CHAPTER III.
THE CZAR.--THE CZARINA.--A FEAST AT A RUSSIAN NOBLEMAN'S.
THE next day I dressed myself in my richest attire; and, according tomy appointment, went with as much state as I could command to theCzar's palace (if an exceedingly humble abode can deserve so proud anappellation). Although my mission was private, I was a little surprisedby the extreme simplicity and absence from pomp which the royalresidence presented. I was ushered for a few moments into a paltryante-chamber, in which were several models of ships, cannon, and houses;two or three indifferent portraits,--one of King William III., anotherof Lord Caermarthen. I was then at once admitted into the royalpresence.
There were only two persons in the room,--one a female, the other a man;no officers, no courtiers, no attendants, none of the insignia nor thewitnesses of majesty. The female was Catherine, the Czarina; the manwas the stranger I had met the day before--and Peter the Great. I wasa little startled at the identity of the Czar with my inquisitiveacquaintance. However, I put on as assured a countenance as I could.Indeed, I had spoken sufficiently well of the royal person to feel verylittle apprehension at having unconsciously paid so slight a respect tothe royal dignity.
"Ho! ho!" cried the Czar, as I reverently approached him; "I told youwe should meet soon!" and turning round, he presented me to her Majesty.That extraordinary woman received me very graciously: and, though I hadbeen a spectator of the most artificial and magnificent court inEurope, I must confess that I could detect nothing in the Czarina's aircalculated to betray her having been the servant of a Lutheran ministerand the wife of a Swedish dragoon; whether it was that greatness wasnatural to her, or whether (which was more probable) she was an instanceof the truth of Suckling's hackneyed thought, in "Brennoralt,"--"Successis a rare paint,--hides all the ugliness."
While I was making my salutations, the Czarina rose very quietly, andpresently, to my no small astonishment, brought me with her own handa tolerably large glass of raw brandy. There is nothing in the world Ihate so much as brandy; however, I swallowed the potation as if it hadbeen nectar, and made some fine speech about it, which the good Czarinadid not seem perfectly to understand. I then, after a few preliminaryobservations, entered upon my main business with the Czar. Her Majestysat at a little distance, but evidently listened very attentively tothe conversation. I could not but be struck with the singularly boldand strong sense of my royal host. There was no hope of deluding ormisleading him by diplomatic subterfuge. The only way by which thatwonderful man was ever misled was through his passions. His reasonconquered all errors but those of temperament. I turned the conversationas artfully as I could upon Sweden and Charles XII. "Hatred to onepower," thought I, "may produce love to another; and if it does, thechild will spring from a very vigorous parent." While I was on thissubject, I observed a most fearful convulsion come over the face of theCzar,--one so fearful that I involuntarily looked away. Fortunate wasit that I did so. Nothing ever enraged him more than being observed inthose constitutional contortions of countenance to which from his youthhe had been subjected.
After I had conversed with the Czar as long as I thought decorumpermitted, I rose to depart. He dismissed me very complaisantly. Ire-entered my fine equipage, and took the best of my way home.
Two or three days afterwards, the Czar ordered me to be invited toa grand dinner at Apraxin's. I went there, and so found myself inconversation with a droll little man, a Dutch Minister, and a greatfavourite with the Czar. The Admiral and his wife, before we sat down toeat, handed round to each of their company a glass of brandy on a plate.
"What an odious custom!" whispered the little Dutch Minister, smackinghis lips, however, with an air of tolerable content.
"Why," said I, prudently, "all countries have their customs. Somecenturies ago, a French traveller thought it horrible in us Englishmento eat raw oysters. But the English were in the right to eat oysters;and perhaps, by and by, so much does civilization increase, we shallthink the Russians in the right to drink brandy. But really [we had nowsat down to the entertainment], I am agreeably surprised here. Allthe guests are dressed like my own countrymen; a great decorum reignsaround. If it were a little less cold, I might fancy myself in London orin Paris."
"Wait," quoth the little Dutchman, with his mouth full of jelly broth,"wait till you hear them talk. What think you, now, that lady next me issaying?"
"I cannot guess: but she has the prettiest smile in the world; and thereis something at once so kind and so respectful in her manner that Ishould say she was either asking some great favour, or returning thanksfor one."
"Right," cried the little Minister, "I will interpret for you. She issaying to that old gentleman, 'Sir, I am extremely grateful--and maySaint Nicholas bless you for it--for your very great kindness in having,the day before yesterday, at your sumptuous entertainment, made me sodeliciously--drunk!'"
"You are witty, Monsieur," said I, smiling. "_Se non e vero e bentrovato_."
"By my soul, it is true," cried the Dutchman; "but, hush!--see, they aregoing to cut up that great pie."
I turned my eyes to the centre of the table, which was ornamented with ahuge pasty. Presently it was cut open, and out--walked a hideous littledwarf.
"Are they going to eat him?" said I.
"Ha! ha!" laughed the Dutchman. "No! this is a fashion of the Czar's,which the Admiral thinks it good policy to follow. See, it tickles thehebete Russians. They are quite merry on it."
"To be sure," said I; "practical jokes are the only witticisms savagesunderstand."
"Ay, and if it were not for such jokes now and then, the Czar wouldbe odious beyond measure; but dwarf pies and mock processions makehis subjects almost forgive him for having shortened their clothes andclipped their beards."
"The Czar is very fond of those mock processions?"
"Fond!" and the little man sank his voice into a whisper; "he is thesublimest buffoon that ever existed. I will tell you an instance--Do youlike these Hungary wines, by the by?--On the 9th of last June, theCzar carried me, and half-a-dozen more of the foreign ministers, to hispleasure-house (Peterhoff). Dinner, as usual, all drunk with Tokay, andfinished by a quart of brandy each, from her Majesty's own hand. Carriedoff to sleep,--some in the garden, some in the wood. Woke at four, stillin the clouds. Carried back to the pleasure-house, found the Czar there,made us a low bow, and gave us a hatchet apiece, with orders to followhim. Off we trudged, rolling about like ships in the Zuyder Zee, entereda wood, and were immediately set to work at cutting a road through it.Nice work for us of the _corps diplomatique_! And, by my soul, Sir, yousee that I am by no means a thin man! We had three hours of it, werecarried back, made drunk again, sent to bed, roused again in an hour,made drunk a third time; and, because we _could not_ be waked again,left in peace till eight the next morning. Invited to court tobreakfast; such headaches we had; longed for coffee; found nothing butbrandy; forced to drink; sick as dogs; sent to take an airing uponthe most damnable little horses, not worth a guilder, no bridlesnor saddles; bump--bump--bump we go, up and down before the Czar'swindow,--he and the Czarina looking at us. I do assure you I lost twostone by that ride,--two stone, Sir!--taken to dinner; drunk again, bythe Lord, all bundled on board a _torrenschute_; devil of a storm cameon; Czar took the rudder; Czarina on high benches in the cabin, whichwas full of water; waves beating; winds blowing; certain of beingdrowned; charming prospect!--tossed about for seven hours; driven intothe port of Cronsflot. Czar leaves us, saying, 'Too much of a jest,eh, gentlemen?' All got ashore wet as dog-fishes, made a fire, strippedstark naked (a Dutch ambassador stark naked,--think of it, Sir!),crept into some covers of sledges, and rose next morning with theague,--positive fact, Sir! Had the ague for two months. Saw the Czar inAugust; 'A charming excursion to my pleasure-house,' said his Majesty;'we must make another party there soon.'"
As the Dutchman delivered himself of the little history he was by nomeans forgetful of the Hungary wines; and as Bacchus and Venus have oldaffinity, he now began to grow eloquent
on the women.
"What think you of them yourself?" said he; "they have a rolling look,eh?"
"They have so," I answered: "but they all have black teeth; what's thereason?"
"They think it a beauty, and say white teeth are the sign of ablackamoor."
Here the Dutchman was accosted by some one else, and there was a pause.Dinner at last ceased; the guests did not sit long after dinner, and fora very good reason: the brandy bowl is a great enforcer of a prostrateposition! I had the satisfaction of seeing the company safely under thetable. The Dutchman went first, and, having dexterously manoeuvred anescape from utter oblivion for myself, I managed to find my way home,more edified than delighted by the character of a Russian entertainment.