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Wednesday, 31st July 1996
The truth is I am disappointed from life. No matter how hard I try to achieve something in any field of life, the result is always poor or naught. That's why I have returned to Janus, that's why I am ready to go to Alexander's asram again, despite the fiasco of '92. This time I am even willing to pay 90,000 drachmas for ten days. The price includes accommodation in tents and full board. On the other hand, this is the best proposal for holidays I've had this summer. I know I won't have a good time but I am leaving tomorrow morning...
Sunday, 11th August 1996
All things considered, it was much nicer than I thought; the asram has been improved a lot since 1992: A spacious cottage has been built to the west, and another one is under construction nearby. To the south there is a vast field of cultivated vegetables. The central field is still full of nut-trees at the shadow of which we have set up our tents. In the middle there is a picturesque pond full of goldfish; it is decorated with a wooden bridge, stone banks and a green islet with a palm-tree on top. To the east they have constructed a big tank, which receives water from the spring and serves mostly as a swimming pool. To the north there is a well-built stone wall; behind it, the thick forest of fir-trees.
Every day we followed a specific routine which, although it restricted our freedom a little, made life simpler: In the morning we performed various tasks such as cooking, cleaning the house and the lavatories, washing the dishes etc. I also managed to finish the translation of “Self-Knowledge and Metaphysics” from Greek into English ‒ that's about 200 pages in one and a half month! To my surprise, though, I found out the same task had been assigned to Danae, who had hardly translated ten pages!
In the afternoon we all went to the swimming pool; we swam from 5:00 to 6:00 every day, together with the three huge dogs that roamed about the estate: one belongs to Alexander and the other two belong to close disciples of his. Very soon the water was full of dog hairs but nobody ever complained. I only wondered: Couldn't the animals swim right after we had come out of the pool?
In the evenings, all twenty of us gathered around the big table outside the cottage. Some guys played the guitar and we all sang various songs, Greek or foreign, under the stars. It felt wonderful...
During my stay in the asram I also had the opportunity to improve my relationship with Maria Glenos, with whom I shared the tent. We took part in interesting discussions, we played volleyball with the others, we walked to the nearby village every afternoon. On the fourth day, I was happy to see Aphrodite and Theano arrive at the asram.
In general, we all got along very well; in fact, I was surprised to realize there were no whims, disagreements, or quarrels among us during these ten days in the asram; I mean, if you take twenty “normal” persons and send them on holidays together, pretty soon they won't be able to tolerate each other. When I explained these thoughts of mine to Maria, she commented that “The guru has done a very good job with his disciples.”
In the morning of my departure, as we were all sitting around the big table taking breakfast, Alexander turned to me and thanked me for the translation I finished so quickly. According to his publisher, I have done “a very good job, but the book has changed style”. Then he turned to another disciple and proposed her correcting my translation, so that the text will return to its original style. I smiled and accepted the guru's review – which was nothing more than one of his tricks for breaking Egos. I only explained that when a book is translated into another language, it inevitably changes style.
So, that was my reward for the hard, specialized and unpaid work of one and a half month: The guru talked to me for ten whole minutes (something unprecedented within the five years in total I have attended Janus), he advised me to wear more modern clothes and nicer glasses, and he made clear that men avoid me because of my high intelligence and strong personality. He also acknowledged my discovery about the awareness of time and space; “Yet, if your Ego is satisfied by it, you are in danger of losing the way,” he concluded.
Tuesday, 27th August 1996
Yesterday I came back from the island of Corfu, where I spent five days together with Helen Tandoulou and Vlassis, her retarded brother. Of course we went there on an organized trip, of course I stayed in my own single room. I know well how wayward my friend is...
During those five days of vacations, Helen didn't stop for a minute criticizing or belittling me over trifles. Especially at noon, when I was hungry and I wanted to go to a restaurant and eat something decent, Helen screamed that restaurants are too expensive, that we ought to eat nothing more than a souvlaki in hand, and that “certain people are like pigs, all they care about is food, food, food!”. As about her brother, he didn't utter a word; he only followed obediently. Undoubtedly, he came with us just because his religious parents had compelled him to, so as to guard his sister's virginity!
At least, we did visit some wonderful places: Pontikonisi, Mon Repos, Barbati, Achilleion, Paleokastritsa, Benitses, Pelekas etc. I enjoyed every moment, although Helen wouldn't stop grumbling: “Isn't this a nasty beach!” … “There is nothing but old ruins here!” … “We were ripped off in that taverna!” -let alone her ironic remarks:
“You like that guy, so what? When you look like an old witch, such a man will never fancy you!”
“Happiness isn't only to do what you want; happiness is also not to do what you don't want,” I answered but I don't think she got it.
My company in that trip was really bad, but fortunately we met three other young women from the group, with whom we arranged night outings to the clubs of Corfu, despite Helen's neurotic objections: “Why go to those sinks of debauchery which, moreover, are too expensive?”. Yet, she and her brother always followed us to those “sinks of debauchery” and we all had a fine time there...
Saturday, 21st September 1996
Tonight Pangaea is giving a reception at a big hotel in Athens, so as to celebrate the completion of the 15-volume encyclopedia “Arts in the World”. All employees have been invited (about eighty persons), all but two: Helen Roussos and me, although both of us belong to the team who worked for this encyclopedia: Helen as a proof-reader, I as an editor's secretary. “I am sorry about our bosses' boorishness, girls” said Mrs Julia, our chief editor.
Not that I care about this, yet I wonder: Why weren't we invited? Are Helen and I the only ones in the company who don't belong to high society? Or are we the only ones who don't belong to a network? I just wonder...
Wednesday, 25th September 1996
It was almost midnight when I got on the bus home after an outing with my friends. As I walked inside, I suddenly saw a man's hand snap its fingers before me, so as to distract my attention. I turned and faced Emmanuel, a tall, muscular, handsome guy who used to come to the gym. He started talking to me happily, and he clearly showed his interest in me! We got off at the same bus stop, we exchanged telephone numbers and we parted with a friendly kiss on the cheek. I was feeling very excited, I could hardly believe my good luck!
I was about to cross Hymettus avenue, when I noticed something very strange on the pavement at the opposite side of the street. I tried to discern what it was and I refused to believe my eyes: “What is this? What is this now?” I soliloquized and then, as I took two steps towards it, I saw it clearly: It was a dog lying on its back, with its legs stretched to the sky; its body looked bloated, as if it had been drowned! I observed more carefully, hoping to have seen wrong -but no... My heart was beating fast as I walked away, choosing to ignore completely that sinister sign of fate...
Saturday, 12th October 1996
Seeing that Emmanuel hasn't phoned me so far, this morning I decided to call him. He sounds happy to hear me and we arrange to meet at 11:00 at night. It is impossible for him to go out earlier, he says.
We agree to go to a nearby pizzeria which, especially today, offers as much pizza as we want at the low price of 1300 drachmas. Right from the start, the gentleman makes it
clear he has no intention of paying for me; I wouldn't expect him to do so, anyway.
In the beginning, we talk about ages: Emmanuel is only 21 years old -I thought he was older- and I lie to him I am 26. All my friends believe I am that old, because I do look a lot younger than my age. However, I am not sure whether he believes it too: “So, you are 26? Alright, no problem,” he says enigmatically.
Then we talk about education and jobs. He seems to be quite proud of working as a doorman in a certain club in Athens, where there is traffic in drugs and sex in the toilets. He has only finished junior high school but he considers himself superior to university graduates, since he earns a lot of money from his job. He becomes ironic when I tell him I speak four languages and I work as an editor's secretary in a publishing company: “You have spent many years at school but now you make a lot of money!” he mocks.
After a while, he looks bored and nervous: “We shouldn't have come here! You should have invited me home, so as to spend a nice night together!” he snorts. As soon as he realizes I don't intend to do so, he can barely hide his exasperation. In a rather aggressive manner, he starts interrogating me about my experience in love. When I lie to him that I have some previous experience but not much, he spits out scornfully: “When I was in junior high school, all my classmates, boys and girls, had sexual relationships! And we sniffed at those girls who were still virgins at the age of 13!”
At least he is kind enough to escort me home; the time is 2:00 am now. At a moment he holds my hand – probably hoping for a night of wild sex. As we reach the corner of Nereid street, I show him where my apartment is. Then, without my expecting it at all, he pauses and seeks to kiss and hug me. I try to respond accordingly but he senses my embarrassment at once:
“Hey, what's that?” he cries in disapproval.
“You took me by surprise,” I excuse myself.
“Oh, no, no, I'll pass!” he exclaims in abhorrence and, without my realizing what's going on, he pushes me away. I just look at him dumbfounded.
“We had better be friends only, nothing else!” he adds nervously and he takes his hand off mine. “Call me,” he says as he goes away hastily.
This is what I intend to do soon -until next morning. Suddenly, I am so gloomy and confused, and I don't feel like seeing Emmanuel ever again. By the way: Why do I always feel so sad after a date with a man? Why do they all make me feel like a retard or a failed whore right from the first date? Why am I so unlucky? Or am I not? Are, maybe, all men villains by nature?
Saturday, 16th November 1996
Miracles do happen! After many months of negotiations, I finally managed to persuade some guys from Janus to arrange an outing tonight! So, seven of us met at a nice cafeteria in Exarchia, at 7:00 o' clock in the evening. The place, with its thick white walls, the rustic furniture and the cosy atmosphere, reminded of a country house.
For about an hour we were all having a nice time, until we started talking about unemployment which is getting worse and worse in our country year after year. Having in mind Helen Tandoulou, who earns a living as a private tutor, I said: “It is true there are hardly any good jobs nowadays, that's why many people are forced to do odd jobs, like private lessons. For example, a friend of mine gives private lessons of English and she is the best of all!”
Compact ice! Everybody froze! The atmosphere around me became an impenetrable wall of ice! All at once I felt a violent separation from the others, a strong, massive, absolute disapproval. I was astonished to realize everyone had been irreparably offended by that last statement of mine. Right after, there was a lot of murmuring around the table.
Constantine and Eva (a middle-aged couple who have nothing to do with private lessons) were already in a hurry to leave: “It's time we old folks went home!” said Eva with a hypocritical smile on her face. George and Ann (snob music teachers, obviously insulted) also wanted to leave immediately: “Let's go and give some private lesson, so as to earn a dime,” said George bitterly. Mary Glenos, who was sitting next to me, stayed taciturn. The only one who didn't seem to be offended was Jimmy, a young physicist who works as a private tutor.
We stood up and left the place hastily, at about 8:15. Jimmy suggested he and I should go and sit somewhere else, but the whole incident had spoilt my fun and I was not in the mood for anything like that...
Friday, 27th December 1996
Last night my friend Aphrodite called and invited me to the celebration she and Stephanie (her co-tenant) are having tonight. “It is Stephanie's name-day tomorrow, we have invited many people and we are going to have lots of fun!” she told me cheerfully.
It is 8:00 o' clock in the evening now, and I knock on their door full of excitement, ready for a happy night with a large party -such joys are rare for me. I won't go to Janus tonight, where I normally have a lesson at 9:00. Tonight I intend to enjoy myself.
When I get in, the two women welcome me cordially. As I can see, I am the second guest to arrive, after Stephanie's sister. After a while, Stephanie and her sister go and sit alone in the big living room, where they chat in low voices. Aphrodite and I stay in the kitchen.
At a moment the phone rings. As I can hear, it is someone from Janus and they have called to wish many happy returns to Stephanie. They speak with Aphrodite too, and when she hangs up she comes to me with a box of cupcakes in her hands. Then, like a bold from the blue, she announces to me:
“Yvonne, now that you will go to Janus, give them these cupcakes and say they are from me!”
I don't get it immediately and I just stare at her dumbfounded. Aphrodite repeats slowly. It takes me a few minutes to realize what's going on.
“Why are you sending them cupcakes?” asks Stephanie, who happens to enter the kitchen at that moment.
“They called and wished many happy returns,” explains Aphrodite, rather thoughtful.
“So, what? Shall we let them fuck us?” mocks the other one and leaves the room.
In the meantime many guests have arrived and gathered in the living room. For about half an hour I sit and talk with them happily, as if nothing were going on. Yet, at about 8:55 I stand up and bid farewell because “I must go now”. This is not what I had planned, but eventually I will spend this Friday night at Janus; at least, it is just a few-minutes walk from here.
“Yvonne, we didn't talk enough this time; I hope you are not angry at me!” my friend says, as I go down the stairs with the box of cupcakes in hand.
“What are you talking about? Of course not!” I assure her and disappear from her life for ever.
I didn't hear a word from that lesson. I was only feeling a deep grief growing fast inside me, turning into a dark ocean of self-pity and desperation. I could feel my face being contorted with sadness. Alexander noticed and showed an interest. Naturally, I refused to explain in class what and how. “I only hope I am not the one who caused this,” he said, and then he tried to make me feel better by revealing to the class that “Yvonne is an unselfish person indeed: she was willing to translate ''Self-knowledge and Metaphysics'' from Greek into English free of charge, she did her best and finished it within a month!”. I appreciated his attempt to cheer me up at this hard time -but it was in vain: I was still feeling miserable, as if all the whole world were falling apart before me...
Saturday, 28th December 1996
Truth hurts: After that celebration in Aphrodite's house yesterday, from where I was actually turned away, I must face a truth I have known for a long time but refused to see up to now: For years and years I have been trying to become “sociable”, “agreeable”, “lovely”, yet all I have achieved is beat the air! Human beings have never liked me and they have always sought to crash me by labelling me as “stupid”, “unsociable”, “a loser”, “a misfit” and so on. On the other hand, I often act in a neurotic manner, like a typical victim of a self-realized prophesy. When everybody treats you as if you were a fool, in all likelihood you will become a fool.
I have tried very hard to become popular
, socializing with all kinds of persons indiscriminately. I often yield to other people's demands, or act the fool by ignoring their insults or mockeries; sometimes I even seek to show off my knowledge and intelligence, so as to prove my worth to them. To no avail, of course; There is only one virtue for them, and this is promiscuity.
As about all these parties I have joined so far, I've never been an equal member. I have always been “a cog in the machine”, constantly obliged to follow, obey, stay silent, show “understanding” and “patience”. They tolerate my presence as long as I cringe before them. Any time I show the slightest opinion, preference or disobedience, they kick me out as if I were a mangy dog. They have always been doing this to me because I am not human, full of wickedness, cunning, lust. I am different to them – that's why they detest me, they envy me, they are afraid of me!
And here I face what I've been trying to ignore for so many years: The hatred and contempt of the others towards me. Indeed, nothing scares me more than human wickedness. I prefer to confront a natural disaster -a flood, an earthquake, a hurricane- than satanic humans. It's impossible to predict what they plan against me every time, so I can't defend myself effectively.
This is natural, of course: In general, when someone intends to harm you, a) you can't imagine who it is; you are usually stabbed in the back by the one you suspect least, b) you don't know what this person is up to, c) or when they are going to strike, d) or how many and who their accomplices are. When you finally realize you are in trap, it is already too late.
Human nature is evil: Humans are genetically programmed to worship and obey those who do the greatest evil. The more evil you do, the more havoc you wreak on animate beings or inanimate things, the more you are respected by humans. If you are quiet and good-hearted, they consider you to be weak and they automatically push on the fringe of society. Paradoxically, natural abilities, intelligence or, even, brawn, are not at all important for the choice of a leader within the human herd: It is harum-scarum who rule! Which means: Human beings are monsters!
My nature is entirely different: I neither rule nor follow, like all “normal” people do. I neither exploit others nor serve a herd -although I have often tried, always without success, to achieve the latter. As a result, I am spontaneously pushed out of society, out of humanity. I am not a monster; that's why monsters constantly try to destroy me any way they can. However, in spite of their continuous efforts I remain strong, hopeful, clean. And they fume with rage...
A serious error of mine: Up to now, instead of studying myself and my real potentialities, I have been busy with monsters: I have wasted a lot of energy, time and gray matter to find out how they think, how they act, what they like, how I will be agreeable to them and so on. Yet, they are all dirty, wicked, perverted. Those who seem to be “good”, they are either hypocrites or handicapped.
Ever since I was born, they have been doing nothing but murdering me slowly: by sabotaging everything I do, they always make me feel stressed, anxious, sad, discouraged, unworthy. But enough with monsters! Now I know: With their incessant subtle war against me they have been damaging my body and soul. Negative feelings can kill. All psychological problems I've had from time to time, have been caused by their wickedness -and I was naïve enough to trust them.
Up to this day I thought communication with the others were the most important thing in life. I was completely wrong. When they disappear, all my psychological problems disappear as well: stress, nervousness, depression, timidity, self-pity, misery. Loneliness is heavenly...