I really needed to rest for a while and forget my bleak past, so I decided to keep a low profile this year. All I have been doing ever since I finished lyceum, is go to an English tutorial school and study for the Proficiency Certificate. I have also studied maths by myself, at home, with the aim of repeating the Pan-Hellenic Examination. Maybe I should have attended one of those big tuition centres in Athens, but the negative experiences from “Cyclotron” deterred me from that.
Anyway, when the day of the maths examination arrived, as soon as I got out of the house I noticed that Tweety, our canary, was not in his cage. We had left him out all night, his cage hanging next to the front door, and obviously someone found the opportunity to steal him during the night. My mother frowned and considered it to be a bad omen; I don't believe in superstitions but I was sorry about the loss of the bird.
... The exam proved to be a catastrophe: Although I had studied very well, the subjects seemed entirely incomprehensible to me. In the end, I got a 01.5, the lowest mark in my entire school life.
Sunday, 16th January 1983
Since September I have been attending a secretarial school as well as an Italian tuition centre in Athens. It is my intention to leave for Italy and study Astronomy, which has always been my greatest dream. The decision about studies abroad was taken after an idea given to us by George, a good cousin of mine, who has always believed in me: “Yvonne must become a scientist! She shouldn't be interested in anything less!” he said, as soon as we told him about the secretarial school.
In both the Italian and the English tuition centres, I am “one of the best students, if not the best”, as my teachers say. Moreover, I never have any problems of socialization there. Nobody makes fun of me there; on the contrary, all my classmates are fond of me and acknowledge my due.
As about my future carrier, my parents' opinion remains the same ever since I was an infant: When I get married I must stop working. Yet, a university degree will always be useful to me because I will be able to show it off to my husband any time we quarrel. I used to agree to that idea till recently, but now I wonder: Why should I spend five years of my life studying hard, only to become a housewife? If I take a university degree, I had better use it.
Saturday, 5th February 1983
Despite my relative popularity at the tutorial schools of English and Italian, my social life is getting poorer and poorer: Cousin Jenny has recently returned to Cefallonia, where she works in a bank. As about Niki, I've never got along so well with her. I don't have any other friends, so I usually attach myself to Alice's circle: When one or more of her numerous friends come over, I hasten to join them even if they make a wry face.
As about boys, they never approach me unless they really have to! In all probability they are repelled by my excessive shyness, as well as by my still child-like body: I am 1.77 m tall, I weigh 48 kilos, I have flat breasts and the opposite of a wasp waist. Besides, all relatives and neighbours still admire Alice because “she is very feminine”, “as sharp as a needle”, “such a lively girl”, while I am “conservative”, “blunt” and “boring”, as they say.
This morning Helen, who is Alice's best friend and notorious for her loose morals, paid us a visit. We soon started a heated discussion regarding my sister's liveliness in contrast to my reserve: “Psychologists say that lively children are normal, whereas quiet children are not!” said Helen, with an air of expertise.
Yet, I wonder: What does it mean to be “lively”? Judging by what I see around me, to be “lively” means always go with the flow: Is swearing in fashion? “Lively” people swear more than anyone else. Is mini skirt in fashion? “Lively” girls wear the shortest one. Is drinking alcohol in fashion? The “lively” get stinking drunk every night, and so forth. On the other side, all these “lively” girls turn pale when they hear that I intend to leave my family and go to Italy for studies. They intend to have fun till they are twenty and then get married, have children and live on the memories of their youth (how original!). All things considered, “lively” people are nothing but the most obedient pawns of the system...
Thursday, 24th March 1983
Something very odd happened this evening: While I was in the kitchen making sandwiches, Alice and Helen were in the living room. They were having a hot argument about extraterrestrials and flying saucers -which I found strange, since the two of them had never shown any interest in such things before. They always talk about fashion, boys and dates. All of a sudden, both girls came running to me and they both looked very upset.
“It's incredible, you will never imagine what's just happened, Yvonne!” started Alice, in a quivering voice.
“What... what happened?” I got curious.
“We were talking about UFOs and aliens, whether these things really exist or not, and you know what?” went on Alice.
“We saw a flying saucer right outside the window!” exclaimed Helen, in obvious bewilderment.
“It was flying a little higher than the electric current wires, right opposite our house! Can you believe it?” added my sister, still quivering.
“Of course I can't believe that,” I replied smiling. “You probably imagined the whole thing because you were having a relative conversation!”
“No, we really saw that, we both saw that!” protested Helen.
“Yeah, and the UFO came right outside your window, to say ''hello''! Come on girls!”
I certainly can't take this story at its face value; In all probability, the two of them imagined the flying object because they were immersed in their discussion; sometimes, the mind plays strange tricks. Or, maybe, they made up the whole tale because they wanted to pull my leg. On the other hand, it's not at all like them to talk about such things or make up such stories...
Monday, 16th May 1983
My sister has been in big trouble lately: A few days ago she had a date with her boyfriend, a certain Mr Antony Markakis, and dad happened to pass by and see them. He has been outraged ever since, reprimanding Alice again and again because “she has dishonoured our family” and “woe is us if rumour spreads, what will people say?”. Moreover, he insists on meeting the bloke, “...so that if anyone comes and tells me he's seen Alice with a boyfriend, I will be able to retort that I have already met him!”.
Anyway, Alice was finally forced to speak to Antony about our father's demands and, strangely enough, the young man did not at all object to meeting him in a café this afternoon. When dad returned home in the evening, he looked calm and satisfied. Obviously, the would-be groom made a very good impression on my father, who finally assured him: “Our meeting means no commitment for you!” Too much ado for nothing, I think.
Wednesday, 15th June 1983
Here is the continuation of the love story: My mother has been itching to meet Antony's parents who, as far as we know, have separated lately although they have five children. “Besides, it's urgent that we find out this guy's intentions regarding your sister!”, announced mum this morning. Then she asked me to accompany her to Antony's house, which is not far from ours.
As soon as we saw the old hut with the weedy garden, we were speechless but not daunted. Mum rang the bell and a fat disagreeable lady answered the door. Fortunately, that was not Antony's mother, but an aunt of his. “Mrs Markakis cannot see you now, she has visitors,” she told us scornfully. There were many other relatives inside the almost dilapidated house -probably a family reunion. Finally, Antony's mother appeared at the threshold; she looked friendly, we exchanged a few words and she promised to come and visit us as soon as possible.
Friday, 5th August 1983
Antony's parents are about to take a divorce: His mother lives with her boyfriend, his father lives with his girlfriend, and the old house has been abandoned. I am not sure where their five children live. Antony, who is the eldest, had rented a house nearby; yet he stayed there just for one month, since it proved to be more expensive than he had initially expected. Finally, my sister coerced my parents into allowing Antony to move in wit
h us -under the condition that nothing “irreparable” happens.
It's been three weeks now ever since Antony came to live with Alice on the second floor. My sister is on cloud nine, the two of them do nothing but make out and kiss passionately all day long. I have to admit that the guy is very handsome; that's why Alice finally chose him over hundreds of guys who had been flirting her: He is only 18 years old, he has a muscular body, blond hair and blue eyes. For the last three years he has been working in a carpenter's workshop and he is very efficient at his job. He is not educated, he has finished only elementary school, but he has a pleasant, gregarious character. On the other hand, sometimes he gets irritable and violent; he beats up Alice over a trifle and she does everything she can to hide it. Anyway, it usually doesn't take them long to make it up and start necking again.
This evening, the couple and I went to the local cinema, where we watched a dull comedy. On our way home, not even for one moment did the two of them stop giggling, kissing, cuddling, chasing each other, in a rather ostentatious manner, I'd say.
Then, Antony grabbed Alice with his strong hands, turned her upside down and started revolving her body around his playfully, making sure to catch her just on time before she crashed her head on the pavement. I found the game silly, but Alice kept laughing, apparently enjoying it.
Surely, I have seen couples making out many times, but I have the impression that the two of them were showing off too much. I also found it strange, especially after their big row of yesterday: The macho man beat up the vamp again, she cried and cried for hours, neither remembers the reason, and I suspect Alice actually likes all this. In all probability, she regards physical assault as proof of passion -just like most women do...
Tuesday, 30th August 1983
As the time for my departure is coming closer and closer, I gain more and more self-confidence. Ambition is flaring up inside me and I like it: I already envisage myself working in the Observatory as an astronomer, making great discoveries, reaching the highest levels of scientific achievement. Apart from that, I also aspire to become a writer of science fiction books and I have already started writing my first novel, entitled “The Conspiracy of Shadows”. I won't calm down, unless I fulfill my dreams!
Nevertheless, first I have to get rid of all the inner bondage I have been burdened with since my early childhood: Timidness, self-pity, passivity, pessimism. Surely, a part of the fault lies with me: I have always appeared different from the others, I have never followed the herd. This is unforgivable in the society of humans: You are never accepted as an individual, with your own peculiarities; all you can do is always adjust yourself to the mass, never showing the slightest deviation.
Therefore, from now on I must pretend I am exactly like them: I must behave in the same way as they do, and tell them stories that my life is not at all different from theirs. In general, I must say to people only what they want to hear. In this way, I won't arouse any suspicions about by difference, they will let me be and I will be more focused on my goals.
However, certain difficulties have already appeared: I have considered it right not to apply for Astronomy, which I really wanted, because there are only two available positions for foreign students in all Italian universities. If I had applied for that faculty, there would be great risk of my not being admitted at all. Therefore, I have chosen to start my studies with Industrial Chemistry in the university of Padova; next year I will have the right to enroll in Astronomy.
Anyway, the fat is in the fire now. I'm leaving for Italy in a week. I feel a little anxious but I'm optimistic about the future. I believe that everything will be fine from now on...
Chapter 15: Circumspection