Matt was coming over to my house to take care of my virginity problem. I convinced my dad to take my mom out for dinner. It was a huge step and it needed to be done but the closer five-thirty came, the more nervous I felt.
Why does this feel like a mission? I should be sharing this with someone I love, right? I shook my head at the girly indecisiveness trying to rear its head. That’s not the way it works, Alissa. Stop thinking so much about it. It’s not like it’s a big deal.
Matt had been with only one other girl, or so he said. He dated some girl his sophomore and junior year until he blew out his knee. I wasn’t worried about him comparing us in bed because I had studied enough sex scenes online and in movies to have more than a good idea of what I was doing. I was self-conscious about my breast size, though. Push-up bras made them look bigger and although he had felt them up before, he hadn't seen me naked.
The doorbell echoed throughout the house. I looked around my room one last time, hoping my lights were dim enough. I’d decided earlier not to dress up for the occasion, knowing my clothes would soon be off.
I opened the door, greeting him with a smile. “Hey.” I had no idea what to say to my boyfriend that came over so we could have sex.
“Hey,” he replied, pulling me in for a hug. “Let’s go upstairs,” he whispered in my ear and then moved his lips to my neck, leaving little kisses.
One of the things I loved about Matt was how gentle he was when we made out. He never pushed himself on me and always made me feel loved, but my nerves were getting the better of me and I wanted to get this over with before I changed my mind.
We held hands walking up the stairs. He smacked my butt playfully with his other hand, making me squeal. I shut my bedroom door, taking a deep breath as Matt turned me around, passion burning in his eyes.
I started taking my own clothes off as we kissed, but he stopped me after I took my shirt and bra off and began unzipping my pants.
“Let me do that,” Matt whispered.
“Hurry up and take your clothes off.” I was getting tense thinking about how much it could hurt.
“I want to enjoy this, Alissa. I want both of us to enjoy this.” He pressed up against me, kissing me deeply and I could feel his erection against my stomach.
I lifted his shirt over his head and threw it on the floor, pausing. His muscles were so well-defined that I had to take a second to appreciate them. I reached out and ran my fingertips lightly against his skin, down to his waistline, feeling the rises and indents of his musculature as my hand traversed his torso. I couldn't get the button on his pants undone, so he reached down and did it for me but I stopped him from pulling the zipper down. I wanted to see what was under there and as I dragged the zipper lower, the tip of his cock peeked out.
“No underwear, eh,” I teased.
“I only wear them when I'm working out.” He reached down to unzip my pants.
I wrapped my hand around his length and the skin was so soft, my hand easily glided up and down. He pulled me closer, opening his mouth against my neck to kiss me there again. His hand cupped my breast and he brought his mouth down to suck on my nipple. I felt a corresponding throb between my legs and his cock got so hard in my fist that I knew we were both ready.
He reached his hand down between my legs. His middle finger easily glided over the wetness between my folds. I held on to his arms as his finger moved around in circles against my clit.
“I love how wet I make you,” he said, smiling down at me.
Matt pulled my bedspread off and laid me down on the bed slowly and positioned himself between my thighs. He handed me a condom and said, “I want you to put it on.” I opened the wrapper and then looked back up at Matt. “I don't have a clue how this thing works.” We both giggled but tried to stay quiet. I watched him roll it over the head of his cock. Hovering over me, he looked like he wanted to say something and I nodded “yes” assuming he was worried I wasn't ready.
He eased himself in slowly, but it hurt so bad that my hips jerked back away from his a couple of times. When he was in all the way, he paused to kiss me and said, “I love you so much.” Without waiting for my reply, he pulled out a little and I held my breath as he eased himself back in all the way. He did that a couple more times and my muscles began to relax. I raised my arms over my head and he brought his mouth down over my nipple, sucking and licking.
I lifted my hips and felt his cock rub up against a part of me that felt amazing. “Oh my…” I whispered.
His face scrunched up and I felt his cock throb inside of me. He laid still for what felt like forever before pulling out and rolling on his side.
I stared at the ceiling. Just when it had started to feel good, it was over.
“How do you feel?” He looked concerned as I kept my eyes on the ceiling. I’d hoped he couldn’t tell how disappointed I was.
“It hurt a lot, but then it didn't.” I wanted to stretch out my aching muscles.
“No, I mean about me telling you that I love you?” He bit his lip waiting for me to reply.
I don’t think I love him but if I don’t say it back, I’ll hurt his feelings. I smiled and touched his chest over his heart. “I love you, too.”
He kissed my cheek. “I'm going to grab a towel. Just stay there and I'll bring you one.”
I glanced down between my legs and saw a mess of blood.
Gross! I hope it isn't like this every time.
~*~
Matt left my house not long after he helped me clean up. He kept trying to cuddle so I used the excuse that I didn't want to risk my parents coming home and catching him in my room when really all I wanted was to get away from Matt. I felt smothered.
He asked me a million times if I felt okay or if he’d hurt me. Even after he left, I received a couple of texts asking me the same questions. I finally just answered, “Yes, I’m fine.” I didn't want to stay home so I jumped in my car and drove to Kat's after throwing my sheets in the washer.
I was relieved when I didn't see her mom's car in the driveway. I tried letting myself in but the front door was locked, which meant she was either in the shower or taking a nap. I knocked and rang the doorbell at the same time. It didn't take long for her to open the door.
“Really? You trying to be a one-woman band?” Kat had her phone up to her ear. “Jamison, I'm going to have to call you back.” She pressed the end button and threw her phone on the couch, an annoyed expression crossing her face.
“I didn't mean to interrupt. I just really needed to talk to you.” I knew I sounded a little too panicky, but I wanted her full attention.
“Where is your jacket?” She looked at me like I was crazy.
“In the car, why?” She pointed out the window and I realized it was snowing. It was falling lightly, but I hadn't noticed on the way over. I must be really out of it. I turned back to face her with a huge smile on my face and couldn’t stop myself from blurting out, “I just had sex.”
Kat pulled me into a hug and held on, squeezing me. “Holy shit, how do you feel?” she squealed.
“I feel like I had a cock in between my legs that made me bleed.” I wish I could have said something more meaningful, but I was frustrated. Matt had been so sweet and gentle but I couldn’t help but feel cheated. “It lasted less than five minutes and just when I felt like what movies make you think it is going to feel like, he was done.”
She just shook her head. “I tried to tell you it would suck the first time.”
I rolled my eyes and slumped against the back of the couch. “Oh, how would you know? Have you even kissed Jamison yet?” They had been talking every day since she’d gotten the nerve to ask for his phone number a week after he had been at school.
She rolled her eyes. “We’ve only been talking a week. And I know because mom warned me that it probably won't be great until I get older and find a man with real experience, which means the same applies to you.” I knew she was right, but I had hoped it would have lasted longer. “I don't
want details, but I highly suggest taking a bath. That’s what they suggested in that magazine I read.” She took my hand and led me into the bathroom. Kat was already wearing pajamas so when she handed me a pair, I didn't feel weird putting them on just a little after sunset.
The bath did feel good and I waited until the water turned cold before I got out. I could hear Kat laughing on the phone and had a feeling things were going well with the new boy. I dried off, got dressed and headed into the kitchen. Her mom always brought home pizza, so there were usually mounds of leftovers.
Kat joined me at the table and grabbed her own slice. “Do you feel better?”
I nodded. “The bath was a good idea. I didn’t know how bad my muscles would end up hurting.” I rubbed my inner thigh, still feeling the sting.
“Don’t give me romance novel details or anything, but was there screaming and moaning of names?” She winked at me and stuffed half the slice in her mouth.
“It wasn’t even good enough for a couple of breathy moans.” I shrugged it off.
“Jamison and I went out for coffee yesterday and we had a great conversation. Well, we always have great conversations, but I noticed he looked at his phone a lot. I asked him if he was expecting a call and he just brushed it off like he was checking the time or something. Then at the end when he was walking with me back to the apartment, his phone rang and he answered it and I swear I heard a girl on the other end. He asked her if he could call her back and said he was in a meeting. I don't know why he didn't just say he was out with a friend. So, I looked at him funny, but he didn't elaborate. He dropped me off in front of my door and as he was walking towards his car, he was back on the phone.”
“Have you asked him if he has a girlfriend?”
“Why should I have to ask him? Isn't that something that people generally share? Especially when we spend so much time talking?” She threw her crust on her plate.
“He's a guy, Kat. They don't share anything they don't want to unless you make them.” Mmm, this pizza is good. Sex made me hungry. So weird that I can say that now. I had sex.
~*~
A couple of days after I gave up my virginity, I felt different, more confident and definitely more empowered. Matt and I skipped out on our Thursday night workout with Scott because he wanted to spend alone time with me to talk. I didn't really want to talk, so I distracted him with kisses. We had sex again in my room while my parents were out to dinner. He probably only lasted six minutes and I still didn’t have an orgasm. I began to wonder if I would ever have one with him.
I also decided to skip the Friday night meeting so I could enjoy some me time. Honestly, I needed a break from Matt's constant attention and phone calls. I made him promise not to text me during the meeting. That's why I rolled my eyes when I heard my text alert go off. Kat was going to the movies with Jamison, so I figured it could only be Matt.
Number unknown: Why are you not here at the meeting?
I didn’t recognize the number and was not in the mood to play games.
Alissa: Who is this?
Scott: Scott. Where are you?
Alissa: How did you get my number?
Scott: I've had your number, just never needed to use it before.
Alissa: I needed a night off. Am I missing something important?
Scott: Seeing me.
Oh my gosh, play it cool, Alissa.
Alissa: Don't flatter yourself.
Scott: Well, you are missed.
Alissa: I doubt that.
Scott: Send me a picture so I can look at you.
Alissa: I just had sex for the first time with my boyfriend so I don't think sending you a picture would be appropriate.
Why did I just say that? I wanted to rub it in his face the minute it happened, but I couldn't figure out why. There was something about him that drew me in and I was having more trouble fighting the need to be around him. Especially now that I wasn’t afraid of sex.
Scott: Trying to make me jealous? I'm sitting here looking at Matt, thinking it would be fun if his girlfriend sent me a picture. Our secret.
Alissa: What makes you think I won't tell him?
Scott: If you were going to tell him, you would have stopped coming to the gym and told him about our last conversation.
I knew he was testing me, but why was he still flirting with me, and why was I smiling? I was supposed to love Matt, but Scott was right. It was fun flirting, knowing Matt wouldn’t have a clue. It was just harmless flirting, anyway.
Alissa: I'll send you one if you send me one.
Scott: I'm at a meeting and you're teasing me.
I knew how bad it would be to send him a picture, but I walked into the bathroom and took one anyway. I left my head out of the picture just in case someone else saw. I took my shirt off, leaving me in only my black bra. When I hit the send button, I giggled to myself. He hadn’t specified what type of picture and I liked that he thought I was a tease.
Scott: You have no idea what you do to me. Make sure you erase these texts. Goodnight beautiful.
He thinks I'm beautiful?
I laid in bed for hours before I finally fell asleep, thinking about how badly I wanted to talk to him. Scott, not Matt, was in my dreams that night.
Chapter 12
Katherine
“Did you like the movie?” Jamison asked me on our way back to my apartment. He’d taken me on our first movie date. We held hands towards the end of the movie after I’d shamelessly kept my palm up on the arm-rest separating our seats, hoping he would get the hint.
“It was okay. Not the type of movie I usually watch.” I tried not to sound disappointed, but I swore to myself that I would never watch another movie with the word “die” in the title.
He laughed. We didn’t have any trouble talking on the phone but in person, it seemed a little awkward. We pulled up to the apartments and I was glad my mom was home. I didn’t want the pressure of inviting him in. I really liked him, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that he was hiding something.
“Can I walk you to the door?” He turned the car off and looked over to me for a response.
“No, it’s fine. It’s only a couple of feet away.” I smiled at him as he was looking down at his phone. “I know this sounds weird, but do you have a girlfriend?”
His head snapped up with surprise. “What makes you think that?” He shut his phone off and gave me his full attention.
I waved it off, embarrassed that I’d even asked him. He leaned over and before I knew it, his lips were covering mine. He tasted like buttered popcorn. The kiss started with a couple of pecks, but then he parted my lips with his tongue. I tried not to laugh, but I giggled softly. I had never kissed a boy before with my tongue and it felt a little weird.
“Is something wrong?” he asked in response to my little giggle.
I knew I was turning all shades of red and felt mortified. “No, nothing’s wrong. I’m sorry, I wasn’t expecting a kiss.”
He shook his head and smiled at me. “You’re so cute when you blush.” He lifted my hand up to his lips and kissed my knuckles.
“Thank you for the movie,” I whispered.
“My pleasure.”
I got out and walked up to my door. Turning around, I waved goodbye. I watched him pull away before going inside.
He never actually gave me a straight answer about a girlfriend.
~*~
Winter break was a month away and the snow was beginning to fall more often. I’d actually written out a Christmas list for my mom this year, not having needed to before because all I’d wanted were books. I was trying to put more effort into my appearance, so I added clothes and some other girly things to my list. My mom seemed surprised and did a little dance because she now had an excuse to go shopping for scarves, shoes, and even hair clips.
I heard the front door open and Alissa yelled, “I'm here!”
“Can you make a pot of coffee before you come back here?” It was Saturday and my mom had to work, so
I’d invited Alissa over to watch a movie to pass the time before I went to dinner with Jamison.
Alissa walked into my room carrying two cups of coffee. Her dark hair was pulled up into a bun on top of her head and it looked beautiful. My best friend really was a knock out. “Thank you,” I said taking my cup.
“Do you ever wear anything other than pajamas?”
I looked down and shrugged. “Not when I'm home. It’s not like there's anyone around to care.”
“I can't believe you don't dress up for me,” she said sticking out her tongue.
“Oh baby, you know I look sexy in this old t-shirt.” I used my sultry voice while batting my eyelashes, but I’m sure I sounded more like an elephant. “Where's Matt? He’s been sticking to your side lately. Are you really that good in bed?”
“Yes, yes, I am. He's at his house studying, thank goodness. The guy is driving me crazy! Every time I turn around, there he is! I'm shocked he isn't coming by the school to try and eat lunch with us.”
“Well, once you gave the boy some lovin', he couldn’t help but want it all the time.”
“It would be sweet if it weren’t so irritating. I need space.” Alissa got out her phone and typed a quick text. A second later, her text alert went off. I watched her type a reply, smiling like a school girl.
“Am I right to assume that was Matt?” I asked giving her an inquisitive look. I had a feeling it wasn’t. Since Matt had been so clingy, Alissa's reactions to his attention had not been very lovey-dovey.
“No, it's just Scott. You know, my trainer?” she said while walking out of the living room toward my bedroom.
“Scott the trainer is making you smile like you just saw Justin Timberlake?”
“Shut up, that’s not what I look like.” She rolled her eyes at me and walked away, toward my bedroom. At that point, I knew I couldn't push the subject any farther because she wouldn't talk. I followed her instead.
“Oh, hey, I forgot to tell you Dillon is coming home for the holidays! He asked about you the other night and I told him I was sure you couldn't wait to see him.” Alissa started flipping through the clothing magazines I had sprawled out across my bed. I wasn't sure if she realized, but every couple pages she would stick her tongue out, take a deep breath and say “ugh” on the exhale. I really did love her.