“I did,” Ellie mumbled as her thoughts strayed to the man she was supposed to marry. Would it be a wise choice though? Her mind had doubts, and yet, her heart rejoiced at the thought of marrying Rick. All those years, she had never been able to forget him. Something about him had touched her heart. Even at so young an age, he had been most honourable, and the way he had looked at her and listened to her, she felt like he had really seen her, seen who she was.
But would he see her now? Would he still smile at her despite the scars that covered the lower left side of her face, her neck, her arms and hands? Ellie closed her eyes. Lord Haston had not been able to look past them. What were the chances Rick could?
Ellie knew it would be wise to listen to her mind’s counsel. However, when she remembered Rick’s laughing eyes, her heart jumped and a smile spread over her face. In that moment, Ellie knew she was lost.
Yes, she would marry him.
If anyone could see past her scars, Ellie was certain it would be Rick.
Chapter Nine − The Man She Remembered
Tying her bonnet, Ellie walked across the front hall toward the door. However, when she approached, it swung open, revealing a chilled looking Madeline in its frame. When her eyes beheld Ellie, she smiled and hurried inside. “It certainly does not feel like spring out there.”
Ellie did her best to still her trembling hands. “I am sorry, Madeline, but I am actually on my way out.”
Looking surprised, her friend asked, “May I accompany you then?”
Ellie hesitated, not sure what to say. She didn’t want to hurt Madeline’s feelings, but her heart was in such an uproar that even the slightest delay felt like torture.
Madeline’s eyes narrowed. “What is the matter? Is something wrong? You look pale.” She took a step closer, her gaze searching Ellie’s face. “What happened yesterday? What did your parents have to tell you?”
Ellie swallowed, and Madeline’s eyes narrowed further.
“I…Well, they…,” Ellie stammered, not knowing where to begin. There was so much to say, and yet, everything was so entangled that Ellie felt her mind spin.
Taking her friend by the arm, Madeline steered her toward the drawing room. She pushed her down onto the settee before closing the doors, and then she sat down beside her. “You look like they delivered a death sentence,” Madeline jested, her voice, however, sounded strained. “What did they have to tell you?”
Ellie licked her lips and then swallowed. She lifted her eyes off her trembling hands and looked at Madeline. “An offer of marriage was made for me.”
Madeline’s eyes opened wide, and for a moment, her mouth gaped slightly open. Then she swallowed, and a smile spread over her face. “But that’s wonderful!” she beamed, giving Ellie an enthusiastic hug. “Why do you look so sad? Do you not like him?” Again, her eyes widened. “Who offered for you?”
Closing her eyes, Ellie shook her head, knowing the words would feel like a lie on her tongue. “The Marquess of Elmridge.”
“What?” Once more, Madeline’s mouth stood open. “He did? I didn’t know you knew each other. From what you said, I thought−”
“We don’t,” Ellie interrupted. “That is just it. From what my parents told me, I am not his choice, but his mother’s.” She hung her head, her hands playing with the hem of her sleeve. “I believe he doesn’t even know who I am.”
Madeline took a deep breath before she reached over and gently pulled Ellie’s hands into hers. With tender eyes, she looked at her, and a smile played on her lips. “Do you care for him?”
For a second averting her eyes, Ellie nodded.
“Then don’t be sad,” Madeline said. “Even if he doesn’t know who you are now, he will. He liked you once, he will like you again.”
Looking into her friend’s eyes, Ellie wished she would feel the same conviction in her heart that rang in Madeline’s voice. “I don’t even know if he liked me then. He was kind to me, but that doesn’t mean he cared for me.”
Squeezing her hand, Madeline smiled. “How could he not? My dear Elsbeth, you are the most wonderful creature I’ve ever beheld.” Embarrassed, Ellie averted her eyes, a slight blush creeping up her cheeks. “Don’t look so bashful!” Madeline laughed. “If I were a man, I would have asked for your hand a long time ago.”
Ellie chuckled, feeling the tension in her muscles subside.
“I am serious,” Madeline insisted. “You’re kind and caring and absolutely sweet-tempered. It is a delight to be around you. And yet, you are brave and courageous. You do what needs to be done. You care for others more than for yourself, and despite everything, you look at life with a smile on your face.” Again, Madeline squeezed her hand, and Ellie looked up at her. “Very few people can suffer what you did and still enjoy life. You are a rare woman, Elsbeth Munford, and Frederick Lancaster can call himself lucky that you agreed to marry him.”
Looking at her friend’s caring eyes, Ellie felt a soothing warmth spread through her. “Thank you,” she whispered. “What would I do without you?”
“Suffer endlessly, I’m certain.” Madeline smiled at her before her eyes went wide. “You did agree to marry him, didn’t you?”
Laughing, Ellie nodded. “I couldn’t help myself. Even if I have doubts, I…,” she bit her lower lip, feeling a flush warm her cheeks, “I want him.”
***
Stepping from the carriage, Ellie looked up at the imposing townhouse. Despite Madeline’s encouraging words, Ellie had felt the need for an open talk between married−or in her case, soon-to-be married−women. And so she had ushered her friend out the door without being too obvious and had instantly set off.
The butler directed her across the large foyer to the drawing room. Stepping through the door, he announced, “Miss Elsbeth Munford.”
Following on his heels, Ellie walked into the elegantly furnished room, and her eyes immediately went to the smiling woman rising from the settee. As the doors closed behind her, she hastened toward her friend. “Rosabel, it is so good to see you.”
Wrapping her in a tight embrace, her cousin agreed, “Indeed, it is. How long has it been?” Stepping back, Rosabel looked at her, her eyes gliding over Ellie’s scars. “Do they still hurt?” she asked, compassion ringing in her voice, not pity.
“Occasionally,” Ellie admitted, knowing that Rosabel would instantly detect a lie. “Especially when the skin gets dry, it feels tight.” Ellie shrugged. “I have a special balm I use daily to keep it smooth or, at least, as smooth as possible.” She smiled at her cousin, feeling the need to change the topic. Glancing at her cousin’s midsection, Ellie asked, “How much longer until the baby comes?”
Rosabel smiled, brushing a gentle hand down her flat belly. “At least, six months,” she said, gesturing for Ellie to take a seat, “if everything goes well.”
“It will,” Ellie said. “Do you wish for a boy or a girl?”
Pouring the tea, Rosabel shrugged. “I already have a wonderful little girl as well as a wonderful little boy, so…it doesn’t matter. I only hope for a healthy baby and a safe delivery.”
A smile on her face, Ellie took the offered cup. “Have you thought of names yet?” she asked, sipping her tea and welcoming its warmth.
“No, not yet,” Rosabel laughed. “It is a bit early for that.” Eyeing her friend over the rim of her cup, Rosabel asked, “What brings you here, Ellie? Your note didn’t say. However, the look in your eyes has me a little worried.”
Ellie swallowed, setting down her teacup. She took a deep breath and met Rosabel’s eyes. “I am getting married.”
Remaining silent, Rosabel’s eyes did not waver from her face. Instead, they narrowed as though looking at her cousin more closely. “You do not sound happy,” she finally observed.
Ellie shrugged. “I’m torn. I…”
“Who asked for your hand? I wasn’t aware that someone was courting you.”
Ellie drew a deep breath and in a few words related what had happened as well as he
r concerns regarding her betrothed. “I’m not sure if I did the right thing,” she admitted, shaking her head in confusion. “What if he does not want me? What if he comes to hate me because he cannot stand to look at me?” Despite Madeline’s assurance that all would be well, Ellie couldn’t help but look into the future with fearful eyes.
“You do care for him, though, do you not?” Rosabel asked. “I still remember how you told me about the service he had done you all those years ago.” A soft smile played on her lips. “Your eyes glowed when you spoke of him, and they still do.”
Once again, heat flooded Ellie’s cheeks.
“Why do you blush?” Rosabel asked. “Did you not think that I knew?”
Sighing, Ellie shook her head. “I’m not sure. It is just that…ever since the accident, ever since my face was openly disfigured, I feel as though that is all people see, and they make me feel as though the life I once had has come to an end. As though I have no right to dream of love,” she swallowed, “because who could love someone like me? Therefore, it would be safer for me not to love at all so that I am not disappointed when my love is not returned.”
“Do you truly believe that you don’t deserve to be loved?” Rosabel asked, sadness clinging to her voice. “That no one can possibly love you?”
Ellie shrugged, feeling uncomfortable at baring her soul, and yet, she knew that if she wanted her cousin’s advice, she needed to be open about how she truly felt. “Of course, the accident was traumatic and painful…and,” she closed her eyes for a moment, “and it changed everything. But deep down, I always felt like I was still the same person. Yes, I will never look at fire the same way as before, but…,” she shrugged, “I was me. Does that make sense?”
Squeezing her hand, Rosabel nodded.
Relieved, Ellie continued, “I did not wake up one morning thinking that I had nothing to live for anymore, realising that no one could possibly look upon me and consider me beautiful. I mean, I knew I looked different, but…” She sighed. “It was them, not me.”
“Them?”
Ellie shook her head. “All those people who looked at me with pitying eyes, who whispered behind me back, who assumed that all of a sudden I didn’t want to dance anymore.” Feeling tears sting her eyes, Ellie swallowed. “At first, I was determined to make them see me as I saw me. But after a while, I suppose their words changed how I saw myself after all. Right now, I am not sure what I think much less what to do.” She looked at her cousin with pleading eyes, and a single tear spilled over and ran down her cheek. “Please, help me, Rosabel. I feel so lost, and I don’t want to make a mistake and ruin his life along with my own.”
Leaning forward, Rosabel drew Ellie into her arms, holding her tight as she rocked from side to side.
Slowly, Ellie felt herself relax. The sense of dread that had settled on her heart upon beginning her story turned into a sense of hopeful expectation. If anyone could help her find her way, it was Rosabel. “You truly have a mother’s touch,” Ellie whispered, brushing the tear from her cheek.
Smiling, Rosabel sat back. “Georgiana taught me,” she said, love shining in her eyes, “in a moment when I myself had no hope for a happy future.”
“But you are happy now.”
“I am,” Rosabel said, “and you will be, too.”
More than anything, Ellie wanted to believe her. “But how?”
Clearing her throat, Rosabel took a deep breath. “I will not lie to you, Ellie. From what you told me, the road ahead does not seem to be easy to travel.” When Ellie’s heart sank, Rosabel took her hand. “However, if anyone can turn this into a happy ending, it is you.”
Ellie smiled. “But what should I do?”
“Be yourself,” Rosabel said. “We can only ever be who we are. He will like you for who you are.”
“I’m not sure he will,” Ellie admitted, suddenly feeling defeated again. “What if he cannot see past my scars? Most people cannot.”
“When you first met him all those years ago,” Rosabel began, “do you think he liked you then?”
Biting her lip, Ellie frowned. “How am I to know? He certainly didn’t say anything.”
“That would have surprised me,” Rosabel chuckled before her eyes grew serious again. “Forget how you feel today. Forget other people’s remarks as well as your own fears for the future. Close your eyes and remember. Remember how he looked at you, how he spoke to you. Do you think he liked you then?”
Closing her eyes, Ellie once more felt the burning sun upon her smooth, untainted skin. The heat had the sweat running from her pores, and yet, she had felt light and carefree. She remembered the shock at being discovered in the brook, her skirts pulled up over her knees. She remembered Rick’s clear, blue eyes as he had looked upon her, neither judgement nor disapproval showing in them. He had sent his friends away, swearing them to secrecy, and helped her out of the water. Tactfully, he had averted his eyes, and yet, a delighted smile had played on his lips. Ellie remembered the tingle that had coursed through her as their hands had touched.
A smile came to her lips, and she opened her eyes. “Yes,” she whispered, “he did like me.”
“Good,” Rosabel said, squeezing her hand. “My dearest cousin, let me tell you what my own experiences have taught me.” Ellie nodded eagerly. “Marriage is not easy even under the best of circumstances. We cannot look into another’s heart and mind and know them like we know ourselves, our own wishes and fears, our own hopes and dreams.” Rosabel shook her head, remembering. “Heaven, sometimes we don’t even know who we are ourselves.”
Ellie smiled, knowing only too well how true her words were.
“If you care for him,” Rosabel continued, her eyes imploring, “then look at him with open eyes and an open heart. Remember the man you knew, but never forget that life shapes who we are. Years have passed since you last spoke. Years that changed you as well as him. At his core, he might be who he has always been, but who knows what happened to him? What might have changed his dreams and wishes, his fears and dreams? He might not even recognise himself after what he has been through.”
Ellie nodded. “You mean the war?”
“Yes,” Rosabel said, shaking herself as though a shiver had run over her. “I cannot even begin to imagine what it must be like to find yourself in a soldier’s position, to take lives and watch people you care for lose theirs.” She drew a deep breath and once again squeezed Ellie’s hand. “However, it is probably not only the war that has had its effects on who he is. He lost his father while he was still away, and from what Graham told me, they had a close relationship. Then his brother dies under highly suspicious circumstances, and he suddenly finds himself the marquess. Upon his shoulders now rest all the responsibilities that come with such a title. I can only think of it as a burden, especially since he wasn’t prepared for it since birth.”
Again, Ellie nodded. Much of what Rosabel had said had already occurred to her, and yet, hearing Frederick’s life put into simple words helped her understand what he had gone through in the years since their encounter.
“Get to know the man he is now,” Rosabel said, a knowing smile on her face, “even if he does not want you to see him. If you allow him to push you away, you will both suffer for it. Take my word for it even if you feel despair crushing the life from you, never give up. The day will come when all your efforts will be rewarded.”
Ellie took a deep breath, knowing the difficult path that lay ahead, and yet, looking into Rosabel’s encouraging eyes, she knew it could be done. After all, Rosabel and Graham were among the happiest couples she had ever seen. The love and devotion that shone in their eyes every time they looked upon each other spoke volumes and gave her heart the inspiration it needed to even attempt to win Rick’s heart for herself.
“Who knows why his mother chose you?” Rosabel said, interrupting Ellie’s train of thought. “Maybe she saw the strength that resides within you. The strength that allowed you to overcome great tragedy and reclaim your right t
o be happy.” She squeezed her hand. “Maybe she is hoping that you will be the one to help her son leave the shadows behind and find his smile again.”
Feeling a heavy burden lifted off her shoulders, Ellie sighed.
Chapter Ten − An Agreement
After years of making life-and-death decisions in the field on a daily basis, Frederick raked his hands through his hair at the insignificant problems that plagued him now. Petty disputes be-tween tenants with regard to borderlines and such drove him mad. Why could they not see the bigger picture? He cursed, momentarily mad at his brother for abandoning him and leaving him alone to deal with these issues.
Resting his back against the soft leather armchair in his study, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying his best to release the stress that was starting to pound behind his temples.
After returning home from the continent, Frederick had already fancied himself in hell. Now, however, things had actually gotten worse. Every morning, he woke up with the single desire of being left alone. He did not want to face the world, nor see or speak to anyone. Not even his family.
Only because it was his duty did he go about his business or the estate’s business for Frederick had yet to come to terms with the fact that he now was the marquess. He didn’t feel like a marquess, and he sure as hell wasn’t worthy to be one.
Why did Leopold have to die? He cursed yet again, feeling an instant pang of guilt when he remembered his mother’s and Maryann’s solemn faces.
Frowning, Frederick sat back. Did he not grieve his brother’s passing? He wondered. He did not know. All he knew was that his eyes did not brim with tears every time his brother was mentioned. He did not long to have him back. He did not curse the night that had taken him from them. Or rather he did; however, his reason was usually that he was annoyed with having to handle the estate.
These days, Frederick didn’t experience a variety of emotions. The only one he repeatedly felt was annoyance. Everything else had receded into the background, barely there, almost forgotten.