CHAPTER VI.
As Orion rode across the bridge of boats to Fostat, the gladness thathad inspired him died away. Could not--ought not Paula to have sparedhim a small part of the time she had devoted to the child? He had beenleft to make the most of a kind grasp of the hand and a grateful look ofwelcome. Would she not have flown to meet him, if the love of which shehad assured him yesterday were as fervent, as ardent as his own? Wasthe proud spirit of this girl, who, as his mother said, was cold andunapproachable, incapable of passionate, self-forgetting devotion? Wasthere no way of lighting up in her the sacred fire which burnt in him?He was tormented by many doubts and a bitter feeling of disappointment,and a crowd of suspicions forced themselves upon him, which would neverhave troubled him if only he had seen her once more, had heard her happywords of love, and felt his lips consecrated by his mistress' firstkiss.
He was out of spirits, indeed out of temper, as he entered the Arabgeneral's dwelling. In the anteroom he was met by rejected petitioners,and he said to himself, with a bitter smile, that he had just been sentabout his business in the same unsatisfied mood--yes, sent about hisbusiness--and by whom?
He was announced, and his spirits rose a little when he was at onceadmitted and led past many, who were left waiting, into the Arabgovernor's presence-chamber. He was received with paternal warmth; and,when Amru heard that Orion and the patriarch had come to high words, hejumped up and holding out both his hands exclaimed:
"My right hand on that, my friend; come over to Islam, and with my leftI will appoint you your father's successor, in the Khaliff's name,in spite of your youth. Away with hesitation! Clasp hands; at once,quickly! I cannot bear to quit Egypt and know that there is no governorat Memphis!"
The blood tingled in the young man's veins. His father's successor!He, the new Mukaukas! How it flattered his ambition, what a way to allactivity it opened out to him! It dazzled his vision, and moved himstrongly to grasp the right hand which his generous patron still heldout to him. But suddenly his excited fancy showed him the image of theRedeemer with whom he had entered into a silent covenant in the church,sadly averting his gentle face. At this he remembered what he had vowed;at this he forgot all his grievance against Paula; he took the general'shand, indeed, but only to raise it to his lips as he thanked him withall his heart. But then he implored him, with earnest, pleading urgency,not to be wroth with him if he remained firm and clung to the faith ofhis father and his ancestors. And Amru was not wroth, though it was withnone of the hearty interest with which he had at first welcomed him,that he hastily warned Orion to be on his guard against the prelate,since, so long as he remained a Christian, he had no power to protecthim against Benjamin.
When Orion went on to tell him that he was intending to travel for ashort time, and had, in fact, come to take leave of him, the Arab wasmuch annoyed. He, too, he said, must be going away and was startingwithin two days for Medina.
"And in casting my eye on you," he went on, "in spite of your youth, tofill your father's place, I took care to find a task for you which wouldenable you to prove that I had not put too great confidence in you.But, if you persist in your own opinions, I cannot possibly entrust soimportant a post as the governorship of Memphis to a Christian soyoung as you are; with the youthful Moslem I might have ventured onit.--However, I will not deprive you of the enterprise which I hadintended for you. If you succeed in it, it will be a good thing foryourself, and I can, I believe, turn it to the benefit of the wholeprovince--for what could take me from hence at this time, when mypresence is so needful for a hundred incomplete projects, but my anxietyfor the good of this country--in which I am but an alien, while youmust love it as your native soil, the home of your race?--I am going toMedina because the Khaliff, in this letter, complains that I send toosmall a revenue into the treasury from so rich a land as Egypt. And yetnot a single dinar of your taxes finds its way into my own coffers. Ikeep a hundred and fifty thousand laborers at work to restore the canalsand waterworks which my predecessors, the blood-sucking Byzantines,neglected so disgracefully and left to fall to ruin--I build, and plan,and sow seed for posterity to reap. All this costs money. It swallows upthe lion's share of the revenue. And I am making the journey, not merelyto purge myself from reproach, but to obtain Omar's permission for thefuture to exact no extortionate payments, but to consider only the trueweal of the province. I am most unwilling to go, for a thousand reasons;and you, young man, if you care for your native land, ought.... Do youreally love it and wish it well?"
"With all my soul!" cried Orion.
"Well then, at this time, if by any possibility you can arrange it so,you ought to remain at home, and devote yourself heart and soul to thetask I have to propose to you. I hate postponements. Ride straight atthe foe, and do not canter up and down till you tire the horses! that ismy principle, and not in battle only. Take the moral to heart!--And youwill have no time to waste; what I require is no light matter: It isthat you should endeavor to sketch a new division of the districts,drawing on your own knowledge of the country and its inhabitants,and using the records and lists in the archives of your ancientgovernment-offices, of which your father has told me; you must havespecial regard to the financial condition of each district. That the oldmode of levying taxes is unsatisfactory we find every day; you will haveample room for improvements in every respect. Overthrow the existingarrangements, if you consider it necessary. Other men have attemptedto redistribute the divisions and devise new modes of collecting therevenue. The best scheme will have the preference; and you seem to meto be the man to win the prize, and, with it, a wide and noble field ofwork in the future. It is not a mere sense of tedium, or a longingfor the pleasures of the capital to which you are accustomed, that aretempting you to quit Memphis the melancholy...."
"No, indeed, my Lord," Orion assured him. "The duty I have in view doesnot even profit me, and if I had not given my word I would throw myself,heart and soul, into so grand a task, no later than to-morrow. That youshould expect me to solve so hard a problem is the most precious incenseever offered me. If it is only to be worthy of your confidence, Iwill return as soon as possible and put forth my utmost powers ofintelligence and prudence, of endurance and patriotism. I havealways been a diligent student; and it would be a shame indeed, ifmy experiences as a youth could hinder the man from outdoing theschool-boy."
"That is right, well said!" replied Amru, holding out his hand. "Do yourbest, and you shall have ample opportunity of proving your powers.--Takemy warnings to heart as regards the patriarch and the black Vekeel. Iunfortunately have no one who could fill his place except the worthyKadi Othman; but he is no soldier, and he cannot be spared from hispost. Keep out of Obada's way, return soon, and may the All-mercifulprotect you...."
When Orion had recrossed the bridge on his way home, he saw agaily-dressed Nile-boat, such as now but rarely stopped at Memphis,lying at anchor in the dock, and on the road he met two litters followedby beasts of burden and a train of servants. The whole party had abrilliant and wealthy appearance, and at any other time would haveroused his curiosity; but to-day he merely wondered for a moment whothese new-comers might be, and then continued to meditate on the taskproposed to him by Amru. From the bottom of his heart he cursed the hourin which he had pledged himself to take the part of these strangers;for after such long idleness he longed to be able to prove his powers.Suddenly, and as if by a miracle, he saw the way opened before him whichhe had himself hoped to tread, and now he was fettered and held backfrom an enterprise which he felt he could carry out with successand benefit to his country, while it attracted him as with a hundredlode-stones.
Next morning, when his will had been duly signed and witnessed, hecalled the treasurer for an interview alone with him. He had made up hismind that one person, at least, must be informed of the enterprise hehad planned, and that one could be no other than Nilus. So he begged himto accompany him to the impluvium of his private residence; and severaloffice scribes who were present heard the invitation given. They didnot
, however, allow themselves to be disturbed in their work; theyoungest only--a handsome lad of sixteen, an olive-complexionedEgyptian, with keen, eager black eyes, who had listened sharply toevery word spoken by the treasurer and his master, quietly rose from hissquatting posture as soon as they had quitted the office, and, stole,unobserved into the anteroom. From thence he flew up the ladder-likesteps which led to the dovecote of which he had the care, sprang onto the roof of the lower story, and crept flat on his face till he wasclose to the edge of the large square opening which gave light and airto the impluvium below. With a swift movement of the hand he pushedback the awning which shaded it at midday, and listened intently to thedialogue that went on below.
This listener was Anubis, the water-wagtail's foster-brother; andhe seemed to be in no way behind his beloved mistress in the art oflistening; for no one could prick up his ears more sharply than Anubis.He knew, too, what was to be his reward for exposing himself on a roofto the shafts of the pitiless African sun, for Katharina, his adoredplay-fellow and the mistress of his ardent boy's heart, had promised hima sweet kiss, if only he would bring her back some more exact news as toOrion's perilous journey. Anubis had told her, the evening before, allhe had heard in the anteroom to the office, but such general informationhad not satisfied her. She must see clearly before her, must knowexactly what was going on, and she was not mistaken when she imaginedthat the reward she had promised the lad would spur him to the utmost.
Anubis had not indeed expected to gain his end so soon, boldly as hedared to hope; scarcely had he pushed aside the awning, when Orion beganto explain to Nilus all his plan and purpose.
When he had finished speaking, the boy did not wait to hear Nilus reply.Intoxicated with his success, and the prospect of a guerdon which to himincluded all the bliss of heaven, he crept back to the dovecote. Buthe could not go back by the way by which he had come; for if one of theolder scribes should meet him in the anteroom, he would be condemned toreturn to his work. He therefore wriggled along the ridge of the rooftowards the fishing-cove, got over it, and laid hold of a gutter pipe,intending to slip down it; unfortunately it was old and rotten-rain wasrare in Memphis--and hardly had he trusted his body after his hands whenthe lead gave way. The rash youth fell with the clattering fragments ofthe gutter from a height of four men; a heavy thump on the pavement wasfollowed by a loud cry, and in a few minutes all the officials hadheard that poor Anubis, nimble as he was, had fallen from the roof whileattending to his pets, and had broken his leg.
The two men in the impluvium were not informed of the accident till sometime later, for strict orders had been given that they were not to bedisturbed.
Nilus had received his young master's communication with growingamazement, indignation, and horror. When Orion ended, the treasurer putforth all the eloquence of a faithful heart, anxious for the safety ofthe body and soul of the youth he loved, to dissuade him from a deed ofdaring which could bring him nothing but misapprehension, disaster, andpersecution. Nilus was with all his soul a Jacobite; and the idea thathis young master was about to risk everything for a party of Melchitenuns, and draw down upon himself the wrath and maledictions of thepatriarch, was more than he could bear.
His faithful friend's warnings and entreaties did not leave Orionunmoved; but he clung to his determination, representing to Nilus thathe had pledged his word to Rufinus, and could not now draw back, thoughhe had already lost all his pleasure in the enterprise. But it wentagainst him to leave the brave old man to face the danger alone--indeed,it was out of the question.
Genuine anxiety is fertile in expedient; Orion had scarcely donespeaking, when Nilus had a proposal to make which seemed well calculatedto dispel the youth's last objections. Melampus, the chief shipbuilder,was a Greek and a zealous Melchite, though he no longer dared to confesshis creed openly. He and his sons, two bold and sturdy ships carpenters,had often given proof of their daring, and Nilus had no doubt that theywould be more than willing to share in an expedition which had for itsobject the rescue of so many pious fellow-believers. They might takeOrion's place, and would be far more helpful to the old man than Orionhimself.
Orion so far approved of this suggestion as to promise himself good aidfrom the brave artisans, who were well known to him; and he was willingto take them with him, though he would not give up his own share in thebusiness.
Nilus, though he adhered firmly to his objections, was at lastreduced to silence. However, Orion went with his anxious friend to theship-yard; the old ship-builder, a kind-hearted giant, was as ready andglad to undertake the rescue of the Sisters as if each one was his ownmother. It would be a real treat to the youngsters to have a hand insuch a job,--and he was right, for when they were taken into confidenceone flourished his hatchet with enthusiasm, and the tether struck hishorny fist against his left palm as gleefully as though he were biddento a dance.
Orion took boat at once with the three men, and was rowed to thehouse of Rufinus, to whom he introduced them; the old man was entirelysatisfied.
Orion remained with him after dismissing them. He had promised lastevening to breakfast with him, and the meal was waiting. Paula had gone,about an hour since, to the convent, and Joanna expected her to returnat any moment. They began without her, however; the various dishes werecarried away, the meal was nearly ended-still she had not returned.Orion, who had at first been able to conceal his disappointment, wasnow so uneasy that his host could with difficulty extract brief andinadvertent replies to his repeated questions. Rufinus himself wasanxious; but just as he rose to go in search of her, Pulcheria, who wasat the window, saw her coming, and joyfully exclaiming: "There she is!"ran out.
But now again minute after minute passed, a quarter of an hour grew tohalf an hour, and still Orion was waiting in vain. Glad expectationhad long since turned to impatience, impatience to a feeling of injureddignity, and this to annoyance and bitter vexation, when at lastPulcheria came back instead of Paula, and begged him from Paula to joinher in the garden.
She had been detained too long at the convent. The terrible rumor hadscared the pious sisters out of their wonted peace and put them all intoconfusion, like smoke blown into a bee-hive. The first thing was to packtheir most valuable possessions; and although Orion had expressly saidonly a small number of cases and bags could be taken on board, one wasfor dragging her prayer-desk, another a large picture of some saint, athird a copper fish-kettle, and the fourth, fifth, and sixth the greatreliquary with the bones of Ammonius the Martyr, to which the chapelowed its reputation for peculiar sanctity. To reduce this excessof baggage, the abbess had been obliged to exert all her energy andauthority, and many a sister retired weeping over some dear but toobulky treasure.
The superior had therefore been unable to devote herself to Paula tillthis portable property had been under review. Then the damsel hadbeen admitted to her parlor, a room furnished with rich and elegantsimplicity, and there she had been allowed to pour out her whole heartto warm and sympathetic ears.
Any one who could have seen these two together might have thought thatthis was a daughter in grief seeking counsel on her mother's breast.In her youth the grey-haired abbess must have been very like Thomas'daughter; but the lofty and yet graceful mien of the younger woman hadchanged in the matron to majestic and condescending dignity, and it wasimpossible to guess from her defiantly set mouth that it had once beenthe chief charm of her face.
As she listened to the girl's outpourings the expression of her calmeyes changed frequently; when her soul was fired by fanatical zealthey could gleam brightly; but now she was listening to a variety ofexperiences, for Paula regarded this interview as a solemn confession,and concealed nothing from the friend who was both mother andpriest-neither of what had happened to her in external circumstances,nor of what had moved her heart and mind ever since she had firstentered the house of the Mtikaukas. Not a corner of her soul did sheleave unsearched; she neither concealed nor palliated anything; andwhen she described her lover's strenuous efforts to apprehend the wh
oleseriousness of life, her love and enthusiasm fairly carried her away,making his image shine all the more brightly by comparison with thebrief, but dark shadow, that had fallen upon it. When Paula had at lastended her confession, the superior had remained silent for some time;then drawing the girl to her, she had affectionately asked her:
"And now? Now, tell me truly, does not the passion that has suchwonderful power over you prompt and urge your inmost soul to yield--tofly to the embrace of the man you love--to give all up for him and say:'Here I am--I am yours! Call a priest to bless our union!--Is it notso--am I not right?'"
Paula, deeply blushing, bowed assent; but the old woman drew her head onto her motherly bosom, and went on thoughtfully:
"I saw him drive past in his quadriga, and was reminded of many a noblestatue of the heathen Greeks. Beauty, rank, wealth, aye--and talents andintellect--all that could ruin the heart of a Paula are his, and she--Isee it plainly--will give it to him gladly."
And again the maiden bowed her head. The abbess sighed, and went on asthough she had with difficulty succeeded in submitting to the inevitable"Then all warning would be in vain.--Still, he is not of our confession,he...."
"But how highly he esteems it!" cried Paula. "That he proves by riskinghis freedom and life for you and your household."
"Say rather for you whom he loves," replied the other. "But putting thatout of the question, it pains me deeply to think of Thomas' daughteras the wife of a Jacobite. You will not, I know, give him up; and theFather of Love often leads true love to good ends by wonderful ways,even though they are ways of error, passing through pitfalls andabysses."
Paula fell on her neck to kiss her gratefully: but the abbess could onlyallow the girl a few minutes to enjoy her happiness. She desired herto sit down by her side, and holding Paula's hand in both her own, shespoke to her in a tone of calm deliberation. She and her sisterhood, shebegan by saying, were deeply indebted to Orion. She had no dearerwish than that Paula should find the greatest earthly happiness in hermarriage; still, it was her part to tender advice, and she dared notblind herself to the dangers which threatened this happiness. Sheherself had a long life behind her of varied experience, in which shehad seen hundreds of young men who had been given up as lost sinnersby father and mother--lost to the Church and to all goodness--and amongthese many a one, like Saul, had had his journey to Damascus. A turningpoint had come to them, and the outcast sons had become excellent andpious men.
Paula, as she listened, had drawn closer to the speaker, and her eyesbeamed with joy; but the elder woman shook her head, and her gaze grewmore devout and rapt, as she went on with deep solemnity:
"But then, my child, in all of these Grace had done its perfect work;the miracle was accomplished which we term regeneration. They were stillthe same men in the flesh and in the elements of their sensible nature,but their relation to the world and to life was altogether new. All thatthey had formerly thought desirable they could now hate; what they haddeemed important was now worthless, and the worthless precious in theireyes; whereas they once referred everything to their own desires, theynow referred all to God and His will. Their impulses were the same as ofold, but they kept them within bounds by a never-sleeping consciousnessthat they led, not to joys, but to everlasting punishment. Theseregenerate souls learned to contemn the world, and instead of gazingdown at the dust their eyes were fixed upwards on Heaven. If either ofthem tottered, his whole 'new man' prompted him to recover his balancebefore he fell to the ground.--But Orion! Your lover? His guilt seemsto have passed over him; he hopes for reunion with God from a moremeritorious life in the world. Not only is his nature unaltered, but hisattitude with regard to life and to the joys it offers to the childrenof this world. Earthly love is spurring him on to strive for what isnoble and great and he earnestly seeks to attain it; but he will fallover every stone that the devil casts in his path, and find it hard topick himself up again, for misfortune has not led him to the new birthor the new life in God. Just such men have I seen, numbers of times,relapsing into the sins they had escaped from. Before we can entirelytrust a man who has once--though but once-wandered so far from God'sways, while Grace has not yet worked effectually in him, we shall dowell to watch his dealings and course for more than a few short days. Ifyou still feel that you must follow the dictates of your heart, at anyrate do not fly into your lover's open arms, do not abandon to him thepure sanctuary of your body and soul, do not be wholly his till he hasbeen fully put to the proof."
"But I believe in him entirely!" cried Paula, with a flood of tears.
"You believe because you love him," replied the abbess.
"And because he deserves it."
"And how long has he deserved it?"
"Was he not a splendid man before his fall?"
"And so was many a murderer. Most criminals become outcasts from societyin a single moment."
"But society still accepts Orion."
"Because he is the son of the Mukaukas."
"And because he wins all hearts!"
"Even that of the Almighty?"
"Oh! Mother, Mother! why do you measure him by the standard of your ownsanctified soul? How few are the elect who find a share of the grace ofwhich you speak!"
"But those who have sinned like him must strive for it."
"And he does so, Mother, in his way."
"It is the wrong way; wrong for those who have sinned as he has. All hestrives for is worldly happiness."
"No, no. He is firm in his faith in God and the Saviour. He is not aliar."
"And yet he thinks he may escape the penalty?"
"And does not the Lord pardon true repentance?--He has repented; and howbitterly, how fearfully he has suffered!"
"Say rather that he has felt the stripes that his own sin brought uponhim.--There are more to come; and how will he take them? Temptationlurks in every path, and how will he avoid it? As your mother, indeedit is my duty to warn you: Keep your passion and yourself still undercontrol; continue to watch him, and grant him nothing--not the smallestfavor, as you are a maiden, before he..."
"Till when; how long am I to be so basely on my guard?" sobbed Paula."Is that love which trusts not and is not ready to share the lot even ofthe backslider?"
"Yes, child, yes," interrupted the old woman. "To suffer all things, toendure all things, is the duty of true love, and therefore of yours; butyou must not allow the most indissoluble of all bonds to unite you tohim till the back-slider has learnt to walk firmly. Follow him step bystep, hold him up with faithful care, never despair of him if he seemsother than what you had hoped. Make it your duty, pious soul, to renderhim worthy of grace--but do not be in a hurry to speak the final yes--donot say it yet."
Paula yielded, though unwillingly, to this last word of counsel; but, infact, Orion's fault had filled the abbess with deep distrust. So greata sinner, under the blight, too, of a father's curse, ought, in heropinion, to have retired from the world and besieged Heaven for graceand a new birth, instead of seeking joys, such as she thought none butthe most blameless--and, those of her own confession--could deserve,in union with so exceptional a creature as her beloved Paula. Indeed,having herself found peace for her soul only in the cloister, aftera stormy and worldly youth, she would gladly have received the nobledaughter of her old friend as the Bride of Christ within those walls,to be, perhaps, her successor as Mother Superior. She longed thather darling should be spared the sufferings she had known through theruthlessness of faithless men; so she would not abate a jot of the tenorof her advice, or cease to impress on Paula, firmly though lovingly, thenecessity of following it. At last Paula took leave of her, bound by apromise not to pledge herself irrevocably to Orion till his return fromDoomiat, and till the abbess had informed her by letter what opinion shehad formed of him in the course of their flight.
The high-spirited girl had not shed so many tears, as in the course ofthis interview, since the fatal affair at Abyla where she had lost herfather and brother; it was with a tear-stained face a
nd aching head thatshe had made her way back, under the scorching mid-day sun, to Rufinus'house, where she sought her old nurse. Betta had earnestly entreated herto lie down, and when Paula refused to hear of it she persuaded her atany rate to bathe her head with water as cold as was procurable in thisterrific heat, and to have her hair carefully rearranged by her skilfulhand; for this had been her mother's favorite remedy against headache.When, at length, Paula and her lover stood face to face, in a shady spotin the garden, they both looked embarrassed and estranged. He was pale,and gazed at her with some annoyance; and her red eyes and knit brows,for her brain was throbbing with piercing pain, did not tend to improvehis mood. It was her part to explain and excuse herself; and as he didnot at once address her after they had exchanged greetings, she said ina low tone of urgent entreaty:
"Forgive me for coming so late. How long you must have been waiting!But parting from my best friend, my second mother, agitated me sopainfully--it was so unspeakably sad.--I did not know how to hold upmy head, it ached so when I came home, and now--oh, I had hoped that wemight meet to-day so differently!"
"But even yesterday you had no time to spare for me," he retortedsullenly, "and this morning--you were present when Rufinus invitedme--this morning!--I am not exacting, and to you, good God! How couldI be?--But have we not to part, to bid each other farewell--perhaps forever? Why should you have given up so much time and strength to yourfriend, that so scanty a remnant is left for the lover? That is anunfair division."
"How could I deny it?" she said with melancholy entreaty. "You areindeed very right; but I could not leave the child last evening, as soonas she came, and while she was weeping out all her sorrows; and if youonly knew how surprised and grieved I was--how my heart ached when,instead of finding you, your note...."
"I was obliged to go to Amru," interrupted Orion. "This undertakingcompels me to leave much behind, and I am no longer the freest ofthe free, as I used to be. During this dreadful breakfast I have beensitting on thorns. But let all that pass. I came hither with a hearthigh with hope--and now?--You see, Paula, this enterprise tears me intwo in more ways than you can imagine, puts me into a more criticalposition, and weighs more on my mind than you can think or know--I willexplain it all to you at another time--and to bear it all, to keep upthe spirit and happy energy that I need, I must be secure of the onething for which I could take far greater toil and danger as mere child'splay; I must know...."
"You must know," she interposed, "whether my heart is fully and whollyopen to your love...."
"And whether," he added, with growing ardor, "in spite of the bittersuffering that weighs on my wretched soul, I may hope to be happier thanthe saints in bliss. O Paula, adored and only woman, may I...."
"You may," she said clearly and fervently. "I love you, Orion, and shallnever, never cease to love you with my whole soul."
He flew to her side, clasped both her hands as if beside himself,snatched them to his lips regardless of the nearness of the house,whence ten pairs of eyes might have seen him, and covered them withburning kisses, till she drew them from him with the entreaty: "No, no;forbear, I entreat you. No--not now."
"Yes, now, at this very moment--or, if not, when?" he asked vehemently."But here, in this garden--you are right, this is no place for two humanbeings so happy as we are. Come with me; come into the house and leadthe way to a spot where we may be unseen and unheard, alone with eachother and our happiness."
"No, no, no!" she hastily put in, pressing her hand to her aching brow."Come with me to the bench under the sycamore; it is shady there, andyou can tell me everything, and hear once more how entirely love hastaken possession of me."
He looked in her face, surprised and disappointed; but she turnedtowards the sycamore and sat down beneath it. He slowly followed her.She signed to him to take a seat by her side, but he stood up in frontof her, saying sadly and despondently.
"Always the same--always calm and cold. Is this fair, Paula? Is thisthe overwhelming love of which you spoke? Is this your response to theyearning cry of a passionately ardent heart? Is this all that love cangrant to love--that a betrothed owes to her lover on the very eve ofparting?"
At this she looked up at him, deeply distressed, and said inpathetically urgent entreaty: "O Orion, Orion! Have I not told you, canyou not see and feel how much I love you? You must know and feel it; andif you do, be content, I entreat. You, whom alone I love, be satisfiedto know that this heart is yours, that your Paula--your own Paula, forthat indeed I am--will think of nothing, care for nothing, pray andentreat Heaven for nothing but you, yes you, my own, my all."
"Then come, come with me," he insisted, "and grant your betrothed therights that are his due.
"Nay, not my betrothed--not yet," she besought him, with all thefervor of her tortured soul. "In my veins too the blood flows warm withyearning. Gladly would I fly to your arms and lay my head against yours,but not to-day can I become your betrothed, not yet; I cannot, I darenot!"
"And why not? Tell me, at any rate, why not," he cried indignantly,clenching his fist to his breast. "Why will you not be my bride, ifindeed it is true that you love me? Why have you invented this new andintolerable torment?"
"Because prudence tells me," she replied in a low, hurried voice, whileher bosom heaved painfully, as though she were afraid to hear her ownwords; "because I see that the time is not yet come. Ah, Orion! you havenot yet learnt to bridle the desires and cravings that burn within you;you have forgotten all too quickly what is past--what a mountain we hadto cross before we succeeded in finding each other, before I--for I mustsay it, my dear one--before I could look you in the face without angerand aversion. A strange and mysterious ordering has brought it about;and you, too, have honestly done your best that everything should bechanged, that what was white should now be black, that the chill northwind should turn to a hot southerly one. Thus poison turns to healing,and a curse to a blessing. In this foolish heart of mine passionatehatred has given way to no less fervent love. Still, I cannot yet beyour bride, your wife. Call it cowardice, call it selfish caution, whatyou will. I call it prudence, and applaud it; though it cost my pooreyes a thousand bitter tears before my heart and brain could consent tobe guided by the warning voice. Of one thing you may be fully assured:my heart will never be another's, come what may--it is yours with mywhole soul!--But I will not be your bride till I can say to youwith glad confidence, as well as with passionate love: 'You haveconquered--take me, I am yours!' Then you shall feel and confess thatPaula's love is not less vehement, less ardent.... O God! Orion, learnto know and understand me. You must--for my sake and your own, youmust!--My head, merciful Heaven, my head!"
She bowed her face and clasped her hands to her burning brow; Orion,pale and shivering, laid his hand on her shoulder, and said in a harsh,forced voice that had lost all its music: "The Esoterics impose severetrials on their disciples before they admit them into the mysteries.And we are in Egypt--but the difference is a wide one when the rule isapplied to love. How ever, all this is not from yourself. What you callprudence is the voice of that nun!"
"It is the voice of reason," replied Paula softly. "The yearning of myheart had overpowered it, and I owe to my friend...."
"What do you owe her?" cried the young man furiously indignant. "Youshould curse her, rather, for doing you so ill a turn, as I do at thismoment. What does she know of me? Has she ever heard a word from mylips? If that despotic and casuistic recluse could have known what myheart and soul are like, she would have advised you differently. Evenas a childs' confidence and love alone could influence me. Whatever myfaults might be, I never was false to kindness and trust.--And, so faras you are concerned--you who are prudence and reason in person--blestin your love, I should have cared only for your approbation. If I couldhave overcome the last of your scruples, I should indeed have been proudand happy!--I would have brought the sun and stars down from the skyfor you, and have laughed temptation to scorn!--But as it is--insteadof being raised I am lowered, a laughing-stock even in
my own eyes. Onewith you, I could have led the way on wings to the realms of light wherePerfection holds sway!--But as it is? What a task lies before me!--Toheat your frigid love to flaming point by good deeds, as though theywere olive-logs. A pretty task for a man--to put himself to the proofbefore the woman he loves! It is a hideous and insulting torture which Iwill not submit to, against which my whole inner man revolts, and whichyou will and must forego--if indeed it is true that you love me!"
"I love you, oh! I love you," she cried, beside herself, and seizing hishands. "Perhaps you are right. I--my God what shall I do? Only do notask me yet, to speak the final yes or no. I cannot control myself to thefeeblest thought. You see, you see, how I am suffering!"
"Yes, I see it," he replied, looking compassionately at her pale faceand drawn brow. "And if it must be so, I say: till this evening then.Try to rest now, and take care of yourself.--But then...."
"Then, during the voyage, the flight, repeat to the abbess all youhave just said to me. She is a noble woman, and she, too, will learn tounderstand and to love you, I am sure. She will retract the word Iknow...."
"What word?"
"My word, given to her, that I would not be yours...."
"Till I had gone through the Esoteric tests?" exclaimed Orion with anangry shrug. "Now go,--go and lie down. This hour, which should havebeen the sweetest of our lives, a stranger has embittered and darkened.You are not sure of yourself--nor I of myself. Anything more that wecould say now and here would lead to no good issue for either you or me.Go and rest; sleep off your pain, and I--I will try to forget.--If youcould but see the turmoil in my soul!--But farewell till our next, morefriendly--I hardly dare trust myself to say our happier meeting."
He hastily turned away, but she called after him in sad lament: "Oriondo not forget--Orion, you know that I love you."
But he did not hear; he buried on with his head bowed over his breast,down to the road, without reentering Rufinus' house.