she was just being a victim and that she deserved better than that.
Lily picked up the note on the table and looked at it again. ‘Have a good day,’ the words swam around her mind. She thought it was too hot to have a good day. Too oppressive. And she was too aware of her body. She was melting and she was lying to herself. She could think of a few things that would make the day a lot more pleasurable.
Maybe she'd hear the tinkling tune of an ice cream van heading her way. In the last few weeks that sound had become the highlight of her day. She didn't even like ice cream that much; even in the heat, her teeth were too sensitive to the cold. Lily felt her cheeks flush in the knowledge that her interest was much more basic and had nothing to do with cooling off.
John owned the van and Lily liked him as soon as she saw him. His pale blue eyes combined with short black hair, left her more than a little flustered. He didn't look a day over thirty five, although he was actually in his mid-forties. To Lily though, he simply looked fantastic, dressed in his jeans, t-shirt and little white apron.
He made her feel so hot she almost wondered if he was real. She didn't really care. As she stood at the kitchen table, she tried telling herself she just wanted to see him that day. Lily was lying to herself again though. What she really wanted was for him to scoop her up in his huge arms, carry her into the cool of his van and make love to her over and over again.
The note slipped through her fingers and onto the floor. She bent down to pick it up and wondered if a cold shower might be in order. Regaining a little control, she went to the bathroom to put on her make-up instead. After all, she didn't want to risk seeing him without it.
As she finished applying the final touches to her lipstick, she heard the sound of fists hammering on the front door. She knew who it was straight away. Lily descended the stairs and opened the door to a face contorted by anger. She'd seen Harry looking like this too often to be surprised.
This certainly wasn't the Harry Fitzgerald his beloved viewers would've recognised. It'd been a long time since she'd seen anything resembling the affable charmer who appeared on his chat show. After twenty years of marriage and five since the divorce, all he gave Lily was spite and cheap insults.
Even though he was in his early fifties, Harry looked suspiciously youthful. Lily suspected he’d had some work done, which made her even more thankful that she'd got her make-up on before he arrived. If the camera could be unforgiving to him, he was capable of being infinitely crueler to her.
Despite this though, with her war paint on, and, being on home ground, Lily felt bold:
“Hello Harry, how can I help you today?"
“Where is she?” he replied.
Lily played dumb.
“Who do you mean?”
Harry rolled his eyes.
“Who do I mean? Bloody Diane, that’s who!”
“She’s not with you then?”
“No she’s not with me,” he snapped.
His face was reddening and Lily started to enjoy herself. It wasn't the first time Diane hadn't turned up to meet him and she wasn't too proud to admit that it made her quite happy. Harry was a horrible control freak; always trying to set the agenda and usually nobody had the will or the power to stop him. His daughter was the exception. She called the shots and he hated it.
Lily reassured him that she'd talk to Diane. She didn't actually want to stop him seeing his daughter. Whatever else he might have been, Harry did at least show an interest in having a relationship with her. Her words hardly appeased him, though. More unpleasantness followed and then he was gone and she was alone again.
By mid-afternoon the worst of the heat had passed. Lily went to the living room and sprawled herself across the large green sofa. The fabric was soft against her bare legs as she searched down the sides for the TV remote control. When she found it, she watched the end of the weather forecast; rain and milder days were on the way. There was relief in that news and also disappointment.
Her mind drifted back to John and also to the miserable wasted years of her life. At that moment she realised that her life had become a mounting series of missed opportunities. Diane and Rebecca were always telling her to take a few chances. And they were right. The older she got, the smaller the world became. More and more was lost and each day there was less worth losing. She'd spent her life waiting while the world kept spinning and everyone else was having fun. The least she could do was try to find out what she'd been missing out on.
Lily knew what she wanted and needed. She just hoped John liked her. He seemed to and it was worth finding out for certain. His timing was certainly immaculate. From the street outside, a twinkling tune, she couldn’t remember the name of, came drifting back to her ear. She took a deep breath. This time she put on some shoes. Her heart beat faster but Lily was ready to start her life over again.
The Devil eats Coleslaw
“You’re in the best place today.”
'That's bollocks,' I don't say aloud. I smile. Sunniest day of the year and I’m stuck behind a deli counter. I don't care how hot it is, she can still go home to cool down. That’s gotta be better than being here.
“Yeah, you’re probably right,” I tell her.
She takes what she ordered and goes. I watch her shifting her weight from one side to the other. Enough to take her forward slowly to somewhere better than here.
The old girl's not the first to let me know what's passing me by outside. She ain't trying to piss me off either. No more than the others were. They’re all just complaining. Typical. Nothings ever right round here. Too hot, too cold, too somewhere in between. There's obviously nothing better to do and it's been like this all day. It's like this every day.
Bollocks! Here comes another one. A familiar face at the counter. I get treated like an idiot in this bloody place. To everyone I’m just some thick kid and this woman's the worst of the lot. Mrs Thompson used to be my English teacher. Now all she does is come in to bitch at me a couple of times a week. This time's no different. Same old questions and she don't half go on. I smile and nod and don't listen. I won't listen.
Once she's gone, I need a coffee. I hide behind a pillar. Enough protection for a sip or two. Cold. And disgusting. Typical! My mind loops around words and whatever it was she said. I drink some more. Swallow it down and take a deep breath. That changes it all except I still wish I'd reached over the glass counter to take something out of her bag. It was right there and I could've distracted her long enough to hide what I took. Would've felt so good. So right, after everything. But I didn’t do it and now the chance is gone.
I look along the aisle. It's empty enough to tell me most people are out enjoying the sun. It's so boring. No-one comes to the counter. No pink cheeks and grey hair. Not even a purple rinse to cheer me up.
It all feels as pointless as I do. Nothing ever changes. Every day the same stuff happens. It’s just in a slightly different order. The shop's filled to bursting and it still feels empty. I hate it. I hate the lighting too. All those strips and spots, a blindingly unnecessary summer day no matter what time of year or time of day it is. Maybe I just hate everything. Maybe that's all I've got. And I need to party. It’s been too long. And why shouldn’t I nick things? And what was that song?
I turn away and look at the clock on the wall. The time barely registers in my brain and I still know it's at least an hour until someone takes my place here. There's a load more people now. Flanked by plastic, mostly single mothers, with their kids in tow, looking utterly worn out. I went to school with a few of them. Not the same year though. Most of them are a bit older. They're the ones that seem most pissed off about how things have panned out for them.
Vibration clears my mind. Excitement fills my chest as I look down at the little screen on my mobile. Diane's texted me. Simple, complete sentences, spelt properly. So sweet and lovely. Thank God she’s meeting me when I finish.
I can’t help myself. I'm grinning. I’ve known her for forever. Maybe I've loved her for forever
too. I definitely liked her at little school and then when we got to high school I didn’t really know her. I don’t know why. I mean, I’d see her around and that was all really. Stupid, cause I kind of knew I liked her. Then I saw her the first day at college and that was it for me.
I still ain't got a clue what she's doing with me. She could be with anyone so I guess I’m just hoping she doesn’t work that out. I never even thought anything would happen with her. I’ve never been that lucky. It was kind of an accident really. We went out one night a couple of weeks back and on our way home she took hold of my hand and kissed me. God knows why but I'm not gonna complain when I'm getting naked privileges.
I've worked out that time never drags with Diane. It goes twice as slow when I’m waiting to see her. And I'm always waiting to see her. Forty five minutes to go.
Bollocks. It's that bloke from school. The one a couple of years older than me and already losing his hair. I don’t want to see him. I avoid his look at me when he walks past and stare at the girl he’s with instead. She’s cute, so how's he managed that? She’s a brave one. Showing off her arse in silly, little black knickers under white linen trousers. I smile but not at her. I smile for me. Diane’s way better than she is.
A cheery old lady sees me grinning again as she walks up to the counter. She smiles back. I’m quite happy