Still, my head kept reminding me every time I waited for him anxiously to arrive and pick me up now, every time one simple smile from him completely melted me, this was wrong. Nothing about me working for him was innocent anymore, no matter how much I tried to argue with my conscience. Even if I were certain I wouldn’t cheat on Edi physically, emotionally I already was. My heart shouldn’t be feeling what I was feeling for him, and yet, my God, it was.
The day before our trip, Aaron had been on the phone in his office, and his raised voice got my attention. Bea and Eileen had since left, and I felt weaselly about lowering the radio so that I might hear, but I did anyway. I heard a word here and there but wasn’t able to make anything out.
As unlikely as it was that he’d even notice, I upped the volume again in case he came out suddenly. His conversation ended abruptly, and just as abruptly, he opened the door and stalked out. Paranoid that he might wonder if I’d heard anything, I pretended to be engrossed in my packing. So engrossed I didn’t even look up when he entered the room.
Finally, I had to. I was afraid I was overdoing it. Of course I’d notice him in the room. The man was impossible not to notice. His strides slowed as he reached me, but the usual sweet smile he greeted me with was absent.
“Something wrong?” I asked, lowering the radio now and fearing he might actually be upset that I’d heard his conversation.
He nodded, leaning against the work table across from the one I was doing my packaging on, but offered nothing else. It was rare to see this man appear unnerved or not completely at ease with himself. But at that moment he seemed just that—discomfited. He straightened out, glancing around and took a deep breath. “I’m sorry,” he said, pushing himself away from the table. “I shouldn’t be burdening you with my private affairs—”
“Don’t be sorry,” I said quickly and meant it. “You said before your door was always open in case I ever needed to talk. That wouldn’t be fair if it didn’t go both ways.”
Our eyes met and caught as they did so often now, and I did my best to ignore the hysterical swarm of butterflies going off in my belly. He may be breathtaking and my boss, but after this week especially, it sort of felt as if we were friends now. Despite the moments we kept having and the voice screaming in my head, he was engaged and I was in a relationship, one he knew about and, so far, had been perfectly respectful of that fact. This made things safe, right?
“If you need to vent or just talk, I’d be happy to lend an ear.” I smiled genuinely, though my insides were still going crazy.
He leaned back against the table again but seemed apprehensive. “Would it be okay if, uh . . . I asked you to keep this between you and me?” Before I could control my reaction to that, I felt my eyes widen and he quickly added. “Only because Bea gets a little too worked up about this. I have enough to deal with already with just Mia.”
I nodded, feeling stupid about my reaction. “Of course,” I said quickly. “Unless you say otherwise, whatever we discuss stays between you and me.”
Somehow it was a relief that he asked this actually. Not only would I feel strange telling Bea her brother was sharing with me about Mia, but something told me she wouldn’t like it, especially not after the strange vibe I got from Mia the last time she was here. I couldn’t be sure, but I thought Bea had picked up on the vibe that day too, but she hadn’t mentioned anything. Maybe she wouldn’t have an issue with Aaron sharing anything personal if she knew about Edi, but I still had no intention of telling her. So I was certain she’d find it odd—inappropriate. I braced myself, wondering just how personal he was about to get.
He smiled softly and seemed to ponder what he’d say next for a moment then took a deep breath. “I sometimes wonder if Mia and I are as compatible as I once thought we were.”
This was definitely very personal. But I had to remember that his knowing about Edi and me likely made him feel it was safe to confide in me. Aside from that last awkward exchange, Mia had come by a handful of times. She’d been pleasant enough all the times before, and I knew I was probably being paranoid, but I’d begun to worry maybe she had picked up on my attraction to her fiancé.
“Really?” I asked a bit surprised. “Things are that bad?”
He nodded again. “I’m so sick of the nagging. I honestly don’t know how much longer I can take it.”
Again it felt too personal, but he was the one putting this out there, and I couldn’t help thinking this was such a guy thing. Nagging? Really? This is what had him fed up? “What does she nag about?”
“Getting married.”
Whoa.
Okay, so I’d begun to think maybe he’d come out here to vent about his girlfriend nagging about something petty or maybe she’d complained about his being a workaholic, but this? I wasn’t ready for him to share with me that he’d been this angry about his girl pushing to get married. But it did make me curious. I knew I was playing with fire by asking, but a small part of me really wanted to know. Before I could talk myself out of asking, I decided to just do it. “You two have been together a long time. Any particular reason why you don’t feel ready yet?”
His business was booming. They weren’t that young, and they certainly knew each other well enough. The reason was obvious, and the intense way he was staring at me said he knew I knew. Thinking he was about to admit the obvious that he was once again wondering about the spark between him and Mia, his next words caught me completely off guard.
“Are you in love with Edi?”
I felt my mouth fall open slightly and I caught myself. “Wh-what?”
He shook his head. “I’m not trying to be nosey,” he explained quickly. “I just sometimes wonder if I’m actually still in love with Mia. There’s no doubt I love her. I love her the way Bea does, like my parents do. She’s been a part of our lives for so long, and she is a great girl. When I finally got the courage to break up with her years back, I did so because I’d begun to wonder if I’d ever been in love with her the way I was supposed to be. It was confusing as hell because I really did miss her when we weren’t together. I missed the friendship we’d had for so long. But I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wondered if getting back with her when I did was a mistake.”
In an effort to avoid his question about my feelings for Edi and because I really did want to know, I stuck to this subject instead. “But then why did you ask her to marry you?”
Frowning, he shook his head. “The pressure to do so had been getting heavier and heavier for years, not just from her but the rest of my family and hers. They didn’t all say it, but I felt it.”
My heart went out to him. He was as stuck as I’d begun to feel. I loved Edi with all my heart and was still terrified of losing her, but the longer I continued to live this lie, the heavier the guilt began to weigh. What I was doing was selfish.
In hopes of steering away from my troubled thoughts about Edi–because as much as I wanted to compare this, our relationships were completely different—I decided to stick to the subject at hand. Him and Mia.
“At the risk of sounding like something out of a Cosmo article, do you think maybe it could be just a matter of rekindling the old flame?”
“No . . . maybe. I don’t know,” he said finally, shaking his head, with an exasperated frown.
“Okay, I know I don’t know you very well yet,” I offered in an effort to try to make him feel a little better. “And I certainly don’t profess to know a whole lot about your relationship with Mia. But in the short time I’ve known you, I have made one observation about you.”
He stared at me curiously, nodding in what I took as encouragement or permission even to continue. So I did.
“One of the things I love . . .” I caught myself just as he did when he’d had a similar slip of the tongue. I cleared my throat as I felt my face flush before continuing—cautiously. “Well, that I really like about you,” I continued, even as the corner of his lip beginning to lift made my insides flutter, “is that, uh . . . there??
?s no question about the things you feel truly passionate about. Anytime you speak on those things, whether it’s this business or your family or even the trade shows you do, your passion comes across loud and clear.”
Just the thought made me smile. He was smiling now too. “So, how does that observation relate to Mia and me?” he asked, peering at me.
“Well”—I swallowed hard because the way he was staring at me so intently made my legs weak—“I agree I’ve never felt that passion when you speak of your relationship with her now, but it is there when you talk about the history you two have. Clearly, that does mean a lot to you.”
“It does,” he agreed quickly. “She means a lot to me. I just don’t know if that’s enough anymore. There was a time long ago when I could hardly wait to be around her. And when I broke up with her, I really did miss her friendship. I missed talking to her but”—he let his head fall back in frustration—“the spark you mentioned feels more like a burden now. I feel like a douche saying it, but lately”—bringing his attention back to me, our eyes locked suddenly as he paused—“I’d much rather be here than with her.”
His smile flattened slowly as if maybe he’d said too much, or maybe he was done with that thought. My heart began to race. He was talking about preferring to be here, immersed in his work—his passion. I could admit we’d had moments. He might even be attracted to me. But I’d be beyond full of myself if I so much as considered the possibility that he might be implying he’d rather be here—with me.
“But that makes total sense,” I blurted out quickly before he’d notice I was making more of his admission and because I could hardly stand the intense way he was staring at me. “A person’s passion, whether it’s a job or a hobby like painting or running, is usually very therapeutic. If you’re feeling pressured, which could easily manifest into stress, it makes sense you’d rather stay here than go back to what’s creating that stress.”
Out of nowhere, a nervous giggle escaped me. That caught him completely by surprise, but at least his intense gaze was instantly replaced with a smile. I covered my mouth, feeling incredibly silly.
“Did I miss something?” he asked, smiling even bigger.
I laughed again, shaking my head. “Gemma,” I explained. “Whenever I’d make any kind of comment or declaration like the one I just did about stress, she’d immediately respond with this cantankerous and sarcastic, ‘Oh yeah, Dr. Magaña?’” I brought my hand back to my mouth, feeling like a complete goofball. “She hated when I’d point out something she was drinking, eating, or even doing wasn’t good for her, so even when I backed up my statement with some kind of fact I’d read about, that was always her retort. If she were here, I’m certain it’s what she would’ve said.”
He laughed now too, and I wasn’t sure what was more unnerving: staring into those eyes when they were so full of humor or when he gazed at me in that intense way that turned my insides to liquid.
“Well, Dr. Magaña,” he said in a playful tone so uncharacteristically like him it had me smiling silly, “licensed or not, I think you make an excellent point.”
He pulled himself onto the table so he was now sitting on it comfortably. As he often did when he’d just come off a shift at the station that morning, he wore his fire-department-issued sweatpants and a snug matching T-shirt. My eyes took in the way his muscular arms and chest bulged against his shirt then how his brawny thighs also bulged against the material of his pants. But they darted back to his face in a panic when they’d inadvertently landed on the other parts of him I could only imagine what might look like bulged.
Fortunately, he didn’t seem to notice. He was quiet, staring at the floor as if he were pondering what I’d just said. Thoughts of his bulging body parts and his comment about preferring to be here than with Mia had my heart racing still. So I tried to focus on something else.
Gulping, I thought back to our conversation. I hoped he didn’t think my earlier observation was too intrusive, but it was true. It really was one of the things that made me smile most about him. How passionate he was about his work. The way he could go on and on. I could see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice how much his work meant to him, but not just his work. His family, being a firefighter, saving lives, he was passionate about all of them. The only time that passion seemed to wane was whenever he spoke of his present relationship with Mia. But it was present when he spoke of their history—their friendship.
“My work has always been therapeutic,” he said, leaning back onto one hand. “So what you’re saying makes absolute sense. Being here even more so than at the station, getting sucked into my work, does take me away from my other worries. Oh, hey, you know what that reminds me of?”
I walked around my table so I could sit on it and face him. He smiled when he saw me hop onto the table.
“We may be moving out of here soon.”
That confused me. We? “Moving out?”
“I mean I found an office space with a small warehouse to lease,” he explained. “It isn’t far. In fact, it’s actually closer to your place than my house. Not that I’d expect you to walk there or anything. I’d still pick you up and drop you off.” He smiled very genuinely. “When we get back from Milwaukee, I’ll take you and the girls to check it out and get your seal of approval. But I think you’ll like it. Anyway”—he shrugged—“that just got me thinking. Bea’s made it a point to mention more than once how I should just have Mia move in here already. I wonder now if that ever happened how much time I’d spend at the office avoiding coming home.”
I tilted my head, wondering if I should get even nosier then thought what the heck.
“It does seem weird that, for as long as you two have been together and at your age, you guys aren’t already living together.”
“That hasn’t been all me,” he explained, making a face. “That’s a whole other story in itself.”
He explained how Mia probably thought her letting her sister move in with her and then later her brother just after her sister moved out was irritating to him. She knew Aaron would never move in with her if her siblings lived there too. He secretly had been glad it had worked out that way, and it so happened that when her brother finally moved out, Aaron had just signed a two-year lease at his apartment. Again that had been a relief to him.
I inhaled deeply, feeling for him and at the same time feeling relieved that at least I wasn’t there yet. I still enjoyed getting home and spending time with Edi. Although I wasn’t sure how much longer that would be. There was an unspoken pressure I’d begun to feel. It wasn’t even fair to blame Edi since it wasn’t her doing the pressuring. But I knew it was just a matter of time before I’d have to come out to the rest of the world, and I wasn’t sure I ever could.
“So are you?” he asked.
I stared at him for a moment, pretending I didn’t know what he was getting back to then took a deep breath and spoke before he could say the words again.
“I love Edi. I really do.”
“But,” he said, his expression void of any emotion.
Oh, this was irony writ large. While the guilt threatened to consume me whole for sharing my doubts about my relationship with the only man I’d ever felt so immensely attracted to, he was the only person I could confide in about it.
I shrugged, doing my best to make less of my uncertainty than it really was. “I do feel happy when I’m with her,” I offered but hesitated to go on, glancing away.
Aaron must’ve picked up on my hesitation because he cleared his throat, breaking the sudden silence. “I don’t mean to pry,” he said, sounding a bit hesitant himself. “I know you said you haven’t told Bea and Eileen about you and Edi.” I glanced up at him when he paused, feeling the weight of his gaze. “Does anyone else know? Or is this something you two are keeping private for now?”
I stared at him for a moment, not sure how much I should say. Strangely, it felt good to be asked about this. To be able to discuss it. The sudden realization really hit me. I had
no one I could confide in about this, not any friends, not Gemma, no one. Edi was my best friend and the only one I ever shared anything this personal with, but there was no way I could talk to her about these insecurities: my wanting to keep this on the down low and the growing doubts that I’d ever be ready to come out to the world about our relationship.
“Some of our friends know,” I said, leaving it at that.
I felt too ashamed to admit that while she’d told everyone in her life I’d yet to tell anyone but Aaron, the one man I’d become so dangerously drawn to.
But feeling yet another wave of guilt wash over me, I felt compelled to explain further. “It’s just that it’s only been a few months. So we’re taking things slowly.”
“That’s understandable,” he said with a faint smile. “Relationships are complicated enough without having to deal with others honing in with their unsolicited opinions.” He chuckled humorlessly. “Hell, even in the most common of unions, there’s no shortage of well-meaning friends and family members always ready to volunteer their two cents. So, yep, don’t blame you at all.”
For a moment, I felt tempted to be honest. Like him, just share the truth about why I was really holding off telling anyone. It would be such an enormous weight off my conscience to be able to just admit it. Discuss it with someone. Maybe he’d actually have some words of wisdom to offer, even if he couldn’t get his own relationship straight. But I knew it was a risk. A huge risk. If my instincts were correct, if, in fact, I hadn’t imagined the moments we’d already had—those electrifying few seconds where our eyes locked or he’d gaze at my lips and for a brief breathless instant we both seemed to lose our trains of thought—I could be opening up a Pandora’s box. One I was beginning to fear he may’ve already unlocked.
“Yeah,” I said softly. “It’s complicated.”