“It’s not as bad as it sounds. The doctors even said they really don’t think it’s too bad. Her speech is fine; she’s not confused or dizzy anymore. It’s been over twelve hours now, and she’s showing no signs of post-concussive syndrome. Except for the continued nausea, she’s fine.”
Her use of the medical terminology so casually made me remember she was a pre-med student already interning at a hospital. Surely she had to know a head injury followed by any nausea should not be taken lightly.
I set the alarm and locked the front door. “Which hospital?” I asked again.
“You don’t need to come all this way—”
“She’s had a head injury and she’s throwing up,” I said, stopping before I got in my car, feeling the frustration mount.
“The CT scan is showing no swelling or bleeding at all. They just want to keep her overnight to make sure it’s nothing so slow they haven’t caught it and then do another one before releasing her tomorrow morning.”
“I need the name of the hosp—”
“She doesn’t want you here.”
My hand froze at the handle of my car. “What?”
“She’s confused,” Edi said quickly. “Not about where she’s at or what day it is. She just has a lot to think about right now. She said she knew you’d want to fly out, but there’s nothing you could do for her here, and she needs time to think.”
“Think about what?” I asked, my insides going hollow. “Have you two talked?”
I was done tiptoeing around this subject. Clearly, Edi knew something or she wouldn’t be calling me. She wouldn’t be telling me Henri knew I’d want to fly out to be with her. And she certainly wouldn’t be telling me Henri didn’t want me there.
“Yes,” she said, her voice lowering a bit. “I told her I’m only going back to Michigan to get my things and I’m transferring to ESU. I can’t be out there anymore.”
“What about her?” I asked, my heart aching for Henri already and worried about her reaction to that, especially given her condition.
“She didn’t say. She’s had a long day. It wasn’t until once she was very groggy and ready to pass out that she asked if I could just text you to tell you about the fender bender. That she was just being kept overnight for observation and she’d call you tomorrow. I had a feeling you’d need more than that. I know I would.”
That confused me as much as it began to set me off. “So she didn’t actually tell you to tell me she doesn’t want me there.”
That was a pretty bold fucking statement to be making on her own, given what she just said Henri had told her to text me.
“She did actually,” she said matter-of-factly. “She’d mentioned it earlier when we discussed my transferring back here. My internship and classes in Michigan are fulfilled for this semester, so I don’t need to go back just yet. I need to stay here for a few weeks. But the lease on the apartment is paid up for the next two months. I told her to let me know when she wanted to go back and my mom would book her a flight. She said she wasn’t sure when she’d go back either. That’s when she mentioned she was going to ask you not to come out because she needed time to think about what she’d be doing. I’d hate for you to fly out here because of my call. I just thought she should call you tonight, give you more than the text she suggested. I told her so, but she said she wanted to wait until tomorrow to talk to you. Sleep on it. In her defense, Aaron, she’s really had a long ass day today. We were up all night on that flight. At least I got to go home and sleep for a few hours, but you know how concussions are. They won’t let you sleep for very long without waking you to check your vitals and quiz you. I think they’re finally gonna let her sleep for longer than an hour at a time.”
Once she’d told me everything she could, including the name of the hospital Henri was in, even though I promised I’d wait to hear from Henri, I thanked her and hung up. I understood now why Henri was so loyal to Edi. Just like with Mia, both were genuinely sweet people who truly cared about us. I could see Mia making such a painful call to Henri if the tables were turned. As much as I did love Mia, and Henri so honestly admitted she loved Edi, it just wasn’t the kind of love they needed from us.
It wasn’t the kind of love Henri and I felt for one another. The kind your heart is so inherently invested in you could never let go. I knew Henri had demons she needed to deal with, emotional scars that made her think she needed Edi in her life to be complete. But I had none. Zero. I’d lived a charmed life and knew I couldn’t live without Henri.
I’d been with a near-perfect girl long enough to know the difference between love and extraordinary love. The kind of love you fight for with every fiber of your being. Mia was perfect in almost every way except one. She wasn’t the perfect girl for me. Henri was, and now that I’d been fortunate enough to find her, I’d be damned if I was letting her go.
I had every intention of fighting for Henri. I’d let her sleep on it. I’d let her think about it until I talked to her again. Then, whether she liked it or not, I’d be on a plane to go claim what was rightfully mine. There wasn’t the faintest doubt in my mind anymore, and I wondered now if there ever had been. From the moment I first spoke to her, Henri was my soul mate and I was hers.
~~~
Because of the time difference, I booked a flight later in the afternoon to give Henri a chance to get up and feel she’d had enough time to call me. I didn’t want to be on a plane when she tried to call since I was four hours ahead of her. But my bags were packed and ticket was bought. Regardless of what she said to me on that phone, I was leaving today and wasn’t coming home without her. Even if it meant putting my job and business on hold for days if for whatever reason she wasn’t released from the hospital or she refused to come back right away.
I’d gone into the office to let everyone know that I was leaving half day. Bea could close up since she was still coming in every now and again and today was one of those days. Everyone would have a full day today, but I let them know the rest of the week was up in the air and I’d send them notice as soon as I knew something.
The call I’d been waiting on all morning finally came at around eleven, so I knew it was one of the first things she was doing since it was only around eight in the morning in California. I wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing, but I braced myself.
“Hey,” I answered cautiously since the last call I’d answered had been Edi on the other line.
This time it wasn’t Edi. It was Henri. “Hey,” she said, sounding a bit down, and my heart sped up a little.
“How you feeling?”
“Better. I’m, uh, being released soon. There’s no hemorrhaging or swelling, so they said I’m good to go but I’ll have to follow up with my own doctor in a few weeks.”
Her own doctor. There in California? Several weeks?
I cleared my throat, doing my best not to sound pushy or insensitive. She wasn’t even out of the hospital yet. But I had to know where her head was with this. Still, I decided I’d go slowly.
“How’s the baby doing?”
“Much better. She went home last night.”
“That’s good,” I said, closing my eyes before I asked my next question. “So does that mean you’re coming home too?”
The silence, while it only lasted seconds, felt like an eternity. “I’m not actually. I have some things I need to take care of here first.”
“Things like what, Henri?” I asked but caught myself before I could sound harsh.
“There are decisions I need to make,” she said softly. “Big decisions I need to really think about. Life-changing decisions. You said it yourself. I’m not one to make those so hastily.”
“Life-changing?” I asked, sitting up at my desk. “What decisions would those be?”
Was she seriously considering going back to a life she already knew was a lie? Leave me because she thought . . . “Do you love me?” I asked her before she could answer because suddenly I was terrified of what her answer might be.
“Ye
s, but—”
“Don’t say it,” I said, feeling like a coward. “I already know how you feel about Edi. You don’t have to say it. But it’s the same way I feel about Mia, baby. Don’t you see the difference? Can you really see yourself happy without me? Because I know I can’t be happy without you. Would you seriously consider moving thousands of miles away from me? Just because—”
“There are things I have no control over.” She was crying now but not hysterical like the other day. “Things I don’t ever think I’ll feel differently about no matter what.”
“Like what?” I asked, my patience wearing thin, despite hearing how emotional she was getting. Hearing her say “no matter what” was fucking infuriating. “Like that you can’t live without Edi?” I got up to close my office door because I could feel myself getting heated. “Are you choosing to leave me to follow Edi back to California? Is that what you’re saying?”
“What did you think was going to happen, Aaron?” Now she sounded angry too. “That you’d marry your little girlfriend who’s all fucked in the head, and we’d live happily ever after?”
“Sure, why not?” I retorted with just as much conviction. “You said you’re going back to therapy. You’ll get help with your issues, so why can’t we live happily ever after? I love you and you love me, right? Isn’t that all that matters? We can get through anything else, baby, I swear to you.”
“I don’t want to bring children into this world,” she cried out. “I can’t! If you’re going to leave me anyway, I may as well stay with Edi!”
“We don’t have to have children!” I practically yelled but didn’t care who heard me anymore. “I said I hoped you’d change your mind someday. I never say it’d be a deal breaker if you didn’t. As long as I have you, I can be happy. You’re all I want, Henri. All I need. You. I’m telling you, sweetheart. Please believe me. I’d never leave you! No matter—”
“I’m pregnant,” she said, stunning me silent. “And I’m not having it.”
She’d barely landed her right hook when she landed the left. I didn’t even have a chance to let the first one sink in when the second one knocked the wind out of me. It took me a moment to recover, but I finally did, and my mind raced.
“Henri, you can’t—”
“I can and I will,” she said firmly.
I heard her sniff, but she wasn’t crying anymore. “We have to at least talk about this,” I said, trying to remain calm. “I know you think—”
“There’s nothing to talk about, Aaron. My mind is made up. I know how you feel about this, so I understand if you can’t forgive me.”
“I have a flight to California in a few hours. We’re gonna talk.”
“Unless you’re coming here to tell me that you support my decision and you’ll love me as you always said you would—unconditionally—then . . .” She paused when her voice broke, and I heard her whimper. “Then I don’t want you to come. I don’t think I got any sleep last night, even as exhausted as I was, because this was all I thought about. I love you, Aaron, with all my heart, and if that means losing Edi, then it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make. I didn’t even realize that until last night. But this . . .” She took a trembling breath. “This is one thing I can’t give into. I just can’t do it. I’m sorry.”
I let her words sink in for a moment. I knew this was a decision she’d made early on in her life, not one she’d come to overnight. I shouldn’t be taking this so personally, but here was the love of my life, the girl I considered to be my soul mate, someone who knew how strongly I felt about this, telling me she was carrying our child. This baby was conceived by our love, and she was telling me that, despite her knowing how strongly I felt about this, she wasn’t even willing to discuss it.
It was painful. Beyond painful. More than anything it hurt like hell that, regardless of how horrible she considered her parents to be, she’d think for a moment our love could create a monster.
But she openly admitted she had issues she had no control over. As much as I wanted to love her unconditionally, accept this was one of them, this was something I just couldn’t come to terms with. So it appeared we were at a stalemate.
“I’m sorry too,” I whispered, swallowing the painful emotion back.
I heard her begin to cry softly just before I ended the call, unable to so much as utter the word goodbye.
Chapter 23
Henri
Aaron never arrived that day as I’d held out hope he might. My head knew he wouldn’t, but my heart never gave up, not even on the following days when I didn’t hear from him nor did he respond to the texts where I told him I loved him and was sorry.
I hadn’t heard from Edi in days either, and I felt completely numb. Once again, I was all alone as I’d always known I’d end up. I had Gemma, who spent all her time in that damn yard, and I’d begun to think maybe that was my fate: to end up with Gemma for the rest of my life. Maybe I should embrace being alone as she did rather than dwell on it. If Gemma loved her time alone so much, maybe it wasn’t such a bad life.
It sure as hell beat the heartache of putting your heart out there to friends and lovers only to have it crushed. As much as I tried to cover up my screwed-up mind or pretend to be something I wasn’t, they’d eventually see me for who I really was and leave.
It was zucchini and pumpkin planting season, and I was sitting out back with Gemma, trying to get some fresh air so I could deal with the morning sickness I was now plagued with. I’d just gotten back from washing my face again after another session of violent heaving into the toilet when Gemma looked up, shaking her head. “Well, it’s a good thing this will be all over in a few days.”
I nodded, trying not to let on about the second-guessing I’d begun to do in the last day or so. My entire life I’d been so convinced that any child I ever gave birth to would be doomed to be a monster. But after crying myself to sleep the last two nights in a row because I missed Aaron so desperately, ironically, the only consolation I had was that I have a little piece of him inside me—for now. A new sadness had begun to consume me. I knew Aaron would never forgive me for doing this, and once I took care of this, I wouldn’t even have that tiny consolation anymore.
“So, I take it this guy who knocked you up either doesn’t know about the kid or doesn’t care, huh?”
Gemma had been her usual self when I told her I was pregnant. She hadn’t asked much, especially when I told her I wasn’t keeping it. All she said was she’d support me no matter what I decided but that keeping it would probably damper any plans I might have for my life. “Especially if the dad ain’t gonna be around.”
I hadn’t said much else except that I’d be coming home after I completed this semester. With Aaron out of my life, I didn’t see the point of being so far away from the only family I had.
“He knows,” I said softly.
She looked up from where she sat on her knees working on her garden. “Didn’t want it either, huh?”
“It’s not that this baby isn’t wanted,” I said a little too defensively. “I just don’t want any kids. I never have.”
Her eyes widened. “That’s right. I remember you saying something about that way back. Oh wow. I thought that was kid stuff. I didn’t think you were really serious.”
“I am,” I said, moving my hand away from my belly where it had been going in the last few days.
“Obviously,” she said, reaching for her bottled water and taking a swig. She squinted as she twisted the cap back on the bottle and regarded me. “Why was that again? I can’t remember what your reason was.”
“I’m just . . .” I shrugged, feeling silly now about something I’d so firmly believed for years. “Given the fact that my parents were so terrible at being parents, any kid I’d ever have wouldn’t stand a chance in this world. Someone with genes like mine has no business having kids.”
It was half the truth. A part of me was afraid that by default I’d be a terrible parent, but that’s not the main reason I??
?d always said I wouldn’t have children. Only I couldn’t even bring myself to say it now: that this child, conceived in love between Aaron and me could possibly be a monster.
“Hmm,” she said, thinking about that for a moment. “Not sure I agree with you on that one. I think you’d make a great mom someday. For someone who’s had it as bad as you, I’ve never met anyone so bright-eyed and full of life.” She lifted a shoulder and dropped it, going back to her gardening. “Maybe you’re just afraid because you’re so young and alone. Can’t blame you there. That sure as heck would make it tough to be a parent. I think you’ll think differently when the right guy comes along. If you really love him, the idea of having his kid will probably excite you.”
The right guy.
My hand had traveled to my belly again as I’d listened to Gemma’s comments. “I do really love him,” I whispered, staring out into space.
Having his baby inside me already was the only thing that numbed the ache of not being with Aaron. Could a child of such an amazing man really be that bad, even if part of me was in him?
“What was that?” Gemma asked.
I snapped out of my daze and turned to Gemma. “I said I really do love him. The father of my baby,” I clarified, sitting up. “He’s wonderful and he loves me too.”
I saw the confusion in her eyes as she squinted again. “But he doesn’t want the baby?”
“He does,” I said as my heart thudded wildly.
Scooting to the edge of my chair, I froze. I felt as terrified as I did hopeful. Was I actually considering this? Could I really do this? Should I?
I squeezed my eyes shut, fearful of any visions I might suddenly have of my parents, their vicious fights, the ugliness of the people I came from, but I didn’t see any of that. All I could envision now was the amazing man who had sat in the car with me just days ago, looking like someone straight out of a magazine. The genuine tenderness in his eyes when he beamed at me so full of love. Real love for me. He was there because he was worried I might be upset over something so trivial as seeing a photo of his ex kissing him.