He chucked me down on the bed like a sack of potatoes. I bounced and then came to rest. I pushed my hair out of my face and looked up to find him standing there, as if he was waiting for something.
“Come here,” I said, reaching for him. He dived forward, catching himself with his arms so he didn’t crush me. He paused for a fraction of a second to let me tell him to stop, but I just pressed myself upward to capture his lips.
I didn’t know if I could tell him to stop.
Zan
It was the most shocking thing she’d ever said. All the time we’d been together, I hadn’t pushed her, had pulled back when she’d kissed me harder, never once thinking that she wanted more.
I wanted to ask her once again if she was sure, but her lips and her legs wrapping around me did the job of silencing me.
For a girl who didn’t have a lot of experience, she sure knew how to kiss. Maybe like people who were naturally good at singing, you could be naturally good at…
Charlotte tugging at the bottom of my shirt interrupted my mental ramblings.
“Shirt off,” she said, kissing my neck.
“Yes, my lady,” I said, biting her earlobe.
I yanked my shirt over my head and she ran her hands over my scars and traced some of the branches of my tattoo.
“I want to study this later.”
“You can study it all you want.”
“Later.” Her mouth went back to mine as her hands raced up and down my bare back. Fuck, she felt so good.
“Your shirt off,” I said, kissing from her ear to her neck, sucking on her sweet skin.
“If you insist…Hopefully it will be better than last time.” She sat up, and I helped her get the shirt off.
“Sweet fuck,” I hissed.
“That’s my line,” she said, tossing the shirt on the floor.
“Are you trying to make me lose it?”
“Blame Katie,” She said lying back so I could get a better look at the red lace bra. “So you like red, huh?”
“It’s my new favorite color.”
I dipped my head and kissed between her breasts, nuzzling them with my nose. I heard her gasp a little and I kissed her over the fabric. If we were going to do this, I was going to make it worth her while.
My pants were now unbearably tight, but I was going to make this about her, and that meant I was going to have to deal with my hard-on. I should be used to it by now.
As pretty as the red bra was, I wanted to see what was under it, but she was tugging at my pants.
“Pants off?” I said peering up at her from between her breasts. I could almost see her heart pounding.
“Yes, please.”
My hands moved down and undid the button of her jeans.
“I meant yours,” she said as I ever so slowly worked her zipper down. Then I dipped my tongue into her navel and she stopped talking.
“Has anyone ever told you,” I said, kissing from her navel downwards, “that you talk too much?”
“You,” she moaned. “And Will.”
“I don’t want to talk about your brother right now.”
“Good idea,” she breathed as I slowly started peeling her jeans off. I was really enjoying this. I’d never taken so much pleasure in going so slow before. Her every moan was worth it.
I was powerless as her fingers hooked into my belt loops and pulled me back to her mouth after I’d gotten her jeans off and reveal a matching set of red lace panties.
“Charlotte,” I growled as she undid the button on my pants, the zipper and started pulling them off me.
“I’m sure this isn’t probably how it normally goes, but I’ll get better at it. I just need some practice.”
The second her hand touched my dick through my boxers, I knew that if she touched it again, we weren’t going to get anywhere. I moved as fast as I could, pinning her underneath me. She shrieked, but it was a playful shriek.
“I don’t want you to touch me until I have had my way with you. Understand? You said you wanted to get off, so I’m going to get you off. You asked for it, so that’s what I’m going to do.”
“I’ve never seen you like this before.”
“I’ve never been this fucking turned on before.”
“Me neither.”
She leaned forward and kissed my chest. The scarred side. I shuddered as her tongue circled my nipple.
“I thought I was the one getting you off.”
“Tit for tat, sir.”
“My turn, my lady.”
Leaning forward, I kissed her lips softly, and then harder before moving down her neck and to her breasts again.
“I probably should have asked if you have a condom before we started all these shenanigans.”
“I have some in the drawer.”
She froze, and I stopped kissing her.
“How long have they been there? Don’t they have an expiration date? Have you been tested for STD’s? Oh my God, I should have asked beforehand. What is wrong with me? I always get mad at those girls who –”
I put my finger on her lips to silence the torrent of words.
“I have a non-expired condom. Several, actually. I had a physical just before I came to school and got a clean bill of health, and you were caught up in the moment.”
“Still doesn’t excuse my lack of common sense.”
“You have more common sense than any girl I know.”
“I’m talking too much again, aren’t I?”
I kissed her mouth and that cut off the talking.
Chapter Thirty-four
Lottie
“Where in the hell did you learn how to do that?”
“You don’t want to know,” he said, kissing the inside of my thigh as his fingers stroked me.
He’d absolutely ravaged me.
“I don’t think I can move.”
“You don’t have to.” He pulled himself up until he was next to me, but his fingers were still working, teasing, before he plunged them inside me.
“I can’t –”
“You know, the French call an orgasm. Le petit mort, or the little death.” He increased his pace with each word and crooked his fingers so they hit the exact right spot inside me. My hips reached for his hand and met his every thrust.
I felt like I was dying.
“Come for me, pretty girl. Let yourself die a little,” he whispered in my ear as I came around his fingers, crying out.
I watched him stick his fingers in his mouth and suck. It was unbelievably sexy.
“Did that meet your satisfaction, my lady?”
“Yeah, you could say that.”
I dragged my finger down his chest, stopping just short of his boxers. I felt guilty that he’d gone down on me, and I hadn’t done anything for him.
Besides, I wanted to see him. To touch him. To give him a little something of what he’d given me. Even if I couldn’t deep throat him like a porn star, I could at least give a hand job a go.
“Charlotte.”
“Oh, hush. It’s my turn.” I rolled onto my side so I could get easier access before he helped me get his boxers off.
Well, hello there sir.
I’d seen a few penises in my lifetime. Having a twin brother had given me an intimate knowledge of the organ. Still, it didn’t mean I knew what to do with it now that I had one in my hand.
“Shit, Charlotte,” he said, throwing his head back as I started to stroke him with my hand. I wasn’t doing a whole lot, but he seemed to like it. I went faster and he groaned, fisting the sheets in his hands.
I had him in the palm of my hand.
“God, I want to be inside you,” he hissed through his teeth.
I looked down at his dick in my hand. It was a lot larger than a few fingers. Was I ready for that?
“Fuck it. You got that condom?”
His eyes went wide.
“Are you sure?”
“I love you. I want you. You gave me something. Now I want to give you something.”
/>
He kissed me hard while reaching into the night stand beside the bed and pulling out a condom.
“This I can do,” I said taking it from him and ripping it, and rolling it on like I’d been doing it for years. He gave me a look.
“It’s a long story involving me and Lexie and some bananas. I’ll tell you later,” I said to his unanswered question before claiming his lips again.
“Jesus, I love you.”
“Right back atcha.”
He lay on top of me, skin to skin, chest to chest. It was the most connected I’d ever been to another person.
“This is your show, Charlotte.” He put his arms around me and rolled, taking me with him until I was on top.
I’d read about this more than a few times, so I braced myself on the headboard before I pulled myself up, grabbed his dick and started to lower myself.
Yes, a penis was a lot bigger than two fingers. I bit my lip so I wouldn’t make any sounds of pain, because it did hurt, but not as much as I thought it would.
“Go slow.” His fingers dug into my hips, and I knew they would leave marks. Ever so slowly, he slid into me until I had him completely inside.
“Wow.” I gazed down at him and realized we would never be closer than we were at this moment.
“You feel so damn good, pretty girl.” I leaned down and kissed him before starting to move my hips.
He moved with me, rising to meet me. Our bodies moved together, as if they were made for one another. Two puzzle pieces that had gotten separated and had found one another again.
“We fit together,” I said as the pressure built and I was about to lose myself again. I cried out as I found it, and he swore a few moments later, and I felt him spend himself into me.
I collapsed on his chest, totally wrung out.
Zan
We lay together for a long time after I pulled out and tossed the condom and she went to take care of her own needs.
“You don’t act like a virgin,” I said, tracing random letters on her back.
“You don’t act like a man whore. Except that thing with your tongue.” She shivered with the memory. I’d hoped she would like that.
“You didn’t have to do that.”
“I know. That’s why I wanted to.” She took my hand and kissed my palm. “It was… It was more than the sensations. It was something we shared. Something I haven’t shared with anyone else. Something I’ll never share with anyone else. It’s yours and mine. Always.”
More of Rumi’s words came to me.
“‘The minute I heard my first love story
I started looking for you, not knowing
How blind that was.
Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere.
They’re in each other all along.’”
She smiled up at me.
“That’s both beautiful and true.”
I wanted it to stay that way. Always. I wrote the letters on her back.
“What are you doing?”
“Nothing.”
“Was it what you wanted it to be? I know I’m not experienced and I didn’t reciprocate on the oral.”
I kissed her again so she would stop talking.
“Shhh.”
“You can tell me if it wasn’t great. I can take it.”
“Lottie.” I knew using the nickname would get her attention. “I love you, and for the first time in years, I felt free, with you. I was in a cage that I’d made for myself. Today you handed me the key and let me fly. You’re right. It wasn’t just about the sex.”
“The sex was kind of awesome, though.” She rolled onto her side, giving me quite a view of her perfect chest. I leaned forward and bit one of her nipples lightly.
“Hey!” Her protest was quickly replaced by a moan and I got to make her die a little more.
One, two, three times.
***
“What time is it?”
Charlotte was on her stomach, looking at my tattoos.
“Almost six,” I said, reading the clock on the wall.
“What’s this?” She pointed to the little bird perched on the tree of my tattoo.
“He’s my little mockingbird.”
“Is this a quote?” She moved closer to my chest so she could read it. “‘We are the mirror as well as the face in it’. Why does that sound so familiar?”
“It’s Rumi. He’s the author of most of the poems I’ve sent you. He was a Muslim poet who lived hundreds of years ago. Miss Carole, my social worker, gave me a book of his poetry and I used to memorize it when I was bored.”
“You said that to me. The line about the mirrors. You were drunk, and I thought you were nuts, but now it makes sense.”
“There are other things.” I showed her the other little bits hidden in the tree. The other quotes written around what looked like knots in the trunk, the little pictures hidden on leaves and branches.
There was a record, and my grandfather’s initials, a book, some Leonard Cohen lyrics and a key.
“What’s the key for?”
“A car key changed my life. I sort of saw it as symbolic of losing my freedom that day. But now you’ve given it back to me.”
“What are you going to do now?”
“About Zack? Fucked if I know.”
She giggled.
“It’s funny to hear you curse.”
“You’d be surprised how much I repress it around you. Wouldn’t want you sully your pretty ears with my filthy mouth.”
“Oh please. I’ve been living with Will my entire life. Most of the bad words and gross things I know because of him. But we’re changing the subject.”
“That’s because I didn’t want to ruin our moment of sunshine with clouds.”
I kissed her shoulder.
“There’s nothing I can do at this point, Charlotte. It’s over and done with.”
She propped herself up with her arms.
“It’s not over. You said telling me the truth set you free. If everyone doesn’t know the truth, then you’re not really free.”
“I’m free with you, and that’s all I care about. Who gives a shit what the rest of the world thinks?”
She shook her head. “It’s not right, Zan.”
“I thought I was Alex now.”
“You’re Zan again. Now that I associate the name with you, and not with the accident. It fits you.”
“Should I start calling you Lottie?”
“Everyone calls me Lottie. I want you to call me something different.”
“How about just L?”
“As in Love?”
“Yes, as in Love. That’s what my grandfather used to call Gram. He called her ‘my love.’”
“But people will think it’s for Lottie. I like that. It’s our secret. Well, another secret. Thank you for trusting me.”
“You’re easy to trust, L.”
She smiled at the use of her new nickname.
“I’m sure my brother and Katie think we’ve been abducted by aliens.”
“In all fairness, there was some probing involved.”
She made a face, pulled the pillow out from under her head and hit me with it.
“I knew you had a dirty mind.”
“You have no idea.” I rolled onto my back and stretched. All I wanted was to pull her onto my chest, twist our legs together and go to sleep, but we couldn’t.
“We should go.”
“We should.”
She grinned at me and I grinned at her and we both shook our heads slowly. Before I yanked her into my arms and crushed her lips with mine.
Again.
Chapter Thirty-five
Lottie
“You’re trying to keep me hostage,” I said a little while later. We’d only left the bed to take a shower, and now we were both wrapped in towels and trying to convince ourselves that we had to get back to campus.
“That wasn’t my original plan, but now it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea. Steve and Mom don’t come up here tha
t often. We could stay for a few weeks at least.” Imagining spending my life in bed with Zan sounded kind of like heaven.
“If only it wasn’t for our pesky classes and my job and my stupid brother.”
“And my stupid brother,” he said, rubbing the towel over his head. “I hope he hasn’t done anything else that I’ll need to clean up.”
“You have to stop doing that. Why do you do that?”
“He’s my brother. What would do if it was Will?”
“That’s different.” I thought about it, but really, it wasn’t. Brothers were brothers. It was like what Simon had said. If Will had been the one driving…
He looked at me through the wet ropes of hair that hung in his eyes.
“Can I at least cut your hair sometime? I cut Will’s for him.”
“Sure, L. I trust you.” He wasn’t just talking about the haircut. “You can cut it when we get back.”
“It’s a date.”
He chuckled and tugged at my towel so I fell toward him.
“Sex fiend,” I said.
“Only for you, L. Only for you.”
***
The ride back to campus was completely different from the ride down. There was less tension, more smiling, more kissing and I was less one V card and he was less one secret.
I finally understood what Katie had said about sex ‘just happening.’ Not that I hadn’t thought about what it would be like with Zan, but I never thought I would actually go through with it.
I didn’t care what people would say. That it was impulsive, that we were just hopped up on hormones. Maybe that was true, but that didn’t take account the love that went into it. So much love.
“Would you stay with me tonight?” he asked as we walked from the truck back to our dorm. Unlike this morning, he had his arm around me, and I pressed myself into his side as much as I could.
“What kind of a question is that? Of course I’m going to stay. I don’t want to leave you.”
We stopped for a kiss right outside the building.
“Oh no, don’t start that again,” I said when he started biting my lower lip. “I have a broken roommate to check on and you have a douchebag brother who is probably thinking of some diabolical way to win her over. Again.”