"Mind? I'd love to meet the Good Magician! Will I get to fight my way into his castle, too?"
"Yes, I'm afraid you will."
"Wonderful! Oh, this is so thrilling! I can't wait to get started."
Jenny was somewhat taken aback by this enthusiasm. She herself had had some trouble adjusting to the Land of Xanth, which was so different from the World of Two Moons where she had lived before. But of course, Kim was Mundane, so she had to be thrilled to be anywhere else. "We can start now, if you wish. Sammy can find us a safe path past the Ogre Fen." For each Player started from a different place in Xanth, so they wouldn't interfere with each other. Dug had started from the isthmus, but this was farther to the east. The demons moved the site back and forth each time.
"Oh, are we near the Ogre fen Ogre Fen? Will we get to see an ogre?"
"We don't want to see an ogre!" Jenny protested. "Ogres are dangerous. If we get near any of them, they are liable to squeeze us into pulp and plop us into a cook pot, or worse, if they're in a bad mood."
Kim looked disappointed. "Well, could we maybe just sneak by where they can't see us, so we can just catch a little glimpse? It would mean so much to me."
Jenny saw that they had a problem. "Look, Kim, maybe you are used to reading about Xanth, where nothing really bad happens to major characters. They just get scared, but it always turns out okay in the end. But you're not a Xanth character, you are a Player, and if an ogre catches you, he'll do something mean to you, like biting off your head, and you'll be out of the game. Furthermore, if you should come back in the game, not only will you have to start from scratch with a scrambled set of threats, that ogre will remember you, and come after you faster next time. It doesn't get easier to start over, it gets harder. So you don't you want to run afoul of any ogres; they'll ruin your chances, even if you don't really die when they pull you apart and use your legbones as toothpicks. I'm sure Sammy can find a way through the Ogre Fen without encountering any ogres, and that's what we should do."
"But I don't want to get caught by the ogres," Kim protested. "I just want to see them. So when I go home I can say I saw a real live game ogre. What's the sense in playing, if I can't see what I want to see?"
"Well, I sort of thought you might want to win, and get the prize.**
"Well, of course I want to win the prize! But the fun is also in the playing. I want to experience every part of Xanth, and enjoy it to the utmost. It's great already, just seeing it in three-dee and talking with you just as if you're real."
It was worse than Jenny had feared. Underneath all her knowledge of Xanth, Kim really didn't believe at all. So she wasn't taking it seriously enough. She had an Attitude problem. This was sure to lead to mischief. But Kim was the Player, and she was the one who made the decisions. All Jenny could do was help and advise her.
"Well, if you insist on seeing an ogre, we'll go see an ogre," Jenny said. "I'll have Sammy try to find a path that leads to a place where we can see without being seen. But I still think it's a bad idea."
"It's a terrible idea," Kim agreed. "But fun, too. Adventure is the spice of life. Let's go!" s So Jenny set Sammy down. "Find a path that leads to a place where we can see an ogre, without any ogres seeing us." she told him. "Don't run ahead; just find where it starts." She had learned how to manage the cat, so that she didn't have to chase madly after him when he went to find something. She had first come to Xanth when Sammy had flashed off to find a feather, and she had followed him so he wouldn't get lost, but gotten lost herself. Since then she had been stuck in Xanth, but soon enough she had come like it, though she did miss her family back on the World of Two Moons. The last thing she wanted to do was have Sammy run into some other world, so that they wouldn't be able to find their way back to Xanth.
Sammy headed off. Jenny held on to the invisible leash the demons had given her, so that she could fell by its tug where the cat was. Sammy couldn't feel the leash; in fact, he didn't know she had it. It stretched just as far as it needed to, invisibly long, but contracted as she caught up, until it was invisibly short. So she no longer had to dash pell-mell after the cat, trying to keep him in sight; he was always within the feel of her hand.
However, this did not make things perfect, because the cat took the most direct cat-route to whatever he was finding. If this was along a path, fine. But it could as readily be under a thorn bush, or up along a tree branch, or through a river. Or under the nose of a sleeping dragon. Sammy would zip by before the dragon woke, but Jenny was slower, larger, and smelled of elf, and all those things made a difference to a dragon. So care was still required.
In this case the cat merely zipped through the thickest tangle of a cornfield. The corn popped madly as she forged through it. "Oooh, firecrackers!" Kim exclaimed, delighted.
"No, just popping corn," Jenny said. "Oh, I hope the sound of it doesn't alert the ogres!"
Then she felt something sticking to her. She looked, and discovered kernels of caramel corn. They were overripe and gooey, so they made a real mess. She tried to pull them off her clothing, but they had melted in and wouldn't come out. Well, this was the kind of nuisance that happened, when she chased after Sammy.
Soon they came to the cat, who was sitting at the end of a path, licking the caramel from his fur. This was the one.
Jenny glanced at Kim. Kim was not really here; instead there was the square window to Mundania, showing her as she sat at her keyboard. The window was always right in sight, so that the Player could see the game scene; it moved along with Jenny. So it was easy to forget that Jenny was traveling alone, physically. Kim would not really be in the scene until she achieved the second act of belief, and believed in magic. But that would happen as the game progressed. Some things just took time to believe.
Jenny picked up the cat. They followed the path through the deepening reaches of the dread Ogre Fen. Jenny would be glad when they got out of here, because it was the kind of place only an ogre could like. The trees were warped, the victims of ogre pranks; some had been tied in knots, and others looked like pretzels. Some were in tatters, showing that once an ogre in a bad mood had passed. The ground was no better, it was grudgingly shifting from a swamp to a bog, and thence to a marsh; soon it would become a full fen. Fortunately the path itself was dry. This was because the ogres preferred awful paths, so didn't use this one; thus Sammy had found the one safe from ogres. Or at least less dangerous; no path was truly safe from an ogre.
They passed some cords hanging down from branches extending over the path. Jenny's elbow brushed one. It twanged loudly. Immediately several other cords twanged, forming a quartet of notes, as if several people were singing.
"What's that?" Kim inquired, startled.
"A vocal cord," Jenny said. "I hope it doesn't attract the ogres."
But when she tried to move on, she brushed another cord, and there was another group of simultaneous notes. She shuddered; the ogres were sure to hear this music! They were lucky; no ogres came. Jenny breathed a sigh of relief. But she knew that the danger wasn't over. They needed to get out of ogre country.
They came to a hugely spreading tree whose trunk looked like thick rubber and whose branches had rubber rings spaced along them. The tips of the branches touched thin wires, which in turn swung away through the branches of other trees. There was a faint humming coming from the wires, and now and then a crackling sound.
"What kind of tree is that?" Kim asked. "It's grotesque!"
Jenny studied it. She had had to take a cram course in the flora of Xanth, so that she could be a good Companion and identify anything that might be either helpful or dangerous. “It's an electrici-tree," she said. "It has a lot of power, I think."
Kim laughed. "I'm sure it has! Maybe this is where our electric power comes from. I see the wires headed away. We better not stay here too long; the electric field might be bad for us."
Jenny looked. Sure enough, the tree's roots extended down into a shimmering field. There was water below, but the wire grass
grew up thickly. She hadn't run into this in her studies; maybe she had snoozed through that particular lecture. "An electric field is harmful?" she asked.
"Well, we don't know, for sure. But folk don't like to live too close to power lines, just in case."
Then they heard an ominous thudding, and the ground trembled. "The ogres are coming!" Jenny said, alarmed. They must have heard the vocal cords after all. "We'd better hide in the tree."
So she scrambled up, with Sammy scampering up ahead of her, and the screen view that connected them to Kim angling along. Just in time; the first monster was already heaving into awful sight of course there was no such thing as a good sight, near an ogre, except the sight of a last way out of sight
"Oooo, an ogre!" Kim exclaimed.
"Quiet!" Jenny hissed, horribly alarmed. Ogres had adequate hearing: adequate to locate whatever they wanted to squish flat or pound into oblivion or chomp into quivering fragments.
"What are they doing?" Kim asked, in a lower tone.
Jenny studied the scene. It was a whole tribe of ogres, males and females, and they seemed to be looking for something. Then they spied it: a glowing ball nestled in the electric field. One ogre lumbered into the field and grabbed the ball—and burned his hands. He dropped it, with a small curse that set fire to the nearby grass. Or maybe it was the fiery ball that did that. "I think they're collecting a ball of lightning to heat their cook pot," Jenny whispered. "Ogres aren't smart enough to make their own fire, so they must have to take it where they find it"
"A lightning ball!" Kim exclaimed. "How Xanthly!"
"Not so loud!" Jenny warned.
But it was too late. An ogre perked an ear. "Me hear thing near," he said. Jenny felt deepest dread. Then he cocked an eye. "Me see a she!"
Disaster! "We have to flee!" Jenny said.
But the only route out was the one they had come in on, and the ogres were standing too close to it. The big male ogre was already stomping toward the electrici-tree. They were trapped.
The ogre reached up and whammed the branch they were on with his hamfist. The whole tree shuddered, and the branch vibrated violently. Jenny was jarred right out of her perch. She screamed as she fell.
But the ogre swept his hamhand across and caught her by the scruff of her collar. "See she!" he exulted, waving her around for the others to inspect.
"Leave her alone!" Kim cried. "She's with me."
The ogre peered at the sound of her voice. There was the window-screen, showing Kim beyond. "Fox in box," he grunted, and grabbed the screen. He hauled it up to snout level, upside down.
"Eeeek!" Kim cried as the picture jolted around. Her hair fell away from her body as the screen was inverted. Then the ogre got it turned over, and her hair flopped back into place. "Let go of that screen!" she said, shaken. "Imagination in the game is fine, but this is ridiculous!"
The ogre laughed. "Me dump in sump," he said, shoving the screen down into the water of the marsh.
"Oh!" Kim cried as her picture emerged. "Blub!" Now her hair was soaking wet "Stop that!"
"Just look—me cook," the ogre said, carrying both Jenny and the screen toward a huge pot an ogress was setting up. The lightning ball was already under it, and the muddy swamp water was beginning to bubble.
Jenny tried to think of something to do, but couldn't. They had fallen right into the worst possible situation: captives of the ogres. She had tried to warn Kim to be careful and quiet, but the girl hadn't paid enough attention.
But now Kim regrouped her composure. "You can't do this," she said angrily.
The ogre paused, evidently perplexed. He was trying to figure out how to ask why not, but couldn't make it rhyme, so he just stood there stupidly. Ogres were good at that But then he put it together. "Not got?"
Jenny still couldn't think of an answer. She was really washing out as a Companion! She should have thought of some way to stop Kim from insisting on coming here.
But Kim was now defending herself. "You can't cook us just like that. We're people. You have to win us in a contest."
All the ogres looked at each other, confused. They had never heard of this. That meant that they couldn't be quite sure it was wrong. But Jenny was confused too. What kind of contest? An ogre could win just about any physical contest, especially if it required strength. Ogres were justifiably proud of their strength and ugliness. "How, now?" the ogre who held them inquired.
"We must have a stupid contest," Kim said. “To see who is most stupid."
The ogres liked that They were most proud, with most justification, of their stupidity. They were bound to win such a contest. "Rules, tools," the main ogre said in what in a smarter person would have passed for bad rhyme and worse logic.
"It's like a game," Kim said. "You must be the Ver and me be the Pid. Those are our names. But we have to find the rest of our names. When we do, we'll know who is smarter, and so who loses."
The ogres were confused. That wasn't surprising; so was Jenny. What did Kim have on her mind? She obviously wasn't stupider than any ogre, and would be hard put to it to prove it especially to an ogre.
"Me Ver," the ogre said. "She Pid." He was so confused tjat he wasn't rhyming.
"First put us down," Kim said. "You can't play with your hands full."
The ogre set the screen down next to the bubbling pot. He set Jenny down beside the screen. The other ogres settled on their haunches, waiting to see what to make of this.
Kim brushed back her hair, which was drying. "Now we will take turns naming us, until we find names that fit."
"How know?" the ogre asked, in another sloppy attempt at rhyme.
"Why, the other ogres will know," Kim said brightly. "When they hear a name that makes sense, they'll exclaim with recognition."
The other ogres looked doubtful. Their doubt was well taken; they were hardly smart enough to recognize any sense in anything even if they understood the game, which they didn't
“To start," Kim said. "Sil. That's the name. Can you match it to our names?"
The ogre pondered hard. Fleas jumped off his head, annoyed by the heat. But it was no good; he did not know what to do.
"Like this," Kim said. "You are Sil-Ver. I am Sil-Pid. Are those good names?"
The ogre pondered harder. A wisp of steam rose from his head as a thought tried to forge through heavy resistance. He was unable to form a conclusion. Neither could the other ogres.
Jenny saw that the ogre's name made a word: silver. That could be considered a name. But it didn't seem to be very unintelligent. That might be why the ogres couldn't recognize it What was Kim trying to do?
"Well, then," Kim said. "They must be bad names. You try one now."
Jenny was afraid the ogre's hair was going to catch on fire as he tried to think. But just as the first curl of smoke appeared, he got it: "Bop."
"Very well," Kim agreed. "You have challenged me to make good names with that. You are Bop-Ver and I am Bop-Pid. Are those good names?"
The ogres remained doubtful. So did Jenny. They were nonsensical names.
Kim looked disappointed. "I guess I couldn't make any good names with your suggestion. So I'll make another for you. Riv. Can you make good names from that?"
The ogre was finally catching on. "Me Riv-Ver," he said. "She Riv-pid."
There was a stir among the other ogres. "Riv-Ver," an ogress said "River! Good name."
"Oh, my," Kim said, looking unhappy. "You did make a good name! It's probably a really stinky river, too."
The ogres clapped their hamhands, pleased. They were getting into it now. But Jenny wasn't; she didn't see how this was going to keep Kim's screen out of the boiling pot She knew that if Kim's picture got boiled, it would be just as if she got boiled: she would be out of the game.
Then Kim frowned. "But is it a really obtuse name?” Then, seeing the ogres' confusion, she clarified her reference: "witless."
The ogres considered the matter, and slowly concluded that it was not ogrishly witless.
/> Now it was the ogre's turn to offer a name. "Chomp," he said.
Kim concentrated. "Now, let me see. You are Chomp-Ver. I am Chomp-Pid. Are those good names?"
It turned out that they were not. She had lost her chance, again.
But now it was her turn to supply a name. "Stu," she said. "Can you make a good name with mat?"
The ogre tried. "Me Stu-Ver," he said. "She Stu-Pid."
There was a pause. Then an exclamation. They had recognized a name! "She Stu-Pid!" an ogress exclaimed. "She Stu-pid! Stupid!"
Then they were all chorusing it "Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!"
Jenny began to get a glimmer where this might be headed.
Kim sighed. "I guess you have done it You have found a good name for me. I'm Stupid."
The ogres were quick to agree.
"But we still haven't found a good name for him," Kim said after a moment "Do you have another one to try?"
The ogres were unable to change mental gears so swiftly, and could not come up with a name.
"Well, then, let's try Cle," Kim said. "Does mat work?"
The ogre managed to put it together. "She Cle-Pid. Me Cle-Ver."
There was another slow reaction. The ogres recognized a word! "Cle-Ver! Clever! He Clever!"
"Why, so he is," Kim agreed. "That must be his name. Clever."
“Clever! Clever! Clever!" the ogres chorused. Kim frowned. "Now we both have names. He is Clever. I am Stupid. "So which one of us is more stupid?"
"She stupid!" the ogre said, nailing it down.
“So he is Clever, and I am Stupid," Kim said. "So I am more stupid than he is."
They chorused agreement.
Suddenly Jenny saw the point. "So she wins! Because she is the most stupid!"
The ogres stared at each other. How had this happened? Kim had won the stupid contest! They had to let her go.
But when Jenny started to walk away, the ogre stopped her. "Elf no stupid," he said. "Elf go potty." He picked her up by the scruff and swung her toward the hot pot. Sammy Cat, perched on her shoulder, seemed about ready to jump off.