"No!" She bent away when he tried to touch her; and stayed bent. One arm, branched and branching ten feet over him, pulled a web of shadow-across the grass.
"You ... !" was the word he tried; breath was all that came.
He looked up among the twigs of her ears. Leaves shucked from her eyebrows. Her mouth was a thick, twisted bole, as though some foot-wide branch had been lopped off by lightning. Her eyes-his mouth opened as he craned to see them-disappeared, first one, up there, then the other, way over there: scabby lids sealed.
He backed through stiff grass.
A leaf crashed his temple like a charred moth.
Rough fingers bludgeoning his lips, he stumbled, turned, ran to the road, glanced once more where the twisted trunk raked five branches at the moon, loped until he had to walk, walked-gasping-until he could think. Then he ran some more.
It is not that I have no past. Rather, it continually fragments on the terrible and vivid ephemera of now. In the long country, cut with rain, somehow there is nowhere to begin. Loping and limping in the ruts, it would be easier not to think about what she did (was done to her, done to her, done), trying instead to reconstruct what it is at a distance. Oh, but it would not be so terrible had one calf, not borne (if I'd looked close, it would have been a chain of tiny wounds with moments of flesh between; I've done that myself with a swipe in a garden past a rose) that scratch.
The asphalt spilled him onto the highway's shoulder. The paving's chipped edges filed visions off his eyes. A roar came toward him he heard only as it passed. He glanced back: the truck's red, rear eyes sank together. He walked for another hour, saw no other vehicle.
A Mac with a double van belched twenty feet behind him, sagged to a stop twenty feet ahead. He hadn't even been thumbing. He sprinted toward the opening door, hauled himself up, slammed it. The driver, tall, blond, and acned, looking blank, released the clutch.
He was going to say thanks, but coughed. Maybe the driver wanted somebody to rap at? Why else stop for someone just walking the road!
He didn't feel like rapping. But you have to say something:
"What you loading?"
"Artichokes."
Approaching lights spilled pit to pit in the driver's face.
They shook on down the highway.
He could think of nothing more, except: I was just making love to this woman, see, and you'll never guess ... No, the Daphne bit would not pass-
It was he who wanted to talk! The driver was content to dispense with phatic thanks and chatter. Western independence? He had hitched this sector of country enough to decide it was all manic terror.
He leaned his head back. He wanted to talk and had nothing to say.
Fear past, the archness of it forced the architecture of a smile his lips fought.
He saw the ranked highway lights twenty minutes later and sat forward to see the turnoff. He glanced at the driver who was just glancing away. The brakes wheezed and the cab slowed by lurches.
They stopped. The driver sucked in the sides of his mined cheeks, looked over, still blank.
He nodded, sort of smiled, fumbled the door, dropped to the road; the door slammed arid the truck started while he was still preparing thanks; he had to duck the van corner.
The vehicle grumbled down the turnoff. We only spoke a line apiece.
What an odd ritual exchange to exhaust communication. (Is that terror?) What amazing and engaging rituals are we practicing now? (He stood on the road side, laughing.) What torque and tension in the mouth to laugh so in this windy, windy, windy . ..
Underpass and overpass knotted here. He walked . . . proudly? Yes, proudly by the low wall. Across the water the city flickered. On its dock-front, down half a mile, flamed roiled smoke on the sky and reflections on the river. Here, not one car came off the bridge. Not one went on.
This toll booth, like the rank of booths, was dark. He stepped inside: front pane shattered, stool overturned, no drawer in the register-a third of the keys stuck down; a few bent. Some were missing their heads. Smashed by a mace, a mallet, a fist? He dragged his fingers across them, listened to them click, then stepped from the glass-flecked, rubber mat, over the sill to the pavement.
Metal steps led up to the pedestrian walkway. But since there was no traffic, he sauntered across two empty lanes-a metal grid sunk in the blacktop gleamed where tires had polished it-to amble the broken white line, sandaled foot one side, bare foot the other. Girders wheeled by him, left and right. Beyond, the burning city squatted on weak, inverted images of its fires.
He gazed across the wale of night water, all wind-runneled, and sniffed for burning. A gust parted the hair at the back of his neck; smoke was moving off the river.
"Hey, you!"
He looked up at the surprising flashlight. "Huh . . . ?" At the walkway rail, another and another punctured the dark.
"You going into Bellona?"
"That's right." Squinting, he tried to smile. One, and another, the lights moved a few steps, stopped. He said: "You're . . . leaving?"
"Yeah. You know it's restricted in there."
He nodded. "But I haven't seen any soldiers or police or anything. I just hitch-hiked down."
"How were the rides?"
"All I saw was two trucks for the last twenty miles. The second one gave me a lift."
"What about the traffic going out?"
He shrugged. "But I guess girls shouldn't have too hard a time, though. I mean, if a car passes, you'll probably get a ride. Where you heading?"
"Two of us want to get to New York. Judy wants to go to San Francisco."
"I just want to get some place," a whiny voice came down. "I've got a fever! I should be in bed. I was in bed for the last three days."
He said: "You've got a ways to go, either direction."
"Nothing's happened to San Francisco-?"
"--or New York?"
"No." He tried to see behind the lights. "The papers don't even talk about what's happening here, any more."
"But, Jesus! What about the television? Or the radio-"
"Stupid, none of it works out here. So how are they
gonna know?"
"But- Oh, wow . .. !"He said: "The nearer you get, it's just less and less people. And the ones you meet are ... funnier. What's it like inside?"
One laughed.
Another said: "It's pretty rough."
The one who'd spoken first said: "But like you say, girls have an easier time."
They laughed.
He did too. "Is there anything you can tell me? I mean that might be helpful? Since I'm going in?"
"Yeah. Some men came by, shot up the house we were living in, tore up the place, then burned us out."
"She was making this sculpture," the whiny voice explained; "this big sculpture. Of a lion. Out of junk metal and stuff. It was beautiful ... ! But she had to leave it." "Wow," he said. "Is it like that?" One short, hard laugh: "Yeah. We got it real easy." 'Tell him about Calkins? Or the scorpions?" "He'll learn about them." Another laugh. "What can you say?"
"You want a weapon to take in with you?" That made him afraid again. "Do I need one?" But they were talking among themselves: "You're gonna give him that?"
"Yeah, why not? I don't want it with me any more." "Well, okay. It's yours."
Metal sounded on chain, while one asked: "Where you from?" The flashlights turned away, ghosting the group. One in profile near the rail was momentarily lighted enough to see she was very young, very black, and very pregnant.
"Up from the south."
"You don't sound like you're from the south," one said who did.
"I'm not from the south. But I was just in Mexico." "Oh, hey!" That was the pregnant one. "Where were you? I know Mexico."
The exchange of half a dozen towns ended in disappointed silence.
"Here's your weapon."
Flashlights followed the flicker in the air, the clatter on the gridded blacktop.
With the beams on the ground (and not in his eye
s), he could make out half a dozen women on the catwalk. "What-" A car motor thrummed at the end of the bridge; but there were no headlights when he glanced. The sound died on some turnoff-"is it?" "What'd they call it?" "An orchid." "Yeah, that's what it is." He walked over, squatted in the triple beam. "You wear it around your wrist. With the blades sticking out front. Like a bracelet"
From an adjustable metal wrist-band, seven blades, from eight to twelve inches, curved sharply forward. There was a chain-and-leather harness inside to hold it steady on the fingers. The blades were sharpened along the outside.
He picked it up.
"Put it on."
"Are you right or left handed?"
"Ambidextrous . . ." which, in his case, meant clumsy with both. He turned the "flower". "But I write with my left. Usually."
"Oh."
He fitted it around his right wrist, snapped it. "Suppose you were wearing this on a crowded bus. You could hurt somebody," and felt the witticism fail. He made a fist within the blades, opened it slowly and, behind curved steel, rubbed two blunt and horny crowns on the underside of his great thumb.
"There aren't too many buses in Bellona."
Thinking: Dangerous, bright petals bent about some knobbed, half-rotted root. "Ugly thing," he told it, not them. "Hope I don't need you."
"Hope you don't either," one said above. "I guess you can give it to somebody else when you leave."
"Yeah." He stood up. "Sure."
"If he leaves," another said, gave another laugh.
"Hey, we better get going."
"I heard a car. We're probably gonna have to wait long enough anyway. We might as well start."
South: "He didn't make it sound like we were gonna get any rides."
"Let's just get going. Hey, so long!"
"So long." Their beams swept by. "And thanks." Artichokes? But he could not remember where the word had come from to ring so brightly. He raised the orchid after them. His gnarled hand, caged in blades, was silhouetted with river glitter stretching between the bridge struts. Watching them go, he felt the vaguest flutter of desire. Only one of their flashlights was on. Then one of them blocked that. They were footsteps on metal plates; some laughter drifting back; rustlings . . .
He walked again, holding his hand from his side.
This parched evening seasons the night with remembrances of rain. Very few suspect the existence of this city. It is as if not only the media but the laws of perception themselves have redesigned knowledge and perception to pass it. Rumor says there is practically no power here. Neither television cameras nor on-the-spot broadcasts function: that such a catastrophe as this should be opaque, and therefore dull, to the electric nation! It is a city of inner discordances and retinal distortions. Beyond the bridge-mouth, the pavement shattered.
One live street lamp lit five dead ones-two with broken globes. Climbing a ten-foot, tilted, asphalt slab that jerked once under him, rumbling like a live thing, he saw pebbles roll off the edge, heard them clink on fugitive plumbing, then splash somewhere in darkness ... He recalled the cave and vaulted to a more solid stretch, whose cracks were mortared with nubby grass.
No lights in any near buildings; but down those waterfront streets, beyond the veils of smoke-was that fire? Already used to the smell, he had to breathe deeply to notice it. The sky was all haze. Buildings jabbed up into it and disappeared.
Light?
At the corner of a four-foot alley, he spent ten minutes exploring-just because the lamp worked. Across the street he could make out concrete steps, a loading porch under an awning, doors. A truck had overturned at the block's end. Nearer, three cars, windows rimmed with smashed glass, squatted on skewed hubs, like frogs gone marvelously blind.
His bare foot was calloused enough for gravel and glass. But ash kept working between his foot and his remaining sandal to grind like finest sand, work its way under, and silt itself with his sweat. His heel was almost sore.
By the gate at the alley's end, he found a pile of empty cans, a stack of newspaper still wire-bound, bricks set up as a fireplace with an arrangement of pipes over it. Beside it was an army mess pan, insides caked with dead mold. Something by his moving foot crinkled.
He reached down. One of the orchid's petals snagged; he picked up a package of ... bread? The wrapper was twisted closed. Back under the street lamp, he balanced it on his fingers, through the blades, and opened the cellophane.
He had wondered about food.
He had wondered about sleep.
But he knew the paralysis of wonder.
The first slice had a tenpenny nailhead of muzzy green in the corner; the second and third, the same. The nail, he thought, was through the loaf. The top slice was dry on one side. Nothing else was wrong-except the green vein; and it was only that penicillium stuff. He could eat around it
I'm not hungry.
He replaced the slices, folded the cellophane, carried it back, and wedged it behind the stacked papers.
As he returned to the lamp, a can clattered from his sandal, defining the silence. He wandered away through it, gazing up for some hint of the hazed-out moon-
Breaking glass brought his eyes to street level.
He was afraid, and he was curious; but fear had been so constant, it was a dull and lazy emotion, now; the curiosity was alive:
He sprinted to the nearest wall, moved along it rehearsing his apprehensions of all terrible that might happen. He passed a doorway, noted it for ducking, and kept on to the corner. Voices now. And more glass.
He peered around the building edge.
Three people vaulted from a shattered display window to join two waiting. Barking, a dog followed them to the sidewalk. One man wanted to climb back in; did. Two others took off down the block.
The dog circled, loped his way-
He pulled back, free hand grinding on the brick.
The dog, crouched and dancing ten feet off, barked, barked, barked again.
Dim light slathered canine tongue and teeth. Its eyes (he swallowed, hard) were glistening red, without white or pupil, smooth as crimson glass.
The man came back out the window. One in the group turned and shouted: "Muriel!" (It could have been a woman.) The dog wheeled and fled after.
Another street lamp, blocks down, gave them momentary silhouette.
As he stepped from the wall, his breath unraveled the silence, shocked him as much as if someone had called his ... name? Pondering, he crossed the street toward the corner of the loading porch. On tracks under the awning, four- and six-foot butcher hooks swung gently- though there was no wind. In fact, he reflected, it would take a pretty hefty wind to start them swinging-
"Hey!"
Hands, free and flowered, jumped to protect his face. He whirled, crouching.
"You down there!"
He looked up, with hunched shoulders.
Smoke rolled about the building top, eight stories above.
"What you doing, huh?"
He lowered his hands.
The voice was rasp rough, sounded near drunk.
He called: "Nothing!" and wished his heart would still. "Just walking around."
Behind scarves of smoke, someone stood at the cornice. "What you been up to this evening?"
"Nothing, I said." He took a breath: "I just got here, over the bridge. About a half hour ago."
"Where'd you get the orchid?"
"Huh?" He raised his hand again. The street lamp dribbled light down a blade. "This?"
"Yeah."
"Some women gave it to me. When I was crossing the bridge."
"I saw you looking around the corner at the hubbub. I couldn't tell from up here-was it scorpions?"
"Huh?"
"I said, was it scorpions?"
"It was a bunch of people trying to break into a store, I think. They had a dog with them."
After silence, gravelly laughter grew. "You really haven't been here long, kid?"
"I-" and realized the repetition-"just got here."
"You out to go exploring by yourself? Or you want company for a bit."
The guy's eyes, he reflected, must be awfully good. "Company . , . I guess."
"I'll be there in a minute."
He didn't see the figure go; there was too much smoke. And after he'd watched several doorways for several minutes, he figured the man had changed his mind.
"Here you go," from the one he'd set aside for ducking.
"Name is Loufer. Tak Loufer. You know what that means, Loufer? Red Wolf; or Fire Wolf."
"Or Iron Wolf." He squinted. "Hello."
"Iron Wolf? Well, yeah . . ." The man emerged, dim on the top step. "Don't know if I like that one so much. Red Wolf. That's my favorite." He was a very big man.
He came down two more steps; his engineer's boots, hitting the boards, sounded like dropped sandbags. Wrinkled black-jeans were half stuffed into the boot tops. The worn cycle jacket was scarred with zippers. Gold stubble on chin and jaw snagged the street light. Chest and belly, bare between flapping zipper teeth, were a tangle of brass hair. The fingers were massive, matted-"What's your name?"-but clean, with neat and cared-for nails.
"Urn . . . well, I'll tell you: I don't know." It sounded funny, so he laughed. "I don't know."
Loufer stopped, a step above the sidewalk, and laughed too. "Why the hell don't you?" The visor of his leather cap blocked his upper face with shadow.
He shrugged. "I just don't. I haven't for ... a while now."
Loufer came down the last step, to the pavement "Well, Tak Loufer's met people here with stranger stories than that. You some kind of nut, or something? You been in a mental hospital, maybe?"
"Yes . . ." He saw that Loufer had expected a No.
Tak's head cocked. The shadow raised to show the rims of Negro-wide nostrils above an extremely Caucasian mouth. The jaw looked like rocks in hay-stubble.
"Just for a year. About six or seven years ago."
Loufer shrugged. "I was in jail for three months . . . about six or seven years ago. But that's as close as I come. So you're a no-name kid? What are you, seventeen? Eighteen? No, I bet you're even-"
"Twenty-seven."
Tak's head cocked the other way. Light topped his cheek bones. "Neurotic fatigue, do it every time. You notice that about people with serious depression, the kind that sleep all day? Hospital type cases, I mean. They always look ten years younger than they are."