December
Copyright 2012 Dora Achieng Okeyo
Leila
I was at the Lounge having my daily dose of coffee when he walked in. I didn’t have to look to know it was him. I heard the laugh, and then as he drew nearer, took in his cologne. He uses Hugo Boss, and that musky scent is unique. I didn’t look at him. I couldn’t. He took the seat next to me and sighed. He then told his friends, “Guys, meet Leila.” They looked at me, then him, then me again-and took the seats on the other side of the restaurant. I switched off my music player and put it inside my bag. Maxwell, looked as radiant as I recalled-only a little different. He was uncertain. We looked at each other, and then I smiled. He smiled at me and looked down at my hands. They were resting on the table. He reached for it. “That’s a nice rock you have there,” he said.
“I got it from a guy one Friday night.”
“How did you get it?”
“He kissed me as he slipped it into my finger.”
“How did that feel?”
“Hot and cold.”
“So, what did you do?”
“I left him standing there and went home. I slept it off and woke up like nothing happened. I have never seen the Guy, or thought of answering his messages and calls.”
“Why would you do that? Didn’t you want the ring?”
“No.”
“Did you love the guy?”
“No.”
“Why did you kiss him then?”
“I kissed him, because he was the one.”
“The One- as in what you women think is Mr. Right?”
“Yes.”
“Then why did you leave him and ignore him all this time?”
“It felt right. It still does.” Maxwell looked at me then sighed. “Enough with the games Leila! This is not a game! We are not on a chess board! This is real…I mean, look at me, look at me Leila!” I looked at him and smiled. He was in pain. I felt it.
“You have no right Maxwell.”
“Did you get my letter?”
“Was it yours or mine?”
“I forgot you’re a smart mouth, I mean did you get the letter I wrote you?”
“Yes, I did.”
“And, did you read it Leila?”
“I didn’t have to.”
“So, what are you saying?”
“I got the letter and I have never read it. I don’t think I ever will.”
“Why?”
“I know what you wrote. I know what you’d say, so there’s no need reading it.”
“Do you love me Leila? At least tell me that.”
“No, I don’t.”
“I have met so many people Leila, but none are as cold as you- and to think that all this time, you were maybe thinking of giving me a chance, it’s just sad that I love you for even not loving me. God! I am stupid. Here I am talking to you when I could be having a good time with my friends. Friends who think I’ve gone crazy looking for you, yet…you know what, I hope he’s worth it, I hope that sick bastard is worthy of your love!”
“I guess you are right Maxwell. I am sorry, maybe I will tell that sick bastard to take back his ring and go look for someone who will wear it everywhere she goes, even to bed.” He stopped at this and hit the table with his fists. He spilled my coffee and had the waitress come to our table. I looked at her and told her we were fine. His friends looked at me. They aimed their guns at me. If only eyes could heal, and not kill, then the world would be a better place. I looked at Maxwell who was staring outside the window. He fought back tears, by suppressing a laugh. Then he started laughing and said “I get it now.”
“Do you really?”
“True life is lived when tiny changes occur.”
“Leo Tolstoy.”
“With our thoughts we make the world.”
“Buddha.”
“I love you Leila.”
“No, you don’t.”
“How can you tell?”
“You haven’t died for it. You are still hiding the real you from me Maxwell, and until then, there’s nothing much you can do to prove otherwise.”
“Must you play this game of circles Leila? What more proof do you want?”
“I don’t want proof.”
“Then for Chrissake! What do you want? Just tell me and I will do it!”
“I want you.”
“But, I’m here! Can’t you see?”
“No.”
“Leila! I am not your ex, and I will not do what he did. Just give me a chance to prove that I love you and let me be with you.”
“You were never my ex. I have never compared you to him. It’s you who has right now. You are Maxwell, and so much more. What I cannot stand is you doing your best to be some good guy, just perfect- but I don’t want perfect Maxwell, I want you. I want you to get angry when you are. I want you to lose it when you think I am pushing things too far. I want you to hold me like you own the most precious thing. I even want you to look at me, with that glistening look like you are unwrapping a gift-I have seen you do it, and for all that there’s more to you. I want you to know that in the next ten minutes I will want something different of you-and that you can deliver it all and much more. I am a roller-coaster, and I love it. Question is are you willing to get aboard and live or will you operate the control switch?”
“I love you Leila- and no matter how many times you say you change like the wind, I won’t be blown away or swayed.”
“I’m glad to hear that, would you like some coffee?”
“I’d love to, only if you tell me something.”
“Okay, what would you want to know?”
“Did you mean it when you said, you didn’t love me?”
“Yes. I did.”
“Is there something I am doing wrong?”
“Maybe. But, I said I didn’t love you a while back. It was because whoever was talking to me was not the Maxwell I adore.”
“So, am I adorable now?”
“You sometimes are Maxwell. It’s just that you play yourself short.”
“I am never going to win this, am I?”
“Win what?”
“This whole stand-off between us, but I am dying to kiss you again Leila, just so you know.”
“I know, you haven’t looked at me in the eye for a while-just my lips and left hand.”
“Can you blame me for wanting you?”
“No, I guess not- but why do you blame me for not needing you?”
“It’s not the same thing Leila. You still haven’t told me that you love me, and for a guy, believe it or not-that hurts.”
“You don’t seem hurt Maxwell.”
“These past three weeks have been hell Leila. It’s just not right, not knowing whether you feel the same or not, and wanting to see you again-and for you to have just walked off into the night- I still didn’t get it.”
“Why didn’t you come after me?”
“You didn’t want me to. It would have never made a difference.”
“Why didn’t you come to my place then?”
“It didn’t feel right- it was like you were testing me. You still are.”
“I am, but I know you will pass.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“I know it. I can see it in you-besides you started listening to Bach and Schubert and that goes a long way in my adoration of you.”
“You are something Leila. Why did you say you felt ‘hot and cold’ that night?”
“I felt hot, then cold right as I was walking away.”
“Why did you walk away?”
“I wanted you to love yourself, before you cared to share that with me. It’s all I ever want for you, yet it’s the hardest thing for you to do.”
“Can I sit beside you Leila?”
“Sure, why not?” He sa
t beside me and we talked about music. He said that I was in the wrong profession. He said I would make a good choreographer if I really wanted. I told him I didn’t want to and we just sat there. At times looking at Maxwell, I think I am making the right decision. At times, I think I am hanging on hoping he’d be the guy he really is. Whoever said that love was eternal, told the truth. It’s like a cord that never snaps or has knots. Maxwell kept asking me if I loved him. For him the phrase “I love you” means so much more- and to me, it’s a vow. They are three words that could make or break. I am not going to tell him what I know. I am showing him the best way I can. He thinks I am playing hard to get. He’s a great guy; he has such zeal for advancing in his career but not his personality. It’s like he’d rather have so much money, but know very little of himself. I adore Maxwell, isn’t that enough? But, who knows, maybe one day he’d learn. But, like I said, it is not a dream-he is real. Maxwell is real; the ring I wear is real. His touch and breath are all real, same goes for his anguish. Do you know what’s funny? I was listening to Olly Murs’ album “Right Place Right Time” when he walked into the Lounge. It’s like I would meet him at the right place and at the right time. His hand covers mine.
Maxwell
I have never been through so much pain loving someone before. I still don’t understand Leila. She has this way of confusing me and it’s not right. She says one thing but means another. Sarcasm is her name. I wasn’t expecting her that day. I walked into the Lounge and there she was. I could smell her. Her Jasmine scent filled the room, and she was sitting at her usual spot. She had her hair braided. I walked to her table and looked at her. It was her. She smiled at me and I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t tempted to kiss her senseless then. A guy has to exercise control at times. I mean, look at what happened to Adam in that garden. Better yet, David had his share