“Do not start, Jason.” She gave him her worst glare. “And don’t you dare call me crazy. If you do that one more time I swear that I will rip out your guts with my bare hands and strangle you with your own intestines.”
His expression changed, surprising her with a thin smile. “Yeah, okay. Because that’s exactly what someone who’s sane would say. You’re right.”
“Jason!”
But he fell silent after that, either too tired to argue any more or too depressed. She wondered what was making him so unhappy.
They’d been able to hear the occasional crash of a distant shot for a while, but that had ceased. The ambushers had been ambushed, and from what Kira had seen, Maxim’s force had been nearly annihilated.
Nearly. If Mage Ivor had gotten away, some other powerful or high-ranking members of the group might be with him.
The coach finally ready, they wedged themselves onto hard seats along with others taking the lowest and slowest form of mass transit. The coach rattled off, the fresh horses stepping fine over the streets of Cape Astra.
Kira watched for any checkpoints, worried about being stopped, but none materialized as the coach cleared the northern reaches of the city and headed into the countryside beyond. The road dipped between low, rolling hills that she knew would soon give way to the southernmost stretches of the Great Woods, fewer and fewer structures visible, the fields of crops on either side giving way to pastures dotted with sheep and cattle.
At some point she fell asleep, securely pinned between one side of the coach and Jason. In her dreams, darkness swirled around her like a midnight storm. Kira walked through the turbulent dark, seeking a way out, but no matter which way she went she found a wall blocking her. When she raised her arms to beat at the barriers penning her in, she saw that she wore Mage robes instead of a Mechanics jacket. Had the Mage watching her in her earlier dreams been herself? Or someone else? “Why are you doing this to me?” she shouted into the darkness. “Let me go!”
Instead of an answer, all she heard was her question flung back at her from the walls penning her in.
* * *
They stayed on the road north for three days, making slow progress between stops at various way stations serving small towns and even large individual farmsteads.
Kira had awoken the first of those days with a clear head, but as they traveled without getting much sleep, and her worries about Mage Ivor and her own powers gnawed at her, Kira found herself repeatedly slipping into periods of which her memories afterwards were fractured.
She knew when she’d been berating Jason because of the way he glowered sullenly and stubbornly ahead after such times. Their traveling companions changed with each stop, but Kira could tell from the expressions of those who’d ridden with them a while that she’d shown her worst side again and again.
How could she destroy her powers when she couldn’t get rest?
Some of the vendors at the stops offered herbal concoctions and brews that would aid sleep even on a coach jolting along rough roads. Kira studied them with worried eyes, remembering Doctor Sino’s advice, but also recalling that terrible night when she’d been drugged by the Imperials. In the end she always turned away and spent miserable hours unable to rest.
Where was Mage Ivor? She was giving him a perfect target. Whenever her confidence in the wisdom of that plan wavered, Kira found herself plunging back into that state of perfect confidence, or occasionally blacking out for short periods.
She didn’t tell Jason about the blackouts. He didn’t ask, so she didn’t have to lie about it, and she didn’t volunteer the information. Jason had enough problems to worry about. So did she.
As her lucid periods grew briefer, Kira felt fear settling in on her, a constant companion. Every time she woke into clear thinking, Kira wondered if that would be her last, if the next time she’d be forever trapped, until one last blackout stayed for as long as her body remained alive. Someone else. Not her any longer.
Doctor Sino’s encouraging words, that when blacked out she was the same person, meant nothing anymore. Because how could she be the same person and not know what she was doing? Kira sat watching the road go by, feeling as she were irreversibly losing her mind and her self, that the battle might be already lost. Jason stayed with her. Jason kept insisting they’d find the answer, but she could read the fear in his eyes and hear the dismay in his voice even as he sought to reassure her.
“Megan’s Crossroads,” the coach driver called down as they rolled to another stop.
Kira got out, feeling near the end of her rope. She stood in the open air, looking up at an afternoon sun peeking through the trees that soared about them. The Great Woods. They’d reached the southern reaches of that vast forest. She’d always wanted to visit the Great Woods. The irony of being here under these conditions felt coppery and bitter in her mouth.
“Want to see what’s inside?” Jason asked her, pointing toward the small wooden station house. It was one of those structures that could have been built centuries ago or last week, sturdy and unadorned. A place to shelter passengers and goods for short periods.
“Sure.” Kira walked to the station, where the coolness of the shade inside didn’t compensate for the mustiness of the air. She paused for a moment, gazing at a calendar posted there. The picture on the calendar was a common one in the West. Lady Mari stood on the last wall of Dorcastle, defiant as she rallied the defenders, Mage Alain beside her, her banner flying, the Imperial legions falling back in defeat. But it wasn’t the familiar picture that held her attention. “Hey, Jason.”
“What?”
“It’s my birthday.”
He looked at the date as well. “Happy birthday.”
“I’m eighteen.” Kira stared at the numbers on the calendar, a strange darkness filling her. “I’m not going to live to be nineteen.”
Jason squeezed her arm just a little too tight to be comforting. “Yes, you are.”
“Let go of me. That hurts.”
His hand instantly let go. “I’m sorry.”
Kira looked at him, her anger evaporating as she took in his haggard face. “What have I been putting you through?”
“You can’t help it,” Jason muttered.
“That’s no excuse. Why don’t you leave? You can’t do anything that makes any difference. So go. You’d be safe.”
He looked at her for a long moment before shaking his head. “No. There must be something I can do. Why do you keep asking me to go?”
“Because I don’t want you to die!” She hissed the answer in an angry whisper. “Why is that so hard for you to understand?”
“There are easier ways to protect me,” Jason said, not yielding at all. “And you. But you keep rushing off to danger and trying to make me go away. Why?”
“I don’t know!”
“Are you sure? Kira, you told me before we left your parents that you were certain finding the answer to your problem involved me. Were you lying?”
“No!”
“But if you make me go away, maybe you won’t find the answer.” His eyes lit with sudden understanding. “Is that what you’re trying to avoid? Are you afraid of learning what the answer is? Don’t you want help?”
“That is so stupid! Why would you ask me that?” Kira demanded. “I don’t need help. I don’t need you here. I can handle this myself.”
“I don’t think so.”
Kira had to look away, feeling trapped. “I don’t need help. Back off.”
“Why won’t you—”
“Back off!” She shoved him out of the way and headed for the door.
Adding to her anger, she could see out of the corner of her eye two older men shaking their heads at Jason behind her. Kira heard one of them as she plunged out the door.
“Whatever it is, a wise man would give her room and time to cool off.”
The coach was ahead, the four horses drawing it resting in harness before beginning the next stage of the journey. Kira stared at them a
s for the first time she realized that an attack on the coach to kill her might also kill or injure those horses.
She was a danger to everyone and everything. Including herself. Mage Ivor would catch up with her eventually, and when that happened she’d have to ensure she was the only one who could be harmed. Maybe she could still take down Mage Ivor, but whether she won or lost no one else should die because of her.
Kira spun on her heel, walking toward one side of the station. Behind it, she could see another road wide enough for wagons heading into the woods. But off to her left was a trail suited only for one or two people walking side by side. Low-hanging branches ensured that riders couldn’t use it. Kira walked quickly that way, swiftly finding herself swallowed by the forest. Within twenty steps the sounds of the station had faded and the sight of it was blocked, as the trail wove around the trunks of trees so large and old that they must have begun growing when the great ship seeded Dematr with plants from Urth.
She had no idea what she was doing. All Kira knew was that something was close to breaking, and she had to get away.
But one sound stayed with her, the steady tread of someone following. Not trying to catch up, just staying behind her a short distance.
Kira finally stopped and looked back.
Jason stopped, too, watching her.
She tried to keep her voice calm but heard it crack on the first word. “Will you please stop following me.”
“What will happen to you if I do, Kira?” Jason asked.
“I don’t care. I just want you to be safe. You said it yourself, Jason. I keep taking you into situations where you might die. I don’t know why I’m doing that.”
“You could stop me if you really wanted to,” Jason said, staying about three lances behind her, not trying to get closer. “Break my leg, knock me out—”
“Stop! I won’t hit you again!”
“Kira, you told me you think the answer involves me or needs me or something. So I’m going to keep following you until we find that answer.”
“Why?”
“Because I love you, and you need me. And I promised you I would.”
“I’m releasing you from that promise. Go!”
He just stood there, saying nothing, until Kira turned away and started walking again. Maybe if she just kept going Jason would eventually give up.
She couldn’t see the sun, hidden behind the leaves of the towering trees, but the shade under their limbs grew steadily darker as the sun drew near the western horizon. Her legs ached with fatigue, but Kira kept going, trying to walk away from whatever was out to hurt her and whoever could get hurt because of her. The trail faded out at some point, leaving only the leaf-covered soil pocked with patches of tough grass that managed to survive on the little sunlight that filtered down through the mighty trees. But she kept walking, weaving between tree trunks.
She had no idea where she was, Kira realized.
When she reached a small open area, Kira came to a stop, feeling both very weary and trapped despite the open pathways under the trees all around her. The shadows under those trees mocked her, seeming to conceal hidden foes.
Tired of running from a danger she couldn’t seem to find or escape from, Kira walked to a tree and sat down, her back against the broad trunk.
Jason came into the clearing, moving like someone who was relying on willpower alone, and sat down on the opposite side.
Neither of them said anything as the night darkened.
“Why won’t you just go?” Kira finally asked in a low voice.
He didn’t answer.
Desperate, she sought for something that might drive him off, keep him safe from whatever was happening to her. “Is it because of the wedding? Well… forget it. The wedding is off. We’re… not right for each other. You’re not… ” The words nearly choked her as she fought to say them. “My man. You’re not my man.”
Jason, slumped against the tree behind him, shook his head slowly. “You can tell when people lie, Kira. I’m not all that good at doing that, but even I can tell you don’t mean what you’re saying.”
“Yes, I do! I’ll never marry you! Go away! Go back to Urth! I don’t care!” Kira heard her voice break again on the last word. “Why are you still sitting there? Aren’t you listening to me?”
“I’m listening,” Jason said, his voice dull. “You don’t have to marry me. Or go out with me ever again. But I’m not leaving you to die.”
“You’ll die if you stay!”
“Okay,” he said, sounding resigned to his fate. “Because I couldn’t live knowing I’d bought my life by letting you die. I just can’t. I’m not a hero. I never pretended to be. I’m not brave. But this girl I know… ” Jason struggled to speak, his face working with emotion. “She showed me things. She showed me that when someone needs help, you help them. And when a job needs to be done, you do it.”
“I never taught you to sacrifice yourself needlessly!”
“I guess not,” Jason said, looking at her as if she was the fading remnant of a dream. “But maybe this is my way of standing between you and what’s trying to kill you, just like you stood between me and the legionaries who were trying to kill me. And maybe I’m down to my last three shots and next time it’ll all be over. But I’m going down fighting, Kira. Fighting for you. You don’t owe me anything for that. You’ve already given me more than I ever thought life could hold.”
He was going to die because of her. Kira stared at Jason, her thoughts churning wildly. She felt her powers straining against the barriers holding them, as if also preparing to attack her. The only thing that stood out, the only thing that was still clear, was that Jason would die because of her. “No. You’re going to go.”
Jason shook his head wordlessly.
Her powers. They were causing this. If only she could destroy them this instant. Despite her weariness, Kira focused on a desperate attempt at forcing her powers into nothingness. A wave of panic responded, as if the dark woods about them were suddenly full of enemies ready to strike and Jason had only moments left to live. “You need to leave now!”
“No,” Jason said.
“Listen to me!” Desperate, panic overwhelming her, Kira reached inside her jacket and drew her pistol, holding it pointed up. “Don’t make me use this.”
Jason stared at her in shock. “You’re threatening me with that?”
“It’s the only way to save you!”
He gave a short, sad, tense laugh. “You’re going to shoot me to keep me from getting hurt?”
“If I have to.” She flipped off the safety. “Get out of here, Jason, or I’ll use this!”
He didn’t move. “No. Kira, you need me so much right now—”
“Stop it!” Her mind filled with anger and confusion, Kira worked the slide to load a round. “Go!”
“No.”
Kira brought the weapon even with her chest, leveling it toward Jason, knowing only that she had to get him away from her. “Jason!” Her hand holding the pistol shook, the barrel close to being aimed at him. “This is your last warning! Go away! I mean it!”
He stayed sitting against the tree, shaking his head. “No. I’m not going away. Not until you’re safe. Then I’ll go, if that’s what you want.”
A small part of Kira watched herself, terrified, as she threatened Jason. She was the biggest danger to him. How could she stop herself? “If you don’t go, I swear I’ll… ” Kira flinched as her Mage powers suddenly flared inside her again, her inner barriers crumbling. The world wavered about her. “No! I won’t—!”
Kira stumbled to a halt, staring around her. She was on her feet. The clearing that she had been sitting in was nowhere to be seen. The woods on all sides were pitch dark except for the eerie glow of moss on the old trees.
She must have blacked out again and started walking. How long had it been? Where was she? It felt late, very late, and her legs quivered with weariness, as if she’d been blacked out and walking for another hour or more. Her power
s were quiet, like a dark pool inside her whose depths masked their actions the way shadows hid whatever lay beneath the trees of the forest. Kira slumped against the thick trunk of a nearby tree, concentrating on trying to block her powers again.
Something wasn’t here, she realized. Something that should be here.
Not something.
Someone.
Kira spun around, looking for Jason. Where was he? “Jason?” she called softly. No answer came.
Her hand hurt. She looked down, seeing her pistol still tightly gripped. She must have been holding it ever since…
The last thing she remembered was facing Jason, her pistol out, aimed toward him, ready to—
Where was he? She looked down at herself, panic building inside again. No thread was visible leading into the darkness. Leading to Jason.
Fumbling with fear, Kira ejected the magazine on the pistol and checked the chamber. She counted the cartridges. No, that had to be wrong. Count again. No. That couldn’t be right. Unload the magazine. Count every cartridge. No. Count again. No, no, no.
One was missing.
She’d fired her pistol.
The last thing she remembered was pointing it in Jason’s direction.
Kira looked around again, the darkness under the trees foiling her search. Why couldn’t she see the thread that should lead toward him? “Jason? Jason, please answer me. If you’re hiding, please come out. This isn’t funny, Jason. Jason?”
Why hadn’t he followed her? He’d said he’d stay with her. No matter what. But he wasn’t here.
"Kira, the only way you could get me to leave you is by shooting me.”
He’d said that. Back on the sailboat.
“What have I done?” Kira whispered. “What have I done? Stars above, what have I done?”
The pistol fell from her limp hand to lie among the discarded leaves. Her other hand relaxed and dropped the loose cartridges and empty magazine beside it.
Kira looked back into the dark, silent woods again.
“Jason?”
The horror of what she’d done overwhelmed her. Kira screamed, the sound tearing her throat as it filled the forest.