“The girl has a point,” Alli said.
“The girl,” Mari said, “is still seventeen. And there are… medical concerns.”
“Kira’s expecting, too?”
“Aunt Alli!”
“I take it the answer is no,” Alli said. “What medical concerns?”
“It’s up to Kira whether she wants those discussed,” Mari said. Her mother looked at Kira.
Kira almost quailed before the focus on her, but steeled herself. “I’ve been having some blackouts,” she said in as calm a voice as she could manage. “We don’t know why. The Mage powers may be involved… are involved. Dr. Sino is going to be looking at me later.”
“How dangerous is this?” Master Mechanic Lukas asked, his concern for Kira obvious.
“We don’t know,” Mari replied. “Hopefully Doctor Sino can tell us. If it turns out to be dangerous-”
“It doesn’t matter,” Kira insisted. “I’m the daughter of the daughter, and I will not sit home safe while my man faces danger. I will be with him.” She turned a stubborn gaze on her mother, who glared back just as stubbornly.
“Perhaps,” Kira’s father said in the manner of someone who had witnessed many such stand-offs in the past between his wife and his daughter, “whatever Doctor Sino tells us will resolve the disagreement.”
* * *
Queen Sien didn’t have a palace in Pacta Servanda. What she had was an old building that had been her home and her headquarters during the dark days when what was then a fortified town had been the last portion of Tiae in which the kingdom still existed. The sole surviving member of the royal family, Sien had been leading Tiae’s last stand against the chaos that had swallowed the rest of the broken kingdom. Kira had never been able to visit this building without thinking about how her mother and father had arrived in Tiae with their first followers and given hope to Tiae while also beginning the revolution against the Great Guilds.
The room set aside for Doctor Sino to examine her had a plaque on the door announcing that it had been the bedroom and office of The Daughter of Jules in those days. Kira couldn’t help wondering if that signified any special meaning for her.
Dr. Peggy Sino, who’d been left on Dematr by the same ship that Jason had come on, smiled at her. “How are you, Kira?”
“I was hoping you could tell me how I am. That maybe some of your equipment from Urth could find the problem.”
“We’ll see!”
“How’s your horse Twilight?”
“She’s almost as happy as I am.” Doctor Sino smiled again. “I never thought I’d have a horse. They can’t keep them on orbital habitats, you know.”
“No, I didn’t. You’re not having any trouble with her?”
“Oh, Twilight has a mind of her own! Horses are like that, aren’t they? Now stop trying to distract me, Kira. Please, sit down and relax.”
Kira took a seat in the indicated chair, trying to will herself into a calm state. But every time Doctor Sino did anything Kira found herself jerking nervously.
Sino took some of her devices, small things whose technology was far beyond that still available on Dematr, and moved them around Kira’s head while asking her to think about various feelings or events or people. Having to summon up memories of the fight in the Northern Ramparts was particularly unnerving, but Kira did her best.
“What about a spell, Kira?” Sino finally asked. “Can you try to do a spell for me?”
“I… ” Kira swallowed and tried again. “I’d rather not. The last time I tried one I… tried to escape.”
“Escape?” Doctor Sino pursed her lips in thought. “Can you go part way to a spell? Start preparing yourself but not go through with it?”
“I can try. Ummm, making something go away. The corner of that table,” Kira said, pointing. “That’s hardest for me, so I should be able to stop myself.” She composed herself, trying to summon up the belief that all was an illusion, feeling for the power available in this place, willing herself toward the state in which the spell should occur… and abruptly pulled back, breathing heavily, her heart pounding. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to do any more.”
“That’s all right, Kira.” Sino pulled over a chair and sat down before Kira. “Tell me about the blackouts. Everything you can.”
* * *
“Come on in,” Sino urged those waiting outside.
Kira, feeling miserable, her stomach churning with anxiety, jumped to her feet as Queen Sien entered along with her parents. “Why is Queen Sien here?”
“You’re under eighteen,” Doctor Sino said, “so by the laws of this world your parents need to be here.”
“Queen Sien isn’t my parent. She isn’t my queen. Not anymore. Never was.”
“I will leave,” Sien said, turning to go.
“No!“ Kira looked at Sien, who was still wearing the same Lancer uniform that Kira had once taken pride in, feeling tears start. “I meant that oath of allegiance. I meant it with all my heart. But you cancelled it out, and I didn’t even know.”
“I’m sorry, Kira,” Sien said. “I made a big mistake there. I should have let the oath stand until you had to be freed from it.”
“I wanted you to be my queen. I was proud that you were my queen. But… “
“But I cast that loyalty aside?” Sien asked. “I did not, Kira. I swear to you that I always knew, as I know today, that I could have no truer friend aside from your mother and father. All I cast aside was your obligation to be a loyal friend. Because I knew I would never need that obligation. I’m here today because I care very deeply for you. Not because you are my subject, but because of who you are. But I will not remain if-”
Kira blinked away tears, rubbing at her eyes. “Please stay.”
“All right.” Sien sat down.
“What about Jason?” Kira said, looking around. “Isn’t Jason coming in?”
“We didn’t know whether you wanted him here,” her mother said gently.
“He needs to be here. Jason needs to know. He has a right to know. Whatever’s wrong with me.”
Her father got up, stepping outside the room, and brought back Jason. Jason sat down as well, staring at Kira with a worried expression.
Without really thinking about it, her hand went into her pocket and grasped the loose cartridge, her thumb rubbing the tip as Kira waited nervously.
Doctor Sino looked around with a gentle smile. “We’re all okay, then. Here’s the good and the bad news, Kira. I can’t find anything.”
“There’s nothing wrong?” Kira blurted out.
“No, I think it’s pretty clear that there’s something wrong. But I can’t find it.” Sino pointed to Kira’s head. “We figured out a while back that the electrical impulses we can track inside a human brain are just the surface activity. There’s a lot of other stuff going on beneath that. Some people say that’s the soul down there playing with quantum foam. I don’t know about that, but a lot of things happen down deep. That means monitoring the brain impulses can be like trying to diagnose a stomach ailment by looking at your abdomen.”
Kira’s mother leaned forward. “What about the blackouts?”
“Something caused that,” Sino agreed. “There’s a problem. But it’s not a problem within the physical parts of the brain I can examine. The equipment that I have with me can’t look down beneath that. Further complicating the problem is that it appears to be related to the Mage powers, which my equipment can only pick up traces of. If you did a spell in front of me, I might be able to see more, but I understand Kira’s reluctance to try that.”
“If the powers are the problem,” Kira said, “then as long as I keep them suppressed doesn’t that solve the problem?”
Doctor Sino shook her head. “It might control things, like putting a bandage on a wound to stop bleeding. But, if there’s an infection and all you do is slap a bandage on, you’re covering up something that’s going to fester and get worse.”
“You don’t know that, though.”
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“No, I don’t,” Sino admitted. “Whatever this is very likely doesn’t match any neurological disorder known to my science. Maybe you’re doing what you need to do. But if you have the slightest sign that those problems are still there you need to let people know. Does this world have the concept of disassociative personality disorders? What sometimes is called multiple personalities?”
“No,” Mari answered. “Do you think that’s behind Kira’s problem?”
Sino made a face. “Even now there’s considerable debate as to the nature of that disorder, and even whether it’s real. Kira’s inability to remember anything when she’s employing her Mage powers is consistent with that kind of ailment, but there’s something important about what she does during those blackouts. Or rather what she doesn’t do.”
“I don’t understand,” Kira said.
“There have been three blackouts,” Sino said, looking from Kira to her parents. “In the first, you escaped from the room where you were imprisoned and incapacitated two guards. Kira, could you have killed those guards instead of merely knocking them out?”
“One was bleeding,” Kira said. “I’d stabbed him.”
“But not a fatal injury. You had a dagger, you said. How hard would it have been for you to kill both of them with a stab in the right place?”
Kira shook her head. “Doctor Sino, I don’t kill unless I absolutely have to. And I wish I never had to.”
Sino nodded. “So you didn’t kill them?”
“I don’t remember any of it. If you’re asking could I have killed them, the answer is yes,” Kira said. “I know how to strike the right blows in the right places.”
“Exactly. The second blackout came when you needed to hide from Imperial searchers. You became impossible to see. You led Jason to safety.”
“Yes, and then I stared at him like… ”
Jason spoke up, his voice subdued. “Like I was someone you could never have.”
“As if he was unattainable to you,” Sino said to Kira. “You didn’t attack him, though. You didn’t abandon him. You didn’t do anything except look at him. Then the third blackout. You became invisible, tried to exit one door that your father blocked, then tried to exit the other door that your mother blocked. Kira, if you wanted to, could you have gotten past either one of your parents?”
“What do you mean?” Kira asked. “They were standing in the doorways.”
“Could you have attacked them and forced your way out either of those doors?”
Kira stared at Sino. “I don’t… Physically attacking my parents? Doctor Sino, I’ve never even thought about doing that.”
“If you had, could you have gotten past one of them?”
“Maybe,” Kira said. “I guess. It wouldn’t be easy, but if I surprised them I might’ve been able to.”
“But you didn’t even try, did you?”
“No! I wouldn’t do that!”
Sino smiled. “That’s my point, Kira. When you’ve been blacked out, you haven’t done anything that you wouldn’t normally do. You didn’t kill either of those guards. You didn’t abandon Jason or attack him for being unattainable, if that is indeed what you were thinking while blacked out. And you didn’t even try to physically get past your mother or your father. That’s important. Even when blacked out, you’re still Kira. In the first two blackouts you did exactly what you needed to do with the spells, and apparently nothing else. Your other actions while blacked out are what you would have done while aware of your actions. That’s right, isn’t it?”
“Yes,” Kira said. “Except the unattainable thing. And trying to run away.”
“Those may represent something else. Kira, whatever is happening is not causing you to be a different person, a different personality. You’re still you, doing what you would do. You’re just not aware of it.”
“But why aren’t I aware of it?”
“I don’t know,” Sino admitted. “Kira, what’s in your pocket?”
“My pocket?”
“There’s something there that you seem to grasp harder whenever you’re particularly tense.”
Kira saw the others watching her and sighed in surrender. She brought her hand out, showing the object grasped in it.
“A cartridge?” her mother asked. “Why do you have a bullet in your pocket?”
“It’s a special one,” Kira said, finding it easier to explain as she went on. “When Jason and I were fighting the legionaries, and… we were down. to three shots. That’s all I had left. I knew I couldn’t stop the next attack. This one was the last of the cartridges in my pistol. This one,” she repeated, holding it up.
Mari nodded, her eyes on Kira’s.
“So, I… ” Kira swallowed, looking down. “Knowing that Jason would be killed by the Imperials, I was going to use the third shot, my last one, this one, to kill myself.” She paused, hearing the deep, deep silence that followed her words. “I didn’t want to face being captured again, and losing Jason.”
“But the Alexdrian Lancers arrived in time,” her mother said, her voice soft and full of pain for what might have been.
“No, Mother, that’s not why I didn’t use it,” Kira insisted, looking at her mother. “Jason convinced me to promise not to. Not to kill myself. To keep fighting even if I got captured again, to stay alive and keep trying no matter what. I would have kept that promise! He said… he told me that a world with me in it was much better than one without me.” She held up the unfired cartridge again. “That’s what this is. Not the bullet that I would have used to kill myself. It’s the bullet that represents my promise to keep fighting and never give up. Because there’s always hope, and because Jason loves me, and so do you guys. And… and it reminds me what Jason said, that having me here makes the world better, even when it doesn’t feel like that to me.”
Her mother sighed, then reached over to hug Jason. “You’re still planning on marrying this guy, right?”
“If he’s still interested in a walking mess like me.”
“Yeah,” Jason said, looking down, embarrassed. “I just hope I don’t wake up before then.”
“Wake up?” Doctor Sino asked.
“I’ve got to be dreaming all of this.”
“Jason,” Sino said, looking at him intently. “I know you feel very fortunate to have come to this world. You’ve told me that coming here was very important for you, and I’ve seen the proof of that. But maybe you didn’t come to this world for you. Maybe you came here for Kira.” She sighed. “I’m sorry I can’t offer you any more than I have, Kira. Are you resting well? How’s the post trauma?”
“I don’t wake up screaming very often,” Kira said with a smile at Jason.
“And we’re talking,” Mari said.
“That’s good. For both of you! Your healers have some pills and teas made from herbs and other things, for easing tension and aiding sleep. Those contain some natural components which actually are pretty effective.”
“I don’t need drugs,” Kira said.
“Kira-“ her mother began.
“Maxim tried to drug me, Mother!”
“Drugs are a tool,” Doctor Sino said in a calming voice. “They can be used for good or for ill. I don’t think anyone in here wants to do you harm, Kira.”
“But-“
“Kira, one of your healers could approach you with something that is a knife, and cut into your body. They’d be doing that to help you. It’s not the same as using that knife to try to harm you. Knives, like drugs, are tools. No one here would use either if they thought it would hurt you.”
Kira sighed. “I know. I’m sorry.”
“Considering what you’ve been through, you have nothing to apologize for. Be careful when trying to employ those Mage powers until we learn more.”
“I’m not going to use them again, Doctor Sino,” Kira said. “It’s too dangerous.”
“Is it?” Doctor Sino looked at everyone before focusing back on Kira. “Kira, twice when you blacked out you d
id something very important, and did not do anything you would regret. If an emergency arises, one where your Mage powers could once again make a positive difference, I would urge you to keep that in mind.”
* * *
Mari sat in a familiar chair in a familiar room in a very old building, looking at her friend Sien seated nearby. The sounds of the city outside came only faintly through the closed window. Except for those noises of busy commerce and normal life, it might have been twenty years ago when the sounds of the besieged town were those of war and hardship. “Sometimes,” Mari said, “it feels like everything was yesterday, that the first time you and I sat here and talked was just last night. Other times it feels like so long ago in a different world.”
“The world is different,” Sien replied. “You made it different.”
Mari felt the old sense of rejection of the idea that she was somehow special. “I couldn’t have done anything without friends like you.”
“Nonetheless, you’re the daughter of Jules,” Sien said, eying Mari. “And speaking of daughters… ”
“Sien, how can I let her go?” Mari felt a tightness inside that seemed to hold more to it than just this one decision. “Kira is still all that Alain and I have. You know how dangerous the world is for her.”
“Kira knows how dangerous that world is,” Sien said, sitting back in her chair. “She’s experienced it. And she doesn’t want her man facing those dangers alone. Can you blame her?”
“No,” Mari said, still fighting that tension inside her.
“What would you have wanted your parents to tell you?”
“My parents?” Mari laughed at the memories that question brought up. “My mother and father saw me taken from them by the Mechanics Guild as a little girl, and more than ten years later the daughter of Jules showed up at their doorstep with a Mage in tow who she planned to marry. My mother was smart enough to step out of the way of the avalanche that was me. My father tried to get control of it, and that didn’t work at all.”
She sighed, looking at her old friend, the Queen of Tiae. “You’re trying to tell me that Kira is also an avalanche, right? That she’s going to go where she needs to go, and trying to stand in her way would be foolish? Sien… ” Mari couldn’t speak for a moment as emotion choked her. “Letting go is so hard,” she finally whispered, feeling tears threatening. “Seeing her go, knowing I’m going to become less and less in her life, being oh so proud of who she is and who she’s becoming, but also so scared of what might happen. I swear, I’d rather refight the siege of Dorcastle than see her hurt.”