“Really?”
“Yes. It’s not a real house I’m seeing in my head, of course. The house, and everything in it, is just my mind’s way of portraying things in ways I can understand. It’s all mental metaphors. Illusions.”
“Nothing is real?” Jason asked, smiling in reaction to her enthusiasm.
“Right! Be sure to say that again around my mother when we get back.”
He nodded, smiling wider. “When we get back? So you think this can fix things?”
“I think it has a really good chance. I mean, I kept trying to tell myself these things. So it must be important.” She paused, carefully examining her thoughts.
“What’s the matter?” Jason asked.
“I remember being really sure about things at times in the last few weeks,” Kira said. “I want to be sure this isn’t that kind of sure.”
“It’s not,” Jason said. “I can tell. If it was, you wouldn’t be asking yourself that. You’d be absolutely certain that you were right and this would work, and wondering why I couldn’t understand it.”
Kira sighed, gazing at him. “You had far too many opportunities to learn about how I am when I’m not thinking straight, didn’t you? All right. Let me think. How do I get to the house and… try to set things right in there?” She bit her lip as she thought. “I need to do it the same way I tried attacking my powers. Meditate. Go really deep. I don’t know how long I might be in there. Can you keep watch?”
“Yeah, I think I can do that.” His expression took on a worried cast again. “Can anything go wrong? Can you still end up… worse off?”
“I don’t think so. I’d have to keep doing the wrong things, and now that I realize what the wrong things are, I won’t. Jason, I should have figured this out! I could feel what was happening but instead of realizing why it wasn’t working, I just kept trying harder to do the same thing.”
“A lot of people do that,” Jason said. “And, after all, you’re only mostly perfect.”
She grinned at him. “So are you. Mostly perfect enough to help me finally see what I wouldn’t see. I am so going to marry you.”
He shrugged, uncomfortable. “You don’t have to. I mean, you said—”
“Those were fears, Jason. Out-of-control fears. And even when I was saying those things I knew they weren’t true. Every time I’ve been centered, every time my mind has been clear, I have wanted to be your wife someday. That’s how you’ll always know when I’m myself and thinking clearly. When I say I want to marry you. All right? All right. This is a good spot, so I’ll stay sitting here. I’m going to go pretty deep inside myself. Don’t try to wake me.” Kira saw the worry in him as Jason nodded. “I know it’s going to be hard for you. We’ve been fighting battles together for a while, and now like on the boat, I have to fight alone while you can only watch.”
“Maybe I’m in there somewhere and can help,” Jason suggested.
“Maybe you are.” She settled herself, hands resting loosely in her lap.
“Kira? Remember, this isn’t a battle. This is making peace.”
“You’re right. Maybe a symbol of love and survival would help me.” Kira dug in her pocket until she found the loose cartridge and folded her hands around it, once more resting them in her lap. Feeling safe with Jason watching for trouble, she began controlling her breathing and relaxing her body. Kira closed her eyes, focusing inward… inward…
Darkness. Conflict. Somewhere just outside of her awareness a battle was raging. But that battle she had been fighting was both doomed to fail and a distraction. She needed to find the cause. Kira continued on through the tumultuous darkness inside her, seeking her center.
She didn’t know how much time had passed when she found herself before the house again. It seemed clearer this time, but though she could see details when she focused on any particular portion, that made the rest of the house blurrier.
Kira imagined walking up the front steps and inside, the front door opening at her touch. Something told her that this time she should explore the house before heading for the basement door.
The kitchen should be there.
She was in it, or something very like it. Hoping that images of her parents might be there to offer comfort and support, Kira was startled to sense two balls of light glowing in the kitchen, blinding in their radiance. Kira flinched back at the same time as she felt a sense of… what? Warmth? Belonging? Security? Love? Awe? Frustration? Authority? All of those things. Was this how she “saw” her parents?
She was welcome here. She could feel that. This room was… home. The home she carried inside her wherever she went.
What else was here? Kira sought her own room, the place where she had always found refuge from the world, her sense of self drifting up the stairs until she found herself there. Her room did feel welcoming, but oddly bigger and smaller at the same time. Bigger as it had seemed when she was little. Smaller now that her world was so much larger. Her desk, her bed, her mirror, her window open but nothing visible beyond it. It felt good, peaceful, a refuge from everything, from all of the people who didn’t understand her and wanted to hurt her or use her.
Kira realized that she could close the door of this room and sink gently into stillness… into a place where nothing could reach her… a place where she would always be tranquil and at peace.
Into…
Some kind of coma? Locked inside herself? She jerked away, frightened. Her old room was both a mental refuge and a possible trap to be escaped. Kira willed herself out of there, finding herself in what felt like the hall outside.
The guest room. There was something in there as well. Kira went to it cautiously, the door dissolving as she reached it.
Inside, another warm, bright globe. She touched it, feeling Jason. He was here. Or was this him? No. It was the sense of him that she carried inside, the Jason that lived in her mind and her heart.
She spotted the thread running from the sphere, disappearing as it ran off toward Jason. That’s what was happening with the threads. They were a tie between the real person and the sense of that person held inside the Mage.
Cool.
Her parents were here, in a way. Jason was here, in a way. Kira suspected that if she kept searching she would find others, her many honorary aunts and uncles, Aunt Kath, Uncle Petr, Queen Sien, all those who filled her heart and her world. She felt certain that there would be rooms for them, that this house could hold as many rooms as she needed to hold everything she wanted to hold and had to hold.
Even this deep inside herself, she wasn’t alone. She never would be.
Kira paused as she passed another door, one that wasn’t in her real home, this one made of wooden timbers, heavy and dark, bound with iron straps. A chill breeze came from that door, and a sense of darkness. She stared at it, somehow knowing that on the other side lay the Northern Ramparts and a night when she had been down to three cartridges, bleeding from wounds, Jason close to dying by her side, and the Imperial legionaries preparing to attack again. She’d left that battlefield behind, but part of it would forever live in her.
Just as somewhere inside her mother the siege of Dorcastle also remained forever. And the death of Kira’s brother. And the day she met Kira’s father. And… some sense of Kira herself. Hopefully a warm, supportive sense, but Kira knew she’d sometimes been more like this dark, forbidding door toward her mother.
But not now. Surely her mother felt Kira’s love inside her along with the memories of more difficult times. What lay behind the doors didn’t change, but how she saw such things, how she remembered them, could change. Kira felt the loose cartridge in one hand, the one brought from that battlefield in the Northern Ramparts, and the door she now confronted seemed less foreboding. Not a place she wanted to go back to, but also one that held something she wouldn’t want to lose.
This was her house, within her. How she saw it, felt it, how she let it affect her, was at least partly within her own power. Reassured, confident, Kira knew it was
time.
She found herself in the main room, facing the door to the basement. But, no, not the basement. That was for things she never wanted to confront. This door led somewhere else, to a room that she hadn’t known existed even while always being aware of it.
Kira willed herself to the door, fighting fear, feeling the fear reflected back at her and trying to dampen it. It’s all right. This is me. It’s time to take a look at this part of me. Which hasn’t been trying to hurt me, hasn’t been trying to take over, but in its own clumsy way is trying to protect me. And protect Jason.
There was a wariness behind the door, a worry about her own intentions. Kira could tell it was waiting for another attack. She tried to center herself on reassurance, on calm, but the door stayed locked. It reminded her of something, and as she saw the dark glimmer of armor on the door Kira realized it was like the door to the armored carriage. The door that had felt intolerable as long as she thought she couldn’t open it.
Kira relaxed herself again, and instead of pushing on the door imagined it as having no locks, no latches, no way to seal it, able to swing open or closed without hindrance. You can come out. Anytime you want to. You don’t have to let me in. But I’d like to. Is it all right?
How many times did she repeat that plea? How much time passed? But suddenly the door that had fought her, that had felt like an impenetrable barrier, swung open easily.
The door let into a room whose dimensions felt uncertain. Large windows faced her, but were covered by curtains. Kira reached for a curtain and paused, somehow sure that the view out of the windows would be something that she shouldn’t see.
A Mage’s view? Was that what the curtained windows symbolized? Something part of her could see but the rest shouldn’t look upon?
Shelves of books lined the room on either side. Kira bent to look, but the titles were impossible to read. Perhaps that represented knowledge inside her, but not something she should consciously examine.
She suddenly noticed a mirror in the center of the room. Or was it a mirror? An image of herself floated there, looking back at Kira. The other Kira wore Mage robes. She was worried, defiant, ready to fight if necessary. Why are you hurting me? It hadn’t been an echo. It had been this Kira. This part of her. Trapped in the place where Kira had tried to imprison her, feeling in danger as Kira vowed to destroy her, fighting back when Kira attacked. Kira finally understood her, and why this part of her had done what she had. It’s all right. I’m sorry. I accept you. I’m not going to attack again. She reached to that image, but it only gazed back, suspicious.
Kira looked down at her hands, trying to work out how to reach that part of herself, to convince her, and saw the loose cartridge in them. The one that spoke of hope, of perseverance, of love. It wasn’t really here, she knew, but even here its image represented those things.
She reached for that other image with the cartridge in her open palm. I’m sorry. I was afraid, and I tried to hurt what I didn’t understand. I won’t do that again.
The image of herself watched her, the suspicion fading to wariness. After a time that Kira couldn’t measure, that other her reached out in return until their hands touched, their palms coming together, the image of the cartridge and all it represented enclosed within them. And then there was only her, and this room was as much a part of her as the rest of the house.
There was no more need for barriers. She could hide her Mage presence, but the powers themselves, swollen by the need to protect themselves against her, were already subsiding, content to be here as long as they were safe and knew the door was not that of a prison.
I have to know I can open the door whenever I want. Just like in the armored coach. And like at home, when she had tried the invisibility spell and then tried to run, that part of her tied to her Mage powers fearing confinement and seeking freedom.
Kira stepped out of the house, feeling the darkness around it filled with an infinity of other memories and metaphors, the sense of herself. But there was no turmoil now, no pain of clashing selves battling for dominance or survival. There was only her.
She felt herself serenely, quietly, at peace inside as she began rising upwards, through the layers of thought that lay between her and the world.
Kira slowly opened her eyes, startled by how vibrant the world appeared. Every color seemed brighter, every object sharper and more clearly defined. She stared at the blades of grass and the fallen leaves on the ground as if seeing such things for the first time. She was fully herself, yet also felt connected to everything around her in ways she had never experienced.
The shadows under the trees had moved. She must have been inside herself for at least an hour.
Kira felt the sense of power here wash around her, as if her Mage senses were also more sensitive now. Tremendous amounts of power filling the air and the ground. Her skin tingled just as if static electricity were playing along it.
“Kira?”
She turned her head, seeing Jason standing not far away, his anxious gaze on her. Kira smiled at the sight of him, smiling wider as she saw how brightly the thread between them glowed even in the full light of the sun. “Hi.”
He smiled back, worry still riding the expression. “Are you okay? Did it work?”
She pondered the question as she looked at him. “Yes.” Jason. Standing there. Watching. Listening. Protecting. Caring. The warm, bright presence she had felt inside was still there. He had chosen to be hers, and had stayed with her through the worst crisis she had ever endured. “My hero.”
And she knew what she wanted, all fears and doubts gone.
Kira got up, moving carefully as she left her meditation stance. Once on her feet, she put the loose cartridge back in her pocket, then walked to him and without another word kissed him, pressing herself against Jason.
To her surprise, Jason suddenly broke the kiss, grasping her hands to restrain them. She looked at him, still feeling very calm and centered but also perplexed. “You do know what I want to do, right?” Kira asked.
“Yeah,” he said, breathing hard, “I know.”
“Then why are you stopping me?”
“You know why. Who am I talking to, Kira? Who wants to do this? Can you really say yes?”
She smiled at him. “What a man I have.” She kissed him once more, lightly, then met his eyes with her own gaze. “I’m myself, Jason. I’m fully here, and I know what I’m doing.”
He looked back at her, still worried. “I wish I could be sure.”
She thought about her actions over the last several weeks and understood Jason’s hesitation. He was rightly concerned about betraying her trust. Betraying… a promise.
There was the answer. Kira looked at the forest around her, then back at Jason, certain that this also was right, that it was time, and that this was a good place. “I told you that there’s something I know when fully myself, something I’m sure of, something we’ve both already agreed to, something lasting. Proof that I am here, and proof that I want to be with you. If you still want that after everything I’ve put you through, tell me this. Do you want to get married today?”
He studied her eyes with his, nodding. “Yes.”
“All right. We will. I, Kira of Dematr, freely and without reservation promise myself to you, Jason of Urth. I promise to always stand beside you, and to never betray my promise to you by word or by deed, as long as our bond shall last.”
He stared at her, momentarily wordless.
“You need to say the same thing to me,” Kira prodded. “If you still want to.”
Jason nodded quickly, his eyes fixed on hers. “Of course I still want to. The same thing? I, uh, Jason of Earth, uh… ”
“Freely and without reservation… ”
“Freely and without reservation promise myself to you, Kira of Dematr. I promise to, uh, always stand beside you, and, um… ”
“To never betray my promise to you… ” Kira prompted.
“To never betray my promise to you… by word or by d
eed… ”
“As long as our bond shall last.”
“As long as our bond shall last.” Jason stared at her as if unable to believe what was happening. “Is that it?”
“Yes,” Kira said. “That’s it. Now kiss your wife.” She brought her lips against his again, and this time neither Kira nor Jason stopped the other.
* * *
Afterwards, they lay side by side, Kira resting one hand on his chest where she could feel his heart beating. “If you are different,” she murmured, “it’s in a good way.”
“What?”
“Nothing. Just thinking out loud. You were right. We figured it out together. Both of us just had to be where we needed to be.”
“We’re really married?” Jason asked.
“Why are you asking?” she teased.
“I’m kind of curious. Not unhappy. Not at all. Just curious.”
“Yes, and no. But yes in the way that matters,” Kira explained. “Technically, we still have to get an official license, the papers, and repeat our promises in front of witnesses. But just about everybody agrees that what really matters is the speaking of the promises to each other. And we’ve done that. So, yes, we’re married. Not that we can go around telling everybody and wearing promise rings until we do it again officially with the witnesses. Too many of our friends want to be there for that.”
“Yeah. Like Alli and Calu. Hey, if that’s what it takes to be married, why’d your mother have to rush through that marriage thing with your father in Caer Lyn?”
“She needed that paper,” Kira said. “Mother wanted proof in her hands that she and Father were married. Because a Mechanic and a Mage getting married is still unusual, but back then it was so bizarre that no one would believe it unless she and Father were standing there saying it, and if one or both of them had died they couldn’t have done that. But the paper would still have proved to everyone that they were really married. She’d decided that if she died, she wanted it to be as the promised partner of Father, and she wanted to be sure everyone knew that. So she ended up marrying him in so much haste that she couldn’t explain what was going on until it was over, even though she’d always thought that she was one person who’d never get married in a rush!” Kira laughed.