Tuesday, 6th October 1992
Lessons at Janus started again last month, but they are still meaningless and boring. We don't learn anything new and there is no practice. The guru wastes all our time complaining about delayed fees. In addition, he allows nobody to say anything in class any more, as he doesn't tolerate even the slightest indication of a personal opinion. Sometimes we are given lessons by Harry, the brightest example of obedience in Janus, who trumpets forth that: “Disciples who are entirely subjected to their master, have a good chance of reaching illumination – no matter who the master is, no matter if the master is a complete idiot! It doesn't matter who you obey; the important thing is to obey!”
This evening we had a celebration in class. It proved to be a fiasco: as usual, the guru monopolized all conversations, emphasizing that he is in total control of our lives now and that he knows exactly what we are doing every moment. He got on my nerves but... Could he be serious about that?
Later, on my way home, a lunatic on the bus scared me: He sat right opposite to me and kept shouting, swearing and gesticulating during the whole journey, while the bus was full and there was no other seat vacant. I am getting sick and tired of this all...
Saturday, 10th October 1992
Since the beginning of the month I have been in two minds whether to leave Janus or not, until the following incident happened at Danae's this evening: There were eight persons from our class invited, we all sat together in the living room, but there was a strange silence among us; the TV was on, we all gaped at it, but we neither watched anything nor uttered a word. There was only embarrassment, frigidity, absolute lack of communication.
“Shall we turn it off and talk a little?” I suggested calm, after an hour of exasperation.
“I would like it to be on!” someone retorted with an air of importance.
“Me too!” another one seconded and the others agreed, probably because they wanted to oppose me.
Anyway, we stayed there for about three hours doing nothing but stupidly looking at the screen. We hardly talked, I was bored to death, I got furious and I decided to leave Janus for good. By the way, how “spiritual” can someone be, if they can't resist the telly? What have we been doing all these years?
Monday, 12th October 1992
Night Adventure: I am in the yard of a monastery, among many people. Something extraordinary is about to happen, something we've been waiting for a long time. Could it be Judgement Day? I suspect. There is a lot of agitation now, as crowds of people hurry towards an arched gate. I follow too, although nobody knows if we are heading for Heaven or Hell. Reaching the gate, there is a white, marble stairway before us; a hawk goes up the steps, next to some people; it scares me although I can hear them say it is a good demon.
Next moment, the hawk screeches loudly and it changes form within a bright light. I am in agony, as I am not sure whether it will be transformed into an angel or a demon. No, it will be an angel, I finally decide and indeed, the bird becomes an angel with white wings: It has the form of a beautiful woman with blond hair, dressed in a white long dress, who beams with tranquility and wisdom.
Suddenly, the woman changes form again: She is holding an infant in her hands now and she hasn't got wings anymore. I recognize Mother Mary with baby Jesus. She leads us all to a spacious room, full of chairs. Some kind of lecture is about to begin in there. There are only four or five persons sitting at the front row, but I prefer to wait for others to arrive. The preacher, who is Jesus Christ, begins his speech by announcing his Second Coming at the beginning of the New Age.
Thursday, 15th October 1992
This afternoon I visited my friend Aphrodite; I found her home alone and she looked kinda strange. When I asked her if anything was wrong, she confided in me that during the last two hours (that is immediately after I had phoned her) incredible things had happened: All of a sudden she felt like suffocating and, without even thinking about it, she left home, she went to find Zisis' best friend, and asked to have sex with him at once! The guy was not alone, he was in the company of a friend. The latter, as soon as he got wind of what was happening, sought to leave; yet, Aphrodite didn't let him go, making clear she didn't mind having sex with both of them!
“I felt very liberated when I had sex with two men at the same time, and I had no problem that one of them was my lover's best friend! Now it is all crystal clear to me: Love is one thing, sex is another! There can be sex without love!” she concluded with an air of expertise.
A little later, Zisis arrived home. Aphrodite sent me to the kitchen and she told her boyfriend everything, with all details. I heard some shouts, then silence for about half an hour. I was beginning to wonder, when they called me to their room. The window was wide open despite the freezing cold, but the place stank awfully, like vomit. In fact, I had never smelt anything so disgusting in my whole life. I suppose it was some kind of narcotic – taking into account that Zisis often provides Aphrodite with hashish, and who knows what else. I felt very embarrassed but I acted the fool. “Now I want you even more!” said Zisis to his girlfriend in a mawkish voice, and hugged her tenderly. Is all this madness, or what?
Monday, 14th December 1992
I left Janus behind two months ago, but I always felt the urgent need to find new friends. Therefore, as soon as I quit Janus, I enrolled in a local school of folk dances, together with my sister. During the first month, there was a crowd on the dance floor: about 45 persons had initially joined the class of beginners. Yet, it didn't take me long to understand that certain pupils are already professional dancers! Sometimes, the teacher tells them to dance in a separate circle, so that the rest of us can see “how people dance”. Then, it is obvious that these persons have a relationship with the teacher, as they are: his wife, his wife's sister, the boyfriend of his wife's sister, his sister, his sister's boyfriend, his brother-in-law and so on.
Before the beginning of the lesson and during the ten-minute break there is always an atmosphere of ostentatious hilarity in the class, as mocking laughs and jokes echo everywhere. There are two jolly friends, Lisa and Nina (both are good friends of the teacher's wife) who catch all attention with their shouts, giggles and claptrap; it's evident they consider the dance school as their own property. Nobody seems to mind that, on the contrary everybody fawns upon them. Alice has often tried to join their clique; yet, for some strange reason she was frowned upon, so she has quit trying.
The only pupil I used to speak to was Catherine, a 17-year-old nice girl; however, since the beginning of the month she hasn't appeared at all, and she is not the only one who has disappeared: out of 45 people, now there are only 20 left – namely the teacher's kin and a few more persistent persons like Alice, me and four or five others. Those few, who don't belong to the teacher's clique, are always under pressure to split: When we dance in a circle, we are always pushed to the rear places; moreover, we are often scolded or ridiculed by the teacher: “It's a good thing there aren't any injuries!” he says ironically, meaning two young men who don't have a great talent at dance, yet they do their best. Or, he mockingly mimics some pupils (maybe me too) by dancing a spasmodic dance, complaining that “certain people in here dance like wooden puppets”. Alice and I play the fools because we like folk dances and we prefer not to make much of this nonsense. Anyway, we don't intend to become professionals or steal anybody's glory; we just dance for fun.
We were waiting for today's lesson to start, as I suddenly saw Nina running fast towards me. Before even realizing what's going on, she was already close to me; she jumped on the air in no time and with a loud martial cry she feigned kicking me on the face, stopping her right leg just a few inches from my head! Obviously, the slut wanted to prove to her friends she can jump “that high” -and they all laughed in satisfaction. As about me, I just smiled about the “joke”. I didn't react dynamically, because I didn't want them to think of me as an unsociable, humourless shrew. Despite the bad omens, I still try to look positive, sociable, pleasant etc. Or else, how wil
l I ever find new friends?