I swallowed her moans as I shifted between her legs. I groaned deeply as I found her entrance. Bella’s hands moved to the backs of my thighs and slowly guided me inside. My arms, braced at the side of her head, shook as I felt her heat wrap around me. My teeth gritted together as I pushed all the way inside her. Bella’s head snapped back as I dropped mine and peppered kisses along her slim neck. Her hands threaded in my hair, keeping me close to her skin.
“Rider,” she murmured. I pulled back my hips, then thrust back inside. I kissed her neck again then lifted my gaze. Bella’s head rolled on the pillow. Her eyes locked on mine . . . and she obliterated my heart with her smile.
In such a short space of time, she had become my everything. My morning, noon and night. My reason to wake each day. In the end, she had been the greatest blessing I could ever have prayed for.
A saint for the ultimate sinner.
I reached for her hands. I laced them both through mine and drew them above her head. My face hovered above hers as I moved my hips faster and faster. And I never looked away. I wanted her to see in my eyes exactly what she meant to me. I wanted to replace the horrors in my mind with her stunning face.
Those ice-blue eyes, the long black lashes, her flawless pale skin, her plump pink lips . . . I wanted to speak, to tell her everything I felt, but I knew I couldn’t open my mouth. My emotions were too high.
I just wished I had known her before.
I wished so badly I’d met her before I became the man I did. Before I ruined lives . . . before I helped in the murder of hundreds of souls.
Bella’s face blurred. I blinked, realizing that tears had clouded my eyes. The droplets splashed onto Bella’s flushed cheeks. Bella’s hands squeezed mine. She lifted our joined hands to my eyes and wiped away the wetness. My heart broke when I saw she was crying too.
“Bella,” I rasped, stilling.
She shook her head and her face tore with pain. “I cannot bear it, Rider.”
“What?” I asked, lying closer against her—flesh to flesh, heart to heart.
“What you are doing to yourself.” Bella sniffed back her tears. “The blame . . . the guilt that you are letting eat you alive.” She searched my eyes. “Blaming yourself for today. This was your brother. It is what he has always done to you, manipulated you. Even now, in death, he has somehow laid the catastrophe at your feet, and you accept the burden of this blame with open arms.”
“Because it’s true. I am to blame.”
Bella stared at me silently. She started rocking her hips in slow, subtle movements. I closed my eyes and let my forehead rest upon hers. Bella freed one of her hands and combed it through my hair. She brought my ear to her lips. “Then I absolve you from that guilt. If you need someone to forgive you, let me be the one to offer you forgiveness.”
Her hips worked faster, my body reacting to the relentless rhythm. But then I cried, I fucking cried as she repeated her words. “I forgive you, baby. I forgive you for what you have done.” The emotion got trapped in my throat. Bella’s breath began breaking into short, sharp gasps.
“Rider,” she whispered as her heart beat a damn symphony against my chest. “Rider.” Her hand tightened in my hair. My muscles tensed as I thrust harder, pushing the breath from my lungs. Bella froze in my arms, her breasts pressing into me as her back arched. She cried out into the crook of my neck, pulling me as close as she physically could.
The feel of her contracting around me was my undoing. Unable to hold back any longer, I pushed into her three more times and roared out my release, my voice cut and raw, weak from today. I came with her hand in my hair and her voice whispering, “I forgive you. I love you. It is time to be free.”
My head fell into the pillow. For a brief moment, there were no faces in my mind, there were no voices in my ears. There was just us.
“I love you,” Bella whispered.
“I love you too,” I said raggedly. “You have been the only good I’ve ever known. You’ve been the heaven I was searching for after all. Not the faith, or the prayers . . . just you . . . only you.”
Love filled Bella’s face, and she shifted beneath me. I moved from inside her and she curled up on the bed. She laid her head on my chest, her arm over my waist. Her warm breath drifted over my skin as I played with her damp hair.
The room was silent. Almost as if she was reading my mind, Bella said, “The men in the bar are quiet . . . they must have gone to bed too.”
“Yeah,” I said in return.
Bella’s sleepy face tipped up toward me. “Sleep, baby. Everything will be better tomorrow. Everything is always better when the sun rises again. It will bring a new day. It will lighten the burden from your soul.”
My heart squeezed at her words. Her eyes began to drop with sleep. Before they closed, I said, “Thank you, Bella. Thank you for loving me . . . for it all. You’ll never know how much you have meant to me. How much peace you have given me.”
“Thank you.” She smiled. “Thank you for saving my life.”
Bella was asleep in minutes. Her breathing deepened and I knew she was sleeping well. But my eyes stayed open. I watched as the lightning outside grew brighter, the distant storm closing in. The rain beat louder on the windows, and the thunder growled up ahead.
I looked at the clock on the table and took a deep breath. I had to go. I gently moved Bella from my body and laid her back on the mattress. I froze as she moved in her sleep, but her breathing evened out again. I looked down at the woman who had stolen my heart. I tried to drink in her every feature. Commit every part of her to memory.
I would never forget this night. In all my life, I had never truly been told I was loved. Eight letters, three simple words, that smashed into your soul with the force and devastation of a comet. “I love you,” I whispered, needing to tell her again. “Happiness is waiting for you, baby. Only good from now on. Only freedom.”
I padded over to the bathroom and picked up my leathers from the floor. I didn’t even care that they were covered in dried blood. It wouldn’t matter soon enough.
I couldn’t look at Bella as I crept out of the room. I hadn’t bothered with a shirt. My feet were bare. The bar was a ghost town as I walked through—glasses abandoned half-finished, pool games half-played.
I went out of the back exit and into the yard. The warm rain pelted down as I headed down the grass verge. My feet sank into the wet, muddy ground. My hair stuck to my back.
With every step I took, I pictured Bella in my head. And I smiled. I smiled for the life she would have. The things she would do and see . . . the person she would love. And as much as it pained me to think of her doing these things without me, loving someone else, it brought a peace to my heart that I never thought I would ever feel.
Bella free . . . safe.
It was good.
I saw the dim light up ahead as I broke through the line of trees. The door of the old barn was already open and waiting for me. I counted my steps as I approached. In twenty steps I made it to the door. I paused at the threshold. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and walked inside.
The barn was silent as I roved my eyes around the room. One by one the brothers turned to see me. I met each of their eyes as they stood, some to the left, some to the right, a man-made path leading the way to where they wanted me to pay.
I took a deep breath and walked forward. The brothers, all dressed in leathers and cuts, watched me as I passed. But I kept my eyes straight forward. The sound of hands twisting on crowbars and the clanging of knives accompanied my journey. I arrived at the front. I tipped my head up and saw two chains hanging from the roof. Metal cuffs hung at their ends.
I moved directly under the chains, then turned to face the brothers. A sea of my former friends glared back at me. The humid storm brought sweat to their faces, their bare chests. Most were covered in residual blood, having not showered after the massacre at the commune.
I supposed there was no point.
I looked over the br
others I’d hurt with my actions: AK, Tank, Bull, Viking, Flame. I saw the new brothers I’d never got the chance to know: Hush, Cowboy, Tanner . . . And then there was Smiler. He was standing to the back of the brothers, a fucking tormented expression on his face. His long brown hair was tied back, and he held nothing in his hand. My stomach fell. He was the only one. Smiler was the only fucking one.
He had been a true friend to me. Even now, after everything. One I hadn’t ever deserved.
Unable to look into his pained eyes any longer, I moved my attention to Ky and Styx. The prez and VP were standing side by side at the front of the crowd. Styx was bare chested, not even wearing a cut. I could see why. A large swastika scar covered his chest—the one that my deception had caused. And in his hand was his German knife.
His favorite knife.
He glared at me, but I didn’t glare back. Instead I looked at Ky. The blond-haired brother stepped forward. Without being asked, I held up my arms. Ky moved to the lever on the wall and pulled it down, all without glancing away from me. I heard the chains moving down from above. Ky walked to me and shackled my wrists.
When he moved away, I looked straight forward and fixed my stare in place. The lever sounded again, and the chains began to pull on my arms. I gritted my teeth as the chains dragged my arms up until my shoulders screamed out in pain. My body lifted until my toes were an inch off the ground.
The chains locked; I was ready.
Styx came forward first. The only noises were the thunder and rain outside, and the sound of Flame pacing back and forth on the old floor.
Styx lifted his knife and placed the tip at my sternum. I closed my eyes. I closed my eyes and pictured Bella’s face. I needed the strength for what this night would bring.
Because this death would not be quick.
And I agreed that it shouldn’t be.
Then came the blistering pain of the blade being dragged down my flesh. I tried to breathe through the pain, my jaw aching with how tightly I was gritting my teeth.
The blade was released, and I opened my eyes, only to meet a crazed hazel stare. Styx panted in victory as he brought the blade to the side of my chest. This time I kept my eyes open while he completed the sign of the cross on my torso. My blood trickled down my chest, and my arms jerked in agony as my skin was ripped open. My shoulders screamed at the strain of holding my heavy body, but I fought back the shouts that were threatening to tear from my throat.
I would take it. I would fucking take it all.
Styx moved away, his chest shining with sweat.
Ky came next, dressed in only his pants and cut. His fists were wrapped in thick chains. The VP drew his arm back and sent blow after blow across my face, my ribs and stomach. My head snapped back at the attack, my body swung on the chains. But he was far from done.
I was a turncoat.
It was time to pay my penance to Hades with no coins on my eyes.
As Ky’s blows subsided, I saw the brothers all gathering to take their revenge. I closed my eyes again, and this time vowed never to open them.
Instead I pictured Bella’s face.
I pictured her eyes, her lips and her smile. I imagined her touch, her whispered words . . . her confession of love.
And even as the taste of my own blood filled my mouth, I smiled. Because at least I’d known what true love really was. I kept that feeling in my heart. I kept that warmth in my chest, until the pain from the brothers’ blows all but faded away.
Until the darkness I deserved began creeping in.
Chapter Seventeen
Bella
I jumped awake as a loud crack of thunder sounded directly above me. I blinked into the dark room, struggling to get my bearings.
The bedroom in the clubhouse.
Memories of earlier drifted into my mind, and I smiled. I love you, he had said. My Rider. My Rider . . .
Stretching out my hand, I searched for my husband. I frowned when I was met with cold sheets. I lifted my head and cast my gaze around the moonlit room.
Nothing.
I jerked upright. My heart, for some reason, was pounding in my chest. “Rider?” I said quietly. No response came. Jumping from the bed, I rushed to the bathroom . . . but it was all quiet.
I flicked on the light and bent down to search through his clothes. His pants were gone. His boots and shirt were still where I had left them.
I did not understand it, but a feeling of dread burgeoned in my chest.
I slipped on my long black dress and put on my sandals. I rushed through the door, searching the hallway. The clubhouse was silent. I passed through the bar; there was no one in sight.
“Where are you?” I whispered aloud.
Acting on instinct, I bolted out of the door and into the yard. The rain poured over my head, but I did not care. I had to find Rider. Something was not right, I could feel it.
I took off through the woods, toward Mae’s home, my sandals slipping on the wet ground. I ran and I ran, pushing my legs as fast as they would go. By the time her home came into view, I was struggling to breathe. But I had to get help. I just knew I needed help.
By the time I arrived, I was drenched. I slammed my hand on the door. “Mae!” I called out, screaming to be heard over the storm. “MAE!”
The door opened, and Mae stood before me in her red nightdress. “Bella?” she asked, looking at my soaked state.
“Is your fiancé here?” I asked.
Mae frowned. “No, he said he had business to attend to.”
My heart beat faster, and I backed away from the door. Lilah. I had to try Lilah’s. I jumped off the porch and ran up the hill to Lilah’s house.
“Bella! Wait!” I heard Mae call out after me, but I could not stop. Lilah’s door opened before I could even knock. She slipped out onto the porch and shut the door.
“Bella?” She glanced behind her. “Grace is sleeping. I could hear your frantic voice all the way from Mae’s house.”
“Is Ky here?” I asked hurriedly.
Lilah shook her head. “He is attending to business tonight.”
I shook my head and my chest began to burn with the threat of tears. “No,” I whispered, just as Mae, Sister Ruth and Brother Stephen came rushing up the path to Lilah’s home.
“Bella!” Mae said and came to my side.
I turned to my sister. “Rider . . . he is missing.” I turned back to Lilah. “Styx and Ky are missing too.” I placed my hands on my head. “We were sleeping and he snuck out. Why would he sneak out? He only took his pants. He did not even dress for wherever he was going.”
My heart sank as I glanced through the thick forest of trees. From the height of Lilah’s home, I could see to the bottom of the verge. “No,” I whispered when I saw dim lights in the distance. “The barn,” I said under my breath. “No!” I started running.
“Bella!” I heard Mae call. “Ruth, Stephen, stay here with Grace. Lilah, come with me. We need to get Maddie.”
I heard my sisters talking behind me, but I could only focus on my destination. My eyes locked on the barn as I sprinted through the mud and the rain. Branches slapped at my face and fallen twigs sliced at my feet. But I did not care. They had Rider . . . they had my Rider. I just knew it.
“Rider,” I whispered as I tried to increase my speed. “What have you done?”
My lungs were starved of breath, but I pushed the uncomfortable feeling aside. I finally arrived at the rickety building on my right. The dim light from inside escaped through the cracks in the wooden walls. I could see movement from inside. People were in there.
Rider.
Pushing my oxygen-starved muscles to move, I darted for the door. I felt like time had slowed to half speed. I reached for the door handle, and it seemed take forever for me to grasp the knob. I opened the door. The sight before me knocked all the newfound happiness from my heart.
“No,” I whispered, as my eyes fixed on the end of the room. Rider . . . Rider—bruised, slashed and beaten, hanging from c
hains. His head had flopped down to his chest, his wet brown hair hanging in clumps over his blood-soaked chest.
“STOP!” I screamed and ran into the room. I threw out my hands and began pushing loud, excited, bloodthirsty men from my path. My breath was knocked out of me as their large bodies collided with mine. But I would not stop. My ears filled with the sound of my rushing blood as I plowed toward the front of the crowd. I broke through the last of the men and stopped before Rider.
“Rider,” I cried when I saw him up close. His body hung at an odd angle. A giant cross was carved into his torso, and his face was bloodied and swollen.
“Rider,” I cried, louder this time. His eyes tried to open at the sound of my voice. When I heard the men quieten behind me, my intense sorrow morphed into a surge of anger. Such uncontrollable anger that I could not contain my wrath.
I spun around and faced the men that had so wickedly, so cruelly, savaged the one I loved. They were panting with exertion, high from the adrenaline of their sick torture. I backed up and up again until my spine was almost at Rider’s front. I held my hands out to my sides.
They would not get to him again.
Mae’s love, Styx, stepped forward, his bare chest spattered with Rider’s blood, a dirty knife in his hand. His green eyes were lit with vengeful fire, and they narrowed on me.
Lilah’s husband came up beside him. He had chains around his fists, Rider’s blood masking the silver metal. My teeth gritted together, and I hissed, “Get back! Do not dare come any closer!”
All the brothers closed in. I knew it was to frighten me. But what they did not know was they were far from the worst thing I had ever faced in my life. And right then the only thing that scared me was the thought of them taking my love from my life.
“Bella, get the fuck gone,” Ky ordered in a harsh, menacing voice. He was breathing deeply, his blond hair damp with sweat.
I shook my head and moved further back. Rider’s legs brushed against my spine, and my heart fell when the simple touch of my body on his elicited a pained moan from his mouth.