It’d be a risk. But all bullshitting aside, given how incapable I’d been at hiding my feelings for her so far—so much so that after a single conversation Mia had witnessed between us she’d nailed it—Henrietta very likely already knew how I felt. Yet she was still here with me and was talking as if she weren’t going anywhere.
As much as I was trying not to get my hopes up, it was impossible not to. But it was one of those decisions I knew I’d wait until the last minute to make. I could only hope now it wouldn’t be one I’d regret.
Chapter 13
Henri
My conversation with Edi when I got back to my room was a sad confirmation of how things would never go back to being as they once were when we were just best friends.
It started off fine with her gushing about her new niece. She’d gone on and on, and I let her, preferring she talked rather than saying too much about how my day had gone. Then suddenly she gasped. “Oh, my God, babe, I’m sorry I haven’t even asked you how the trade show went.”
My first thoughts should’ve been to assure her that it was fine. A new baby in the family was far more exciting than a boring safety trade show. Instead, I worried about who might be within hearing distance. She’d mentioned earlier that Gemma had stopped by with homemade baked goods and muffins. I still hadn’t told Gemma about Edi and me.
But I didn’t ask. I started to tell her about my presentations. It was one of our normal conversations where, like her with the baby, I began getting excited. I gushed about the adrenaline rush, what Aaron had said about my performance, and how already he mentioned on our way back to the hotel that there was an even bigger show in a few weeks in New York!
Instead of sounding excited for me as she would’ve back when she was just my bestie, she was noticeably quiet. The idea of me going away with Aaron again so soon was not an exciting one for her. For a moment, I actually felt resentful. She should be excited for me, but I got it. This wasn’t any different from how Mia was feeling about this.
“You still there?”
I tried not to sound annoyed that, after I’d aahed wistfully with her about all the things she gushed about, she wasn’t even going to comment on how well my presentation had gone. I understood why she might not be thrilled about me already planning another trip with Aaron, but she knew how nervous and excited I was about the presentation.
“Yeah,” she said, nowhere near as excited as she’d been earlier. “That’s great, Henri. I knew you’d be good. You’ve always been good at that stuff. Sounds like you really enjoyed it.”
“I did,” I admitted, but my own excitement had deflated.
“What’s wrong,” she asked, suddenly sounding a little chipper as if maybe she’d caught herself.
“Nothing.” I, too, did my best to hide my annoyance with her reaction. “I think I’m just tired. It’s been a long day.”
“You did toss and turn a lot last night.”
I was quiet for a moment. She’d noticed. Had she mentioned it because she was making it a point that she knew I had a lot going on in my head—the only time she knew I didn’t sleep like a rock.
“I’m like a little kid, I guess,” I said with a soft laugh. “I never get much sleep when I have something big going on the next day. This was also the first time I’ve ever been on a plane, remember? I was nervous about that too.”
Her laugh was as unconvincing as mine. We spoke a bit more with her asking me about first class and Milwaukee, and then finally she asked, “So, are you going to bed now or . . .?”
The question felt heavy with unspoken qualms. Aaron had asked if I was too tired to do dinner when we got out of the car tonight. He also offered to order us a pizza or room service if I didn’t feel up to going out, which meant he was suggesting we could eat together in one of our rooms. I’d told him I’d let him know in a bit then called Edi as soon as I was in my room.
I hadn’t decided, so, technically, I wouldn’t be lying. “I haven’t had dinner yet, but I’m not sure if I’m up to leaving or just ordering room service.”
“Room service is expensive,” she said, not missing a beat.
“It’d be on Aaron.” Not a lie. “He said I could order and charge it to the room.” Technically not a lie. “It’s all a write-off anyway.” So I embellished for the sake of making it sound more genuine? The statement was still true.
Normally, we would’ve done something silly—playful—like her asking me to read her the menu so she could help me decide what to order while we giggled the whole time. Given my modest upbringing, I probably wouldn’t know what half of the more posh dishes on the menu were, and we’d probably have a giggle fest when I’d grossly mispronounced them.
Instead, we spoke a little more about her niece. She tried to keep it light, saying she was already planning to coach her niece’s little league soccer and volleyball teams. While on the surface it felt normal, something felt of off-kilter. I tried not to over think it or I knew I’d start to choke up.
When I was finally off the phone with her, I saw I had a text from Aaron.
Let me know what you decided about dinner. If you’d rather just order your own room service and call it a night, that’s cool too. Just charge it to the room.
That made me smile. I hadn’t totally lied to Edi. Aaron hadn’t mentioned a thing about me charging it to the room earlier. In a small way, already I knew him well enough to know he’d not just offer to let me charge my dinner to my room, he’d insist I do.
I was so close to responding that I’d just order myself something and was going to head to bed early. I really was exhausted, and it felt like the safe thing to do. Even though I knew Aaron would be a perfect gentleman and I had nothing to worry about in that sense, telling Edi about my day with him today and that I’d be doing this again soon had been awkward enough. I was certain mentioning I’d spent time in his room or he’d spent time in mine would not go over well. But the excitement of the day’s happenings crept up on me again or maybe it was just the need to rid myself of the lingering unease from my phone call with Edi. Whatever the reason, before I could talk myself out of it, I texted Aaron back.
Sorry, I was on the phone, but I am hungry, only I’m not really feeling much for going out to dinner. I’ve already changed into my lounging sleep clothes. I wouldn’t mind splitting a pizza or room service though.
I sent it and waited nervously. This wasn’t any different from when he ordered food at work and we’d practice my presentation together or discuss our progress with the EPG long after everyone had left. Aaron was the most professional guy I’d ever met. Just because this was a hotel room we were hanging out in didn’t make it wrong.
His response took a minute, but it was short, simple, and innocent.
Sounds good. Come on over. We can order from my room. I’ll let you choose whatever you feel like splitting.
He followed up with another text to give me his room number and to say he was starving but no rush then added a winky face. I smiled, feeling the familiar flutter in my stomach that seemed to always be there now.
Grabbing my room key and the box of cheese Ritz Bits I’d packed, I stopped at the full-length mirror before leaving. The dark purple yoga pants and matching zip top were far from glamorous, and I was glad about that. No one could accuse me of trying to get done up to spend the evening with Aaron. I’d even put my hair up in a clip and rinsed my makeup off while I’d been talking to Edi. Though the entire outfit was formfitting and Edi always said I looked hot in it when I wore it around the house to study, it wasn’t why I’d packed it. It was comfortable and one of my favorites to lounge around in. I really had slept in it on occasion.
Without another thought, I walked out and made my way down the hall to his room. The door to his room was propped open with the latch, so I knocked softly before pushing it open. He was on his phone and still in his dress pants and long-sleeved shirt, though he’d taken the tie off and unbuttoned his shirt. His cufflinks were off as were his shoes. The way
he surveyed me for a moment with such a genuinely sweet smile made me sigh. He shook his head quickly as if he’d just remembered he had someone on the phone then lifted a finger for me to give him a second.
“There’s a lot we need to discuss, Mia, but I think it should wait until I get home,” he said in a lowered voice, and I immediately regretted being there. “Because I don’t wanna do this over the phone.”
Even if he whispered, the room simply wasn’t big enough for me not to hear. I stood there awkwardly waiting as my mind waffled between thoughts. Maybe I could say I forgot something and creep back out. Had he really called her, knowing I was on my way to his room? I prayed he’d have the sense not to mention I was there listening while he was having an obviously tense conversation with her.
He motioned for me to take a seat in the small sitting area like the one in my room. Then he pointed at a few menus sitting on the table, and I let out a grateful sigh that I had something to pretend was keeping me too busy to listen to his conversation.
“I can’t right now. I’m in the middle of something,” he said as my stomach knotted up further.
Please don’t tell her I’m here in your room and that you’re blowing her off for me!
“We’ll talk tomorrow night when—”
I glanced up to see him pinching the rim of his nose then smirking strangely and putting his phone down on the table. He shook his head as he walked over to the kitchen area. “Should’ve gone with my first instinct and not answered that,” he said. “Sorry about that.”
“I take it things are still tense,” I said with a sympathetic grimace.
“Very tense,” he said, opening up the honor bar on the counter. “She hung up on me. I’m gonna have some wine. I need it. Would you like some?”
“I’m sorry to hear it,” I said, glancing back at the menu. “And, sure, I’ll take a glass”
As genuinely as I felt bad for him, because he sounded so defeated, I felt evil about the butterflies starting to flutter in my stomach. Was it really possible that Mia, someone who probably knew him better than anyone else, really believed what I’d begun to pick up on from Aaron for weeks now? That, like me, he was feeling something he was desperately trying to deny—even to himself?
What the very thought did to me was why I agreed to the glass of wine. I needed something to calm my conflicting emotions. On the one hand, saying I was flattered that such an amazing man like Aaron would have feelings for me was the biggest understatement in the history of understatements. He was a man I’d once thought so unattainable my attraction to him was as threatening to my relationship with Edi as any attraction I might have to a celebrity. It was laughable even. Not only was he . . . well, Aaron, my friend’s older, incredibly sexy, put-together, and wonderful-in-so-many-ways brother, he was also very taken.
On the other hand, I could tell myself there was nothing wrong with me being here with him until I was blue in the face. But the truth was we both knew exactly why things were so bad between him and Mia. And just as he probably had no intention of telling her he was having dinner with me in his room, I already knew I wouldn’t be telling Edi about this either.
That was beyond wrong.
Aaron walked back holding two glasses and two mini wine bottles, the kind I saw some people drinking on the plane. He sat down on the chair across from me and poured the two mini bottles into the glasses then handed one to me.
“I brought these,” I said, pointing at the box of Ritz Bits. “They’re my favorite, and you said you were starving, so I thought they might hold you over.”
He reached for the box curiously and examined it. “Crackers with cheese in the middle.” He smiled at me as he began to open it. “This will go perfect with my wine. Thanks.”
I smiled triumphantly as if I’d really done something remarkable. “You’re welcome.”
“Did you decide what you want?” he asked as he stuck a cracker in his mouth.
“The deep dish pizza from this restaurant sounds good,” I said, pointing at the picture on the menu.
“Sounds good to me.” He reached for the room phone. “Go ahead and order it. I’m gonna order a bottle of wine from room service. These little bottles aren’t gonna cut it.”
I sipped my wine before dialing the restaurant. When we were both off the phone, he sat back in his chair, taking a sip of his wine and smiled. “You look comfortable.”
I glanced down at my clothes and shrugged. “I am. This is one of my go-to outfits at home. I’ll probably sleep in it tonight.”
His smile waned a bit as his thoughts seemed to move onto something else then he took a deep breath. “I’m breaking things off with Mia when I get back.”
I stared at him, stunned. I knew things were bad, but they were engaged. Together for so long. He must’ve read my mind because he continued.
“I know Bea told you what Mia’s thinking about me having feelings for you, but I want you to know that’s not why I’m breaking things off with her.”
I gulped, still staring at him, unable to think of a single response to that. It wasn’t an admission, but at the same time it wasn’t a denial.
“It’s been a long time coming,” he explained as he took another sip of his wine, prompting me to take another—longer one—of mine. “I never should’ve gotten back together with her in the first place. I did for the wrong reasons and that wasn’t fair to her.”
“But do you think she knew?” I asked, immediately thinking of Edi and me. “I mean she had to know something was different. Something wasn’t right. She probably knows you better than anyone else does. Wouldn’t she feel it?”
He shrugged. “Maybe, but whether she did or not is a moot point. Bottom line is I knew. I’ve always known, even before I broke up with her the first time. Mia’s a great girl. She’s been a good girlfriend and an even better friend. But it’s not enough. As much as I love her, and I do, she’s not the one. And you know what they say about hope, right? No matter how frail, it’s hard to kill. She was probably hoping all this time that whatever it was she was worried about wasn’t that serious or that I’d get over it. Hell, I hoped for a long time too. Mostly because I was afraid.”
“Afraid?” I asked, my stomach turning but not in that good way anymore.
“Yeah.” He smiled weakly. “I’ve been afraid to admit my real feelings and then realize I made a mistake. But it’s time to man up and let her go. She’ll find someone she’ll make happy and who can make her happier than I can. She’s a good woman with an excellent head on her shoulders, and she’s beautiful.” He let out a bitter laugh and let his head fall back. “She’s just not the one for me.”
I took a deep breath, willing the boulder in my throat away. It’d begun to suffocate me with each word he spoke, and I refused to have another emotional episode in front of this man. Not here. Not in his room. But I did feel the incredible urge to admit something.
“I’ve been hoping too.” He lifted his head and stared at me but said nothing, so I took a deep breath and went on, determined not to do anything stupid like cry. “You, uh . . .” I cleared my throat. “You asked me yesterday about why it’d taken so long for Edi and me to get together, and that’s because, even though we’ve been best friends for years, I didn’t know she was gay until just a few weeks before this past Christmas.”
As I had been earlier, he seemed stunned but still didn’t say anything. I explained about the parties we’d gone to and how at first I thought it was just crazy college stuff. We’d made out for the sake of going along with all the other girls getting crazy at those parties.
“One of the first things Edi had said to me when we moved out here was, while she had every intention of taking her education and scholarship very seriously, she wanted the full experience of college. She said I should too—embrace the crazy parties and enjoy our college years as long as we were responsible about it—because her older siblings had told her before she knew it they’d be over. So that’s what I thought we were doing
at first. But then she came out to me and confessed she’s been in love with me for years.”
I told him how things started to change after she admitted to being in love with me. How I’d been terrified of losing her and how she’d been hesitant when I was the one who suggested we could try to make it work. That I was willing to try a romantic relationship, but she was adamant it was too big of a risk.
“She consented to what was supposed to be a one-night thing only because she said she’d been dreaming about it happening for so long. But after that, things did start to change. In the privacy of our own apartment, she was acting more like a loving girlfriend than my bestie. While we’d only slept together the one time, the embraces and kisses were definitely far more intimate than that of two girls who were just friends. I wasn’t sure what to think, and since I was so afraid of losing her, I just went along with it. Then she left for the holidays.”
I told him about my night of decorating with Cole and how Gemma interpreted his being there with me that night as a romantic evening for us. “She told Edi when she got back that she’d met my boyfriend Cole at our apartment.” Aaron winced and I did too, nodding. “Yeah,” I said, feeling the chills suddenly. “It was pretty bad. In all the years I’ve known Edi, the only times I’ve seen or heard her cry have been over me. First, when she confirmed that I wasn’t gay as she’d held out hope for especially after we made out at that party and then later again at our place. Then on the phone when she called to ask me about my boyfriend Cole.”