don’t want to face the day—maybe years from now—when you look at me and feel nothing, all because we didn’t have the strength to admit our reality now.”
“That’s not going to happen.” I flipped the buckle on her restraint, freeing her right arm.
While I reached for the other buckle, she looked up at me and whispered, “It will because I love you.”
Heat and life and joy burst inside my chest as I released her other arm and looked down at her. But before I could grab her and pull her against me, she shook her head, the agonizing look in her blue eyes stopping me.
“I love you more than I thought I could ever love another person,” she whispered. “And that’s the problem. Maybe if I didn’t love you this much, I could deal with everything else and be okay. But not this. Not this gut-wrenching emptiness every time I think of you leaving me. I’ve survived a lot of people walking out of my life, but I won’t survive you. It’ll break me. For good. If you love me, if you care about me at all, you have to let me go before that happens.”
I stared at her, torn between elation and anguish because that love was only causing her misery. “I...” My voice was thick, my mouth like cotton. “Even if I wanted to, I can’t. It’s not safe. Yo—”
“It is safe. It was safe for Sela. It’s still safe for her and dozens of other girls.”
Her meaning hit me like a two-by-four to the head, sending me back a step. “You’ve already talked to Felicity.”
“Not about me specifically, but about how it works... Yeah.”
In that moment, I knew she hadn’t just talked to Felicity. She’d already considered all the ramifications and consequences. And she still wanted to go through with it.
“But...” My mind spun. “I won’t be able to find you. I’ll never know where you are.”
“I know.”
The way she stared up at me—not with anger or jealousy or even that challenging look I’d come to adore—but with hope nearly rocked the floor right out from under me.
My legs buckled, and I stumbled back until I sank to the steps behind me, a firestorm spreading through my chest, stealing my breath and my ability to fight. Every instinct I had screamed for me to kiss her, to pick her up, to carry her to that bed, to take her hard and fast and force her to feel the connection still raging between us, but I couldn’t because sex wasn’t going to fix the problems between us. And keeping her with me wouldn’t do anything but make her hate me more than she already did.
My eyes grew hot. My throat tightened. Pushing quickly to my feet, I turned and moved for the door.
“Where are you going?” Natalie asked at my back.
“I need a minute.” Fuck. I was going to lose it in a matter of seconds. I jerked the door open and managed to keep my voice from cracking when I said, “Don’t go anywhere. And keep the door locked until I get back. I’ll knock three times so you know it’s me.”
“Luc—”
I didn’t wait around to hear what else she had to say. I jerked the door shut after me and stood in the dark hallway, sure my chest was about to explode. When it didn’t, I slowly leaned back against the steel door and closed my eyes, breathing deeply, fighting the spasms that wanted to grab hold, working like hell not to break like Niagara Falls.
Holy fuck, this hurt. Worse than I’d ever thought it could. Pain spiraled through every inch of my body as I breathed in and out and told myself I wasn’t having a heart attack. Silence echoed around me like a wide, vast chasm of nothing, one I couldn’t help but notice was as empty as my life.
Somehow I found the strength to push myself away from the door and stumble toward the stairs. I wasn’t sure where I was going, I just moved in a fog. Blinking, I realized I was back in the ballroom, but the space was virtually empty now, not packed with people drinking and dancing and making depraved arrangements as it had been earlier.
I crossed the empty dance floor toward the long mahogany bar on the other end of the room and signaled the bartender. He dropped the rag he was using to wipe down the shiny surface and reached for a glass and bottle of Macallan from the shelf at his back.
“You look like you could use the whole bottle,” he said in Italian, setting both on the bar in front of me.
As he returned to whatever he’d been doing, I poured myself a generous shot and tossed it back, savoring the burn straight into my gut. I was just about to pour another, slowly feeling the buzz from the three I’d already downed, when the barte
nder slid my cell phone across the bar toward me and said, “They told me to give you this when you came back.”
I stared down at the dark screen of my phone—the stupid fucking phone that was responsible for all this. If I’d just had the damn thing today, if I’d called Natalie earlier and told her I’d be late—
No, that wouldn’t have stopped this, I realized, my chest squeezing tight and those tears I’d been fighting blurring my vision. There was no stopping this. From the minute I’d gotten involved with Natalie, we’d been on a crash course toward this moment. And I’d known it. I’d known and I hadn’t cared. I’d pushed and manipulated and seduced until I’d gotten my way, and now I hadn’t just ruined my life, I’d fucked hers to hell as well.
My hand shook as I typed a message to Fee and hit Send. Even though all I wanted to do was grab that bottle and down the whole damn thing so I could fall into a drunken stupor where I’d forget tonight—the last six weeks—had ever happened, I didn’t touch it. I tucked my phone into my back pocket and turned for the doorway.
I felt as if I were moving through water, in slow motion, against the current, every step labored. The bottom corridor was still empty and quiet when I reached it, but I checked each and every door to make sure they were locked, just in case. Now that I’d set things in motion, I had a singular focus, and I was counting on that focus getting me through what I needed to do next, even if a little bit of my soul was being shredded with every fucking step.
I stopped in front of the last door, shut down my emotions, and rapped my knuckles against the steel three times.
For several heartbeats, nothing but my own pulse echoed in my ears, and then a click sounded, and the heavy door hinges creaked.
I slid into the room before Natalie could pull the door all the way open. She blinked up at me with wide eyes, confused, I knew, about where I’d gone and what I’d done, but I couldn’t look at her.
“Is everything okay?” she asked.
I scanned the room, spotted her mask on the floor, and crossed quickly to get it.
“Luc, what’s going on?”
I couldn’t look at her. It was the only way I was going to get through this. And I had to get through this. She was right. If she stayed here any longer, it was going to destroy her. And I wasn’t my father. I wouldn’t do to her what my father had done to my mother. I’d never be able to live with myself if I woke up one day and realized I’d completely broken her. I handed her the mask, careful not to touch her fingers. “Put this back on, just in case.”
She took the mask from me and slid it back on, watching as I stepped past her and grabbed my own mask from the armoire where I’d dropped it earlier. I felt her eyes on me, but I didn’t meet her gaze, and as I moved back toward her, I knew she was searching for something to say, but I didn’t want to listen. All I wanted was to get this over with so she could get the fuck out of here and move on. Then after she was gone—
Motherfucker. I couldn’t even think about what I’d do after she was gone.
My phone buzzed. I pulled it from my pocket, read the response from Fee, and fought the sickness surging up my throat.
“That’s our signal,” I managed, reaching for the doorknob with fingers I hoped she didn’t notice were shaking. “Stay close to me and don’t speak, especially if we run into anyone.”
“I won’t, but, Luc...” Her hand closed over mine. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.
My vision blurred, and I blinked rapidly as I stared down at her warm fingers closed around my cold ones. She was sorry? I would have laughed if I weren’t on the verge of blubbering like a baby. She had nothing to be sorry for. I was the one who’d done all this. I was the one responsible. I was the one who deserved every ounce of the blame, not her.
Somehow, I found the strength to mutter, “No, I am,” then I shook off her hand, pulled the door open and peered into the dark hallway.
It was just as quiet and empty as it had been before, and I breathed easier, knowing we were in the clear. Stepping out into the corridor, I motioned for her to follow. She did, moving silently, but when she turned back toward the stairs we’d come down earlier, I shook my head and pointed over her shoulder toward the floor-to-ceiling mirror at the end of the hall.
Her brow wrinkled again as I stepped past her and headed toward the mirror, but she did as I’d said and stayed close at my heels. Running a hand down the side of the thick silver frame, I found the button that released the lock, and was just about to pull back the entire mirror that was actually a door when footsteps sounded on the stairs at the other end of the hall, followed by laughter.
Natalie’s hand closed over my biceps, and when I looked down at where she touched me, she moved into me, slid her other hand around my nape, and yanked my head down to hers. “Quick,” she whispered, pulling me in front of her so her back was against the wall beside the mirror, and I was blocking any view of our faces. “Before they recognize us.”
I didn’t know what she had planned, but the second she lifted her mouth to mine, I was lost.
Lost and unable to hold back one last time.
Chapter Nineteen
Natalie
I knew what I wanted. I knew what I needed to do to protect my heart and mind. But the instant Luc kissed me, I forgot everything but him.
This. The way we fit together. The feelings he stirred inside me when he pulled me in, when he consumed me, when he claimed me and reminded me just how perfect it was to be his...
All that rushed through my heart and mind as his mouth moved over mine. The reason I’d kissed him faded from my memory. The anger that had spurred me to follow him to this mansion dissipated. The only thing that lingered was him. This moment.
Us.
He drew back long before I was ready to let him go, and I was sure if he hadn’t been pressing me into the wall I’d have swayed. Blinking, I looked up into his mesmerizing eyes, unable to think, unable to speak, unable to do anything but hold on to his strength and an emotion I was suddenly terrified I’d never feel again.
A quote I’d read once in college filtered through my mind as our eyes held. One that said love was a fire. That eventually it disfigured everyone in its path. I wasn’t sure who’d said it, but it had stuck with me all these years because I’d believed it to be true. I’d seen love incinerate my parents. I’d lived through the scars after my ex had dumped me. I’d even witnessed it destroy Elena. But as I stared up at Luc in that dark corridor, something in the back of my mind whispered that fire doesn’t always consume. It also purifies. It illuminates the darkness. And all those who rise from its ashes, stronger and more resilient, first have to endure the burn of its flames.
He let go of me and stepped back, breaking eye contact, sending a chill over my skin. Reaching for the edge of the mirror’s frame once more, he said, “Come on. They’re gone. Let’s go before anyone else comes down here.”
I didn’t know where the people I’d heard on the stairs had gone. I didn’t remember them passing us or moving through one of the doors in the hallway. All I could think about as I stepped through the hidden doorway and into some kind of secret passageway was Luc. That kiss. The connection between us that was still so powerful. And walking away from that—from him—for good.
He closed the door behind us, dousing the stone tunnel in darkness. My pulse ticked up, but seconds later, he flipped on the light from his phone, using it as a flashlight. With a muttered “Come on,” he stepped in front of me and led the way. He didn’t take my hand. Didn’t try to touch me again. But my skin still warmed as if he were holding me. My lips tingled with the memory of that kiss. And my heart raced as indecision warred inside me, reason and logic in a bitter battle to keep me sane.
I wasn’t sure how long we walked, but eventually we came to another steel door, this one thicker than the ones I’d seen in the mansion. Luc told me to step back, to remain in the shadows while he checked to make sure the exit wasn’t being watched, and I did as he said, mostly because
I couldn’t do anything else when my heart was beating double time. Moonlight slanted through the door as he pushed it open. I held my breath while he stepped outside. Seconds later, the door pulled open wider, and he motioned for me to join him.
The air was fresh, the ground damp as if a rain shower had just come through. Moonlight illuminated tall trees around us—trees I hadn’t remembered seeing when Felicity had brought me to the mansion.
“Where are we?” I asked as Luc closed the heavy door and carefully camouflaged the entrance with brush.
“On the edge of the estate. We’ve still got about a mile walk.” He tugged his mask off, stuffed it into the pocket of his slacks, and turned toward the trees. “Come on. Fee’s waiting for us.”
I tugged my own mask off, unsteady and conflicted as I followed. He didn’t speak, but his pace wasn’t hurried, which was one relief—at least it meant we weren’t being pursued. I slipped my heels off as I followed him through the forest. We went up and down several small hills, over a stream, staying off any main paths where we might be spotted. And even though my feet hurt, I was suddenly scared to death of what would happen when we reached our destination. Because every time I looked at Luc’s back in the moonlight, I thought of that kiss, of the way he’d held me, of all the things I felt when I was with him and just how empty my life had been before him.
We crested a hill, and I spotted lights reflecting off wet pavement not far ahead. My pulse picked up. There were two cars parked on the side of a dark road. Two figures leaned up against the trunk of the closest car. A man and a woman. And through the eerie darkness, low voices met my ears. Familiar voices. Marco’s and Felicity’s.
Luc picked up his pace, reaching the cars before me, and as I drew closer, I heard the three of them speaking quietly in Italian. Their voices died off as I approached. Luc didn’t turn to look at me, but Marco and Felicity both met my gaze with sad smiles that spoke volumes.
Felicity immediately reached for my hand and squeezed. “Are you sure about this, Natalie?”