Her smile grew even bigger and she nodded. “Sure.”
“Thanks,” I said, walking away toward my office.
I had to get a grip here. I promised her I’d be professional. I didn’t want to spook her and have her questioning if continuing to work for me was a good idea. I grabbed a manila folder off my desk and held it as if that were what I was there for then leaned against the front of my desk and waited anxiously for her to enter.
“Hey,” she said with a timid smile as she chewed the corner of her lip.
If I didn’t know any better, I’d say she knew my story about needing to stop by for paperwork was pure bullshit. I was there for no other reason than I couldn’t stay away from her. I focused on her face, trying not to let my eyes roam and keeping my smile from going overly goofy. But those eyes. Dear God, those eyes were going to be the end of me.
“Hey,” I smiled cautiously. “How are you?”
“Good.” Her expression was understandably puzzled.
“I’ve been thinking about you and Edi,” I explained. “I know you were really worried about her being upset. I was just wondering how things have been.”
“Oh.” She nodded then frowned. “Yeah, she finally answered my call yesterday. It didn’t go great. Things are still tense, but at least we’re speaking now. She comes home today, and I’m pretty sure I’m going to have that talk with her.” She lifted a pair of entwined fingers. “Fingers crossed I don’t chicken out. How’d it go with Mia?”
I shook my head, closing my eyes for a second, and then smirked with a humorless chuckle. “You were right. The staying-friends idea didn’t go over well.”
She winced then smiled. “Well, at least you tried.”
The loud horn of the fire truck outside was a rude reminder I needed to get back out, and I turned to the door with the frown. When I glanced back, I caught her taking me in from top to bottom, a little too bright-eyed. Her face flushed when she realized she’d been caught. I smiled until I remembered her comment Sunday morning. Physical attraction is completely different than actually feeling something for someone.
“I gotta go,” I said, trying not to let the memory of her comment ruin this visit for me. Seeing her today really would be the highlight of my day if not my week. “Call me if you need to talk after you have that conversation with Edi.”
We left my office together. I almost didn’t say it because I didn’t want her to think I was any way trying to influence her decision, but I had to. What I felt for her now was unreal, and I didn’t know how much longer I could go without doing something more than just telling her about it.
“It won’t be easy,” I said with a genuine grimace. “It wasn’t when I broke things off with Mia, but as shitty as I felt seeing her cry, I knew it was the right thing to do. I’m glad I did it now. I know, with time, I’ll feel even better about having done it.”
She nodded with the same dreadful frown she’d worn Saturday night. All I could do now was hope she’d go through with it. “Good luck,” I said, before forcing myself to walk away.
~*~
Henri
I lost the nerve to set up the chair bed in the front room. I hadn’t slept in it since Edi had gotten back from California just after New Year’s. I knew if she walked in and I had it set up she’d know immediately something was up, and I didn’t want her jumping to conclusions. She already had her preconceptions of what might be going on between Aaron and me. This wasn’t about that, not entirely anyway. And I had every intention of driving that point home.
But I was tired, so I’d brought a blanket and pillow out to the sofa while I waited for her to arrive. As soon as I heard her coming up the stairs outside, I rushed to the door. I opened the door before she could even try to unlock it and felt my heart swell when I saw her. I’d been wrong. I had missed her. I was so good to see her, but at the same time, my heart ached. Could I really do this?
The moment she walked in, I hugged her, and she dropped her bag, wrapped her arms around my waist, and squeezed me, burying her face in my neck. “God, I missed you,” she whispered against my ear.
“I missed you too,” I whispered, feeling my throat constrict.
I didn’t realize it, but I must’ve gone a little stiff because she pulled away slowly and studied me, her brows slightly pinched. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I said quickly, overdoing the adamant shake of my head.
My heart pounded. I was going to chicken out. My mind was already racing with excuses. Maybe I shouldn’t do this tonight. Maybe I should wait into she’s settled back in. She was likely and understandably tired and had just arrived home from a long trip after all. I should give her some time before laying this on her. But she pulled further away, continuing to stare at me.
“What happened?”
“Nothing happened,” I said, reaching for her hand, and she let me but still stared at me questionably. Already, I could see uncertainty in her eyes manifest into fear then . . . something else.
“Did you sleep with him?” she asked, yanking her hand away.
“No!”
My heart thudded. I knew, technically, I was completely innocent of any wrong doing except for today. Today, when I saw Aaron after not having seen or heard from him in just two days—in his uniform, smiling at me as he had and looking so unbelievably amazing—I’d been floored by what I felt for him now. I could deny anything had happened between us all I wanted, because on the surface nothing had, only inside I knew better.
“Then what is it?” she asked again, searching my eyes. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
I was going to try and argue—play the fool and pretend I had no idea what she was talking about—but out of nowhere, I was hit with sudden valor.
“We need to talk.” I said as her eyes widened. “Nothing happened between Aaron and me. So please stop looking at me like that. This has nothing to do with him.”
She closed the door, pushed her bag out of the middle of the room with her foot and began taking her jacket off. “So talk,” she said simply.
“I don’t know if I can do this anymore.”
The instant pain in her eyes nearly made me take it back. I started toward her, but she held up her hand.
“Edi, I love you.” My stupid voice gave, but I pressed on. “I really do. You’re my best friend, and I’m terrified of losing you, but I’m not gay. I’m sorry. I know I said I could do this. I know you didn’t want to and this is what you were afraid of and I really tried. Don’t get me wrong. It’s been beautiful, and I really have enjoyed being with you, but—”
“How can you say that?” she finally said, her voice breaking, too, as the tears welled up her eyes. “How can you say that you’ve enjoyed it, but—?”
“Because,” I said, getting closer to try and cup her face, but she moved away. “I have,” I insisted and meant it. “I really have. I wasn’t faking what I feel for you. You mean everything to me. This just isn’t me, Edi. I’m afraid the longer we keep doing this the harder it’s going to be.”
“So why now?” she asked, her brows tightening, only this time in pain, not confusion. “Are you and he—?”
“No,” I said even louder this time. “This is something I’ve been thinking about for some time, and okay,” I conceded with a hesitant nod, “maybe hearing him talk about ending his relationship, even after ten years, because it’s the right thing to do, inspired me to do the same because it’s not fair to you. I don’t want to hurt you.”
Edi scoffed loudly, shaking her head and grabbing a napkin from the counter. “You don’t think this hurts?”
“I know it does. It hurts my heart to do this, but I’m not ending our friendship. I want that still. I need you in my life. I’ve been so afraid of that part of our relationship ending. It’s why I was hoping this would work, but it’s not right. And the longer this goes on, the more painful it’ll be later.”
She stared at me as she swatted tears away. Then I saw her notice the bl
anket and pillow on the sofa behind me. She glanced back at me, and I could see it had finally sunk in. This was really happening. “I could hardly wait to get back to you,” she whispered.
“I’m still here,” I said, feeling completely choked up. “I missed you too. I’m not going anywhere.”
Spinning around, she grabbed her bag and started to her room.
“Edi,” I called out, but she shook head, lifting her hand in the air as if to say she was done talking.
The door closed behind her, and I buried my face in the palms of my hands. I hated the thought of her crying herself to sleep. But I was certain that would be the case because I knew I would.
As hard as it was to do that and as much as it hurt my heart to know she was hurting, I thought of Aaron’s words today. It was the right thing to do. I know with time I’ll feel even better about having done it.
God, I hoped he was right.
~~~
The following morning was surprisingly less brutal than I thought it’d be. I could hardly believe I’d slept through Edi leaving. She was gone when I woke. But then I’d tossed and turned most the night so when I finally fell asleep I must’ve knocked out good. Of course, knowing Edi, I thought she’d probably done her best not to wake me to avoid having to talk to me.
I tried to go about my day as usual, though I could hardly concentrate on anything. Not only were thoughts of Edi and what was going to happen with us invading my mind all day, thoughts of Aaron never really left my mind either. I considered calling him more than once but just couldn’t. I felt guilty enough that what should be all-consuming reflections of loss and fear about what was going to happen between Edi and me were being drowned out by thoughts of him.
Thursday morning I was beyond relieved to hear Edi say she thought it’d be best if she attended her friend’s party that Friday alone. I’d been dreading it from the moment I realized she might still be expecting me to go with her. We’d barely exchanged a few words the whole week, and she’d noticeably been avoiding being the same room with me for too long, but when she told me, she’d sounded genuinely apologetic. She said she didn’t want me to think she was doing it to spite me.
“Astrid will probably be there like she has been at other parties since you and me . . .” She cleared her throat. “But I don’t want you to think I’m running back to her or that I’m looking to hook up with anyone. I’m not like that. I wouldn’t do that to you. I just need some time with my other friends—alone.”
She left out “to vent,” but I knew that’s what she meant and I understood. They’d likely have a hate-fest like the ones she’d never actually admitted they’d had before, but it was what I called them. I’d obsessed so much about my relationship with Edi that I’d read up enough to know the lesbian community even had a name for what they were very likely assuming I was—a LIC: Lesbian In College. And they weren’t particularly fond of LICs.
In other words, I was just experimenting and trying both teams for my own pleasure but ultimately knew which team I was really playing for. I didn’t like the implication because it wasn’t true. Edi knew I’d never toy with her heart or willfully hurt her. She knew I truly loved her as my friend and that was the only reason I agreed to even try this in the first place. While I hated that she might be having this kind of hateful conversation about me Friday, maybe not actually saying the hateful things but her friends filling her head with the ideas, I was glad she felt well enough to go out.
On Wednesday, I’d talked to Bea, who was still apologetic about the past Friday. Given everything that had happened since then, I refused to let her apologize further for “jumping to unfounded conclusions.” She also hadn’t mentioned anything about Aaron and Mia’s break up, and I could only conclude she still didn’t know, though I dared not mention it.
But Thursday was another story. The moment I got in her car when she picked me up, I could feel the difference in her chilly reception. We drove in silence for a little bit as I began to wonder how long I could do this. Evidently something had happened between Wednesday and Thursday. If I had to guess, Bea now knew about the breakup, and judging by her icy demeanor, clearly she blamed me.
I actually had begun to feel resentful. Sure, Aaron admitted to having feelings for me, but their breakup wasn’t my fault. I didn’t even have any intention of letting him in on what I’d begun to feel for him.
“Did something happen between you and Aaron this weekend?” she said, finally breaking the silence.
“No,” I replied immediately ready to stand my ground.
“I mean they’re broken up now. It wouldn’t matter if something did. You can just admit it if something happened.”
“Nothing happened,” I started to say. “We talked; that’s all. But I would never—”
“He told Mia he’s in love with you.”
I stared at her, staggered and speechless. She glanced at me for a moment then back at the road. I still had no words.
“She did say she’d prodded and accused him of it and he sort of denied it at first.” Bea lifted and dropped a shoulder. “When he and I talked Saturday morning and I told him about going over to your place and that I’d told you what Mia thought, he’d been pissed. He said he was a grown ass man. He didn’t get infatuated. Mia said it wasn’t until their argument got pretty loud and ugly and she continued to accuse of him of being in love with you that he finally admitted he was. I told her maybe he is just infatuated like she first thought but feels stupid about admitting it. Love just seems so profound, you know? He hasn’t known you long enough.” We came to a stop and she turned to me. “He is a grown ass man, and he’s been with Mia long enough to know the difference, Henri. Besides, your worlds are too different for it to ever work, and you’re so much younger than he is too. He’s gotta know that. Mia’s hoping this is his version of an early midlife crisis.” She lifted a brow with an almost pleading expression. “So am I.”
Up until that moment, I’d planned on coming in on Friday since I wasn’t going to the party with Edi after all. Edi’s “I wouldn’t do that to you” comment had kept me from being too detailed when Aaron texted me yesterday to ask how my conversation with her had gone. I planned on being good and not give into the temptation to call him or even text him. But I didn’t think I could wait until Sunday to finally see him again. Now I wasn’t sure if I should come back at all.
Chapter 16
Aaron
Are you home?
I sat up straight in my chair when I read the text from Henrietta. This was the first I’d heard from her since Wednesday morning when I texted her to ask how things had gone with Edi. She’d been vague, saying not too good and she’d tell me about it later. Bea was supposed to pick her up today, but when I got here, the disappointment that she wasn’t here was brutal. Waiting until Sunday to have to see her had already been torture, especially because she hadn’t responded to any of my texts since Wednesdays.
Bea said Henrietta had texted her this morning to let her know she didn’t need to pick her up because she wasn’t going to make it in today. She wasn’t feeling well. Of course, I immediately texted her to see if everything was okay, but again she hadn’t responded. I tried again later in the day and nothing.
It was almost annoying that she’d waited until this late to reply. Of course, that didn’t keep me from responding. My heart was already beating faster just from seeing her text. I responded with a simple yes, refraining to ask more, and waited. I could practically hear my own heartbeat as I waited in the heavy silence of the room for her response and then she did. I clicked on it anxiously.
Alone?
I frowned, wondering if I should just call her. Was that was she was getting at? That she wanted to talk to me, but she wanted to make sure I was alone? And why the hell hadn’t she responded to my other texts? I decided not to call only because I didn’t know what was going on with her. Had Edi given her the ultimatum she’d been so afraid of? Had she decided she couldn’t go through with it aft
er all and that’s why she’d thought it better to distance herself from me?
The thought hurt, but if it were the case, I planned to do what I said I would. I’d respect her decision and continue to be professional with her. If I called now, it might cause problems for her if Edi was with her. So I responded with another simple yes.
I could think of a million things I wanted to ask her—say to her—but I had to get it together. Each second that passed without another response from her felt like minutes. I prayed my phone would ring. What I’d give to just hear her voice. It was a slight disappointment to see another text from her and not a call until I read it.
Did you really tell Mia you’re in love with me?
My heart nearly stopped, and I stared at the text for a moment as a myriad of questions came to mind all at once. Who told her? Bea? Or had Mia actually come down here and confronted her while she’d been working? Was that why Henrietta hadn’t responded to any of my texts? Is that why she’d called in sick today? But most clamoring, why did she want to know?
I figured I’d know soon enough and there’d be no point in lying now. So I sent off my third single word text to her in a row but couldn’t sit anymore. This time waiting for her response as I paced around my office was absolute torment.
“Is it true?”
I flinched at the sound of her voice, jerking my head in the direction of the doorway to my office where she stood. After I’d gone this long without seeing her and then she showed up so unexpectedly, she was a glorious sight to behold. Even in the lounging outfit or rather especially in the lounging outfit similar to the one she wore when I got to spend time with her in my hotel room. I’d kept replaying that evening’s conversation in my head all these days I’d been away from her.
“It is,” I said, staring at her, not sure what to expect, but my gut told me she wouldn’t be here if she didn’t already believe it was true.
My only dread was that she was here to discuss her resignation after confirming this. To my relief, she smiled, leaning against the doorway, so I leaned back, sitting on the edge of my desk, and also smiled, exhaling for the moment. I still wasn’t sure what this meant.