“You scare the shit out of me.” Deklan shakes his head slowly as he tosses the fork onto the plate and leans back. “Do you know that?”
“I don’t think I’m that big of a threat to you.”
“Oh, how wrong you are. You are the biggest threat I’ve ever had in my life.”
“Why do you say that?”
“The job is the only thing I’ve cared about since I was a teenager. I’ve worked for the Foley family, done a lot of their dirty work, and made sure they were protected. Nothing else mattered to me…not until you.”
“And that’s bad?”
“If anyone understood how I feel about you, they could use it against me.” Deklan turns his hand over and interlocks our fingers. “It makes me vulnerable.”
“Because someone could get to you through me.”
“That’s part of it, yes.”
“What else?”
Deklan pauses and stares down at his empty plate. After a moment, he pushes himself off the floor and starts to pace.
“I’ve never had to…had to balance before.” Deklan runs his fingers through his hair. “Anything and everything I did had a single focus—Fergus Foley. Now, everything is different.”
“Because of me.”
“Not entirely,” Deklan says, “but yeah, it’s mostly you.”
I look away from him as my chest tightens. I can feel pressure behind my eyes, and I take a few deep breaths to make it stop.
Deklan turns on his heel and quickly makes his way to me. He shoves the paper plates out of the way, drops to his knees front of me, and takes my hands in his.
“And I wouldn’t trade that for anything,” he says. “It just means I have some adjustments to make in my thinking.”
“What kind of adjustments?”
“I can usually think calmly about things,” Deklan says. “I can rationalize and figure out the best course of action without a lot of emotion, but when it comes to you…well, I just can’t think clearly.”
I stare into his eyes, trying to read his expression. He’s not angry—I can see that—but he doesn’t seem happy, either.
“Is that such a bad thing?” I ask. “Aren’t you supposed to be emotional when it comes to your wife?”
“It has the potential to be bad,” he says. He grabs my chin when I try to look away from him. “Being emotional about you isn’t bad, but it could turn into something dangerous for us both.”
“I can be used against you.”
“I’m confident I can keep you safe from that.”
“Then what has you so worried?”
“I’m worried that I might do something stupid.”
I need a better explanation, and he knows it. I keep staring at him until he clarifies.
“Do you know how bad I want to go after Arden for you? Even though I know I wouldn’t stand a chance, I want to do it just so you can have closure. Rationally, it’s an idiotic thing to do and would likely get us both killed, but I’ve considered taking the risk more than once.”
“I don’t want you to risk yourself,” I tell him. “I never meant for you to do that. When…when I saw Kathy lying there and…and…”
“I know.” Deklan strokes the side of my face.
“I never should have asked you to do that.”
“You were in so much pain, it hurt just to look at you. I wanted to fix it. I wanted to take that pain away. I still do.”
“I don’t want you to put yourself in danger.”
“But I would,” Deklan says quietly. “Don’t you see? I’d do anything for you, and that’s what scares me.”
Chapter 31
“Um…okay, boss. I’ll get it done.” Brian closes his burner phone and looks over at me warily.
“What is it?” I stop hauling kitchen towels out of a box and look over at him.
After two weeks of Deklan’s delving into who knew about my kidnapping, he’s been surly and quick-tempered. I wasn’t very upset when he said he was going away for a couple of days and that Brian would be around if I needed anything. I was ready for a break.
“It’s Sean,” Brian says. “He needs me to go do something, and he wants it done now.”
“So, go do it.”
“I gotta get ahold of Deklan. I’m not supposed to leave you.”
“I can survive a little while on my own. Can’t you have Mac or someone stop by?”
“No one else knows about this place,” Brian says. “That’s how Dek wants it. No one knows, not even Mac.”
Brian tries for a good ten minutes but can’t reach my husband.
“Shit,” he mumbles.
“Just go,” I say. “Really—I’ll be fine. I could use a little alone time anyway.”
“Sorry, Mrs. K. I don’t mean to be in the way.”
“I know you don’t. But I can hear your snoring from the bedroom.”
Brian is tense and uncertain about leaving but finally goes to do Sean’s bidding, and I got back to my unpacking and organizing. I want to get it all done tonight so I don’t have to think about it anymore.
The noise from the television is my only company as I move the plates and bowls from one cabinet to another—again. I can’t seem to find the perfect place for them in the new kitchen. It’s much bigger than the one in the old apartment, and there are too many choices of location. There is even a second bedroom that’s completely empty, and I have no idea what we’ll do with it. Maybe we can turn it into a guest room for Brian. With an actual bed to sleep in, maybe he wouldn’t snore as much.
I’m actually starting to miss Brian’s presence a bit. As much as I thought I wanted some alone time, I miss having someone else around.
All the boxes are unpacked, and all the furniture is in place. There isn’t a coffee shop in walking distance of the new apartment, but Deklan said we would talk about getting me my own car when he returned.
I’m not sure how I’m going to approach getting my old job back. It’s hardly convenient now, and Deklan’s paranoia hasn’t waned. Nothing has changed about my feelings on the subject—I need somewhere to go, something to do, and somebody to see. I hope I don’t have to convince my husband of that fact all over again.
I yawn and glance at the clock. It’s much later than I realized. I look up into the cabinet once more, decide the dishes are as organized as they are going to get, and close the cabinet door.
I hear a beep from the burner phone on the counter. It’s a message from Brian saying Deklan has been delayed and won’t be returning until tomorrow. As I’m reading it, the phone actually rings.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Mrs. K. It’s Brian.”
“Hey, Brian.”
“I was about to head back your way, but the boss wants me to do one more thing for him. I should be back late tonight, but I don’t wanna wake you. I’ll just park outside and watch the place from the car.”
“That’s fine.”
“I figured.” Brian laughs. “I know you didn’t like me sleeping on the couch.”
“You were fine.”
“Uh huh.” He makes an exaggerated snoring sound, and we both laugh. “I’ll see ya in the morning, Mrs. K.”
“See ya then.”
I head to the bathroom for a shower. The bathroom in the new place is awesome all around, but my favorite part is the huge rainfall showerhead. I can stand under it for an hour and just let it pour over me. The stall is also big enough for both Deklan and me to shower together, and the ceiling is high enough that Deklan doesn’t have to duck to keep from hitting the showerhead.
The lavender scented soap makes me even sleepier than I was before. I stumble out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around me and crawl straight into bed. Once I’m under the sheets, I pull the towel off and toss it in the general direction of the bathroom. I’ll pick it up tomorrow.
I shiver, suddenly wishing I’d kept hold of the towel. The bed is insanely big without Deklan in it. The sheets are cold, too. All I can think about is how much I wan
t to feel his body next to mine and envelop myself in the heat.
Yes, I had welcomed a little break from Deklan and his sour mood, but I miss him now. In fact, I feel very alone and vulnerable at the moment. Brian was right—I wasn’t happy about him sleeping on the couch while Deklan was gone—but now I wish I could hear his snoring.
Mostly, I want my husband back.
Tears fall as I grab Deklan’s pillow and hold it to my chest. I wish it smelled more like him, but laundry had been done the day before he left, and the pillowcase just smells like detergent. I stare into the darkness until the tears dry up, and exhaustion takes over.
At some point in the night, I wake, freezing.
I’m still gripping Dek’s pillow, but the blankets are all on the floor. I’ve never kicked them off like that before, and I wonder what I had been dreaming about. I shiver as I climb out of bed to retrieve the blankets.
A soft click from the other room captures all my attention.
“Brian?” I call out softly but get no answer.
My heart begins to pound. I call his name a little louder, but there is no reply. I grab the end of the sheet and hold it to my chest as I tiptoe to the nightstand and grab the gun concealed inside. I check the barrel, just like Deklan taught me, to make sure there’s a round in the chamber. I peer around the edge of the door, but I don’t see or hear anything.
Stepping out into the kitchen, I can see there is no one else is in the apartment, but I can feel another presence. I sniff the air, almost positive there is a hint of cologne, but neither Deklan nor Brian wears any. Maybe no one is here now, but I’m sure someone was. I check the apartment door and find the deadbolt unlocked.
I turn it quickly as my heart pounds in my chest. I’m pretty sure I locked it before I went to bed. Then again, it’s a new place, and I’m not comfortable here yet. Maybe I did forget. Maybe the noise I heard was the refrigerator or the furnace.
I consider calling Deklan, but I’m not even sure what I’d say to him, and I don’t want to give him something else to worry about. I could call Brian, but if I did, he would tell Deklan all about it. If he told Dek, Brian would be in trouble for sleeping in the car. For all I know, it was Brian who stopped in to grab something he forgot, and that was the noise I heard.
What about the cologne smell?
I swallow hard. I glance at the gun to make sure my finger isn’t on the trigger. My hands are shaking, and I’m going to end up shooting the refrigerator if I’m not careful. I sniff the air again, but the scent is not as noticeable as it was just a minute ago. Maybe I imagined it. Maybe it was just something left over from whatever nightmare I was having. Regardless, if I call anyone, I would just sound needy and paranoid.
I shake my head, return to the bedroom, and drag the blankets back onto the bed. Instead of lying back down, I sit in the center of the bed with the gun still in my hands, listening carefully.
An hour passes. I hear nothing and feel ridiculous. After placing the gun on top of the nightstand, I lie back down and pull the covers up to my chin. I stare at the doorway, but it’s too dark to see much.
I grab the gun and jump out of the bed, quickly running to the bathroom and turning the light on so it floods the hallway. I rush back to the bed and sit, holding the gun again.
You are being ridiculous.
Everything that has happened has me so worked up, I’m not thinking straight. Kathy being killed, finding out about my father and the creepy stalker—it’s all been too much. I’m on overload, and I need to get this shit out of my head.
I take several deep breaths until my heart finally stops racing. I slowly place the gun back in the nightstand drawer and force myself to lie down and close my eyes.
Sleep doesn’t come quickly.
Chapter 32
“I want my job back.”
Deklan refuses to look at me. He turns his back as he grabs his watch from the top of the dresser and clasps it to his wrist. He holsters his gun and walks out of the bedroom without a word.
I follow.
“I really can’t take sitting around here anymore.” I cross my arms over my chest and hope I look determined enough that my stubborn husband will give in to my demands. “We talked about this before. I can’t just hang out here in the apartment, bored off my ass, while you are gone all day.”
“It is not safe for you to go back to that coffee shop,” Deklan says. He grabs a waffle out of the toaster and shoves half of it into his mouth. He still doesn’t look at me.
“Terry said he would hire me back.”
“Absolutely not.”
“You can’t stop me.” As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I know I made a mistake.
Deklan stops chewing, tosses the remaining bit of waffle into the trash, and then leans heavily against the counter. I can see the tightness in his jaw, and I take a step back when he turns toward me. It’s not far enough, and all Deklan has to do is reach out with his hand to grab my wrist and bring me close to him.
“Kera,” he says in a calm but cold voice, “do not think that because I have allowed that to happen before, I will allow it again. Don’t make the mistake of believing this is a marriage of equality. It isn’t.”
My shoulders slump, and it feels as if all my organs have dropped into my stomach. This isn’t news to me—I know my station in my life and this marriage—but Deklan has always been lenient, and to have it spelled out for me is a painful reminder of reality.
I feel his hand on my cheek, but when he tilts my head up, I look off to the side.
“I love you,” he says, “but you will do as I tell you. Once all this is sorted out and I know you are safe, we can talk about you getting another job. In the meantime, you will stay here, and Brian will be here when I’m not. You are just going to have to trust me on this.”
“It’s not like you trust me.” I swallow past the lump in my throat, willing myself not to shed any tears of anger.
“I do trust you.” Deklan narrows his eyes.
“Oh sure,” I say as I pull out of his grasp and toss my hands up in the air. “As long as you have someone watching over me twenty-four hours a day, you trust me completely!”
“That has nothing to do with me trusting you. I don’t trust anyone else. Don’t fight me on this, Kera. I’m not going to budge when it comes to your safety. I’m sorry if that upsets you, but that’s not going to change my mind.”
I slump down on a kitchen chair and stare at my hands in my lap. I’m running out of arguments, and I really need to find a way to win this one.
“I don’t like being left here alone,” I tell him. “I even had a nightmare the other night that had me so paranoid, I thought someone else was in the apartment. I barely slept at all.”
“You didn’t tell me about that.”
“It was just a dream.”
“Where was Brian?”
Shit. I hadn’t meant to rat Brian out. I try to brush it off, but Deklan grabs my chin and glares at me until I answer.
“He….he had to step out. Sean called him, and Brian said he would just stay in the car outside and watch over the place from there.”
“Motherfucker,” Deklan mumbles.
“Please, don’t be mad at him. It was my fault. He knows I don’t like him sleeping on the couch.”
“Mad?” Deklan lets out a hollow laugh as he releases my chin. “I’m a little beyond that.”
“He tried to call you.”
“He knows I don’t want you left alone—ever.”
“Well, what is he supposed to do if the boss tells him to do something, and he can’t reach you?”
Deklan doesn’t have an answer to that one. He leans against the counter again and scowls at the floor.
“How long?” I finally ask. “How long will it be this way?”
“I don’t know,” Deklan says. “I need to figure out if there was anyone else involved in your kidnapping aside from your father and Grange. There are still a couple of missing pieces.”
“Maybe I could help with that.”
“I don’t want you involved.”
“I’m already involved, Dek.” I stand up and move in front of him, wrapping my arms around his neck. “I don’t want to fight about this.”
“I don’t want to fight with you either.” He places his hands on my hips and kisses my forehead.
“Maybe we can compromise?” I tilt my head and watch him carefully as he narrows his eyes, and an idea forms in my head.
“What kind of compromise?”
“Well, how about I come work with you?”
“Fuck no.”
“Deklan—”
He pushes me away and heads for the coatrack.
“Completely out of the question, Kera! There is no way I’d allow that!”
“I don’t mean doing…what you do.” I go after him and grab onto his hand before he can put on his jacket. “But I could still do something. I could translate like I did that one time or maybe help Teagan with the books or something. You could keep an eye on me yourself and not have to rely on anyone else.”
I can see by Deklan’s expression that I’ve made a good point. I look up at him hopefully.
“I don’t know.” Deklan shakes his head slowly, and I know I need to pounce quickly before he changes his mind.
“You know I could be useful,” I tell him, “and you wouldn’t have to worry about me—I’d always be close by.”
He takes in a deep breath, stares into the distance for a moment, and then looks back to me.
“I’ll talk to Sean about it,” Deklan finally says, “but I’m not making any promises.”
I smile broadly and stand on my toes to plant a big kiss on his lips. He kisses me back, then glares down at me again.
“Frustrating woman,” he says. “You can come with me today. You are the topic of conversation for the morning anyway, so you might as well be a part of it.”
“I am?”
“Yeah.”
“About my father and the kidnapping?”
“Yeah. Now get yourself ready so we’re not late. I’ll tell Brian to meet us at the house.”
Deklan takes a roundabout way to the Foley mansion, constantly checking his rearview mirror for anyone following us. I glance back a few times myself, but I never see anything. Deklan is obviously tense, and I’m afraid to ask why. I have the feeling he might decide to turn around and take me back to the apartment if I say anything.