I wanted to punch something. I was so angry at myself I wanted to punch my own face.
“You don’t think I can see that? It fucking killed me when she was screaming at me not to touch her. Knowing I’m the one who caused this.” My voice cracked. “Oh God, it’s tearing me up inside, Gunner. I’m no better than the fucker who hurt Ellie. And worst of all, I didn’t only hurt Ari; I hurt Ellie. Did you see how she was looking at me, Gun? I fucked up with Ellie big-time.”
He shook his head, and his eyes filled with sadness. “You fucked up with Ari big-time too. You know the girl likes you. What’s with this you-don’t-like-her bullshit?”
My head was spinning, and all I really wanted to do was go to sleep. Forget this whole fucking night ever happened.
“I don’t understand my feelings for Ari. She has me so fucking messed up all the goddamn time. It’s been like this for at least the last five years.”
Gunner gave me a shocked look.
I was never going to be able to repair this.
“Fuck!” I shouted.
A small knock at the door had me saying, “Come in.”
Ellie slowly opened the door. Her eyes traveled to the bed. It hadn’t been made, but it had nothing to do with Rebecca. By the look on Ellie’s face and the fact that she was covering her mouth, she didn’t know that.
Gunner instantly went to her. “Ellie, what’s wrong, sweetheart? Are you sick?”
She shook her head and slowly dropped her hands to her sides.
My own sister hated me. I had been trying to protect both her and Ari by keeping my feelings for Ari hidden, and all I did was manage to hurt them both. I didn’t even bother hiding the tears that fell from my eyes.
Ellie took a step back, and I started to stand.
“Don’t. Don’t, Jefferson. What you did tonight, it was . . . it was . . . I don’t even want to think about it anymore. I only wanted to let Gunner know that Ari is asleep in his room.” She looked at him. “Do you need anything out of there? I could get it for you.”
“Um, no, it’s okay. I’ll just wear a pair of Jeff’s shorts,” Gunner replied, glancing back at me.
Gunner and Ellie walked out of my room, and I heard hushed voices. When I heard the sound of Gunner’s door closing, my breath hitched in my throat. She wasn’t even saying good night to me.
I crawled into the bed, pulled the covers over my head, and prayed for Ari’s forgiveness.
The morning came too soon. I got up and told Gunner I was going for a run, when I really went to the gym and tried like hell to get Bubba to knock some fucking sense into me.
I walked through the front door, and Gunner’s eyes widened.
“What the fuck happened to you?”
With a half-hearted shrug, I replied, “I went a few rounds with Bubba up at the gym. I needed to work all the fucking alcohol out of my system.”
Getting a water, I sat on one of the barstools. “Are the girls up yet?” I asked as I drank my water.
Gunner shook his head. “Dude, I think you worked out too hard; you look like shit.”
I watched as he reached into the oven and took out some muffins.
“Fuck you. I’m not the one acting like Betty fucking Crocker.”
He let out a chuckle. “Seriously, Jeff. Are you feeling okay? You get enough sleep?”
I was far from okay. I hadn’t hardly slept a wink, especially knowing Ari was in the house.
“Yeah, I feel all right. I can’t believe I drank that much last night. I never drink like that.” The bottle of Advil caught my eye. The last time I had drunk so much, I ended up waking up in a fucking bed with Josh and a waitress.
I shivered at the memory.
“Do you, um, remember everything that happened last night?”
My eyes snapped up to meet his. For a brief moment, I wanted to lie. Tell him I didn’t remember a damn thing. My eyes stung as I fought to hold my emotions back.
“Yeah, I remember everything that happened last night. Believe me, I woke up wishing I had been drunk enough to not remember it.”
Ari walked out of Gunner’s room, and damn, she looked beautiful. I sat up a bit straighter.
“Good morning!” Ari called out as she practically fucking skipped into the kitchen. I couldn’t take my eyes off her, which was nothing new. What was the matter with me? Why couldn’t I just admit my feelings for her and take the risk?
“Did you make blueberry muffins, Gunner? My goodness. No wonder Ellie has the hots for you.”
She laughed, and it made my entire body come to life. It even took away the pain I was feeling after Bubba hit me one too many times.
“Arianna!” Ellie gasped. Gunner looked at my sister like he had just forgotten how to breathe. He also looked like he wished they were the only two people in the room right now. It was sort of fun watching him act like this. I’d never seen a woman make Gunner act like this.
After he said good morning to Ellie, he poured her a glass of orange juice.
Ellie sat down next to me, but I was focused on Ari again.
Gunner must have asked Ellie how she slept, but I hadn’t heard him.
“I slept okay. Thank you so much for giving up your room last night for us.”
My stomach lurched, and I closed my eyes. The memory of Ari throwing up nearly made me want to do the same thing.
“Look, Ellie, Gunner made blueberry muffins. Isn’t that so sweet? Some guys are just like that. Caring. They know how the little things make a woman so happy.”
Ari leaned against the counter and stared right into my eyes as she spoke. After a few seconds, she went back to texting someone.
After clearing my throat, I stood and asked, “Ari, may I speak with you in private, please?”
It was time I bit the bullet and told her the truth. I had feelings for her. I couldn’t do this anymore. I needed to just see where this would go. Plus I really needed to apologize for the dick move about her virginity last night.
“Um. No,” Ari stated as she picked up a muffin and started buttering it.
My hands ran down my face as I tried not to lash out at her. I was ready to admit my feelings for her, and she was going to be fucking stubborn.
Sighing, I asked again. “Please. I really need to talk to you. Please.”
When she looked at me, I took a step back. Her eyes were filled with anger.
“Whatever you have to say to me, you can say it in front of my friends. You know what those are, don’t you, Jeff? Oh, wait, the type of friends that you have, you fuck them in your room during your sister’s graduation party.”
My legs felt like they were going to buckle out from under me. I took a few steps back, like her words had verbally smacked the shit out of me. Maybe they knocked a bit of sense into me as well. What in the hell was I thinking?
Gunner’s wrong. She doesn’t have feelings for me.
“Ari, that’s enough; he only wants to talk to you,” Ellie said as her gaze bounced from me to Ari and then back to me.
Ari lifted a brow and challenged me to say what I had to say in front of everyone. Fucking hell, this woman drove me mad!
“No, it’s fine, Ellie. If this is how Ari wants to have this go down, then that’s fine by me. I was going to apologize for my comment last night that embarrassed you. It was very insensitive of me to bring up the fact that you’re still a virgin, and you fucking dry humping every guy at the party might give them the wrong impression that you were ready to give it up.”
I slammed the water bottle down on the counter, making it collapse and causing both Ellie and Ari to jump.
“Jefferson! Oh my God! How could you say that to her right now after what you did to her last night?” Ellie said, walking over to me.
Her expression was a stunned one, and all I did was let my emotions turn to anger, like I always seemed to do when it came to Ari.
“What did I do to her, Ellie? I was trying to apologize, and she’s being a bitch about it.” I faced Ari. Her expres
sion was blank, and I wished I could rewind the clock. Why the hell did I always fuck things up?
“You slept with that girl, Jefferson. You knew that was going to hurt Ari; you knew it would.” Ellie’s voice cracked.
“Hurt Ari? Why would it hurt Ari? She didn’t seem to act like she cared too much about me last night while dirty dancing with every Tom, Dick, and Harry she could find.”
Ari shook her head at me, like she couldn’t believe the words coming out of my mouth. Why were they so damn angry? It wasn’t like Ari was my girlfriend . . . half the time she acted like she couldn’t stomach being around me.
“Is that what it is, Ari? Are you upset because I slept with another girl, because the last time I checked, sweetheart, I didn’t have a girlfriend.” I shouted it, not being able to control my own anger.
“Do not call me ‘sweetheart,’ you son of a bitch,” Ari replied back to me. Her voice sounded soft and defeated. When a tear ran down her cheek, I wanted to punch myself in the face. Again. This was becoming a new thing with me, it seemed.
Gunner tried to step in and get the train wreck under control but ended up pissing off Ellie with something he said. Truth be told, I hadn’t heard anything the two of them were saying back and forth. The only thing I could focus on was Ari. The sadness in her eyes was there because of me.
God, I was a stupid idiot.
I opened my mouth to tell her I fucked up, that all I could think about last night, hell, the last two years, was her. She was the reason I was going mad. Driving myself fucking insane and doing this stupid shit because deep down I was scared to death that I would give my heart to her and risk losing her as a friend. I was a selfish bastard who needed her in my life. Any way I could take her.
Ari’s head tilted slightly as her eyes searched mine. It was like she was waiting for me to say something to her that would magically make the last twenty-four hours disappear.
But I didn’t say anything, because I had hurt her and I deserved whatever hell she wanted to put me through.
When her body straightened and she regained control of her emotions, the sadness in her eyes was replaced by something else. What it was exactly, I couldn’t tell, and I was afraid to find out.
Gunner and Ellie were next to me. Their voices were muffled.
“Can I please say that I couldn’t care less what this dickwad does, okay?” Ari said, pulling me out of the fog. “So, Jeff, have at it. Fuck whoever you damn well please, ’cause you’re right, we have nothing together.”
Her words felt like a knife slowly pushing into my chest. The pain was real . . . I felt it and nearly wanted to drop to my knees.
“We never have, and as you made it so very clear last night, we never will. I got your message loud and clear.” She tried to fight it and stay strong, but another tear slipped from her eyes, and I lost it. Walking toward her, I was ready to get on my damn hands and knees and beg her to forgive me.
“Fuck, Ari, please let me explain. Please just let me explain. I wasn’t trying to hurt you last night. I got angry, and you were flirting and—”
Ellie cut me off as she went into another attack on Gunner. Ari’s eyes bounced back and forth from Ellie to Gunner. She looked agitated that Ellie had cut me off, and I know I sure as hell was.
The next thing I knew, Ellie stormed off and headed to Gunner’s bedroom.
Ari and I looked at each other, and I went to talk, but she held up her hand. “Don’t. Please just stop. I can’t do this with you right now.”
My mouth shut, and I stood there like an idiot when I should have been begging for her forgiveness. “I need you to understand, Ari.”
She shook her head and turned her body away from me. She looked at her phone and walked to the front door.
“Ari, please let me take you home so we can talk,” I pleaded, but she completely ignored me, as if she was trying to keep up the fort she had quickly built up around her.
Ellie and Gunner came back out, and my sister was pissed.
“Ellie, let me drive you both home,” Gunner pleaded.
Ari cleared her throat. “We don’t need a ride—thank you, Gunner. And no, Jeff, you cannot take me home so we can talk. We have nothing to talk about.”
A lump formed at the base of my throat, making it hard to breathe.
“How are you getting home, Ari?” Gunner asked.
“I sent a friend a text message asking him if he could take Ellie and me back to my house.”
Heat rushed through my body. “What friend?” I asked.
Ari smirked, knowing her answer was going to push me over the edge.
“Josh. He gave me his number last night and asked me out on a date. I told him no last night, but I seem to have woken up with a much clearer head this morning.”
She smiled at me, and I nearly lost my shit right then and there.
“The fuck you will. There is no way my sister, or you, are getting in a car with that asshole!”
Reaching into my pocket for my phone, I called Josh. “Hey, it’s Jeff.”
“I was just about to—”
Cutting him off, I laid into him. “Yeah, I know, and I want you to listen to me good. You come anywhere near my sister or Ari, and I promise you, I’ll break you in two fucking pieces, you got it?”
“Dude! I was trying to tell you I was getting ready to call you to tell you Ari texted me to come get them, but I wasn’t going to and needed to find out what to say to her about why I couldn’t pick them up.”
“Good!” I said, not really letting his words sink in. “Lose her number.”
I hit End and threw my phone onto the sofa and walked down the hall to my bedroom. I was so angry, and all I wanted to do was pull Ari into my arms and kiss the living fuck out of her.
Slamming the door to my bedroom shut, I paced back and forth. The image of Ari crying last night and then again this morning replayed over and over in my head.
Asshole. You stupid jerk. I ruined it for sure now. If I had ever thought there might be a chance with Ari, I made sure it was gone.
I sat on the bed. My body felt numb while tears slowly made a trail down my face.
The very thing I had desired so badly, I had just destroyed. Nothing even mattered anymore.
Nothing.
Chapter Thirty – Josh
“So do you want to tell me what has you staring off into space?” Brad asked me, taking a bite of his hamburger.
“What?”
He laughed. “Josh, ever since the graduation party for Ellie, you’ve been in another world. What’s going on?”
Her blue eyes came to mind, and I felt my chest squeeze. It was a feeling I’d never experienced before. No. That was a lie. I felt it the first time I looked at Heather, Ellie’s friend. I felt it every time I thought about her. It didn’t take me long to figure out that it had been Heather and Amanda that I had seen on the side of the road all those months ago with a flat tire. It had been Heather sitting in the passenger seat that night. I’d felt my chest squeeze when our eyes met and then again at the party, when I actually walked up to her and talked to her. Her voice, her smile, the sound of her voice.
She had me twisted from the inside out.
“Nothing’s going on.”
He gave me a look that said he didn’t believe a damn word I was saying.
I decided to change the subject. “So how do you like this girl Amanda?”
The smile on his face said it all. “I like her a lot.”
“Exclusive?”
“Hell yeah. I’ve practically seen her every damn day since the party.”
Laughing, I replied, “That was over a month ago.”
He took another bite of his sandwich. “Yeah, so what’s your point?”
My shoulders lifted, “No point. I guess I was just pointing out that you’ve been with the same girl for over a month. Is that a record?”
“Unlike you, my friend, I don’t have a revolving door with women coming and going.”
I gr
inned. Little did he know I’d put a lock on the door. Well, I didn’t . . . a beautiful, innocent-looking Heather had put a lock on it. Anytime I tried to hook up with a girl, I couldn’t. All I could see was her eyes. Her smile. Smell the perfume she had on.
It was driving me fucking crazy.
“Well, we all can’t be blessed with the tools to attract the women.”
Brad laughed and shook his head. “You can keep your tools. I think this one is the one.”
Leaning in closer, my mouth dropped slightly open. “What? The one? How in the hell could you possibly know that after a month?”
“I don’t know,” he said with a stupid grin. “I feel things with her that I’ve never felt before.”
My heart nearly stopped.
“You know, the way your chest tightens when you see her smile or the way your breath stops when she laughs.”
The way I was staring at him had to be a sign that I had no earthly clue what he was talking about.
“Brad, don’t do this to me. First Gunner falls for Ellie, then Jeff loses his damn mind over Ari, and now you’re doing this to me? You’re leaving me for ‘the one’?”
He laughed. “Jeff hasn’t lost his damn mind. He just can’t admit to himself he likes Ari and has for a while, just like you can’t admit you like Heather.”
Her name made my chest feel like it just dropped down to my stomach.
“You’re fucking crazy, dude. I don’t like Heather.”
Brad’s left brow rose, as if he was daring me to say it again.
“I. Don’t. Like. Heather.”
“So let me ask you something. Since the graduation and the other day when you saw her, when she was with Amanda and they stopped by my place, you didn’t look twice at her?”
“Of course I did. She’s beautiful and has a nice body.”
He rolled his eyes. “Okay, fine. You haven’t thought about her once?”
I looked down at my uneaten hamburger. “No.” It was a mumbled response.