always tend to follow the same recipe:
1. Arrive five to 10 minutes late.
2. Class all have a good chin wag while the teacher repeatedly says, “Come on guys, can we please get ourselves ready to work!”
3. Class becomes quiet(ish), teacher starts to introduce the days lesson.
4. He is interrupted mid-flow by a funny noise or wise crack.
5. He stops teaching.
6. The class erupts into laughter.
7. The teacher says, “I will not carry on until you are all quiet and listening.”
8. The class reverts back to chit chatting.
9. Go back to point number three and repeat.
Hence, I have been teaching myself out of a revision guide and have made pretty good progress.
Maths – hate Maths, but I’m OK at it. It looks as if I will get a C or maybe even a B in Maths, and that’s with my doing bugger-all work. I am considering doing it as an A level next year. The only problem is that I find it incredibly dull. The teacher is fine, the class is well behaved but the work is just so tedious. I have no idea why, if you get something first time, that you have to do a further 38 examples of similar questions from a battered old Maths text book.
PE – love PE, hate rugby. What a stupid game! I think it is the only game where it helps to be ugly (maybe boxing too). You can never be good at rugby unless you have a complete disregard for your own face. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy watching it on telly (especially the internationals between England and Wales as my dad claims to be ‘part Welsh’ – surely something to keep to yourself! But it usually sets up some good banter between us). Martin is in my PE class and he also dislikes rugby (although he is definitely uglier than me!), so we tend to spend most of our rugby lessons running around to look like we are joining in and avoiding the ball as if it were a lump of rotting monkey dung. I don’t mind the other sports, although I am not that great at any of them. Saying that, I did represent the school in a badminton tournament last year. I was knocked out in the first round and had to sit like a knob and watch everyone else play for four hours, as we were miles away from home.
Geography – such a bland subject, it is so very easy and so very, very dull. The teacher does his best, but I can tell that Mr Jones (who is 110% Welsh and of no relation to the huge melon’d Mdm Jones) is fed up teaching it too. He must be approaching his 60s and spends most of our lessons talking about how fantastic his sons are. Apparently, they canoe, abseil, run marathons, help rebuild villages in Asia, swim Channels and do all manner of saintly and energetic deeds. I fucking hate his sons. If I ever meet them, he will be telling his next class about how brilliant their funerals were.
English – I quite like English, but the problem is the English teacher absolutely cannot stand me. I am not altogether sure what I have done to piss her off. Every lesson without fail we clash. It usually starts with her attempting to put me down in some way and ends with my answering back and getting sent out. I think that my English teacher (Miss Millard) speaks to my parents more than I do these days.
ICT – I consider this to be an absolute joke of a subject. Surely ICT is something you use to help you study something else. To be fair, the teacher (Mr Turner) is older than most rocks and knows as much about computers as I do about nuclear physics (not much by the way!). I do feel quite sorry for Mr Turner in all honesty, he really does get bullied quite badly by the vast majority of kids at my school. He is quite an effeminate man and you can only imagine the kind of comments he receives in a modern day comprehensive school. But the cruellest thing is what happens when he turns his back to write on the white board. Paper balls, books, aeroplanes, pens, rubbers, elastic bands, etc. etc. You name it, kids threw it at him! Some particularly nasty students (e.g. Todd Phillips) have even taken to spitting at him. I remember one lesson someone nailed the back of his hair with the most foul looking greeny imaginable; it hung there for literally half an hour without him noticing. He did, as he always does, nothing, just ignores it. How he manages to continue getting out of bed in the morning is beyond me. Why anyone would want to be a teacher must be one of life greatest mysteries.
Music – it beggar’s belief why I chose to do this subject! I like listening to music, but I play no instruments and I sing like a dying cat being water boarded. It isn’t even funny how bad at this subject I am. Mrs Reeves, who teaches it, is a bit of a battle axe too. I am pretty sure she also absolutely hates my guts.
Thankfully Todd had taken it upon himself to have another one of his many days off. I doubt he would remember the whole swimming pool meeting; he did seem quite drunk at the time. But he really is an odd lad and god knows how his mind works, maybe an attempted kicking is indeed on the cards when we next meet.
I was absolutely shattered when I got home today. Not surprising really after spending two weeks doing quite literally bugger all! I have just finished watching the first Clerks film. It is an absolutely amazing film. There are only a few films that, when I have finished watching them, I want to just put them straight back on again. Why Kevin Smith decided to soil its memory by making the turd filled toilet of a sequel is beyond me. I spoke with Martin online about this and he informed me that a Clerks 3 is in the pipeline. Perhaps Mr Smith shares my opinion of his sequel and feels he owes the world a debt. I for one cannot wait to see it.
I am writing this in bed and can’t be bothered to get up and feed the fish, my laziness amazes even me at times.
I have just pressed play on Clerks again, nice.
Tuesday, January 10th
I was so late this morning that Martin had gone by the time I dragged myself out of my house, can’t blame him though, it was particularly cold today.
I have just got back in from karate and I am having trouble just holding the pen. I have bruises developing everywhere and have pulled my groin (and not in a good way). Bath and bed for me.
I am more of a shower person myself, but you can’t beat a bath to soothe aching muscles once in a while. As usual I left a tide mark around the bath and forgot to clean it, my dad dragged me out of my bed (not literally) and made me clean it, saying, “If you don’t do it now you will forget and your bloody mother will end up doing it and I will end up with her moaning at me about you.” To be fair, he has a point.
Following on from last night’s thinking. Here are my top 10 films I will happily watch back to back in the same sitting:
1. Clerks – awesome!
2. Any of the Star Wars films (even the new ones surprisingly!) – I am a complete Star Wars nerd and can pretty much quote the original three films almost word for word. I don’t mind the new ones, but would happily stoke the fire that burnt away the mutilated remains of bloody Jar Jar Binks.
3. Any of the Indiana Jones films – I want to be Indiana Jones and I certainly want Sean Connery as my dad too.
4. Dodgeball – I love comedies and this is one of the best.
5. There’s Something About Mary – I still can’t work out how he caught his whole nut in his fly, awesome film.
6. Back to the Future – the first one! The other two are shit!
7. Saving Private Ryan – by this I only mean the first 30 minutes. Absolute carnage! The Germans really did make limb stew on that beach.
8. The Matrix – there are many reasons this film makes my top 10, the main one being the leather-covered hot chick. The guns and cool special effects obviously help too.
9. Love Actually – I guess I’m a big softy at heart, really. But this film absolutely nails it for me and always makes me well up. I think it’s the really nice piano music that runs through it that does it.
10. Mary Poppins – God I hope nobody ever reads this list. I don’t think I would ever live it down.
Think I will watch There’s Something About Mary tonight. Martin once told me that there is a porno called There’s Something About Mary’s Ass!
Nice.
Wednesday, January 11th
Ah, Music today and the lovely Sasha Green! Even tho
ugh I am utter rubbish at Music – I can’t sing, play an instrument or even tap along to simplest of rhythms – I absolutely love my Music lessons. What I can do really well, is stare lustfully at Sasha’s perfectly formed buttocks in her deliberately tight Lycra leggings for an hour solid (literally). She is the reason I chose to do Music in the first place and the focus point of most of my dreams, most far too inappropriate to go into here. She sits right in front of me and I just sit there. I just sit there and stare. I just sit there and stare, and drool.
Sasha is about 5’ 8”, has jet black curly hair that stretches down to her shoulder blades and green jade eyes that pierce right through you. But the best feature she has by miles is the fact that even though every lad in school (and a high percentage of girls too) adores her, she is unbelievably lovely, genuine and completely down to earth. One day I will ask her out, but it is not going to be today. Today the image of her Lycra-clad buttocks is just about enough. But one day I will man up enough and ask her out, she will probably say no, but maybe, just maybe, she might in the slightest of all probabilities just say yes. Oh how I would love to see that bottom minus the Lycra. Wow!
And hopefully one day later in the future, I will cover those round and perfectly formed buttocks in gallon after gallon of oil… hmmmm. I’m glad, dear diary, that you do not judge me! Or for that matter, have the